How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

When I was younger, I somehow (or we if husband and I went out with friends together) somehow always used to end up paying.

Try very hard these days (with retirement on the horizon) not to!

I'm mostly the same as you OP, in the past my generosity has been taken advantage of, I'd often pay as I always earned more than my friends. When I was saving for a house deposit, then moved out with a mortgage / bills to pay I felt like they would still just expect me to pay, and never ever offered to pay for me, strange that those friends didn't stick around once the freebies stopped. I don't mind splitting the bill equally if someone hasn't totally taken the piss with drinks and the most expensive things on the menu, I've been caught out in the past with that so will speak up now if splitting the bill equally means I'm paying double for example x

I can afford my own meal… I’m also the one that normally misses out by a few quid as I split the bill and don’t drink alcohol.

Just can’t stand tight ass squeaky people hence why I wouldn’t get the calculator out and embarrass the table. Easier to split and since they are my friends I don’t care if I pay a bit extra aslong as we all have a good time.

I hate this idea that not being relaxed about money is embarrassing.

I hate the thought that people are so mean fisted they wouldn’t lend a friend 50p! Oh well.

Test out if they are real friends when you don’t pay for their alcohol.

Test out if your friends are real friends when you don’t pay for their alcohol.

I have….

An extra 50pm is not a problem.

The problems with bill splitting arise when someone orders a shit ton of cocktails/wine/sides etc costing a lot more and when the bill comes they expect their friends to subsidise all that extra stuff they threw down their neck.

Hardly fair if the bill comes to £100, with one persons food costing £60 and other persons food comes to £40, to then expect the person who spent less, to pay an extra £10+ to pay for stuff they didn’t even have. Regardless of whether they can afford it or not, it’s a pisstake.

You can only lend it if you have it!

Yeah. I've been caught like this before. It's very annoying.

browneyes77
But to some people 50p is a problem. They'll lend it but nothing more.And coffees are strictly monitored tit for tat too.

I'm in total agreement on the big disparities though. That is cheeky fucker territory.

But I couldn't imagine taking the attitude of some people always keeping tabs on pennies. One of my siblings likes a syrup in their coffee and I can take or leave it. If I took the outlook of some people on here I should never buy her a coffee unless she has previously bought me a coffee of equal value and in the event we go out together we should both buy our own coffees because her syrup makes her coffee 30p more expensive. If we did reciprocal coffee orders each time we went out I might be out of pocket less than £1 over a month. But of course there's now quibbling here, no penny pinching, no being tight.

It doesn't matter whether it's 1p or 50p tbh. Never said I wouldn't lend it on the odd occasion, I said not regularly as it soon adds up. Work on reading comprehension.

Yeah if we’re talking a very minor amount like a quid or two, then I personally don’t have an issue splitting the bill.

But some people do not like splitting the bill even if it is only 50p difference and that’s perfectly fine too. Nobody should be pushed/ forced or shamed into paying more than they need to, however small the amount.

Everyone has different boundaries and principles, that work for them.

Also I think that maybe what’s being missed here (and a few PP’s have given examples of their experiences), is that often people end up being more stringent in their spending around friends, because they’ve been taken advantage of previously.

Point being you're penny counting actual pennies and have a very tit for tat outlook that's quite tight, which is fine, but it's not going to be surprising if that's noticed.

Most people (including almost everyone who would rightly have an issue with 3 course fancy eaters being cf wanting to bill split with someone who had a risotto) don't penny pinch to that level.

Exactly, it's the pressure, shaming and name calling. Who wants friends like that ?

In high school I was bullied by a friend who used to take 50p from my lunch money nearly every day. I was too nervous to stand up to her, she'd just take it and tell me 'you don't need that do you'

So there are a lot of people on here screaming "It's only 50p!!! You're soooo mean, soo right, you're a skinflint!!" These things add up. Call me whatever name you like, that says way more about you. I don't give a toss what you think.

browneyes77
Agree with you about some people taking a lend and being cf.

I think I think there's a difference between being more stringent (eg it's the norm when I'm out with some friends who drink alcohol that they split the alcohol between them and then non drinkers just split the food element because all dishes are around the same / only doing turn taking coffee orders when you're with someone who you know you see regularly and do their share) and the nit picky tight and transactional outlook that seems to underpin some of these friendships.

Personally I couldn't care less that my scone on one meeting was £1 less than a friend's price of cake or a sibling's syrup shot was 30p, and they're not the sort of people who are going to meet up in a week's time and say "actually Lola we should pay for our own this time because my americano is less than your latte and pennies matter". I guess I'm grateful that I don't have tight friends and nobody is a cf.

They must be cf if they don't mind you paying for them. It might be a money issue though because they must be hard up and couldn’t drink if you didn’t pay and being cf they don’t mind taking from you. I hope that they a my your paying for them. I stay within my limits and wouldn’t even think of a someone paying for what I couldn’t afford or what I could afford.

That’s sad you were bullied.
I wouldn’t lend cash. Ive never been asked for a loan or for cash. I’ve never borrowed because I stay within my limits. I tell my kids that you have some money but you only spend half of it. You keep the rest. If you want something you save up until the cost is half of your savings to spend. Never spend more than you have. It’s tough with the prices going up and the bills. I check the prices of everything. I know people in poverty because of the prices and there is no solution.

But why is it tight? I'm a single parent with very little financial contribution from xh. I can't afford to not be fussed, or tight, about money.

One way I look at it is if three of us have gone out and we’ve all had a main, a drink and shared starters if when the bill comes it’s £55/57 we’ll all pay £20. Our mindset is a meal out for £20, We’re happy with that.

So you give only when you can expect to receive. Doesn’t sound very generous…

"Most" yeah maybe in your world
Meanwhile in my world, in any group situation with work, friends, family, everyone has paid just their bit. All close relationships unaffected by this "tightness". Just because they is the norm in your world doesn't mean it's the norm everywhere.
People saying it's tight obviously don't have to worry about money.

How dare you suggest that people who can afford to pay for what they have, shouldn't go out.

Tipping is voluntary too, we have a standard wage in this country and it makes me so angry to see big mouths posture that waiting staff must have a tip, even if the customer is also on standard wage. Just stop it.

I wish I believed in karma when I see posters like you post to cause hurt.