My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

[Isthisrea]

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

I am in the same situation (don't love my ILs) and my DH is taking DCs on holiday with them without me. I can't wait to have a house to myself for a week!
Christmas and Easter together with DH's family members is quite enough for me.

As you clearly dislike then why should they have you ruin their holiday? They're allowed negative opinions of you too!

I spend a lot of time with my mum and kids without DH and so does my DH with his family.

I wouldn't stop them going just because you can't.

But you've limited contact

I expect to be invited, as I think it’s rude to not be asked.

OP, you are being unnecessarily spiky and high maintenance here.

You routinely avoid visits to your ILs because you find your MIL ‘overbearing’ . Your choice, you keep contact to the minimum, which they probably find very rude.

You don’t like them, it is a few days in a caravan, which your DH doubtless let them know you weren’t available to go for anyway.

Why on earth should your DH and children miss out? They will be with their father, and grandparents who presumably love and care for them however overbearing you find MIL.

You are being difficult, PrincessC, and looking for a reason to take offence with them.

She's made it clear she doesn't like them and gone low contact despite originally moving to be near them.

You can't expect there to be no consequences to that.

They're expected to suck that up for the sake of family unity when she hasn't felt able to do the same - pretend, get along,

And they asked her dh first before booking anything so no I don't think all the anger is being directed to the right place at all.

Presumably (as OP barely visits or speaks to them) it was her DH who was asked about availability and said "Isthisrea is working in Saturday, and she didn't have any holiday left, so she won't be able to make it"

It's not obligatory for the in-laws who she avoids, to still contact her to ask again, even thigh they have the information.

OP, you seem to want it all ways. You expect your DH to give up most of his holiday to visit your parents, but to turn down a long weekend with his because you're working.
You don't want to spend time with your in-laws and do all you can to avoid them, yet now you want to because it's a weekend away*
Also in the OP you feel you have no holiday left, then suddenly you do.

• seriously, if you dislike your in-laws and your MIL is overbearing, then the last place you want to share with them is a static caravan. Even for four people who like each other, they're cramped..

I would be looking forward to a bit of peace over that weekend and planning to watch a good film on TV or trash TV whatever appeals on Saturday night and eat what I want in front of it with no judgement followed by a good nights sleep and a lovely lie in on the Sunday morning while they’re all crammed into a caravan.

You’d be unhappy either way. If you were invited and free to go you’d probably say no, and prevent your partner and dc a holiday. You’re not invited, still unhappy.

You’re complaining about not being invited on a trip you wouldn’t want to go on? I’d be rejoicing in my good luck at having a couple of child free days and the house to myself!
Be careful what you wish for OP!

I do think you should have been invited - unless the situation between you is so tense that it's just not a good idea. Are things going to get thrown? Are heated arguments likely? Will there be sniping and unpleasantness all weekend? If yes to any of those, or if past history shows it's happened, I can understand why they aren't inviting you. If you can be cooly civil, then I'd think it ideal you were invited as you are a family unit.

There's no real right or wrong, just what you and your partner are both comfortable with. If either of you isn't comfortable with the separated holiday, then it shouldn't happen. Maybe you can look forward to a weekend to yourself though?

Mixed feelings.

I would be mildly annoyed that they hadn’t spoken to me about it but at the same time relieved that I didn’t have to go and that I could enjoy some alone time at home

Here just being honest.

Caravan holiday when you're on basic civil terms is a bad idea. 4 days of solid rain and you're stuck on a tin can together. They know this so didn't ask you.

If they'd worked it for when you were free, you'd presumably have said absolutely, I Def want to go? And then been on MN every day moaning about your relationship and how it's affecting your marriage.

Despite the friction between you and them they have a relationship with your husband and children.

Why deny them family time together?

You are working and when you're at home you're having a nice break from swing to the children etc.

I would be mildly annoyed that they hadn’t spoken to me about it

This is what happens when people go low contact though.
OP has chosen not to visit her in-laws with her husband and children, so consequently she's not present when conversations are had. It seems they spoke to their son about this last minute opportunity, he said OP wouldn't be able to go because of work. Why would they then call her? Are men not to be trusted with information?

Given how late notice this is, it doesn't seem like something that could be rescheduled for OP. Statics are booked up way, way in advance for August. Sounds more like a last minute offer from someone they know who owns one and isn't using it this weekend.

If you'd been invited you'd be on here complaining that you were trapped in a caravan with your despised mil. Or that they expected you to use some precious annual leave. Or that they had no consideration for the fact that you work Saturdays.

If I were the in laws I'd try to make things better by at least inviting the mother of my grandchildren.

I'd hope I would have empathy to realise she's left her family in adufferent country and perhaps she would like to be asked to participate in his family holidays.

I don't think there should be 'punished ' for trying to keep things civil.

Be honest, if a family member organised something and just didn't invite you, would you not be a little hurt?

Exactly, unless there is the likelihood of violence or something, inviting is one way to show you respect the family unit. In OP's place, barring something completely unforgivable having happened in the past, I'd make the effort to go. Being together might help us make inroads into relationship building.

Now if you can’t/ don’t want to go or don’t want your kids to go- should be your decision.

And what about the children's father 's opinion?
I don't see the issue. The children and their father regularly see OPs in-laws without OP as she doesn't like them and has limited contact. OP wouldn't want to go on holiday with them and can't anyway. Why would in-laws invite her. They know she doesn't like spending time with them. The father does want to go on holiday and presumably so do the children. Why should OP veto her husband and children spending time with close members of their family?

Aside from the are they close, would she want to go, does she have annual leave, etc: it's just plain rude really isn't it?

OP I would be using this as an opportunity to start a conversation about moving.

1. It's not your country or area
2. You describe it as a small town that's not particularly welcoming to foreigners
3. Literally your only reason for living there is your ILs, and they've made it clear they like to cut you out

Why don't you move back to London, a different part of the country, or your own country for a bit?

@Seaside3 She probably was invited. But as she didn't visit them with her DH, the invitation was given verbally to him. I doubt MIL said "you and the children are welcome to come, but we're not inviting isthisrea"

MNers are constantly advocating going LC, but this is the downside. An invitation was made to OP's family, but she wasn't there to hear it or to involve herself in the conversation.
Given that she avoids them, they're not obliged to jump through hoops to speak to her about it separately.

Thanks @WannaBeRecluse . I'm at how few people are seeing it as a lost opportunity from the in-laws.

Even if they had said something like 'we know you're stuck for holiday time, so we would love to take the gcs away for a few days. Would you like to join us/ mind ?' Then a lot if this could have been avoided.

Seems few people understand communication and diplomacy.

My dh is foreign and I have lived abroad relatively near to dh’s family so I can understand what you’re saying to a degree.

What isn’t clear to me are the circumstances under which you’ve been left out. As it was a last minute booking, it’s likely that there were few if any options for booking at a time, when everyone is free, especially if school aged children are involved (do your in laws have kids and are they older?

Perhaps the date was a fait accompli and your in laws asked ‘can you come with the kids’ to which your dp may have said ‘I am around but rea is not’.

And lastly, this isn’t really a holiday. It’s a weekend break away. If you aren’t ready or are nervous of being separated from your kids, I think it’s one thing but I would try to reframe this from the family’s perspective that they may well not have done anything wrong and may not have actually intentionally excluded you.

If you want to build better relations in the future, it’s going to take time and effort on your part. You are living in their country and people, who haven’t benefited from living abroad, especially if they’ve not moved much within their own country, will likely struggle to ‘get’ what it is to feel like an outsider.

Isn't it your partner you should be talking to about this? Did he just announce that he was going on this family holiday without you, but taking the kids?
Or did he say they've been invited, is that ok with you? Because if he just told you it was happening, he's the one I'd be angry at. He's living close to his family, seeing them all the time, going on holiday to see your family while you are living in a foreign country, being excluded. Does he have your back, OP?