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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 20:01

Duckafuk · 30/07/2023 19:57

What a nasty post. The OP is living in a horrible situation every day and youve just come along to give her a kicking. Shame on you .

Show quote history

It's because I feel really sorry for the 12 yr old. I can't imagine how horrendous it must feel to be described this way by your own, very angry, mum. Sure, I feel sad for OP that she's stressed. We r all stressed! Life is stressful. But the poor kid is just a child. He needs a mum that loves him and doesn't see him as such a bad person. Of course I feel a bit sorry for OP, but ai feel waaay more sorry for the kid. And I feel a bit sorry for the DH too.

As someone in the receiving end of a crazed and angry mum, while I have some sympathy, it's the children who need the support more. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 20:01

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 30/07/2023 19:52

I didn't really understand your post.

However, you are definitely being very unreasonable to say this about your own, pretty young, child:

we have children, one of whom ... is an awful violent, abusive individual.

You don't sound very nice, though I hope you feel less stressed and all works out well for you soon. Really hope your child has some support from someone caring

And you appear to lack empathy and be unable to read when someone is at absolute breaking point. Putting the boot in when someone is reaching out for help definitely doesn’t make you the best judge of niceness.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 30/07/2023 20:01

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:59

I do, I'm feeling like an absolutely crap individual who caused my home life to be as shit as it is by reading these replies.

So I really appreciate your kind and empathetic response. I needed to hear that, thank you.

Show quote history

I don’t think for a minute you caused this! And I don’t see any posters suggesting that- I may have missed someone of course, but I think they are wrong. This isn’t your fault that you child is having such issues. I’m sorry it’s made you feel worse.

what do their support workers and psychiatrists say about your 12 year old being out in a park group?

Basilthymerosemary · 30/07/2023 20:01

I think everything else aside....OP....hopefully things start to get better with the treatment. But you do have to have a break and just let your DH deal with the children next weekend. Take 8hrs off somewhere... spa, cinema, walk....

He will cope with them. They will cope with him.

Give yourself a break.

ltappleby · 30/07/2023 20:02

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RedToothBrush · 30/07/2023 20:02

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:40

The 12 year old is at home.

I dragged the little one out to collect him, which I had said in my OP.

I also said in my OP he was now throwing things round his room in rage.

I don't understand why people are asking where he is?

If he's behaving badly why did you even let him go out in the first place? That should have been the punishment.

Instead you let him out - for an easy peaceful life yourself because you can't cope with him.

And yet you are accusing your husband of doing the same with no degree of irony.

Because he went to his Dad's 80th birthday. And didn't leave until 7pm. Which frankly is still bloody early even with a 90min drive.

This isn't about today. It's about a general inability of both parents to cope with their child.

And frankly your comment in your OP stating they are: an awful violent, abusive individual

Thats a twelve year old who has additional needs (I'm assuming SEN). So disabled.

You don't want to deal with the problem and you are both trying to avoid it. The problem is a vulnerable child.

You and your husband tearing chunks off each other really isn't going to make the situation easier.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:02

leopard22 · 30/07/2023 19:59

I think todays situation aside, you're doing well just to get through a day.

Just an assumption but with everything going on, your relationship must be under a massive amount of strain as it is, so anytime he makes life harder than it already is, (even when it's unintentional) it causes even more stress and resentment- and I agree, he could have got up earlier so you could if at least had some kind of a break aswell.

What would happen if you shipped out for the same amount of time next Sunday? Would he cope without you? Would the 4yr old be okay just with him?

The 4 year old isn't safe with just one parent when our 12 year old is violent to be honest.

It takes one of us (me) to scoop the 4 year old up and take him out when the 12 year old is smashing our windows through, and the other adult to stay at home and call the police.

I would be putting him at harm, intentionally leaving him with DH for a few days.

I have booked a hotel several times with the little one to keep him safe.

We have totally run out of money to do that any more now thoigh.

OP posts:
XelaM · 30/07/2023 20:03

Sorry your situation is horrible, but be kind to your husband because if he walks out your situation is going to get even harder. Being out until 7pm for his dad's 80th birthday is not unreasonable.

ReyFinn · 30/07/2023 20:03

User1367349 · 30/07/2023 20:00

This thread is a shitshow. @Fuckingfumin - you are hurting, you are going to get very little support or help here. Parents of children with SEN and/or severe behavioural issues rarely do. Ask MN to take it down.

Agree.

I can't believe there are posters being so incredibly judgemental and nasty, to a mum who is clearly in a bloody tough situation.

You don't have to justify yourself, OP. The nasty posters are just outing themselves. Vipers.

IncognitoMam · 30/07/2023 20:03

Maybe get the thread moved to SEN board?

Sometimeswinning · 30/07/2023 20:03

Tapasgoofy · 30/07/2023 19:59

Glad you got your hour of calm.

Stop terrifying your 4 year old though or being overly dramatic about picking up your 4 year old.

Show quote history

Have you got a clue about what the op goes through everyday or are you just judging from your ivory tower?

Honeychickpea · 30/07/2023 20:03

KateyCuckoo · 30/07/2023 19:40

Why are you letting a violent and out of control 12 year-old out and about by himself??

And is this the 12 yr old that is bullying you by throwing chairs, verbal abuse etc the same one who is crying for you to pick him up because of his bully?

Thegoodbadandugly · 30/07/2023 20:04

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:54

He wasn't at his friends.
and it wasn't for the day.

What are you reading?

He had been out for about an hour with some friends at the park when his arch nemesis turned up.

Ive had all the children for the last 48 hours, stuck in doors because it's been possible g it down.

what posts of mine have you been reading?

Show quote history

If your 12 year old is violent and aggressive then surely you should be monitoring him whilst he is out? So he shouldn't be coming across his nemisis.

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 20:04

I don’t think your husband staying for a nice full day with his dad on his dad’s 80th is the problem.
I also agree with PP that your son does not sound mature or even safe to be allowed out unsupervised.
I can see it’s been a horrific day and you’re at the end of your rope.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

IncognitoMam · 30/07/2023 20:04

XelaM · 30/07/2023 20:03

Sorry your situation is horrible, but be kind to your husband because if he walks out your situation is going to get even harder. Being out until 7pm for his dad's 80th birthday is not unreasonable.

I was thinking that too

Caprisunny · 30/07/2023 20:04

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:56

I DID take them out!!

I have entertained all THREE of the kids all day. AND yesterday!

Why are people making such tall assumptions?!

Show quote history

Op I think you need to take some time out. Both you and your dh and regroup.

I am unsure how many kids you have, I thought it was 2 but it appears to be 3. But you and your dh need to work on things when you are calm. It seems you have got yourselves into a massive hole.

The youngest needs to be able to go with the other parent. Your dh needs to work on building that bond and you need to support that.

Your 12 year old, who shows extreme violence can’t be out on and evening with other people if he is prone to such violence. I get why it may feel easier to let him go, but that’s bringing your more issues. Like it did tonight. Given his violent rages, is it likely he was beaten and did retaliate? Or even start it?

It’s not safe for him or others. I am not sure where the other kids fit into it so can’t advise.

I don’t think your dh did much wrong, it’s his dad birthday. You obviously didn’t predict that your 12 year old would have an incident. But neither did your DH. He can’t be more in the wrong for not predicting than you were.

That’s why you need to regroup. Together.

GuinnessBird · 30/07/2023 20:04

I can't be the only one wondering why a violent 12 year old who smashes furniture and windows is allowed out unsupervised?

It doesn't make sense.

Original poster
Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 20:04

You don't want to deal with the problem and you are both trying to avoid it. The problem is a vulnerable child.

I beg your pardon?!

Im not dealing with the problem? By problem are you referring to my son?

The one who we have finally got to a psychiatrist? (As I said upthread) the one that finally has a key worker (as I said upthread) the one we have FINALLY got support for (as I said up thread) after me screaming out for help in all directions fAS I SAID UPTHREAD).

OP posts:
Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 30/07/2023 20:04

Fuuuck me the comments on this thread!!

It sounds awful OP.

I think being livid at DP though might be an (understandable) overreaction to what is basically a miscommunication if I’m reading the thread correctly. Your stress levels are so high that anger is likely very easily triggered and it’s possible he simply didn’t think. And, I’m sure, pushed boundaries of when he should leave a bit because he’s so stressed and families always tell you to just stay for another drink/game/few minutes!

Really glad you’re getting some help with the 12 year old. Hope you’re feeling calmer. X

SpainToday · 30/07/2023 20:05

I have read the original post several times and am still confused about the location of the 12 yr old

Nottodaythx · 30/07/2023 20:05

OP, your situation sounds incredibly tough and I really cannot imagine just how hard this is for your whole family.

what is your DP usually like? I’m wondering if today is just the final
straw of selfish behaviour from your DP

Hes essentially had the whole day as I imagine by the time he got up
he only really had enough time to get himself ready so it’s unlikely he’s contributed anything.

ladyvivienne · 30/07/2023 20:06

What's the situation with your 12 year old? How has it come to this? Diagnosed behaviour issues? On medication? Why is he having violent outbursts in the first place?

My child is autistic with ADHD. Not an excuse for poor behaviour. It's bloody hard work and he's twice the work of a 'normal ' child ( I can say that, I have a normal child as well) but he's certainly not throwing things around violently and causing a 'violent' household for others. And if he was like that, I certainly wouldn't let him out unaccompanied. My son is constantly 'watched' so to speak. Sent DH to a party with him today with full instructions to be on high alert in case he was triggered and at risk of a meltdown. There's not a cat in hell's chance I would let him out unaccompanied if he were like you're describing. You're literally risking deliberately exactly what happened. I wouldn't let him out as it is, and he's not violent.

Plenty of SEN parents on here. We have walked in your shoes. Can possibly help with ways/strategies to avoid this. Could you not have asked your neighbour to pop in for 5 mins to watch your 4 yr old whilst you were collecting your 12 yr old? You literally made it worse by dragging the 4 yr old into it.

It was still your husband's Dad's 80th birthday. He's allowed a full day off. I would have let him stay overnight. You need to communicate because parenting an SEN child is bloody hard work and you both need adequate breaks. Communication is key.

Joey2323 · 30/07/2023 20:06

So your child is so dangerous he needs police to stop him from damaging your property and seriously harming yourselves, yet you allow him to roam completely unsupervised in a public park?

whereaw · 30/07/2023 20:06

Her husband put her four year old at risk and as a result the child suffered further trauma. That's why the OP is angry and upset. He knows that the situation is unmanageable for one person. I don't think people are really understanding that.

almostoverthehill · 30/07/2023 20:07

Does your son have a diagnosed condition? Or has some kind of trauma lead to this? How long has this been a problem? Does he attend school?