Not to give desert…

[Mumof3premies]

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

I hear the Sahara is lovely this time of year

This.
In all seriousness, insisting on clear plates is the way to eating disorders.

I’m not sure it is, but agree with NewNovember that asking her to eat more to get more defies logic.

Seriously commenting on spelling? Tbh this group is full of pricks! I won’t post again! I didn’t expect her to clear her plate I wanted her to eat 6 slices of carrot and a piece of broccoli so she got some goodness inside her!!! Fucking hell

I have stated she doesn’t have to finish the meal multiple times but she does have to eat the veg and the meat as it’s good for her!

Seriously I’ve explained I use the microphone to talk into my phone due to arthritis in my hands

For the pedants - a desert is defined by precipitation not sand.
OP - your good intentions are coming from the right place but your description of this girl and how she eats suggests a child who is already having difficulties with regulation and an emotional response to food. My suggestion is to take the heat out of the situation. Don't battle over food. It's fine to encourage, but any conditional ties to sweet foods only reinforces those behaviours. Offer it/don't offer it. Be mindful of portion sizes, keep active. Please don't shame her - even if indirectly. Accept that you have no control over the time she spends with her Mum.
I say this as a former bulimic who was always made to eat everything on their plate as a child. I know not everyone will end up with disordered eating because of behaviours engrained from childhood but you have a really good chance here to help this little girl with her regulation around food.

Obesity is linked to comfort eating, UPFs, sedentary lifestyle and lots of other things. Poor MH being the main one.

Most eating disorders are linked to emotional needs such as control as something has gone wrong along the way. BPD for example and disordered eating is pretty well linked up.

You can't say obesity is a result of being asked to eat your veg (that you like) as a child before you get your pudding.

It's a parents job to support their dc to eat a nutritionally balanced diet that includes nutrient dense food as well as the odd treat.

But the point of the thread is that OP backed her dh up and then was shoved under a bus by said dh for doing so.

Only on MN are you unreasonable for encouraging healthy eating and exercising some discipline.
Of course yanbu op.

Has the world gone mad? She’s 9. Of course she just wanted the cake. And no I wouldn’t have given it to her either. It’s not awful to say No pudding if you don’t eat the veg. I’m with you OP. 9 year olds don’t make good choices, that’s why they have parents. You were thrown under the bus by your DP and I would be mad with him. House rules are just that. I’m always bemused by some posters in here. In the real world, even schools don’t let kids eat just puddings after a few bites.

and the meat as it’s good for her!

I think the problem is that your own views ie meat is good, potato is bad are clouding your judgement.

The easiest way to get children to regulate their own eating is to put the food in dishes and allow them to help themselves. There's no pressure then to conform to other peoples ideas of what and how much to eat. If you only serve up food you want them to eat then you can be sure that the majority will eat something.

Pudding is pudding. If you want it to be an extra then make it healthier than cake with custard. But don't use it as a stick to eat other food.

It's really hard trying to make sure everyone eats the best that they can all the time. But making meals into stressful situations because of a battle of wills isn't the way to do it. Nor is your DH going against you. You need to make sure you are on the same page so do that first and make a plan that you are both happy with.

I wouldn't want to eat a load of sand, either - desert.

Yes was also going to say you shouldn't use foods as treats and rewards

I’ve been her step mum for 8 years she’s 9
crikey. So very many men mentioned on mumsnet cannot be independent for even one year. Poor kid.

and for this to be going on for 8 years with the ex?!?! What has your dh tried to do about it?

you’re not the issue, op. Not having dessert is perfectly reasonable. Offering fruit instead is perfectly reasonable. Having the same rules for all children is perfectly reasonable. maybe suggest to your dh that he considers looking into counselling for his dd. Her father left her when she was a tiny baby and moved on very, very quickly. Food could be her way of gaining some control over losing that stability of family life. She will be learning more now she is older that her siblings have a very different, and more stable life to her.

Deserts aren't always sandy, they are landscapes that have minimal precipitation (rain). - Antarctica is a desert

• misses the point of the thread entirely just to add in a random Geography fact

Exactly!
So much hypocrisy. As if we didn’t all differentiate between healthy food and treat food.
If all food had the same nutrients/calories I would eat way less vegetables and way more sugar/carbs, and I very highly suspect a lot of people would do the same. We don’t do that because we want to be healthy. Are we not supposed to teach children to do this?

You don’t develop an eating disorder because you are told to finish your veg before having dessert, otherwise 99% of the population would have one. I had anorexia, and the root cause of ED IMHO is using food for control and/or comfort, because there is an underlying issue (self esteem, anxiety, depression…). The food is the tool, it is not the cause.

conform to other peoples ideas of what and how much to eat
there is a scientific aspect though of what the human body needs to be healthy, a certain amount of protein, vitamins etc it is not ‘ideas’

In the future don't scrape her plate and bin it.

Cover it and when she's hungry again in an hour, stick it in the microwave and give her the rest of her dinner.

But she didn’t just want the cake; she had already eaten the more filling parts of the dinner in the form of 2 types of potato plus Yorkshire pudding. Maybe OP should have cut back on these items to leave room for meat and veg.

NobodyWantsToHearThat
I wouldn't want to eat a load of sand, either - desert.

This is the problem when people don't even bother to read the OP's posts before they add their own - it can end up coming across as ableist bullying.

I'm amazed at the reaction on here. Yes, eating disorders are a terrible thing, and certainly not something you would want to give to your child; but what is the alternative when a child deliberately leaves the healthier parts of their meal - which they like - because they just want the cake?

There has to be some parental autonomy exercised as, we all know, children will make bad, short-term choices without an adult to sensibly guide them.

Would people say that it's dangerous to give a child a set bed-time, in case you give them a sleep disorder by not letting them stay up until 1am, because they're having too much fun and aren't thinking ahead to how much this will wreck the next day for them? Wrong to tell them to tidy up after themselves, in case you give them a neatness OCD?

I really am struggling to see what OP has done wrong here - even aside from the fact that her DH set the rule and then blamed her for upholding it. Maybe that's a big part of the problem: if she knows that her Dad makes idle threats, she can safely ignore them and still get what she wants anyway?

I think it's also problematic when children learn that they can just claim to be 'all full up' when they clearly aren't, in order to manipulate their way to treats whilst sidestepping their main meal.

I agree with the suggestion of putting hers aside - fair enough, if she's full, believe her - but then, if it turns out that she's no longer full, her food can go in the microwave and she can have the rest of it.

At the very least, she should be encouraged to be honest enough to say that she prefers the cake and ice cream to the vegetables, so she's not outright telling lies.

As for people saying that adults sometimes don't eat all their meal, or leave some to make room for dessert, the whole point of being an adult is that you have extra flexibility to make choices, but if they turn out to be bad choices, you yourself have to live with the consequences. If you have, say, 4 weeks annual leave in each calendar year from work, so you decide to take them all in January, as that sounds a lot more fun than having to go in to work, you won't get anywhere by complaining that other people are getting to go off on summer holidays later in the year, whilst you're stuck in work.

This. If you want to do the rule that people have to eat whats on their plate then at least let them decide what they have on their plate and let them put it there themselves. My FIL brought his 5 children up with the finish your food or it is served to you for breakfast rule. He tried it with me ( I was 38 at the time). He started putting huge amounts of food on my plate. I told him that I couldn't possibly eat that much and I wanted to put my own food out. He looked at me as if I was from Mars.Food is pleasure. Food is a shared experience. Stop making it a battle field of stupid rules

We are getting your point and as people who have experienced disordered eating due to rules like yours we are giving you honest advice.

You obviously don't want to hear it and you believe you're right anyway so why did you bother posting?

Yes but for as long as pudding is forbidden, put on a pedestal, requiring you to stuff yourself with dinner first, the child is unlikely to treat these foods as equally appealing and want to eat them.