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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
eggandonion · 31/07/2023 09:55

My son's best man put all the cards in a laptop bag. The bride or groom handed them to him.
As each of my kids has got engaged I add their family to my Christmas card list. Which makes up for all the elderly aunts who have passed on.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/07/2023 09:56

People are making so much fuss over the bride being handed a card with fifty quid in. She should have said ‘oh my goodness, I’m so glad you could make it to the service, it’s great to see you both, you really didn’t have to get us a card, I’ll give that to XXXX (any bridesmaid, best man, usher) to look after now. Take care, will see you soon.’ Then they leave after the church service. Your SIL and brother don’t have to spend any money on them, it’s not like they’ve turned up to the reception demanding champagne, canapés and a three course meal. Anyone can watch a wedding, but your SIL sounds like she just doesn’t know the etiquette of church weddings. It’s not because they’re Irish, this happens in England all the time in CoE services. That’s why their banns would have been read six weeks before. Your SIL sounds a bit thick TBH, I hope she sends them a gushing thank you card for the fifty quid. Your in-laws sound lovely, decent people.

Superfood · 31/07/2023 09:58

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 09:46

I have never, been to any wedding, of any description, where immediately after the service the bride or groom are suddenly handed loads of cards or gifts. Think about that. It’s not appropriate. What’s she supposed to do with them all? Create a pile in a pew?

discreetly attending as a parishioner is one thing. Attending as a family member who’s not been invited with a child to a non child wedding and then delivering cards. Nope. Weird. And definitely not the norm.

Show quote history

a non-child wedding

This is so fucking bizarre. It's a church ceremony. How do you think an "impeccably behaved" 10-year- old girl would affect the church service?

Perhaps if you were a Roald Dahl witch who found the stench of children unbearable....

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 09:59

Something tells me a thank you card won't be forthcoming @Moveoverdarlin! It doesn't sound like the happy couple have much grasp of etiquette.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 31/07/2023 10:01

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:52

In-laws never knew how upset I was that my brother didn’t want his nieces and nephew at his wedding and neither did my parents. It was my parents who were upset and asked him to reconsider when it turned out her cousins’ kids were flower girl and page.

It would be none of in-laws’ business but they would still have been upset. DH’s niece was visiting them so they brought her. It wouldn’t have entered their minds that they were doing anything wrong. There isn’t s malicious bone in their bodies.

I think this is your problem right here. The bride probably feels she already had your parents intervening when it came to inviting children - then, on top of that, your in-laws turn up too. It must have felt a bit like you were trying to dictate the guest list. You say yourself that you feel embarrassed that your brother didn’t invite your in-laws anyway (seriously?)

I do think it was mean of your brother and SIL to not invite your children when the bride’s nieces were invited. I’m completely in favour of the bride and groom having full control of the guest list, but it seems cruel to apply different rules to one side of the family. I also don’t think your in-laws did anything wrong deliberately, but it was a bit off that they didn’t even mention anything to you in advance. Just because you can do something, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

Don’t make this into some big dramatic event that it doesn’t need to be. The fuss will have died down in a few days. Your husband saying he is “mortified” and panics about family feuds are way over the top. Your brother and SIL will probably clap eyes on your in-laws once a decade, if that.

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 10:04

I have never, been to any wedding, of any description, where immediately after the service the bride or groom are suddenly handed loads of cards or gifts.

Neither have I, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

I can't get my head around why anyone wouldn't be flattered that someone had taken time out of their day to witness them getting married. Or why someone would be offended at receiving a card with a monetary gift. Anyone who would sounds like hard work.

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 10:06

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Grimbelina · 31/07/2023 10:08

So sad that your SIL couldn't see it as the kind gesture it was.

Hayliebells · 31/07/2023 10:11

What did DB and SIL say when it was pointed out to them that anyone can attend a church wedding? Surely someone has made that point?

