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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
eggandonion · 31/07/2023 15:56

I think your mil sounds lovely. Blankets and all!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/07/2023 17:02

Callyem · 31/07/2023 14:32

If SiL raises it in front of you, I would firmly put her in her place. Such ungraciousness for what was a kind and respectful gesture on the part of your ILs. I hope they themselves haven't caught wind of the hoo haa it seems to have caused.

Absolutely this.

honeyrider · 31/07/2023 18:59

If your SIL or brother bring it up again you need to firmly shut it down and inform them anyone is entitled to observe a wedding if it's in a church including children. Don't apologise for your inlaws being there because they haven't done anything wrong.

billy1966 · 31/07/2023 19:59

Callyem · 31/07/2023 14:32

If SiL raises it in front of you, I would firmly put her in her place. Such ungraciousness for what was a kind and respectful gesture on the part of your ILs. I hope they themselves haven't caught wind of the hoo haa it seems to have caused.

This.

Hard stare, no apology, with distaste for them written across your face.

WasJuliaRight · 31/07/2023 20:18

sandgrown · 31/07/2023 07:09

We have often gone to the church to see a work colleague get married . We never expected an invite to the wedding breakfast but wanted to see them get married . We would have chatted for weeks before about the wedding preparations. Totally normal where I grew up in Yorkshire .

A group of about 10 came from the office I worked in to the church when I got married. I thought it was really nice of them.

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 20:35

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:22

You had people you didn’t invite turn up at your wedding?

Show quote history

Yes, half the bloody street and most of my mums work friends.

They sat at the back they never came to the day reception but were invited to the evening.

eggandonion · 31/07/2023 21:35

Did they give you a few quid in an envelope? Back in the day neighbours and random friends of the family gave me towels and pressure cookers and other goodies!

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 22:51

eggandonion · 31/07/2023 21:35

Did they give you a few quid in an envelope? Back in the day neighbours and random friends of the family gave me towels and pressure cookers and other goodies!

Loads of MIL's friends gave us wedding gifts even though we hadn't even invited them to the wedding. We had gone to stay with her a couple of weeks after we married and went and visited a load of neighbours one Sunday morning. Everyone plied us with sherry and gifts. We came back to MIL's house late for lunch laden with gifts and barely able to walk. Happy days.

TetherMetherPip · 31/07/2023 23:01

in my family your in laws would have been invited to the wedding…forget it being rude to turn up, it definitely isn’t!

Lozois99 · 01/08/2023 11:40

Your SIL sounds awful. If she wanted a wedding with exclusive access she shouldnt have had it in a church. Traditionally church weddings are often attended by neighbours and random well wishers. They arent inviting themselves to the reception or anything, its just how it is.. And if they didnt know the no kids thing then why wouldnt they bring an impeccably behaved 10 year old. Someone needs to have a firm word with SIL

SerafinasGoose · 01/08/2023 11:51

I'm unsure as to why your SiL assumed you were responsible for the behaviour of your in-laws.

Why did she take this up with you, and not them?

Birdienumnumm · 01/08/2023 16:27

People are becoming less and less aware of church etiquette as people are becoming less and less religious. I'm not disputing that it apparently is the done thing, but still, it's not hard to understand how it might come across if you didn't know that

If I wasn’t religious, didn’t go to church and didn’t know their customs, and decided to get married in a church despite that, I’d make sure I listened when people explained the customs to me, and I wouldn’t get in a strop when it was explained to me why people came to a public church event. It’s ignorant and arrogant.

triballeader · 01/08/2023 17:42

I have only ever worked at one occasional church service, think baptisms, marriages and funerals where the public HAD to each have special tickets and no one was allowed in or out without. That was under the very strong advice of both the bishop and the police.

In all but the rarest of very special cases occasional services count as a service open to the public. In most cases it will be neighbours, wider friends and more distant relatives who come to join for the actual church service and in the case of a marriage leave having wished the newly weds their blessing.

If you do not want the public there book a private venue.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 01/08/2023 18:01

I remember this being a ‘thing’ as a kid in our village. If a neighbour/acquaintance was getting married we would go along to sit at the back of the church or wait outside and throw confetti. It was a nice thing to do. In fact when I married 15 years ago some old colleagues I’d stayed in touch with asked if they could do the same at my wedding. I was delighted and touched that they wanted to come and wish me well. I wonder if your SIL is feeling ‘shown up’ at the fact they weren’t invited as guests? Has anyone explained to your brother or SIL that this is a tradition for some people?

