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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 31/07/2023 16:00

I mean let's get real, everyone here is laying into the OP and suggesting she have a "lovely" break in the house by herself and gaslighting her by insinuating she's needy or horrible or that she's brought it on herself, but equally we see plenty of AIBU threads full of women going "Oh I could never leave my kids for a few days, I can't even bear a night apart from them".

Different people respond to different threads shocker.

electriclight · 31/07/2023 16:04

Medsy · 31/07/2023 15:23

I mean let's get real, everyone here is laying into the OP and suggesting she have a "lovely" break in the house by herself and gaslighting her by insinuating she's needy or horrible or that she's brought it on herself, but equally we see plenty of AIBU threads full of women going "Oh I could never leave my kids for a few days, I can't even bear a night apart from them".

For whatever reason this thread has got peoples backs up, possibly a lot of controlling MILs replying.

Its just insane to me that people wouldn't see that this low contact the OP has initiated was probably brought about by the familys vibe. I mean, the OP left London to go and live near them, and she wouldn't have done that if there had been a bad atmosphere with the family. So clearly something changed once the OP got to their neck of the woods.

To me it feels like this family treat OP like some kind of walking womb. "Thanks for popping out our darling boys kids and uprooting your life to live next door to us, we will now take your kids on holiday as we see fit and btw you're not invited because you dared react to our toxic behaviour by "going low contact". Now you will be punished for that". That's what this is about.

You have to wonder what sort of people don't have the generosity of spirit to tend to how the OP might be doing, their DIL and SIL, not just the kids: and yes, despite there being an edge to it, because thats the decent thing to do when theres a rift between you in a position of strength (surrounded by family) and the other person in a position of weakness. In fact you have to wonder what kind of man doesn't make this a priority too.

What's DPs stance on this OP? And as was said above, why are you still living there?

I think it's a bit of a stretch to suggest that anyone disagreeing with op must be a mil of the same ilk.

We also have no real idea why op went low contact do we. Seems like young women are always right in any sort of disagreement with their dm or mil but somehow magically morph into someone who is always wrong once they're old enough to be a dm to adults or a mil. I expect there are arsehole sils and lovely mils, just as there can be lovely sils and arsehole mils. We don't know because we're not there but looking at facts as presented by op - she chose to go no contact, she doesn't have annual leave left, her dh was asked about the holiday before anything was booked.

Butchyrestingface · 31/07/2023 16:06

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:59

I expect to be invited, as I think it’s rude to not be asked.

If you have limited your contact with his side of the family, it sounds like common sense not to invite you on holidays with them. They are simply respecting your wishes.

DinoRoar14 · 31/07/2023 19:55

Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 14:49

I’m having a break at work, so a few minutes to spare, will try to write an update later.

I feel the need to respond to you, as your message is one of the latest and rudest ones. Are you trying to be purposefully hurtful or are you lacking self awareness..Would you like it if someone told you that your family is not inviting you, because your presence will ruin their lovely holiday..

Show quote history

Get over yourself.
It's what you've put.
They don't like you (don't blame them at this point)
You don't like them

So why the hell would they want their holdoay ruined by that situation?
Are you that selfish?

Original poster
Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 19:57

So it looks like most of MNetters have said their peace. Some interesting points of view and some seriously inappropriate and hurtful ones (would you talk like this to people in real life?).

Objectively, leaving my ego aside, I agree that the children will be looked after, they are loved and would have fun, I could just let it go. However to me it feels like this is not right, as a previous poster said I’m not a walking womb. I wonder how things will develop from now on if I just pretend that all is well and I’m not bothered by this.

I have to say I really struggle to understand people who say that due to LC I should expect to not be included. As explained LC comes down to not going out for coffee, etc. and DP spending time with MIL and FIL and our children without me present whenever possible, as it feels that it will be more relaxing for them. A family holiday/ weekend certainly feels like a step too far.

Also, some posters presume that it’s my fault that the relationship between the family and myself is jeopardised. I don’t see a different way to diplomatically maintain this relationship, apart from creating some distance., whenever possible.

Finally, some questions have made me think about my situation- being in this small town, the feeling of isolation, not much understanding from DP etc. It certainly feels like it’s time for a fresh start.

OP posts:
BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 20:04

Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 19:57

So it looks like most of MNetters have said their peace. Some interesting points of view and some seriously inappropriate and hurtful ones (would you talk like this to people in real life?).

Objectively, leaving my ego aside, I agree that the children will be looked after, they are loved and would have fun, I could just let it go. However to me it feels like this is not right, as a previous poster said I’m not a walking womb. I wonder how things will develop from now on if I just pretend that all is well and I’m not bothered by this.

I have to say I really struggle to understand people who say that due to LC I should expect to not be included. As explained LC comes down to not going out for coffee, etc. and DP spending time with MIL and FIL and our children without me present whenever possible, as it feels that it will be more relaxing for them. A family holiday/ weekend certainly feels like a step too far.

Also, some posters presume that it’s my fault that the relationship between the family and myself is jeopardised. I don’t see a different way to diplomatically maintain this relationship, apart from creating some distance., whenever possible.

