Not to give desert…

[Mumof3premies]

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

Not at all. When we were little it was called “pudding tummy”. You can absolutely have your fill of potatoes (or broccoli as OP would prefer), but then want your pudding. Pudding doesn’t have to be crap either.

Stepdaughter ate the amount of roast dinner she fancied eating: OP shouldn’t have plated up for her as it was clearly too much; and OP’s husband shouldn’t be using pudding as a carrot/stick.

Division of responsibility. You put out the first course that you consider appropriate in terms of foods and amounts. Kids eat (or not). No fuss. You then put out the second course in the same way and kids eat or not. Meal is cleared away after all courses with no drama. Presumably you don't in principle object to cake/ice cream or you wouldn't be serving it.

it really wasn’t to much for her as stated previously she was ‘starving’ 30 minutes later.

Rubbish and I say that as someone who is overweight

she was told, rightly, that if she didn’t eat a meal she wouldn’t get dessert, why should she when she claimed she was not full. If she is now hungry ice cream is not going to fill her up, fruit and toast will

get a grip

I’m glad some people actually see my point! @

If she's starving after having a small.dinner and pudding, let her know leftover dinner is available.

Why is that so hard?

Maybe your overweight because that's your logic with food.

Why stuff yourself too much with dinner just to have more food on top when you could have a smaller main and a dessert and be appropriately full, happy, and satisfied?

Not even close to what i said.

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read on mumsnet. Of course an adult has autonomy pier what they eat and when. However, as a parent it is your responsibility to keep your children safe and healthy. By your logic you would let them go out alone, cross the road with their eyes closed and not bother going to school.

They might be slim and athletic now but the fact that you and your husband are obese suggests you’re doing something wrong with regards to your diet.

Or past even.

I couldn't get past either of them 😉

Toast or bagels wouldn't have been offered either. Eat your dinner or don't were the only choices.

If its not eaten, its offered once more and then binned.

I think OP said that her daughter scraped the plate into the bin (which I wouldnt have allowed)

I think the amount of autonomy being advocated here for a 9 year old is really poor parenting.

I think that saying "you must eat X before you can eat Y" is not a good approach for any child but perhaps especially for a child who already has some issues around food. It's good for her to learn how to regulate herself. If she eats vegetables simply because she will be rewarded with cake, that doesn't set her up for healthy eating habits at all.

Withholding dessert is not a natural consequence, either. It's an artificial consequence imposed by authority, otherwise known as a punishment. The natural consequence of not eating is to be hungry (not that I'm suggesting she should go hungry!). I see nothing wrong with offering the child fruit or toast or whatever as an alternative to dinner. But why not let her have dessert as well? What does withholding dessert actually teach her?

That she doesn't have to eat vegetables and can only eat highly UPFs that we know are addictive... that's why @BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere lets just let her live on cake as that is what she likes 🙄

Can you give one good reason why OP couldn't have let her eat as much dinner as she wanted, then dessert. And then if still hungry, offered dinner leftovers?

Surely that's what a normal person would do. Eat what they want, when hungry.

Mumsnetters are batshit crazy with the disordered eating they're passing on to their kids and take no accountability for.

🙄 right back at you @Titicacacandle I certainly never suggested that this child should "only eat highly UPFs" or that she should "live on cake as that is what she likes." I said that the rule of eating vegetables/meat in order to be allowed cake is not a good approach. It doesn't promote healthy eating at all. If this child is to have a fighting chance at learning to regulate herself, she needs to be given the opportunity to learn how. A few vegetables on Sunday night won't make her healthy, any more than a piece of cake will make her unhealthy. But if the OP and her DH would relax the "you must eat X or you can't have Y" approach, that can help her develop healthy eating habits. Of course, that isn't all that has to happen. They also have to consistently provide decent meals, etc. but it sounds as though they are already doing that.

This drives me bonkers as 8 yo Dd is starving all the time. Then I put dinner in front of her and she eats a tiny bit and is back before the dishes are done. Starving apparently. Bananas/ toast in our house. She still gets a pudding but it’s just a couple of punnets of strawberries with a scoop of ice cream each so not hugely filling.

I wouldn’t make food a battle ground personally. I’ve stopped stocking snacks and am doing fruit based puddings for everyone. Perhaps involve her in the cooking as I find that encourages them to eat more as they made it, lots of praise from the other children.

So I tried your approach tonight, I put all the food on the table, she ate some nachos and wedges from the chilli, she ate absolutely nothing else even though this is her favourite. Nachos wedges and dip! Then wanted pudding so I gave it her. There was
chilli
rice
nachos
mixed salad
wedges
dip

fruit and yoghurt for after and she didn’t want that she want d cake so I gave it her!
she clearly isn’t going to make the right choices she is hungry again now and wants more crisps so I gave them her
cheers guys your advice worked let her eat what she wants and I’ll sit back and let her pile weight on 🙃
she’s still not happy as she is moaning she wants noodles so I’m making them she can eat whatever she wants because apparently that’s good parenting 👍🏼

Ps the chilli was full of vegetables and the rice was cauliflower rice 🙃 she also picked the meal and helped prepare it and still didn’t eat it …

Well I hope you're not OP, its really poor parenting what people are advocating

If that is whats happening then that is a great example of what a lot of us were saying, some children cannot self regulate. She is actively choosing the carby/refined carbs, she must have some sugar/carb stuff going on because of the way she eats at home most of the time. The problem is that she may have started developing chemical changes due to her diet in the way she processes sugars.

I’ve done it tonight to prove a point to myself that I wasn’t acting in a bad way and that me putting out a balanced meal for her is better than her choosing herself. I will stick to what I’ve previously been doing and encourage healthy options always!

I'm not going to bother engaging on this anymore.
The OP has zero intention of listening or taking any advice...
Poor kid. She's really stuffed with this attitude towards her.

No one recommended this.

We said to serve her dinner leftovers when hungry. Why are you making her something else? If she's hungry she'll eat the main dinner.

Btw though I wouldn't want to eat cauliflower rice either, maybe your cooking is the issue here 😂

Try actually following advice on this thread instead of trying something different, doing it once and then giving up. Healthy relationship with food won't be built in a day when you've spend so long encouraging a bad one.

This. OP is hellbent on ignoring advice, deciding she's 100% correct anyway, and being really passive aggressive. It doesn't seem like she actually wants advice or to make the situation better.

There isn't any clear advice for OP on this thread as it's divided into those that serve pudding with dinner and let them eat as much pudding and as less veg as they like and those that think dc should eat veg that they like before pudding.