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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 10:48

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 10:11

I can't get my head around why anyone wouldn't be flattered that someone had taken time out of their day to witness them getting married. Or why someone would be offended at receiving a card with a monetary gift. Anyone who would sounds like hard work.

I think people are not really thinking about it very hard if they really can't understand why someone might not be flattered.

First of all, they may not like them very much, but that's not the main point.

As much as people on here are adamant this is the done thing - many, including myself, have said that they were not aware of that. I've never encountered people showing up to a wedding when not invited, church or otherwise. People are becoming less and less aware of church etiquette as people are becoming less and less religious. I'm not disputing that it apparently is the done thing, but still, it's not hard to understand how it might come across if you didn't know that. If someone I knew but didn't invite showed up at my wedding I would be thinking "that's weird, oh fuck, have I offended them by not inviting them and they're trying to make a point?" It would probably distract me from the day a bit.

I'm not saying they've done wrong, it was a misunderstanding. But no, I wouldn't have been flattered, I'd have been confused and worried.

Perfectly put.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/07/2023 10:48

I'd just explain that in their culture that's the respectful and customary way to behave. I don't see why it need cause a rift, maybe it needs pointing out that they came to only wish the happy couple well and they gave them a gift! How can that be wrong? I think that's lovely.
If the new in-laws have an issue with that, it speaks badly of them, not your lovely PiL.

FarmGirl78 · 31/07/2023 11:06

Turning up at the church - no issue. Trying to wangle an invite - not ok, regardless of whether they knew it was no children or not.

Surely you have to admit that trying to wangle an invite is a bit CF? Especially with Neice in tow. From the Bride's point of view she's being asked on the day to squeeze in 2 adults who are no relation of hers, and her new husband's sister's husband's sibling's Daughter. Who is a child, which she specifically said she didn't want at her Wedding.

Your in laws might have good hearts and be lovely sweet people who'd never want to upset anyone let alone show malice, but from the Bride's point of view they're cheeky fuckers. I can totally understand her being annoyed they seemingly attempted to gatecrash.

I don't think they need to feel guilty or bad, but I think you yourself need to understand how CF gatecrashy they came across to your Sister in law.

FarmGirl78 · 31/07/2023 11:09

Oh bollocks. That'll teach me to re-read and read again before I post! 🤦🏻‍♀️ They didn't actually try to blag an invite did they? So sorry!! Ignore everything I've just said apart from the bit where I said they didn't need to feel bad!

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 11:09

FarmGirl78 · 31/07/2023 11:06

Turning up at the church - no issue. Trying to wangle an invite - not ok, regardless of whether they knew it was no children or not.

Surely you have to admit that trying to wangle an invite is a bit CF? Especially with Neice in tow. From the Bride's point of view she's being asked on the day to squeeze in 2 adults who are no relation of hers, and her new husband's sister's husband's sibling's Daughter. Who is a child, which she specifically said she didn't want at her Wedding.

Your in laws might have good hearts and be lovely sweet people who'd never want to upset anyone let alone show malice, but from the Bride's point of view they're cheeky fuckers. I can totally understand her being annoyed they seemingly attempted to gatecrash.

I don't think they need to feel guilty or bad, but I think you yourself need to understand how CF gatecrashy they came across to your Sister in law.

They weren't trying to wangle an invitation though.

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 11:09

Cross post Grin

FarmGirl78 · 31/07/2023 11:10

JenniferBarkley · 31/07/2023 11:09

They weren't trying to wangle an invitation though.

Show quote history

I beat you to it! 😅

rainbowstardrops · 31/07/2023 11:25

Firstly, your in-laws sound lovely. And generous!
Your SIL sounds absolutely batshit! Wasn't she so caught up in the thrill of her wedding day? Instead she chose to snarl at you for a member of your family being kind and generous?! Incredible!
Like others have said, any Tom, Dick or Harry can go into a church and if she wanted it to be totally private then she should have booked a private venue.
Blimey, can you imagine what she might be like if she ever has children!!!!

laidbacklife · 31/07/2023 11:31

How can they be bothered by other people being in public space? If they didn’t want to see other members of the public during the ceremony then they should have paid for a private venue.
Your in-laws didn’t attend the part that required an invitation. And your DB and DSil weren’t so bothered as to not accept the kind financial gift from your in-laws. That speaks volumes about them I’m afraid.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 31/07/2023 11:39

"It's her wedding, she has every right to be annoyed, how dare others ignore her wishes just so they can do what they want. Very rude indeed."