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 10:11

I can't get my head around why anyone wouldn't be flattered that someone had taken time out of their day to witness them getting married. Or why someone would be offended at receiving a card with a monetary gift. Anyone who would sounds like hard work.

I think people are not really thinking about it very hard if they really can't understand why someone might not be flattered.

First of all, they may not like them very much, but that's not the main point.

As much as people on here are adamant this is the done thing - many, including myself, have said that they were not aware of that. I've never encountered people showing up to a wedding when not invited, church or otherwise. People are becoming less and less aware of church etiquette as people are becoming less and less religious. I'm not disputing that it apparently is the done thing, but still, it's not hard to understand how it might come across if you didn't know that. If someone I knew but didn't invite showed up at my wedding I would be thinking "that's weird, oh fuck, have I offended them by not inviting them and they're trying to make a point?" It would probably distract me from the day a bit.

I'm not saying they've done wrong, it was a misunderstanding. But no, I wouldn't have been flattered, I'd have been confused and worried.

GreenhouseGarden · 31/07/2023 10:15

It’s a wedding in a church anyone can attend. We had several members of the congregation come to our wedding - I thought it was lovely that they came and took the time celebrate with us.

if you want a private wedding book a private venue.

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 10:16

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CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 10:20

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 10:11

I can't get my head around why anyone wouldn't be flattered that someone had taken time out of their day to witness them getting married. Or why someone would be offended at receiving a card with a monetary gift. Anyone who would sounds like hard work.

I think people are not really thinking about it very hard if they really can't understand why someone might not be flattered.

First of all, they may not like them very much, but that's not the main point.

As much as people on here are adamant this is the done thing - many, including myself, have said that they were not aware of that. I've never encountered people showing up to a wedding when not invited, church or otherwise. People are becoming less and less aware of church etiquette as people are becoming less and less religious. I'm not disputing that it apparently is the done thing, but still, it's not hard to understand how it might come across if you didn't know that. If someone I knew but didn't invite showed up at my wedding I would be thinking "that's weird, oh fuck, have I offended them by not inviting them and they're trying to make a point?" It would probably distract me from the day a bit.

I'm not saying they've done wrong, it was a misunderstanding. But no, I wouldn't have been flattered, I'd have been confused and worried.

You do get told when planning the wedding with the church so should know and understand people can turn up, though maybe people who never go to church don't think it will really happen (I do wonder why on earth these people have church weddings though!). Also, can totally see that an anxious bride might think it's a pass-agg gesture from someone miffed not to get an invite if they really don't understand the custom - I hadn't considered that! But to be thunderously angry about it, as OP describes SIL, baffles me. And the detail about children on her side but not the groom's being invited originally doesn't cast her in a great light either.

JudgeJ · 31/07/2023 10:25

The OP has asked for views, shockingly (sarcasm) as with many religious people there’s no room for an alternative position. You would have been fine with someone you know, uninvited, turning up at your wedding. I would not.

MN hypocrisy at its finest. 'No room for an alternative position'. ie the Church should change its stance to suit little Moi! If you don't like the way the Church has done things since its inception then don't make use of it for your little occasion, it's simple enough.

Middleagedmeangirls · 31/07/2023 10:29

I'm torn here. Also from an Irish background so understand the turning up at the service to see the bride. It happened at my wedding and I've done it myself.

BUT - hanging around afterwards to hand over a card rather than hand it to an invited guest to deliver does sound a bit like angling for a last minute invitation. (Its's a tactic my lovely Irish MIL used successfully on several occasions!). IME onlookers who aren't hoping for an invitation slip in quietly at the back and then head off immediately after the service rather than mingling with the guests.

Waffle78 · 31/07/2023 10:29

That's just what I was thinking my ex's sister moved over to Ireland. They had they're 5 kids baptized into the Catholic church we had gone to visit them so went to the baptism. So with ex brother and his wife there as well was only 5 family members. But we got to the church and it was packed. They had a fire burning at the door on the way in but me ex and our daughter who was 2 had to stand at the back of the church. There was nowhere for us to sit.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 10:32

Hayliebells · 31/07/2023 10:11

What did DB and SIL say when it was pointed out to them that anyone can attend a church wedding? Surely someone has made that point?

If someone had they’d likely have complained that it’s not what they wanted.

Much like the threads when people are complaining that the pretty church they’re getting married in expects them to leave the flowers behind.

They don’t actually care how things are always done in the church. They just want their day, their way, in the pretty building and don’t see why they should have to accommodate any of the church norms.

InAnyOtherLife · 31/07/2023 10:33

Waffle78 · 31/07/2023 10:29

That's just what I was thinking my ex's sister moved over to Ireland. They had they're 5 kids baptized into the Catholic church we had gone to visit them so went to the baptism. So with ex brother and his wife there as well was only 5 family members. But we got to the church and it was packed. They had a fire burning at the door on the way in but me ex and our daughter who was 2 had to stand at the back of the church. There was nowhere for us to sit.

The priest should have kept the front rows clearly for the little ones being baptised and their guests.

Kerrylass · 31/07/2023 10:34

My advice to you is keep your head down until this blows over. They cant hold it against you indefinitely . You are note your in laws keepers. whats done is done.

loislovesstewie · 31/07/2023 10:41

I thought all weddings had to be open to members of the public so that if there are any objections they can be made? I'm thinking of the bit where the statement is made about anyone knowing any unlawful impediment . So, you can't ban anyone from being at the ceremony. I've been to weddings where the congregation applaud the bride and groom as they walk back down the aisle, lots of things happen that are just tradition, and that includes non invited onlookers.

InAnyOtherLife · 31/07/2023 10:41

I'm just going to add, along with many others that if your brother and sister in law were so ignorant of the fact that anyone can attend their Church ceremony, then they shouldn't have had one.

I really, really feel for your parents in law. We had neighbours of my parents, work colleagues and even just some elderly parishioners who love a wedding turn up to ours, they sat at the back, wished us well afterwards, and yes, shockingly, some gave us cards, which I was capable of holding until someone else took them for safekeeping. All without agenda, and we were touched that they had taken the time to dress up appropriately and simply come to see us get married.

kittykarate · 31/07/2023 10:42

Someone hands you a card outside the ceremony you go "Thank you very much" and then palm it off onto the Best Man. It's one of the many unsung jobs of the best man to wrangle things like that until the reception.

Horseshoes however - you can't palm them off and have to carry them for a while. If you're lucky you don't know anyone who owns a horse or it might be a real one.

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 10:43

You do get told when planning the wedding with the church so should know and understand people can turn up, though maybe people who never go to church don't think it will really happen (I do wonder why on earth these people have church weddings though!). Also, can totally see that an anxious bride might think it's a pass-agg gesture from someone miffed not to get an invite if they really don't understand the custom - I hadn't considered that! But to be thunderously angry about it, as OP describes SIL, baffles me. And the detail about children on her side but not the groom's being invited originally doesn't cast her in a great light either.

Yes, I do totally agree that SIL seems overly angry and unpleasant, a simple conversation explaining the custom should have sorted this out and she should have mellowed. I was more just addressing why someone might not feel flattered at the time.

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 10:44

*Worried????

about what??*

I just explained about what. Did you read the comment?

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 31/07/2023 10:46

People are becoming less and less aware of church etiquette as people are becoming less and less religious. I'm not disputing that it apparently is the done thing, but still, it's not hard to understand how it might come across if you didn't know that.

For that reason, I'd have thought the vicar should mention in it the marriage classes.

I'd always describe myself as "culturally Christian" and not terribly religious, but when I read threads on here I realise that a lot of people who might say that, want to marry in church etc, are less aware of norms than I am.

So it probably is a good idea for vicars to not assume too much prior knowledge.

I can understand why you could feel like that, but I promise if l go to a wedding it's because I'm happy for you and want to see you looking lovely and getting married!