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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 31/07/2023 21:32

A few points:

  1. Going to see your parents is not a 'holiday', it's a 'duty visit' for at least your DP if not for you and the DC. At some point it will probably start being a duty visit for your DC as well, they will see their friends having lots of holidays to exciting places and they'll be going to 'Mum's home country' yet again.

  2. Even though you have to use up a significant chunk of annual leave to see your family it's a good idea to keep some annual leave just for a nuclear family holiday each year.

  3. Your DP's parents live close enough to see their DS and GC every week, they should not also then demand to use up your DP's annual leave allowance. They are already the grandparents who see their GC the most.

  4. Parents of young children should not book annual leave without consulting with their co-parent.

In summary you have a DP problem, he should not have said yes without checking with you.

Original poster
Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 21:32

DeliaOwens · 31/07/2023 21:11

OP, I think, for your own peace of mind, you need to reframe your thought process.

Being civil to each other and actually enjoying each other's company are not in the same league. Think of this as YOUR gift to your children. They get a break with grandparents and "unfortunately" you can't go because of work. But spell out to them that they will have an amazing time etc etc.

while they are way, do some nice things for yourself. Get your favourite takeaway or, go do something special for yourself (nails, facial, book reading...whatever floats your boat). Remember...when they go low, we go high!

Take control of the narrative yourself. Make it your decision, not one that was forced upon you. The power of positive thinking can work wonders.

❤️

OP posts:
Manthide · 31/07/2023 21:52

I think you are being unreasonable. Caravans are not large and everyone is confined to a small living area. It works best if you like the people who are sharing your space. Dh's parents will not be there for ever and I think it's healthy for them to spend time away with their grandchildren - and with their ds on hand as your dc are young. I don't have any problems with my SILs but I think I would find it more enjoyable spending time with my dd and her ds.

NeedToChangeName · 31/07/2023 22:03

You don't like them

You have no annual leave left

I suspect you wanted to be invited so you could turn it down

YABU

Crazycrazylady · 31/07/2023 22:24

Op.
I think in the cold light of day you will see that this is two days away kn a weekend when you're working anyway. I think going lc means it is likely that you will miss out on stuff and this incident has really shone a Sense of what this might look light going forward . You're lonely and while in the full of your happiness this probably wouldn't register as a big deal when you're feeling a little low, it's has amplified.
Couple of things

  1. is it likely the relationship with his family can be repaired. Is there any appetite to do that on either both sides.
  2. it's important that you cultivate your own friends outside his family so you don't feel so reliant on them.

Remember op. Caravan holidays with people we get on well are hard! Small spaces , thin walls etc. caravan holidays with people you don't gel with anyway would be hell!

NancyJoan · 31/07/2023 22:48

i have to say I really struggle to understand people who say that due to LC I should expect to not be included. As explained LC comes down to not going out for coffee, etc. and DP spending time with MIL and FIL and our children without me present whenever possible, as it feels that it will be more relaxing for them. A family holiday/ weekend certainly feels like a step too far.

OP, this is silly. You are LC to the point of avoiding seeing them where possible. You clearly don’t like them, and feel that they don’t like you. How on Earth could you enjoy, or even countenance, a caravan break with them?

Isthisasgoodasitis · 31/07/2023 22:50

No I would be uncomfortable with my children in a strange place without me, but I live in an area where 6 children under 10 have died on holiday this year so far 😢

saraclara · 31/07/2023 22:59

Isthisasgoodasitis · 31/07/2023 22:50

No I would be uncomfortable with my children in a strange place without me, but I live in an area where 6 children under 10 have died on holiday this year so far 😢

Do your children not have a father, or do you not trust him to keep them safe?

JudgeJ · 31/07/2023 23:01

Isthisasgoodasitis · 31/07/2023 22:50

No I would be uncomfortable with my children in a strange place without me, but I live in an area where 6 children under 10 have died on holiday this year so far 😢

What makes you so special that nothing tragic would happen if you were there? Your children will be with your partner, who you concede is perfectly capable of looking after them, and his family who will also be there for them.