What an incredibly ignorant thing to say! Church services of Christian denominations, at least, are open to anyone who wants to attend them. The bridezilla has no right to dictate who witnesses her church wedding, and to be so rude to/about people who kindly gave the wedding couple a generous gift is beyond the pale.

eggandonion · 31/07/2023 11:55

If she ever has children the nice mil will present her with a card and beautiful hand-knitted cardigan.

Original poster
RozDoylessister · 31/07/2023 11:56

Oh my God! I was still in bed half an hour ago. I am stunned by how many responses there are.

My in-laws don’t have a bad bone in their bodies, they would give you the shirts off their backs.

I appreciate totally some are not familiar with the tradition of coming to services as a mark of respect.

They most certainly didn’t intrude; we didn’t know that they were there until we were outside.

While FiL always wears a suit for mass nobody could have thought that they were trying to get a free meal at the reception. Brother shook hands with him introduced SiL and popped card in his own pocket. Brother told me about money FiL didn’t say anything.

My DH thinks SiL might mention it when we see them again. We are all going to say that they meant no harm and they regard what they did as respectful.

There were several strangers outside the church in rain macs who cheered her as she got into the car. She seemed to like this.

She is quite friendly if a little self absorbed, she has lots of cousins and friends and they have great social life consisting mostly of going to weddings at home and abroad. She has always been nice to my gran and parents but she actually beared her teeth to my mum on Saturday. We are hoping she will have forgotten all this when they get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozDoylessister · 31/07/2023 11:58

Oh my God she does crotchet blankets for random babies including my eldest daughter’s TA.

OP posts:
Glitterblue · 31/07/2023 12:07

I think your in-laws sound absolutely lovely and it makes such a refreshing change on here to see someone who actually loves their in-laws. They sound so generous and kind and family orientated. If that had been our family, they’d have been invited to the wedding. We invited my brother’s in-laws.

Your new SIL sounds like an ungrateful witch. Anyone can turn up to the Church part, it was lovely that they cared enough to do it AND gave a very generous gift! I do hope she doesn’t go on to cause problems at family occasions etc. I see drama ahead I’m afraid.

Bearcheek · 31/07/2023 12:08

Your brother and SIL sound emotionally immature. There will be a grudge if they want hold a grudge. Perhaps try not to fan the flames by giving too much attention to this topic as a family, because I suspect SIL is enjoying this drama on some level.

eggandonion · 31/07/2023 12:08

My daughter asked me to knit a cardi for a colleagues baby because she likes crafty stuff. Daughter got engaged recently and I am sure my dils family will send her a card.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 31/07/2023 12:11

What on earth is your sister in law so upset for???

Churches are public places and anyone can attend a wedding service.
I had half of the community come to my wedding to wish us well. People: Such as grandparents friends etc. my sister in laws boyfriends parents turned up. Our friends parents turned up at the church!
It was lovely to know so many people were thinking about us on our wedding day!

They turned up and gave them a card with money for your brother and sister in law!
That is so kind of them!
I think you need a chat with your brother and sister in law! They have behaved terribly! Very rude!

LadyBird1973 · 31/07/2023 12:43

If you are feeling charitable you could put dil's behaviour down to being a stressed out bride. But shut her down asap if she doesn't get a grip soon and bangs on about this again!

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 13:08

I wasn't even aware that my mum's neighbours came to watch me get married. They slipped in quietly at the back, and slipped away unobtrusively and quietly afterwards.

Do brides really look round the church at everyone?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 31/07/2023 14:15

RozDoylessister · 31/07/2023 11:58

Oh my God she does crotchet blankets for random babies including my eldest daughter’s TA.

If she’s usually lovely / there are no other issues, you could chalk it up to inexperience and a lot of stress and just not speak of it again.

unless she bring it up…

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 31/07/2023 14:15

*brings it up 😅

Original poster
RozDoylessister · 31/07/2023 14:21

It’s MiL who does the crocheting not my SiL.

OP posts:
Callyem · 31/07/2023 14:32

If SiL raises it in front of you, I would firmly put her in her place. Such ungraciousness for what was a kind and respectful gesture on the part of your ILs. I hope they themselves haven't caught wind of the hoo haa it seems to have caused.

rainbowstardrops · 31/07/2023 14:49

If your SIL or brother says anything negative when they get back then bloody shut them down and tell them not to be so ungrateful!

Teenagehorrorbag · 31/07/2023 15:24

I really hope your brother is going to send your ILs a thank you note for the money?