Olderbutt · 01/08/2023 18:14

Tbh I think your new sister in law sounds like a nightmare! If she's that upset over this she needs to give her her head a serious wobble! How about the generous gift you PIL gave them? Is she going to give it back? When I arrived at Church for my 2nd marriage I saw the extra chairs being hastily put out. That meant far more than 200 people were there. I just thought Wow how lovely.

PoppyTries · 01/08/2023 18:31

CapEBarra · 31/07/2023 05:06

Churches are public and community venues and you can’t ban people from attending. It’s perfectly normal and anyone can wander in off the streets to watch weddings/funerals/christenings. It’s not uncommon to see parishioners, well wishers, neighbours, friends, and complete strangers sitting amongst invited guests. For religious people it’s a way of witnessing, celebrating, and supporting those in the community who are taking a sacrament. If your SIL and DB were church goers they would know this. Your in laws have done nothing wrong. They wouldn’t have been expecting an invitation, other kids were there, and they were generous and kind to give a gift.

Exactly this. One of my dearest friends married in a beautiful old church in a large city. The priest reminded everyone that the public was welcome and would be permitted to enter - the only concession was that ushers were placed near the outer doors to advise tourists / looky-loos that a ceremony was in progress. There is a group of about a dozen homeless people who attend the weddings and the goal is apparently to get them to compliment your wedding, since they see all of them.

Restinggoddess · 01/08/2023 18:41

Anyone can attend a wedding ceremony- it’s why the bans are read, so traditionally everyone knows
That your in laws thought to give a gift - shows what decent people they are

As for the bride and groom - what a piece of work they are. I wouldn’t worry about a rift - they clearly have no class what so ever

sequin2000 · 01/08/2023 18:52

I'm gobsmacked reading this and some of the responses. I had no idea that people would not welcome people coming to the church to see the wedding and to pray for the happiness of the couple. I'm Catholic and in England and it is very much the done thing at both weddings and indeed funerals, no invite required.

Completelydonechick · 01/08/2023 18:53

What a lovely thing to do! Turn up at the church with money in a card and no expectations of attending the reception which costs money per head!!! No drama, just polite and respectful! Why do people seek out the need to be spiteful 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pogue4Life · 01/08/2023 18:55

You SIL is crazy anyone can bloody turn up at a church and wait for the bride/groom/wedding party to come out.
I remember doing it with my mum and Nan at the church around the corner from my nans house. Hadn’t a clue who these people were but it was nice to watch at a young age

Bugbabe1970 · 01/08/2023 18:57

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 01:19

Can I jus clarify, your in laws turned up to your brothers wedding? Someone they aren’t actually related to? If my sister in laws parents had randomly turned up at my wedding with a child in tow at my child free wedding I would have been irritated.

Anyone can attend a wedding in a church!

Just to add it's not just an Irish Catholic thing. It's common place in all cultures. I had a load of village randomers at my wedding
It was lovely

TinyTeacher · 01/08/2023 19:00

Church weddings are OPEN. Anyone can attend.

At my wedding (11 years ago) I had invited several school friends who I had stayed in contact with. I thought it was lovely that their mums came and say at the back of the church for the ceremony. A few others came too - my mum's old next door neighbour (who knew the organist), and some others who knew me when I was small.

SuchiRolls · 01/08/2023 19:02

I can not fathom for one second how given all the hype of the day itself, that they even registered who was and wasn’t there until after and even then..how up yourself do you have to be to not see the gesture for the genuine celebration of your union, that it is?! I’m honestly baffled that your SIL and her parents can see this as anything other than supportive? It’s just the church for goodness sakes 🤦🏻‍♀️ Not like they rocked up with a boom box playing reggae music and running it, is it. Honestly can’t understand how some people actually make time to make trouble for themselves. Steer clear at all costs!

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/08/2023 19:03

Loads of regular church goers who weren’t invited were at my wedding I knew they’d be there but wouldn’t have minded if I hadn’t known sort of thing. Personally I think it’s a lovely thing of your ILs to do & your SiL may be slightly bridezilla/controlling!

JenWillsiam · 01/08/2023 19:03

Bugbabe1970 · 01/08/2023 18:57

Anyone can attend a wedding in a church!

Just to add it's not just an Irish Catholic thing. It's common place in all cultures. I had a load of village randomers at my wedding
It was lovely

Show quote history

They weren’t village randomers who I assume were parishioners. Not the same 🙄