How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

Some people really fail to recognise the position of privilege they're in. It must be lovely to go to a restaurant and have no idea what the bill is going to be, or to be able to pay an extra £5, £10 whatever here and there because it's 'only' £10.

If someone is so 'brassic' they're worried if the bill is £5 or £10 more than anticipated they'd be wise not to eat out on that occasion. That's life. Its meaningless making accusations of "privilege" - sorry but the reality is, some people are indeed more well-off than others.

most of my friends are on a par to me finance wise - we tend not to split bills but take it it turns to pay, and probably subsidise each other if one or the other going through a period of not working - I've never really felt taken advantage of.

Friends I know less well, or who I know are less financially well of than me - more likely to split the bill, so that they don't feel under any obligation.

Of course some are better off than others but it's not their place to insist on bill splitting when others feel uncomfortable.
Do you really think that those on a budget should stay at home because they can't afford to relax their spending?
Selfish attitude
I have every admiration for people who have the guts to say, I can come but I'm on a budget.
Absolutely fine, no problem,.

In my friendship group and in a work group several people started to drop out because they couldn't afford the bill splitting approach and so we all agreed to just pay for what we have.
As explained above the area I'm in is set up for this type of up front payment.
All those saying nasty things about others -their generosity is ironically about THEM.

Look at how generous and kind I am.
Look up the meaning behind generosity and giving, quiet giving is for the recipients , public giving is always about the giver.

So understanding the true meaning of giving, understanding that others may have a different budget to you and accommodating them without snideness or nasty comments is true generosity and inclusiveness.

Ridiculous to suggest that they should stay home rather than just come out and pay for what they've had. Very odd.

Yes I've noticed that, there's a lot of 'Look how generous and giving I am, you're soo 'brassic' (ha), skinflint, mean, miser, tight arsed. And the insults go on and on, because somebody just wants to pay for what they've had. Unbelievable.

If you can’t afford a meal that’s a few quid more then don’t go.

I bet you are the type that doesn’t tip either.

It's all very egotistical.

So people should be socially isolated because they are on a budget?
No
The issue is that people should be able to say, actually I'm sticking to a budget without others thinking it reflects or affects them.
We manage it well, sometimes I'm not overly hungry so will just have a starter.
What I don't need is someone in my face going " Omg you're so meaaan, skinflint" etc
It's egotistical and a form of social exclusion

What you really mean is ‘If you can’t afford a meal that’s a few quid more to subsidise my choices then don’t go.

It depends on how much money I have. Right now I’m struggling a bit so I would only pay for my own. A lot of my friends also have a lot more money than me and if they know I am struggling a bit they’ll offer to cover me and I won’t say no.

I'm not short of money but I still don't see why I should subsidise someone's lobster if I'm eating a pizza. Equally I don't see why I should sub someone's dinner if I perceive them to be hard up - or they perceive themselves to be so - but they absolutely have the right to only pay what they ordered.

Thankfully with good friends we are totally equitable and generally eat around the same. If someone has an extra glass of wine or the steak, they will usually offer to pay more. Things like coffee we take turns.

I tend to avoid larger group meals these days. It's not worth the agitation. There's always at least one person taking the mickey and I find it too annoying to bother.

Exactly. "If you can't afford to subsidise my choices stay at home." No I'm good thanks. Learn to pay your own way.

Complete lack of awareness once again "It's only a few quid more"
"Stay at home"

I’m also not a bill splitter.
Fortunately neither are my friends.

I don’t mind if we’re talking £1 difference, so if the bill was £60 and I’ve spent £29 and my friend £30, then I don’t mind then as it’s a very minor amount.

But if I’ve spent £25 and they’ve spent £30 I’m not splitting that bill 😂

I also avoid lending money. Not that I generally have much to loan people, but I can’t afford not to have it back. So I don’t lend it.

I don’t mind doing rounds when there’s just 2 of us. So I buy the first drinks, they buy the next. That’s fair enough. I avoid buying rounds where there’s more people though because you can’t guarantee you’ll get a drink back off all of those people and technically I’d then be out of pocket.

I just don’t have money to burn and so can’t afford to splash it about willy nilly.

Where it really is only a couple of quid then quibbling does come across as tight.

If one person has a mushroom risotto and someone else has a seafood platter then obviously most people won't say bill splitting is fair.

If I went for a lunch with a friend and we both had dishes that were within a couple of quid of each other and both drank soft drinks, I really wouldn't be getting a calculator out because their main was £13.95 and mine was £12.50, my drink was 62p more than theirs. We'd split the bill, then round up a little for a tip.

I agree

If I go out for a meal with a friend and I order more wine etc than them, I’ll always pay for what I’ve had. I’d never expect someone to subsidise the extras I’ve opted to eat/drink. That was my choice to have them, I ensure I have the money to pay for them.

And equally I wouldn’t subsidise someone else’s meal unless it was a treat from me for their birthday or something.

Fortunately, like you, I also don’t have friends that would take the piss and will always pay for their own food/drinks, the same as I do.

If you expect people to pay for stuff they haven’t had, to cover the cost of what you’ve had, then maybe you’re the one who shouldn’t be going if you can’t afford to pay for your own food?

Exactly.

Not one person has suggested quibbling or getting a calculator out!
You are just not getting it.
Someone might not go because there is the potential them to be stuck with paying out more than they can afford.

I will often buy friends coffees/meals. I'd like them to offer the next time, if they don't, I don't buy for them again.

I don't lend people money.

I've sometimes been 'forced' to split bills which often annoys me cos I'm driving abd their chugging back who knows what and have had dessert or steak. I tend to be clear now about what we're all paying for. I have met people who put extra into a split bill cos they know they've had more to drink/eat etc but not everyone does that.

My friends think I'm generous. I think I pay my own way and I'd like them to do the same.

I have a friend on benefits - long story but cancer left her with significant disabilities. She is frugal. She lives c50 miles away and she used to take it in turns with me to come visit me. She no longer does that and changed it up when I was being made redundant. She also stopped contributing to meals - previously I'd suggest a carvery and pay, she'd suggest a snack bar and pay. She bought a new car a few months back and was bragging about it cos she'd traded up - bigger car etc.
I'm now self-employed and earn a fair amount of £ but it's not secure income and I have to win work to keep paying myself. I had a 12yo car with 240k miles on the clock. I only got a new car (2 weeks ago) cos my car conked out on me. I went for a smaller cheaper car - I could afford it but couldn't justify replacing like fir like as that was £65k spend!

Anyways, I've stopped paying for meals. I visit her maybe 2 or 3 times a year - we used to see each other monthly. It's her loss... BTW she receives free rent, free council tax and around £3k in benefits, so she has as much disposable income as I do.

Yes @Dibbydoos similar situation with a family relative. They are on benefits and have little outgoings. Used to treat her and her now thankfully ex boyfriend to meals and treats on days out until we heard her boasting she would never get a job because she had enough money to live on, so now we don't and tend to eat at places like Weatherspoons which are cheaper and are easy to pay per person on the app.

Not one person has suggested quibbling or getting a calculator out!
You are just not getting it.
Someone might not go because there is thepotential them to be stuck with paying out more than they can afford.
It is quibbling if it really is a couple of quid and you see the mindset of some people.
The OP would consider lending 50p but nothing more. If a friend needed 50p, I wouldn't say "oooh you can have 50p but you better pay me back".
There's also the assumption that bill splitting is always one person eating expensive food, multiple courses, lots of alcohol and another person having one cheaper meal and a soft drink.

The whole outlook here isn't people being stuck between going out or staying at home in case they're lumped with someone else's lobster and champagne bill.

It some people who won't get a coffee for their friend unless their friend has previously bought them one, won't split the bill even if everyone has had roughly the same thing. It is about quibbling over a couple of quid here and there that would even out over a couple of social occasions. It's fine if people want to have very transactional friendships, but don't count the pennies and keep tit for tat count and be surprised that the quibbling outlook is noticed.

I’m still furious after 25 years. A person I thought was my best friend was returning from Australia. Her husband hadn’t arrived yet so I lent her my holiday money and some of my sons toys including a go cart that was a gift from his god parents and slightly too big for him.
she never returned a penny or the go cart. My son was devastated. Totally on me for being a fool. She ghosted me and so did her mother who was also a friend.
I am still furious and have never lent anything to anyone again and that goes against my nature.
I absolutely hopes she rots in hell.

There isn't any quibbling !
We either order on an app/ QR/ order at bar or agree to all pay our bill ourselves.
God people are so stuck in get and split a bill.
It's perfectly easy to just pay for yourself without quibbling, rudeness / calculators etc
This has been agreed within my friendship/ work social group as more inclusive and so that everyone can attend if they want to.