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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
HelloDaisy · 30/07/2023 20:07

Yes you are allowed to be livid, I would be in your shoes too. It’s sounds like it’s beyond coping levels. Do you think you’re livid due to the awful situation you’re in really, rather than dh?

Sounds like you don’t ever have a break if you’re youngest is so clingy at the moment. It’s understandable why they are clinging to you but that doesn’t make it easier for you to manage.

What is happening with regards to psychiatrist? Is there a possibility that the 12 year old could go into residential care for a short time whilst they sort out behaviour plans, meds etc? That would give you all breathing space and allowed you to reconnect with them as a family….

ameanoldscene · 30/07/2023 20:07

Sorry but you call your twelve year old 'a violent, abusive individual' and you talk about dragging the younger child - just words I know but I think those words say a lot.
I have a DS with additional needs which include behavioural issues - he wouldn't be in the park on his own.

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:08

This reply has been deleted

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Duckafuk · 30/07/2023 20:08

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:01

It's because I feel really sorry for the 12 yr old. I can't imagine how horrendous it must feel to be described this way by your own, very angry, mum. Sure, I feel sad for OP that she's stressed. We r all stressed! Life is stressful. But the poor kid is just a child. He needs a mum that loves him and doesn't see him as such a bad person. Of course I feel a bit sorry for OP, but ai feel waaay more sorry for the kid. And I feel a bit sorry for the DH too.

As someone in the receiving end of a crazed and angry mum, while I have some sympathy, it's the children who need the support more. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Show quote history

Yes, you do sound harsh. Living with a child with MH issues is pure hell. Op came on here to vent. To scream into the void.

mrsbyers · 30/07/2023 20:08

His family live an hour and a half away so presumably he doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to see them if he works Saturdays ? I think six hours including time for meal is really reasonable - you chose not to go and take kids so you should have had a conversation with him to agree he was back by bath time

Bellumbella · 30/07/2023 20:08

I’m fed up with this.
Get off the OP’s case. Can’t you see she and her DH are in a very fraught situation? They’re both working FT and dealing with an volatile child.
She has every right to be livid. Her DH could have got up early to give her a break at one end of the day, but he didn’t. When asked what his arrangements are, his answers are curt.
They’re both really stressed, need a break and support.
As soon as he comes home, OP, get out of the house and have some “me” time. You more than deserve it.

Eastie77Returns · 30/07/2023 20:08

I’m sorry OP, it sounds really stressful.

I think some of the less understanding responses may be the result of the initial post which was a bit confusing. I’ve had to re-read your posts in order to understand what actually occurred and that your 12 yo was out in a park, I thought he was in his room the whole time and couldn’t understand where/how the bully appeared. It seems from a recent update that you have 3 DC although you only mention 2.

I also couldn’t (and still can’t) understand why you were livid at your DP waking up at 9.30 on a weekend.

Laying all that aside, I think those of us who have NT children really cannot fathom how difficult it is to manage and live with a neurodivese child. I hope the help you are receiving via the psychiatrist eventually pays off and things improve for your family.

Summermeadowflowers · 30/07/2023 20:09

Joey2323 · 30/07/2023 20:06

So your child is so dangerous he needs police to stop him from damaging your property and seriously harming yourselves, yet you allow him to roam completely unsupervised in a public park?

In four pages, has no one explored the possibility that this twelve year old might not respond reasonably to ‘no Oliver, you can’t go to the park because your behaviour is unacceptable’?

Yahyahs22 · 30/07/2023 20:09

Oh wow reading these comments made me so sad that you have to read them too.
You sound like you're doing incredibly well given your circumstances. Reaching out for help, safeguarding your little one, allowing your 12 year old freedom yet collecting him when he needs his mum, dealing with all 3 of your kids on your own while your partner enjoys a day to himself.
You have every right to feel the way you feel.

wutheringkites · 30/07/2023 20:09

whereaw · 30/07/2023 20:06

Her husband put her four year old at risk and as a result the child suffered further trauma. That's why the OP is angry and upset. He knows that the situation is unmanageable for one person. I don't think people are really understanding that.

Now that's a bit of a stretch isn't it?

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 20:09

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 30/07/2023 19:38

It was his Dad's 80th birthday, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

I can only imagine how hard life is for you, though.

This! His dads 80th birthday for goodness sake.

Honeychickpea · 30/07/2023 20:09

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 19:52

I didn't really understand your post.

However, you are definitely being very unreasonable to say this about your own, pretty young, child:

we have children, one of whom ... is an awful violent, abusive individual.

You don't sound very nice, though I hope you feel less stressed and all works out well for you soon. Really hope your child has some support from someone caring

Op sounds honest to me. Not everyone wants to wear the Mumsnet mask.

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:10

ReyFinn · 30/07/2023 20:03

Agree.

I can't believe there are posters being so incredibly judgemental and nasty, to a mum who is clearly in a bloody tough situation.

You don't have to justify yourself, OP. The nasty posters are just outing themselves. Vipers.

Show quote history

I find it really really hard to be only kind and sympathetic to someone who describes their own child as "an awful violent, abusive individual". He's 12. He is disabled. I am a bit shocked at how a lot of posters think this is fine. Nit saying the OP isn't struggling, but this child needs some support, and fast.

MansfieldLark · 30/07/2023 20:10

A 12 year old with additional needs really needs to be home before 7pm. Is he capable if being out unsupervised, really?

OutDamnedSpot · 30/07/2023 20:10

Op, ask MN to take this down. It’s not helping you.

Have you come across Newbold Hope on FB? Join the group. Repost there. You’ll get more help.

mistermagpie · 30/07/2023 20:10

OP you're clearly very angry on this thread and it's a bit all over the place. But I remember the last thread you posted (or one of them) and it was much clearer just how bleak things are for you. I honestly don't know how you do it but I'm glad you are finally getting some help.

I'm so sorry it's been a stressful day and it's so unfair that your DH has got a break and you haven't. I would absolutely be going out for 8 hours next weekend for your turn. Take the 4 year old with you if you absolutely have to, the two of you could have a little day out together, I bet they would love that.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:11

Summermeadowflowers · 30/07/2023 20:09

In four pages, has no one explored the possibility that this twelve year old might not respond reasonably to ‘no Oliver, you can’t go to the park because your behaviour is unacceptable’?

Show quote history

I did type and explain that about 3 times but deleted it because I could handle the back lash.

If I can't stop him smashing his windows through and throwing items at my head or beating me, I sure as heck can't stop him walking out when I ask him not to.

I'm ignoring any suggestions of "have you tried discipline or a reward chart" responses to this because I can't handle more BS.

OP posts:
Red0 · 30/07/2023 20:11

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Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:11

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Op…come on.

You say your son is prone to uncontrollable rages.

You weren’t there to witness what happened so you don’t know the situation.

You have no idea if he would ever hurt another child because his faves are uncontrollable. Even if he hasn’t to date, he could not be able to control himself and unleash an uncontrollable rage on another child.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 30/07/2023 20:11

OP, please ignore the arseholes on the thread, I hope somehow things calm down for you all, it’s sounds like hell. 💐

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:11

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Yes! I have the same SEN as him.

Well spotted!!

OP posts:
Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 30/07/2023 20:12

SpainToday · 30/07/2023 20:05

I have read the original post several times and am still confused about the location of the 12 yr old

RTFT

He had been with friends at a park for about an hour when he phoned because his bully turned up and hit him.

Honeychickpea · 30/07/2023 20:12

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/07/2023 19:58

Its all very dramatic, an unstable violent unable to not be aggressive 12 yo but able to go out and about unsupervised.
A 4yo terrified about leaving the house at 7pm, why would he need to be dragged out.
What happened for 12 yo to be in a fight?

Show quote history

I suspect that the 12 year old triwd his violent bullshit on the wrong person and got handed his ass.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:13

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:11

Op…come on.

You say your son is prone to uncontrollable rages.

You weren’t there to witness what happened so you don’t know the situation.

You have no idea if he would ever hurt another child because his faves are uncontrollable. Even if he hasn’t to date, he could not be able to control himself and unleash an uncontrollable rage on another child.

Show quote history

nope, I was not.

But I have seen the various videos of him beating up my son before
Kids are adorable, they film everything.

The kid was kicking and punching my son while he was on the floor in a ball.

So no, I may not have been a fly on the wall tonight but I HAVE seen it before.

And reported it.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 20:13

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Uncalled for, unhelpful and unnecessary.