WhateverMate · 31/07/2023 23:24

Isthisasgoodasitis · 31/07/2023 22:50

No I would be uncomfortable with my children in a strange place without me, but I live in an area where 6 children under 10 have died on holiday this year so far 😢

As awful as that is, what do you think you could do to prevent it that the kid's dad, nan, grandad, aunt and aunt's partner couldn't?

electriclight · 01/08/2023 05:32

Having read your updates, I think it is clear that you are upset because this has confirmed that they don't like you, when actually you just want them to accept you.

Unfortunately, going lc was always going to send them a very clear message that was only going to widen the gap.

Even now you are thinking the worst of them when you don't seem to know what happened in the conversation between your in laws and your dp. Is it possible you were invited but dp said you were working and couldn't make it? Did he make your excuses because he knew you wouldn't want to spend a weekend with them?

Talk to your dp and find out what the lie of the land is before getting so upset.

BlastedIce · 01/08/2023 06:01

Isthisasgoodasitis · 31/07/2023 22:50

No I would be uncomfortable with my children in a strange place without me, but I live in an area where 6 children under 10 have died on holiday this year so far 😢

How are you going to be able to save them more than others? You need to address this because that type of anxiety is going to make your children anxious.

Yea2023 · 01/08/2023 07:27

OP you keep skirting around the DH issue.

Both my DH and I would be miffed if we were presented with something like this as a done deal.

We wouldn’t stop the other from going but I KNOW my DH would have said ‘let me speak with Lea’ and I do the same. We may have discussed separate caravan and me coming later.

IMO there’s no issue re your IL’s, they have every right to present an invitation but it’s for DH to assess and communicate with you about the detail.

Things like finances, most ppl here would go nuts if you were skint and he signed up to a hol (travel/food/entertainment cost) without a discussion.

SpiralBirdWhizz · 01/08/2023 08:01

It's only a problem if you make it a problem.

You don't like them so you would have a rubbish time anyway, and it's only a weekend. Not like you have been excluded from a two week break in a five star resort, its a weekend in a caravan and it will probably rain!

Sounds to me like you are a winner here!

Over the years my husband and I often did short breaks with respective parents that did not include the partner, it was fine. Sometimes it's nice to reconnect with a parent without a spare wheel hanging around even if that spare wheel is the love of your life. These breaks did not involve permission either so I disagree that it's a partner issue. From your posts it's clear the relationship is at best civil. It would have been awful if he committed that you would attend, but he actually just organised a free pass for you.

Take the win. You will be working one day of the weekend but on the other perhaps seize the opportunity to do something you wouldn't normally get the chance to do when the family is around.

Busybusybee96 · 01/08/2023 09:01

I agree with you. Personally if my husband and children were invited and I wasn't, he'd be more than welcome to go but my children will stay home with me. If I couldn't go because I had no holidays left that would be different as long as I was invited but no one is going to go out their way to make it obvious they don't like me and try to spite me and still be trusted around my children.

All the MILs coming out to call you selfish 😂 No it's not. Why do people think they can be disrespectful to the mother of a child and still think they're entitled to their children? You're half the reason they have them grandchildren and they're going to go out their way to leave you out..and this is what mum's are expected to put up with 😳 People go on about how dad's have a hard time but christ mums get some stick too 😂

Yes your husband came along with you to see your family, but he was invited and made feel welcome and isn't made uncomfortable by overbearing MIL that's the difference.

Rooroo42 · 01/08/2023 09:10

I think as you have limited contact with them but husband and children don’t then it’s perfectly reasonable for them to plan a holiday and not ask you to join them - especially given your husband will know you have no leave left to take. It was presumably your decision to limit contact, it must be a difficult position for your husband to be because his family unit will also contain his mum. Perhaps if you want to do family holidays with them in future chat with MIL and see if your can reconcile/settle your differences and both make an effort to get on together. Your husband must make an effort with your family if he uses his annual leave to visit them. It’s one of those situations where you can’t have it both ways, I wouldn’t expect and invite from someone I have made it clear I don’t want to see. But that doesn’t mean your decision to distance yourself should impact on your husbands or children’s relationships with that side of the family

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2023 09:16

Apologies if I've missed this but I've asked it and so have other posters, how did the actual conversation go between your partner and his parents? I think that would be the deciding factor in whether they've been rude or not and whether you're being unreasonable or not @Isthisrea

DinnaeFashYersel · 01/08/2023 09:20

Honestly under the circumstances it's fine and you are overreacting.

