How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

I dont have any friends who are even a bit CF with money so it’s usually arguing over who’s round/turn for coffee but in a ‘im sure it’s my turn’ way.

when it comes to bill splitting we’d have a quick conversation about whether everyone had roughly the same and if anyone had an extra drink/the steak etc they would be very quick to point out that splitting wouldn’t be fair and maybe we should pay for our own.

I don’t go out that much but would always buy rounds and there’s always a WhatsApp conversation the next day with people saying ‘who paid for the taxi, what do I owe?’ etc.

Im not rich and neither are most of my friends but we trust each other that it all evens out eventually.

God I feel old now (and I am not) but have never paid via QR code. Mortified for meself now ha ha.

So if your friend couldn't drink, for whatever reason, you'd all forego your drinking so as to have exactly the same? Or you'd make her sub you all for your drinks?

I couldn't socialise with anybody that inflexible/innumerate, it would drive me made 'tbh'.

No, it's really not odd that some people don't drink and some do. And guess what, they can be friends and go out together, nothing to do with 'sharing values'.

It's a shame people lack their own agency and have to drink exactly whatever their friends drink, couldn't dare be seen with a coke if their friends are drinking cocktails. Each to their own but that's really not what I look for.

I regularly go out with 3 groups of friends and there’s 3 of us in each group. If one person is driving we’ll remove the wine from the bill to be split between the two drinking and the remaining bill is split. It works out fine for all of us. There’s only one person in one of the groups who has an issue with tipping but that’s up to her. She’s questioned the amount I’ve given in the past as too much but I just leave what I want, she thinks I’m too generous tip wise but she has never worked in the service industry. One of us would pay and the others transfer. We used to love the pingit app to transfer money but we’ve moved on from that.

Bizarre angry tone there…not sure why I am inflexible or innumerate but hey ho.

I don’t care who drinks or who doesn’t for whatever reason but I would find it strange to be in a situation (like some
of those outlined) with very juxtaposed outlooks on life/money/sharing/experiences etc.

When I am out with my friends we are out with the same vision for the evening, setting, outlook etc.

I have never ever encountered these such varied and often jarring and awkward experiences other than on MN forums… I am clearly very fortunate! #blessed

I have never heard of 'pingit' or some of these apps

It’s been scrapped but we used it all the time and would say ‘I’ll pingit to you’

JbytheSea, well, I took the lead from you. You've made some very unnecessary judgements and assumptions in your post and made no apology for it.

I too don't care what other people eat or drink and I have no issues with any of my friends; that's how it is with everybody, I imagine.

These threads go 'bad' because posters made judgements and pronouncements about what other people are and aren't, based on their own small experience and without any knowledge of the other person. Why do that? Is it not possible for you to simply say what it is that you do in your circle of friends without extolling the pointlessness/wrong-ness of anybody who does different?

This! I’m naturally a generous person mixed with being a people pleaser - and some people who knew from childhood are aware of this. One friend has had hundreds from me over the years, she used to ask for money here and there and I don’t feel comfortable asking for it back as she has 3 kids and a partner who spends a lot of his money on weed so I just left it. But then I’d feel obliged to pay for dinner, coffee etc then.I also used to buy presents /send money fr her 3 kids birthdays.

A couple of years ago I thought I’ll hold back from paying for these coffees and she is she does. She didn’t, she looked at me as if waiting for me to pay and when I didn’t she just paid for herself. The same thing happened on other occasions. I get a text from her on birthdays or once I got a half hearted present. I decided last year she’ll never get another penny from me. Lol.

But other friends I’m fine to split the bill with or buy presents for because they have a similar attitude to me in that they will reciprocate.

I know you don’t give to receive but when someone just takes takes takes when they have the means to give back and choose not to, it’s time to reevaluate the dynamics of your relationship

That does sound useful, WasJuliaRight. Probably why it's been scrapped now then...

Exactly, that’s absolute nonsense. I rarely drink and some of my friends do. If we go out to dinner we’ll split the food bill and they sort their drinks out . Problem solved. I don’t need to go home early just because I’m not drinking 😂

I went out for coffee with a friend once in my 20s, I barely had any money in the bank until the next day. I bought something like a coffee and cake for £6.00 she bought something like coffee and sandwich £10.00 The bill came and she suggest we split £8 each. I should know I wanted to pay just my £6 and you could see she was pissed off but I just didn’t get it. If you know you’ve spent more than someone else than you don’t see frequently, it’s not for you to suggest you just “split the bill” no matter how small the difference is. It’s different if you are people who are meet up regularly and have a tradition of doing this but I didn’t see her a lot.

This girl also had a lot of parental support as she lived at home while I was paying London flatshare rents. There are too many people out there willing to take the piss.

Out of interest, all of those on this thread who like to calculate and pay for only what you eat/consume - what do you do when a Chinese or Indian takeaway is ordered. Or even Pizza for that matter. Do you all order and pay for your own dishes and not share? Or do you all choose a variety dishes and then share them all, splitting the overall bill.

I am interested to see if there is a correlation between people who refuse to split a bill and people who order their own dish from the takeaway and don't share.

Our family/friends always choose a bunch of stuff and share it out, like a banquet. But I have been at a house where I was quite alarmed to have to eat my entire chicken and black bean sauce alone and not have a spoon of it and then a bit of chow main and and couple of spoons of the crispy beef.

Ideally the bill would split and I wouldn't bother "about 50p" but when I have to cough up over twice what I had (because of fancy booze and desserts etc etc) then I need to be careful not to find myself in the same situation every time with the same people. Next time I'll think of me because clearly nobody thought of me before.
It's fine to treat a friend but when they go "if you're paying I'll order something nice" and then proceed to pick the most expensive thing on the menu and posh booze. I'll be a bit more careful next time. Next time I'll think of me because clearly nobody thought of me before.
If I tell my friend I'm buying them a drink (when they're drinking pints) and they bloody ask for an expensive whisky then I'll be careful not to find myself in the same position. Next time I'll think of me because clearly nobody thought of me before.
When this sort of thing happens to me more than once, then I have to consider the fact there's something about me that makes people think I'm loaded and take the piss. I also need to be realistic in that I can't pick friends all that well, so it's just easier not to put myself in such situations.
The other day I saw a train for kids at the shopping centre. It had several seats. My kid wanted to go for a ride but another kid was sat and both him and the parents were expecting me, a stranger, to put a coin in so they could both go for a ride. Yes, all complete strangers and didn't make a move to get the kid out or anything. You should have seen the this kid staring at me waiting. Could I have put a coin in? I didn't really want to but the stares really made up my mind for me.

A lot of anecdotes here describe dining out with established friendship groups where there is a roughly similar disposable income and you see each other regularly so there is a strong chance of costs balancing themselves out over time. I'm sure we have all attended events where there is a mixed group around the table with a few randoms you don't know who get a bit giddy with the drinks and expect other to pick up the tab. Usually I am happy to split the bill but I have stood my ground on a few occasions when people I barely know are clearly taking the piss. I was at one dinner when three people at the table started to ordering successive half bottles of very expensive dessert wines, quaffing them and moving onto the next bottle on the menu. They could not give a shit about the actual wine, they just wanted to get pissed. Those wines added nearly £350 to the bill. Fuck off if they they think I am paying for that.

I wouldn’t think twice about paying for a friends coffee. Ffs I find people who are this tight mortifying, I get that paying for meals regularly or larger things is taking the piss but I’d honestly rather pay the bill than sit and itemise it, especially if it’s just two people, the awkwardness over saying, ‘you had a starter and I had a Pepsi’ 🫣😐🥴😳

In my friendship groups we tend to split the bill unless someone has not been drinking as much alcohol or clearly had a lot less than everyone else. I would always offer to buy a friend coffee; in my experience if someone buys one time the other person offers the next. If I have a friend who I know doesn't have much spare income then I would certainly pay, especially if it had been my suggestion to go out. I think I'm a pretty generous friend - if I want someone's company i'm not going to be clocking up a bill in my head as we go along.

I simply pay for my share of what I can have if it’s a shared dish takeaway or tapas. It’s that easy. I’m interested to know if you think that people with dietary restrictions or vegan /veggie should pay out for what they can’t eat when with friends? If you had gluten intolerance would you split the shared pizzas bill and pay for what you couldn’t eat? Would you split the bill for the meat dishes you couldn’t have if you are vegan/veggie in the shared dish Indian takeaway? If your friends are real friends they wouldn’t let you pay for what you can’t have from shared food. If the are cf then you would be their best friend paying out for them.

My friendships are decades old. We don't bother with presents but I have no idea who has spent more on who. We buy rounds, treat one to dinner if they're a bit broke that month and others in our circle aren't, turn up with alcohol and food to each others houses, invite each other round and host which costs more than the obligatory bottle of wine they bring. I have leant a friend small amounts of money and years ago borrowed the odd 50 quid.

I don't know how I'd be with new friends as I'll be honest I don't make new friends. Every few years I make a friend who sticks around but it takes a few years of being an acquaintance to be a friend.

@TheEmeraldRealm With real friends we usually take turns hosting so there's rarely a bill to split. If it's a big event I'll take stuff and they'd do the same.
Takeways are a family thing here. If I invite somebody over I'm unlikely to order in, except if it's very close family and then there's no issue of who pays or who doesn't, because it's as true as a friendship can be so it's give and take forever, there's no resentment. It's a two-way street with most of my family (for everything, not money in particular).

I think a lot of people on the thread are
a) Lucky enough that paying 'a bit extra' means nothing to them
b) Established friendship groups, like you said
c) Only hanging out with people at their own 'level'.

That's why they are content enough to happily judge other people....

Also @DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish I think a lot of people also don't socialise outside their little groups. A PP, think it was @LolaSmiles mentioned you know your friends' behaviours.
That's true for my 'close' friends, but I'm often invited to group outings by say, friends of a friend where I don't know everyone. I'm using the word 'friend' here to cover all bases instead of pedantically typing 'friends and acquaintances'.

There's always at least a couple of people who take the P ordering more than the rest, or one who eats less. Instead of trying to balance these out it's easier to split.

I also find it hard to fathom how people find it a pain keeping track of what they ate. It's not hard. I have ADHD and terrible working memory if I can do it anyone can. Unless of course you were merrily ordering various things without a care in the world... which is WHY you want to split in the first place! Nobody will admit to being the CF.

Me and my friends are always buying stuff for each other or paying for coffee etc, next time we get coffee someone else pays. If someone comes out without a bank card I will pay for what they want and I know they will get it back to me. When a friends kids all have bug and she can’t leave the house I will pick up and pay for what they need for the shops and let them settle it later… usually a few days later when my kids all have the same bug and the favour is returned.
I don’t think any of us are counting the exact pennies owed and if it makes a difference none of us are anywhere near being ‘well off’.