In-laws and my new sister-in-law

[RozDoylessister]

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

They’re either there because they’re entitled to be there, church wedding public blah blah.

Or they’re there as family members. Uninvited family members. Who crossed a line.

These two things aren't mutually exclusive. They can be non invited distant family members wishing a couple well.

People do hand out cards. It happened to me.

You hand it to a bridesmaid; that's one of the reasons they're there.

The horror! What to do with a card! How traumatic.

You are aware not all weddings are Christian?

It’s not an ancient law - Catholic Church weddings are open to all, not just wedding guests. You can’t private/exclusive hire a church. I think your PILs were being really lovely and the bride and her family just don’t get it. Their problem.

I am Jewish. The poster is correct. You are wrong.

Gets the popcorn out and watched as the bridezilla takes on the whole of mumsnet.

Of course - random people could have just walked into my wedding. No questions asked. And asserted their legal right to be there.

Grey rock.

”they are fond of our family, they thought they were doing a nice thing. They gave you £50. They didn’t know you wouldn’t like it as it’s a done thing in their communities. Get over it.”

Which is not remotely what I said, but enjoy your twisting - I said people who have an objection have the right to enter. Which they do - to raise the objection.

But whatever

It's her wedding, she has every right to be annoyed, how dare others ignore her wishes just so they can do what they want. Very rude indeed.

@AngelAurora you're basically wrong. A church wedding is a public event. Anyone may attend (I come from a clergy family).

churches have to be open to everyone, because everybody is asked to speak up if they know of a reason for the marriage to not go ahead.

(bridezilla is a good enough reason we know now 😀)

Approaching someone and giving them a present is ‘intrusive and awkward’?! When they’ve just become a member of your extended family? What kind of socially deficient, sad community/ family do you belong to? I feel sorry for you if that’s what you think.

OP’s SIL needs to grow up and learn what a church wedding ceremony actually is. Absolutely common practice to attend if you want to wish the newly weds well and aren’t going to the rest of the day. Bizarre that she didn’t know that. I’m not a church goer but, surely you don’t need to be to know that?!

And I agree with a PP, if that’s how she reacts to this, just wait till something really challenging happens in their life… Good luck with that, OP!

OP, your in laws sound lovely. Just let your brother and sil get on with all the unnecessary drama themselves and try not to get involved, easier said than done, probably. But good luck with that ‘gem’ of a SIL.

Yes. Unless you had some sort of weird non-legally- binding handfasting ceremony or something.

Civil ceremonies can take place at a register office or what is called an “approved venue”. In England and Wales it’s places, not people, that are licensed for marriage, so legally-binding ceremonies must happen in a venue that is a permanent structure with a roof, approved for marriage and accessible to anyone.

OMG it’s a card! She GAVE IT TO ME, THE BRIDE! What am I supposed to do with it?? I’m holding a card!! On my wedding day! Someone save me!! My wedding is ruined! The bitch!

I have never, been to any wedding, of any description, where immediately after the service the bride or groom are suddenly handed loads of cards or gifts. Think about that. It’s not appropriate. What’s she supposed to do with them all? Create a pile in a pew?

discreetly attending as a parishioner is one thing. Attending as a family member who’s not been invited with a child to a non child wedding and then delivering cards. Nope. Weird. And definitely not the norm.

Pick a side? They are there because they know the groom he is related to their dil and grandchildren and they are wishing him well on his wedding day, maybe they don't know his bride but so what. They are not invited to the wedding reception but as multiple people have pointed out it is perfectly normal in lots of distant customs, traditions and religious services for people to turn up to a public service to wish the couple well.

What’s she supposed to do with them all? Create a pile in a pew?

Hand them to the best man at every wedding I’ve ever seen it happen at.

I've always lived in an English village, its considered normal here for friends and neighbours of the bridal family who have not been invited to gather in the churchyard to see the bride in and out of the church. Its also quite usual for some to slip into the back pews for the service once the bride is in and they can see there is room, particularly if the weather is bad. Church services are public events, I think its a legal requirement so that anyone can object when the minister asks the if anyone knows of any reason the wedding cannot take place, to declare it. I think you need to explain to your sister-in-law that this is simply a clash of cultures.

Muslim here. Anyone can turn up to the mosque to witness an Islamic marriage ceremony and anyone can attend an Islamic funeral (and they do).

And ranting at them about how unkind and dim witted they are is a bit of a long way from “explaining”!

But in case anyone really couldn’t work it out, I wasn’t suggesting punching them in the face as a serious course of action.

Your DB and SIL need to get a grip and get over it. You and your DH are not responsible for what his parents do. If they mention it again, just repeat that on a loop.

I presume that they will be returning the £50 if they are that annoyed ?

I know!!

Elderly bastards handing you a card with felicitations at joining the family, that you could just graciously accept and hand to hour mother....

But no, ......far better to seek out your SIL and snarl your disapproval.

The dregs, pure and simple.

It's weird if they tapped the groom on the shoulder at the 'you may kiss the bride' moment to proffer their card. And most people bringing cards or gifts bring them to the reception and put them on the gift table. But someone just coming to the church might hand one over, and a bridesmaid finds someone to look after it and put it with the others at the reception.

Also, you can't have a non-child wedding in a church; you can't exclude anyone. And the OP has clearly stated that the in-laws had no idea at all that the couple didn't want children there.

Oh, and the card wouldn't be handed over in the church; it would be after the couple have made their exit and everyone mills around congratulating them.