You don't like each other
You've limited contact
You've no leave left and are working
Dad is going
The children know their GPS well

You wouldn't want to go if you could.

Look forward to having me time and the house to yourself.

Noodles1234 · 01/08/2023 15:20

Your DH will be fine, I would also see as a win win as you won’t really want to be there, the kids (who let’s face it this holiday is all about), will love it and enjoy being with family. You don’t get along well with each other so you can catch up with friends, watch movies you want to at home and enjoy yourself!

plumpynoo · 01/08/2023 18:20

I may be going against the grain here, but I wouldn't want my kids away from me with family members I didn't like when they are under 5.
What is the reason you dislike them? The reason why I dislike my MIL is because she has different values from me, doesn't correct or encourages poor behaviour and has no boundaries around food or potentially risky situations. There is no way my kids are around that without me! As for people saying that they will be with their father, it is likely that he has been conditioned by his family to accept all of the above, because "it's just mum". So no, I do not think you are being unreasonable.

jo19 · 01/08/2023 18:34

Why? So you can decline the offer and cause more upset and awkwardness

BlastedIce · 01/08/2023 18:34

plumpynoo · 01/08/2023 18:20

I may be going against the grain here, but I wouldn't want my kids away from me with family members I didn't like when they are under 5.
What is the reason you dislike them? The reason why I dislike my MIL is because she has different values from me, doesn't correct or encourages poor behaviour and has no boundaries around food or potentially risky situations. There is no way my kids are around that without me! As for people saying that they will be with their father, it is likely that he has been conditioned by his family to accept all of the above, because "it's just mum". So no, I do not think you are being unreasonable.

Is your DH not capable of ensuring that his DC are behaving and correcting them?

if not, why not?

Mesoavocado · 01/08/2023 18:42

This Friday I go on holiday with my family and child and not husband for the sixth year in a row.

He has one week leave alone with our son that he can chose to do what he likes and I chose in my leave to go away with my family (we also have a week away together).

With 13 weeks of school holidays to cover we can only have one week together so why would I not arrange a holiday with others during my leave?

MumoftwoGirls11 · 01/08/2023 19:20

They should have asked you if it’s ok for them to go on a holiday with the kids and your DP. They could have made the effort to accommodate you, they just don’t want to. They clearly don’t respect you and sadly DP too doesn’t seem to realise this.

Original poster
Isthisrea · 01/08/2023 19:26

Hi again,
There were multiple vague conversations about a caravan Holliday on several occasions. A while ago one was booked for MIL, FIL, SIL and her partner in September. DP says that “we” were invited to it, but he declined as our eldest will be starting school then. My DP apparently said that “we” might be interested in going if it was earlier in the summer.
I believe it was communicated that I’ve used up my annual leave (I’ve built up TOIL, which I can use, but would need to give more notice). So after being shown some caravans DP said that they looked nice ( not realising that this means he is committed to going )and a couple of hours after that he got a call to say it was all booked. The latest news is that it has now been cancelled and replaced with 2 day trips instead. I will be tagging along on the Sunday one😳( hopefully MiL and SIL haven’t laid eyes on this thread😃😃😃)

I don’t think I’m being selfish, but I think I was overeating and merging multiple problems into one.

It’s unlikely that things with MIL will ever be genuinely good, as our values and views are very different. I feel that we perhaps belittle each other in our minds, due to our polar opposite views on some matters ( each one believing that she is right).
I feel that she isn’t particularly impressed about me being from another country… this one is hard to explain.. there’s an endearing ignorance about foreigners (cautiously curious and relying on stereotypes).

We can talk to each other very politely about everyday things, but it will get quite intense if it was just me, her and the children. I appreciate that deep down she is a good person and loves the children.

OP posts: