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Original poster

How generous are you with money in friendships

383 replies

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 05:34

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 31/07/2023 21:37

*ate and drank ofc

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 31/07/2023 21:38

Batshit1 · 31/07/2023 21:36

Me and my friends are always buying stuff for each other or paying for coffee etc, next time we get coffee someone else pays. If someone comes out without a bank card I will pay for what they want and I know they will get it back to me. When a friends kids all have bug and she can’t leave the house I will pick up and pay for what they need for the shops and let them settle it later… usually a few days later when my kids all have the same bug and the favour is returned.
I don’t think any of us are counting the exact pennies owed and if it makes a difference none of us are anywhere near being ‘well off’.

See that's the thing though - none of you are 'well off', you are broadly similar. Yet, it only takes one entitled person to ruin the dynamic, or one person ordering loads more than the rest...

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 31/07/2023 21:47

TheEmeraldRealm · 31/07/2023 19:38

Out of interest, all of those on this thread who like to calculate and pay for only what you eat/consume - what do you do when a Chinese or Indian takeaway is ordered. Or even Pizza for that matter. Do you all order and pay for your own dishes and not share? Or do you all choose a variety dishes and then share them all, splitting the overall bill.

I am interested to see if there is a correlation between people who refuse to split a bill and people who order their own dish from the takeaway and don't share.

Our family/friends always choose a bunch of stuff and share it out, like a banquet. But I have been at a house where I was quite alarmed to have to eat my entire chicken and black bean sauce alone and not have a spoon of it and then a bit of chow main and and couple of spoons of the crispy beef.

Erm depends on what people want surely?
If everyone wants to eat most things we share, otherwise not.
And the former only happens with people who are not fussy!
With things like dim sum meant as a sharing dish we share, but other stuff often gets so bogged down with what people can't/won't eat that it is easier for people to get their own. We split the bill for broadly similar priced food anyway.
Some things like roast duck and spare ribs are almost double the cost of the other stuff, not much with loads of people but noticeable if it's 3-4 of you!

Oatycookies · 31/07/2023 22:57

TheEmeraldRealm · 31/07/2023 19:38

Out of interest, all of those on this thread who like to calculate and pay for only what you eat/consume - what do you do when a Chinese or Indian takeaway is ordered. Or even Pizza for that matter. Do you all order and pay for your own dishes and not share? Or do you all choose a variety dishes and then share them all, splitting the overall bill.

I am interested to see if there is a correlation between people who refuse to split a bill and people who order their own dish from the takeaway and don't share.

Our family/friends always choose a bunch of stuff and share it out, like a banquet. But I have been at a house where I was quite alarmed to have to eat my entire chicken and black bean sauce alone and not have a spoon of it and then a bit of chow main and and couple of spoons of the crispy beef.

If I order a takeaway for friends who are visiting me at my home I pay for it all. they all, bar the one CF, work the same way as well - they pay for the whole bill when guests are at their house . I usually order what each person wants actually and we prefer to do that rather than sharing dishes.

If we go out to eat something like tapas or order a bunch of sharing dishes we split the bill but tbh we usually order different mains etc so that’s less common. I’m the type to hone in on a main dish on the menu and just want that, rather than want a bunch of little things from various dishes. I think most of my friends are the same.

My friends often cover the entire tables bill on their birthdays or events they are hosting and I do the same. But sometimes we also choose to just pay for what we’ve ordered individually which takes about 30-60 seconds to work out. It’s not difficult and no one should have a problem with it. The only time someone kicked up a fuss about us not paying equally was when a friend of a friend had ordered steak and wine and some of the table had ordered veggie food with no wine said heck no . She’d been hoping everyone would subsidise her I guess even though she didn’t know half the table 😂

Catsmere · 31/07/2023 23:15

I'm with you, OP, and always have been. Everyone pays for their own food, drinks, whatever.

msmonstera · 01/08/2023 00:10

We tend to split, but this is with long term good friends. A round each in a bar or split the bill evenly unless someone's only joined for a cup of tea or is doing the driving everyone home. It probably works out pennies over time.

I don't do this at work (avoid work socialising in general now though) because the times I've had to suck it up, the split bill always involved forking out for say the brand new kid and the alcoholic from accounts who had eight cocktails and had to be sent home, and you end up down a hundred quid for your own plate of pasta and glass of wine.

I would lend to a good friend, but only if I could accept never seeing the money again. If they were in dire straits I would gift it, but probably only once. I did lend a grand to a friend some years ago for a medical emergency. She promised to pay it back in instalments but never did in spite of gently reminding. She has since bought and furnished a house so I learned the hard way there.

I'd treat someone who was temporarily broke but don't persist for those who won't get their act together. Stopped buying drinks for an old constantly 'broke' artist mate who was spending his dole money on tattoos.

I think the above falls under a sensible generous rather than meanie :)

TodaysNameIsZig · 01/08/2023 06:00

Eltonjaunice · 31/07/2023 17:41

Wouldn't be my bag at all, don't think I have ever done it to be honest. The bill comes, we split it, all throw in a tip and that's it.

No calculators.
No going up alone to the till.
No totting up.

I suppose it depends on the friend group.

None of that happens if everyone pays for their own food though. It's usually easy to work out how much you need to pay and if not you can ask the wait staff.

Original poster
Ryvitas · 01/08/2023 07:18

@msmonstera please tell me she's now an ex friend...

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 12:10

TheEmeraldRealm · 31/07/2023 19:38

Out of interest, all of those on this thread who like to calculate and pay for only what you eat/consume - what do you do when a Chinese or Indian takeaway is ordered. Or even Pizza for that matter. Do you all order and pay for your own dishes and not share? Or do you all choose a variety dishes and then share them all, splitting the overall bill.

I am interested to see if there is a correlation between people who refuse to split a bill and people who order their own dish from the takeaway and don't share.

Our family/friends always choose a bunch of stuff and share it out, like a banquet. But I have been at a house where I was quite alarmed to have to eat my entire chicken and black bean sauce alone and not have a spoon of it and then a bit of chow main and and couple of spoons of the crispy beef.

You're being as bit obtuse with the 'refuse' comment as posters have explained why they want to pay for what they've had.

In our family/circle of friends we either pay the whole bill (take it in turns) or chuck in approximately what our individual orders cost. Some dishes are sharing, some not. Not difficult to work out either.

Splitting the bill only works when nobody is quietly sweating over being 'made' to pay more than they wanted/needed to spend. Now that is shockingly tone deaf and rude - and it happens.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/08/2023 14:49

My friends are mostly pretty generous with each other, often I'll get it this time you get it next time or I picked you up coffee on the way to meet you etc. The one or two that aren't generous definitely get talked about (I mean the ones who will gladly eat half of everyone's pizza at a dinner but only pay for their drink when the bill comes, or the one who will ask for a bank transfer for a glass of wine or half an Uber if they get it but don't offer to contribute to petrol when getting a lift!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/08/2023 14:49

Nugg · 31/07/2023 06:17

Very generous until I spot in being taken for a mug. Then it stops dead. I've a close friend who I've recently noticed does this so she no longer receives my generosity- it's a hard habit to break though!

Same here

Frances0911 · 01/08/2023 18:25

Agree with you OP.

A few years a friend fell out with me as I politely told her I could no longer afford to split the bill with her. She has a weight problem which in itself I obviously didn't have a problem with, but had enough of her ordering expensive steak and glasses of wine and desert for lunch. I can't eat huge meals at lunch time, so the last few times I asked her if we could pay separately, she was gobsmacked, and then started making less and less contact with me to meet up.

Worked out over the twenty years
we've been friends that I've subsidised her by several hundred pounds, and realise now she was just using me!

Angrywife · 01/08/2023 18:39

I regularly buy coffees, drinks, food, etc when out with friends, and I'm fortunate enough to have friends that don't take advantage and pay their way at other times. We don't keep a tally, it balances out near as damn it over time

bergen97 · 01/08/2023 18:51

I am glad you are not my friend! I will always happily split a bill; buy coffee; cake, etc. I treat my friends as my family; they do the same in return. I might be more reluctant to lend money (never been asked to do it) but I will happily fill someone’s fridge/ car if they needed help.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/08/2023 19:02

We always split the bill, I’d rather not go than have that haggling and working out who had a coffee and who pays 60p less because they had a coke - it makes me cringe.
Coffee with pals is the same, whoever pays, pays, I think it works out pretty evenly.
I love to gift now and then not for birthdays etc but just because I see something my friend would live and appreciate. I don’t think it’s about being generous really. You sound a bit mean to me but for me I really do enjoy giving, it’s good for the soul.
bar drinks usually it’s rounds in turns but if a pal ran short of money I’d happily cover his or her round. I have a lot of love for my friends though and I don’t have people I don’t care for around me.

SpiralBirdWhizz · 01/08/2023 19:09

I've always been the friend who is quick to get the bill, generous with gifts on birthdays and played hostess on many occasions. I give as much as I can to charity and I try and squeeze in as many volunteering hours per year as I can, it's been like my motto for life, give as much as you can to others.

Sometimes I would randomly send flowers or a card to a friend just to let them know I was thinking of them, and aside from the stuff you spend pennies on, I think I was generous with my time and some aspects of my job that can help others out.

I just had a big birthday and didn't even get a card from some friends who I thought I had always been there for... and it really hurt. It surprised me how much it hurt and I've battled with whether it means I'm a grabby CF.

I remember babysitting as a teenager, and the people I was sitting for had a detailed checklist for Christmas cards and gifts, as in given/received over previous years. At the time I thought they were awful people, because who keeps a tracker for Christmas cards?

But this year it was two friends with the least who were most thoughtful and the rest were all fucking absent and it really got me thinking about the kind of friend I am to people, compared to the friend some people are back to me and I realised my generosity largely isn't reciprocated, not even close.

It wasn't even about how grand the gesture was from the solitary two that did go to trouble, it was the fact that it they were thoughtful, compared to fuck all from others. (E.g the card from one of them had a really lovely note written in it).

I never thought it would be me, but I'm going to be the tightest wad you've ever met from now on financially, emotionally, professionally... the lot.

I don't think I've been deliberately used, I think most of my "friends" just got used to me being the cash cow. I've learned my lesson. It's been a bit bruising, I feel really stupid, and I know some will drift away now my purse is shut, but I'm done with being generous to anyone other than myself and charities I care about.

diddl · 01/08/2023 19:52

Generally we pay for our own.

I can't imagine why people think it's so difficult/haggling/quibbling/mortifying.

The bill gets paid plus a tip-the same as if it's split!

Original poster
Ryvitas · 01/08/2023 20:06

You're quite alright, I wouldn't really want to be your friend either 😀
You clearly can't understand that 'only £1/2/3 whatever amount adds up over time for people who cannot afford it

OP posts:
Icecreammonster · 01/08/2023 20:31

My friends are very precious to me, having very little family, I’d always offer to buy friends a drink or coffee and always remember birthdays and tend to get thoughtful presents etc
I have however stopped offering to buy rounds for more than a couple of friends and especially for those who I have noticed are less generous!
We’re on the lower end of the pay spectrum as a household but whilst nobody can refuse me of being tight, I am more careful than I used to be.
I am not at all materialistic and get pleasure from treating people, however I can sense a tight arse a mile off and adapt accordingly.

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 21:05

SpiralBirdWhizz · 01/08/2023 19:09

I've always been the friend who is quick to get the bill, generous with gifts on birthdays and played hostess on many occasions. I give as much as I can to charity and I try and squeeze in as many volunteering hours per year as I can, it's been like my motto for life, give as much as you can to others.

Sometimes I would randomly send flowers or a card to a friend just to let them know I was thinking of them, and aside from the stuff you spend pennies on, I think I was generous with my time and some aspects of my job that can help others out.

I just had a big birthday and didn't even get a card from some friends who I thought I had always been there for... and it really hurt. It surprised me how much it hurt and I've battled with whether it means I'm a grabby CF.

I remember babysitting as a teenager, and the people I was sitting for had a detailed checklist for Christmas cards and gifts, as in given/received over previous years. At the time I thought they were awful people, because who keeps a tracker for Christmas cards?

But this year it was two friends with the least who were most thoughtful and the rest were all fucking absent and it really got me thinking about the kind of friend I am to people, compared to the friend some people are back to me and I realised my generosity largely isn't reciprocated, not even close.

It wasn't even about how grand the gesture was from the solitary two that did go to trouble, it was the fact that it they were thoughtful, compared to fuck all from others. (E.g the card from one of them had a really lovely note written in it).

I never thought it would be me, but I'm going to be the tightest wad you've ever met from now on financially, emotionally, professionally... the lot.

I don't think I've been deliberately used, I think most of my "friends" just got used to me being the cash cow. I've learned my lesson. It's been a bit bruising, I feel really stupid, and I know some will drift away now my purse is shut, but I'm done with being generous to anyone other than myself and charities I care about.

I'm sorry you've been treated like that, I can empathise.
As much as people say they 'don't keep track' of what they give others it could also mean they fail to remember others' generosity.
There's only so much you can give before realising that you're just a bottomless pit to people. I don't think wanting to be appreciated -by your own friends - is grabby!

DrManhattan · 01/08/2023 21:18

I don't really understand how it's tight to pay for what you have bought. Isn't it a piss take to let other people pay for you. I couldn't split a bill equally with someone if I had ordered more than half. That's not fair on them. They shouldn't have to subsidise me.

wychiep00 · 01/08/2023 22:30

I used to pay for my friends when we went out. I used to loan money freely. I used to give "just because" gifts. Then I realized my friends and family weren't reciprocating, they weren't reaching out unless they needed something, and I was feeling more and more resentful - VERY tired of being The Bank Of Wychiep00.

New rules: I pay if I invite, otherwise I assume I'm paying for my meal only and am pleasantly surprised if they cover it. I've stopped reaching out as much and have let several relationships drop. I have a hard cap of $200USD I'll loan IF my husband and I agree we can afford it. If they pay it back in the agreed time, that cap resets. If they don't, I mentally write it off as a gift and don't loan anything again. If one of my artist/crafter friends are having a tough time I'll buy something from their Etsy shop or sponsor them on Patreon if my husband and I agree we can afford it. I give gifts to my friends' children if I can afford it and I actually have a relationship with the child. Yes, I have lost several friends over this. Yes, it hurts. No, I'm not going back to the old rules because I refuse to chase after people begging them to love me or trying to buy that love. It has taken 20 years of therapy off and on but I know I deserve better and am willing to have a much smaller circle rather than settle.

Dee00 · 01/08/2023 23:01

I think being frugal is one of the worst traits in a person. I would rather be out of pocket and be generous than nit picking at a bill.

If I go out for for coffee with a good friend we always argue who’s paying. I wouldn’t care if I payed a few times in a row. If I go out for drinks I always want to get the round and feel like I can enjoy myself knowing I’ve got a few rounds in. We always split large meal bill’s equally.

With less close friends, like work colleagues I’m the same but I usually suss the tight/stingy one quite quickly and find it quite of putting. That being said I’m the first to say if someone isn’t drinking that they shouldn’t be included in buying rounds. Then again, many times I am not drinking but I insist on getting one in. It’s just the way I am.

WasJuliaRight · 01/08/2023 23:31

SpiralBirdWhizz · 01/08/2023 19:09

I've always been the friend who is quick to get the bill, generous with gifts on birthdays and played hostess on many occasions. I give as much as I can to charity and I try and squeeze in as many volunteering hours per year as I can, it's been like my motto for life, give as much as you can to others.

Sometimes I would randomly send flowers or a card to a friend just to let them know I was thinking of them, and aside from the stuff you spend pennies on, I think I was generous with my time and some aspects of my job that can help others out.

I just had a big birthday and didn't even get a card from some friends who I thought I had always been there for... and it really hurt. It surprised me how much it hurt and I've battled with whether it means I'm a grabby CF.

I remember babysitting as a teenager, and the people I was sitting for had a detailed checklist for Christmas cards and gifts, as in given/received over previous years. At the time I thought they were awful people, because who keeps a tracker for Christmas cards?

But this year it was two friends with the least who were most thoughtful and the rest were all fucking absent and it really got me thinking about the kind of friend I am to people, compared to the friend some people are back to me and I realised my generosity largely isn't reciprocated, not even close.

It wasn't even about how grand the gesture was from the solitary two that did go to trouble, it was the fact that it they were thoughtful, compared to fuck all from others. (E.g the card from one of them had a really lovely note written in it).

I never thought it would be me, but I'm going to be the tightest wad you've ever met from now on financially, emotionally, professionally... the lot.

I don't think I've been deliberately used, I think most of my "friends" just got used to me being the cash cow. I've learned my lesson. It's been a bit bruising, I feel really stupid, and I know some will drift away now my purse is shut, but I'm done with being generous to anyone other than myself and charities I care about.

I never thought it would be me, but I'm going to be the tightest wad you've ever met from now on financially, emotionally, professionally... the lot.

this makes me sad to read you can still be the thoughtful generous friend to those who do appreciate you. Don’t let some selfish people change your good nature just alter your behaviour with them.

But this year it was two friends with the least who were most thoughtful and the rest were all fucking absent

these two friends are special and won’t expect anything in return from you and anything you do give them they appear to value.

Ilovecleaning · 02/08/2023 04:39

Mamai90 · 31/07/2023 06:10

You sound like a miser OP.

In my opinion it's not a nice trait. I'm a generous person and I treat my friends who have less money than me and I'd always lend money if someone needed it. I've always been paid back. You can't take it with you!

All my friends are generous except one and it really stands out. He tries to dodge paying rounds and it's annoying he's a good friend in other ways but I really think being so tight let's him down.

Is she hell a miser. Do you know what a miser is?