Finally, some questions have made me think about my situation- being in this small town, the feeling of isolation, not much understanding from DP etc. It certainly feels like it’s time for a fresh start.

So are you saying you’re going to rethink your whole relationship?

But extreme for a weekend away, really?

saraclara · 31/07/2023 20:13

Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 19:57

So it looks like most of MNetters have said their peace. Some interesting points of view and some seriously inappropriate and hurtful ones (would you talk like this to people in real life?).

Objectively, leaving my ego aside, I agree that the children will be looked after, they are loved and would have fun, I could just let it go. However to me it feels like this is not right, as a previous poster said I’m not a walking womb. I wonder how things will develop from now on if I just pretend that all is well and I’m not bothered by this.

I have to say I really struggle to understand people who say that due to LC I should expect to not be included. As explained LC comes down to not going out for coffee, etc. and DP spending time with MIL and FIL and our children without me present whenever possible, as it feels that it will be more relaxing for them. A family holiday/ weekend certainly feels like a step too far.

Also, some posters presume that it’s my fault that the relationship between the family and myself is jeopardised. I don’t see a different way to diplomatically maintain this relationship, apart from creating some distance., whenever possible.

Finally, some questions have made me think about my situation- being in this small town, the feeling of isolation, not much understanding from DP etc. It certainly feels like it’s time for a fresh start.

And you're ignoring the simpler explanation? The last minute offer of a weekend's accommodation? A conversation that you missed because you're LC (which probably did include you being invited alongside your DH and kids, but DH told them you're working as can't take the day off)

Seriously, it seems that you (and a few posters on here) are determined to put the worst possible spin on this.
And yes, it's a weekend away, not a holiday. Again, trying to make it all sound more than it is.

MichelleScarn · 31/07/2023 20:13

Re the 'walking womb' comment if that's honestly how you feel they see you, and not just because it's been MN comment, and your dh backs them on this, is there a future for you?

Original poster
Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 20:20

saraclara · 31/07/2023 20:13

And you're ignoring the simpler explanation? The last minute offer of a weekend's accommodation? A conversation that you missed because you're LC (which probably did include you being invited alongside your DH and kids, but DH told them you're working as can't take the day off)

Seriously, it seems that you (and a few posters on here) are determined to put the worst possible spin on this.
And yes, it's a weekend away, not a holiday. Again, trying to make it all sound more than it is.

Show quote history

Yes, it’s possible that the situation was created largely due to miss-communication .

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 20:21

MichelleScarn · 31/07/2023 20:13

Re the 'walking womb' comment if that's honestly how you feel they see you, and not just because it's been MN comment, and your dh backs them on this, is there a future for you?

What do you mean?

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 31/07/2023 20:22

You haven’t said what the actual conversation was between your dp and his parents.

He probably told them you wouldn’t be able to go when the idea was mooted. What would be the point of them then inviting you?
Especially as you don’t like them. It comes across as sulky.

As for your replies, I just read the whole thread in one sitting and honestly, the sulkiness comes through on here too. Only accepting the words of people who agree with you and complaining about those who don’t.

saraclara · 31/07/2023 20:24

MichelleScarn · 31/07/2023 20:13

Re the 'walking womb' comment if that's honestly how you feel they see you, and not just because it's been MN comment, and your dh backs them on this, is there a future for you?

The walking womb thing is the usual mumsnet bollocks. I've never known anyone who's thought their in-laws have seen them that way, nor have I come across grandparents who've given any indication of seeing their DIL that way.

It's like mumsnet is an entirely different universe

Loulaa1977 · 31/07/2023 20:26

If you have limited contact in order to be civil, why on earth would you want to go away with them. It surely could only end in disaster i.e. a massive row......
I get on with my in laws but definitely wouldn't want to go away with them 😆. Pretty sure my husband wouldn't either.

Let them have a weekend away together and know that you've dodged a possibly awkward/difficult weekend.

Original poster
Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 20:27

I appreciate the different points of view and accept opinions from people who disagree, but don’t see the point in the rude replies. There’s an element of sulking, I felt that it’s not the right thing to, hence making this thread looking for opinions.

OP posts:
CampervanKween · 31/07/2023 20:27

Seems a pragmatic solution to me. Book yourself something nice to do whilst they're away. The more holidays for the kids the better surely.

ohdamnitjanet · 31/07/2023 20:34

What @Fizzology said, I think it does depend on what conversation your partner has had with them, and you. Yes of course it’s bloody rude to book a holiday and not invite the children’s mother. Whether you wanted to go or not is not the point. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to stop them having a nice time but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t seethe in private. It’s a shame your partner can’t help to mend the relationship a little.

Calmdown14 · 31/07/2023 20:35

While I think some of these responses are harsh, I do agree with others that you are perhaps projecting other feelings about not fitting in onto this situation.

It might be helpful to consider this before making it into a huge issue and further rift.

You still haven't explained how the invitation was issued to your husband. If he said you were working then no one is being unreasonable.

If it's one caravan and two couples are already going your husband will be in a tiny bedroom with one of the kids. Does his sister have a child, if so that's then 8 and the largest caravan you can book.

And when I say large you are talking a room like this.

It sounds like even your husband was an add on to a trip they were doing anyway.

In terms of being away from you, they won't get in til after 3pm Friday so you should see kids in morning, you are working Saturday and they'll have to be out by 10am Monday so it's only really Sunday you are missing.

I think focusing less on whether this is a slight on you and more on 'will the kids enjoy it' will ultimately be better for everyone.

You are entitled to feel hurt, they are entitled to do a last minute holiday and book without checking everyone's diary.

It's not perfect but it's also not the hill to die on. I'd bite my lip and continue with a civil but low maintenance relationship.

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me
Noicant · 31/07/2023 20:36

I would find it awkward if I was LC with MIL and FIL invited me on their family holiday. I wouldn’t want to go and they probably wouldn’t want me there. It would be tense for everyone. I’d cheerfully wave DH and kids off tbh. I don’t think it’s rude tbh it’s quite clear you guys don’t get on and avoid each other to keep the peace. I would just see it as an extension of that.

Ragwort · 31/07/2023 20:44

Can you explain more clearly why you find this so hard? Do you genuinely want to go away with them or do want the opportunity to say 'no thanks' (and thereby deprive your DC and DH of a weekend away?).
I see this constantly in Mumsnet & in RL ... mothers seem to be want to be the sole 'organisers' of the family calendar and the DH is not allowed to make any decisions or choices of his own. I have a friend who actually said to me 'I can't bear it if my DH and DC have fun and I'm not there' Hmm.

MsSquiz · 31/07/2023 20:45

I honestly don't understand why you're sad that someone you don't like hasn't invited you on holiday with them?

I dislike some of my in laws so when we're invited somewhere with them, I politely make my excuses and encourage DH to take our children to spend time with his family.

DH and kids have a lovely time, I enjoy the peace and quiet of whatever I choose to do! Win/Win

saraclara · 31/07/2023 20:47

ohdamnitjanet · 31/07/2023 20:34

What @Fizzology said, I think it does depend on what conversation your partner has had with them, and you. Yes of course it’s bloody rude to book a holiday and not invite the children’s mother. Whether you wanted to go or not is not the point. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to stop them having a nice time but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t seethe in private. It’s a shame your partner can’t help to mend the relationship a little.

There's no reason to think that OP wasn't invited. All we know is that she can't go because she's working.

I still think that it's more likely that the chieftain went along the lines of:

MIL: we can have a caravan at (destination) next weekend. I've invited (sibling and partner) to join us. Would you, isthis and the kids like to come?

DH: that'd be great, but isthis has to work on the Saturday, and I know she doesn't have any holiday left, so she won't be able to make it. The kids and I could come though, if it's just a weekend

saraclara · 31/07/2023 20:48

Chieftain? Conversation!

nonmerci99 · 31/07/2023 21:06

Fizzology · 30/07/2023 23:32

You're getting the Ugly Mumsnet combative replies in a pile-on. Ignore.

Obviously no one should be booking a holiday for your partner and dc without making an attempt to include you.

This is a dp problem, though, as he went along with it.

They are working hard to divide and conquer your family. DP is helping them.

It's not nice.

Completely agree with this. There are some incredibly petty and spiteful comments on here. YANBU to want to be included. They are your children, and you do not need to like your in-laws to go on the occasional family holiday with them.

DeliaOwens · 31/07/2023 21:11

OP, I think, for your own peace of mind, you need to reframe your thought process.

Being civil to each other and actually enjoying each other's company are not in the same league. Think of this as YOUR gift to your children. They get a break with grandparents and "unfortunately" you can't go because of work. But spell out to them that they will have an amazing time etc etc.

while they are way, do some nice things for yourself. Get your favourite takeaway or, go do something special for yourself (nails, facial, book reading...whatever floats your boat). Remember...when they go low, we go high!

Take control of the narrative yourself. Make it your decision, not one that was forced upon you. The power of positive thinking can work wonders.

Original poster
Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 21:28

Ragwort · 31/07/2023 20:44

Can you explain more clearly why you find this so hard? Do you genuinely want to go away with them or do want the opportunity to say 'no thanks' (and thereby deprive your DC and DH of a weekend away?).
I see this constantly in Mumsnet & in RL ... mothers seem to be want to be the sole 'organisers' of the family calendar and the DH is not allowed to make any decisions or choices of his own. I have a friend who actually said to me 'I can't bear it if my DH and DC have fun and I'm not there' Hmm.

Good question, I suppose as previous posters have suggested I’m projecting my inner feelings of not fitting within the town and family and focusing them on this particular trip like a magnifying lens, when the majority of issues are down to lack of clear communication. Trying to keep contact as minimal as possible has been my coping mechanism, but clearly that’s a temporary measure widening the gap between us even more. I miss home very much and think I long to be accepted by my partner’s family.

Honestly, I don’t think that it’s to do with them having fun without me ( they have days out when I’m at work and I don’t mind). In my mind, has there been a discussion beforehand it would have felt different.

OP posts: