I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

There really are some utter arseholes on this thread.

OP - I hope you don’t feel 10 x worse for starting this. This thread is yet another reminder why this is the last I’d ever come if I needed advice or support.

The 12 year old wasn’t home when your 4 year old went to sleep as you said he was out
so it must of been calm when she went to bed and I’m guessing you woke her up calmly and nicely and said you needed to pop out and had to take her with you.
Unless you literally terrified her yourself and dragged her out of the bed in a panic then it wouldn’t be traumatic.

I DID take them out!!

I have entertained all THREE of the kids all day. AND yesterday!

Why are people making such tall assumptions?!

I don't see why he couldn't have taken your younger child

Ok he might have been unsettled but that's for your DH to deal with on the day and presumably other family members would have been there to amuse him!

I know you are upset OP, but taking it out on posters isn't going to help matters.

Yes we can read that you are angry about your situation. But your initial post was a bit disjointed and so I think it's normal that posters are going to ask questions to get a clearer idea of your situation. And perhaps try to help.

Yes an hour of calm.

Im so lucky. ❤️

What a nasty post. The OP is living in a horrible situation every day and youve just come along to give her a kicking. Shame on you .

Sorry, I can only imagine how shit home must feel.

I am concerned though about letting a child so aggressive and violent that you can’t take him to family life and your 4 year old lives in fear witnessing domestic violence, out to the park without adult supervision.

I would not want my kids out in that park with a kid liable to throw chairs and call people cunts, without an adult there.

Its all very dramatic, an unstable violent unable to not be aggressive 12 yo but able to go out and about unsupervised.
A 4yo terrified about leaving the house at 7pm, why would he need to be dragged out.
What happened for 12 yo to be in a fight?

Oh OP I get why you’re angry. In your shoes I’d be angry too. I think in future situs it needs to be agreed what time you will be home if one of you goes out for the day/evening. I also get why you’re annoyed at DH having a lie in when you were going to be fielding kids all day! Are you getting any external support with DS? It sounds like you are at the absolute end of your tether and need a break from this situation.

I have to say there's no way I'd let a "violent abusive" child who calls family "cunts" and throws chairs out unsupervised.

You know for next time that your 12 year old needs to be home before his siblings bedtime. (Or your husband for the next time you are out)

Wow what a heartless post.

I do, I'm feeling like an absolutely crap individual who caused my home life to be as shit as it is by reading these replies.

So I really appreciate your kind and empathetic response. I needed to hear that, thank you.

How old is the third child in all of this?

I think todays situation aside, you're doing well just to get through a day.

Just an assumption but with everything going on, your relationship must be under a massive amount of strain as it is, so anytime he makes life harder than it already is, (even when it's unintentional) it causes even more stress and resentment- and I agree, he could have got up earlier so you could if at least had some kind of a break aswell.

What would happen if you shipped out for the same amount of time next Sunday? Would he cope without you? Would the 4yr old be okay just with him?

Glad you got your hour of calm.

Stop terrifying your 4 year old though or being overly dramatic about picking up your 4 year old.

I think there are some replies on this post assuming that this situation is milder and more controllable than it is.

"Why would the 4 year old be terrified" and suggesting that OP needs to be more relaxed about her DH taking some chill time, and "you've only got one child to manage at home if 12 yr old is out!".

Naivety, sorry. OP is experiencing domestic violence from her oldest child. She's got a 4 year old to shield and try to give a "normal" childhood too, and is angry that her DH has taken a day as if there's not a crisis situation at home. DH may be objectively reasonable to take extra time at his dad's 80th birthday party, but in this situation, I can well understand OP feeling enraged and upset that she's been flying solo all day while he's had a lie in and stopped out late.

12 year old*

This thread is a shitshow. @Fuckingfumin - you are hurting, you are going to get very little support or help here. Parents of children with SEN and/or severe behavioural issues rarely do. Ask MN to take it down.

The only issue I have is that he could have taken the younger child with him.

YANBU OP.
Most people on here won’t have been near your shoes, never mind walked in them. A fact for which they should all count themselves incredibly fortunate.

LIFE SOUNDS very hard for you, it will get harder when your eldest is going through puberty. Can you ask about respite care.?

Your situation sounds horrendous and I feel for you so much in what you're going through.
Damage might have been done, but there is always hope. Kids go through trauma and can come out stronger if you help them through it and work together.
What help are you getting? What help do you need?

I also agree that your husband was very inconsiderate. If it's always you who has to hold the fort and you who is considering everyone else all the time. It's totally understandable that you have reached boiling point. You're human.

And yes, most of the responses on the thread are indeed a shitshow.