Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 12:26

@JenWillsiam ..can't give up just yet..I don't know anything about your life and you don't know anything about mine. What I do know is that you want to align yourself with someone who refers to their 12 year old son with additional needs as an 'awful, violent individual' and will find any excuse to seemingly make that right.

EarthlyNightshade · 31/07/2023 12:40

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 12:26

@JenWillsiam ..can't give up just yet..I don't know anything about your life and you don't know anything about mine. What I do know is that you want to align yourself with someone who refers to their 12 year old son with additional needs as an 'awful, violent individual' and will find any excuse to seemingly make that right.

I'm aligned with them too.
Not because they said that, but because I can see past that.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 12:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

EarthlyNightshade · 31/07/2023 13:08

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Thanks

AGreatUsername · 31/07/2023 13:26

OP I do not have any wise advice, but I just wanted to say I am so so sorry that you are in this position. Having a child like that must be exhausting. I have 3 boys on the autistic spectrum, and they really aren’t badly impacted but when they were younger I was on the floor with it. It is a constant grind and removes your whole vision of how life “should” be. I for one was incredibly resentful and angry for years. For me luckily that has grown less as they’ve grown but I just wanted to say I empathise and remember all too well the years where I despised my husband purely because he had the privilege of going to work every day while I was stuck with the kids.

We got through it, and things for me are now actually great, I really hope you do too and that the support you’re finally getting makes a big difference.

Honeychickpea · 31/07/2023 13:51

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 11:09

Why do you feel the need to insult people’s intelligence when they disagree with you?
You’ve done it to more than one poster.

It is not helpful to conflate the behaviour of domestic abusers with children who are ND.

It’s dangerous.

Show quote history

It's also not helpful to pretend that young people with special needs are not capable of being domestic abusers.

Olive19741205 · 31/07/2023 14:27

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 10:41

You can describe the behaviour to social services without referring to your son as an 'awful, violent, abusive individual'. You can seek support from others on the Internet without using those words. No matter how stressed and tired you have become ..and OP was seemingly sat with a glass of wine by about 9.30 with everyone sleeping so had time to herself at that point and yet continued to vent and swear at randoms on the Internet. Then the tiny few of us who dare to question this set up are set upon with anger and vitriol. Crazy.

You're post is an absolute disgrace, as your other posts have been too. You're now even jumping on the fact that she had a wine. As has been said numerous times, she's not using that language to her son, only on an anonymous forum. Your sanctimonious attitude is ridiculous. You clearly need to tear someone down to feel good about yourself. Sort yourself out.

ReyFinn · 31/07/2023 14:46

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 12:09

And despite no engagement continues to comment and tag me. It’s almost like she cannot stay away and has to have the last word whilst consistently ignoring what people are actually doing. Standing by the vulnerable struggling OP.

Show quote history

Exactly that - the sort that could start a fight in an empty room.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 14:55

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 12:26

@JenWillsiam ..can't give up just yet..I don't know anything about your life and you don't know anything about mine. What I do know is that you want to align yourself with someone who refers to their 12 year old son with additional needs as an 'awful, violent individual' and will find any excuse to seemingly make that right.

I don’t judge it. I understand the desperation. If that means I align myself with her I would rather that than people who shame others for being desperate.

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 15:20

Honeychickpea · 31/07/2023 13:51

It's also not helpful to pretend that young people with special needs are not capable of being domestic abusers.

Show quote history

I’m not pretending anything.
The two things can coexist. It doesn’t mean one is intrinsically linked to the other.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 18:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

user1492809438 · 31/07/2023 18:38

Just wanted to say you are an awesome Mum and person, some comments on here are are inexecusable....IGNORE them.

ireallycantthinkofaname · 31/07/2023 20:26

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

convenient how you miss where she also says, "My 12 year old is bloody awesome. He's funny, cute, empathetic, caring and really intelligent.
I absolutely bloomin adore him."

Honeychickpea · 31/07/2023 22:09

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 11:09

Why do you feel the need to insult people’s intelligence when they disagree with you?
You’ve done it to more than one poster.

It is not helpful to conflate the behaviour of domestic abusers with children who are ND.

It’s dangerous.

Show quote history

Children who are ND can be and often are domestic abusers.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 22:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LaMaG · 31/07/2023 23:04

I haven't read all posts but have read yours OP. Am I right in saying you had a thread a few weeks ago? If not it was someone in a very similar situation. It stayed on my mind a bit. I just want to say how sorry I am, it sounds horrendous. And I'm sorry some posters are being hard on you, they haven't a clue. FWIW I wish you well I really do.

Olive19741205 · 31/07/2023 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Freshstarts23 · 31/07/2023 23:55

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 21:47

Hahahah!!! That genuinely made me laugh out loud!!

Do you know the most recent meltdown we tried exactly what you just suggested.

We went out for a pub lunch following a day at a entertainment part type place.

There was one desert on the menu DS could have (many allergies). They had run out.

He threw the menu, started telling all of us to fuck off while still stood at the bar.
I whipped out of the, told DH we had to leave, got the smallest one, packed him in the car.
DS refused to get in. Started throwing stones at my car, screaming at us that we were all cunts.
This is on a sunny day, next to the beer garden. They are ALL staring at us.

Dh Tried to gently get him in the car.

DH tried to firmly get him in the car.

DH tried to physically lead him into the car, this caused him to kick, scream and punch.

I tried calling his bluff and driving away.

we were in a rural village and two people approached him looking worried, clearly wondering why the hell we had abandoned him.
I drove back, he threw more stones at my car, screamed at me that I was a cunt.

ONE HOUR later, after us all sitting in a hot car, we finally got to leave.

ONE HOUR of abuse. An HOUR of embarrassment.

thats just ONE example of many many.

Please don't fucking tell me, that we could just leave.

please don't fucking assume that he would just get up and come with me if I told him.

please don't fucking tell me that I am making things WORSE.

Show quote history

I’ve been in this situation many many times so I do get it but I have a very different outlook to you. When this happens with my son, of course I feel frustrated, embarrassed etc. But primarily, I feel empathy for him because he is struggling in that moment.
I’ve learnt to ignore the looks from strangers.
I think it’s really important, that aside from all the help you’ve done a great job of getting for your son, you get some for yourself. The way you are feeling will inevitably affect how you handle the situation and how your son feels you view him, and how he then feels about himself.
You also mentioned avoiding certain things until he is maybe old enough to handle his emotions better. Assuming he has SEN, you may always need to avoid certain situations. I’m a single parent to 2 children and have had to accept, we just can’t do something’s as it’s to overwhelming for my son and meltdowns will be inevitable.
I really hope things get better and you all manage to get the support you need individually.

Freshstarts23 · 01/08/2023 00:06

For what it’s worth, In the above situation, which I’ve had many times in restaurants with my ds, I don’t leave. I allow him to feel frustrated, I don’t react, I don’t worry about other people, I may try and get him outside to let the emotion out in a quieter space. I appreciate we have different children, but if I reacted the way you described, it would escalate the way your situation did, and be worse all around.
Luckily, most of the time now, after making a bit of a scene, my ds will run off, usually outside and come back somewhat calmer, but it’s been a long road. At home is a completely different story though!

ThereIbledit · 01/08/2023 00:59

Still waiting for somebody to explain to me in easy to understand terms why specifically they object to the words Awful, Violent, Abusive, or Individual.

His behaviour is violent. Awfully violent. He is abusive. He is an individual.

What exactly about these words are people getting their knickers in a twist about?

They're just words that objectively describe the OP's son. As are the other positive words she has used to describe him in other posts, that are being ignored.

ThereIbledit · 01/08/2023 00:59

Are we to insist that all parents name only their offspring's pleasant traits?

BrunoMarzipan · 01/08/2023 02:11

God, fight against yourselves on a different thread. All this is in no way helpful to a mum at the end of her tether. Why keep using op's adjectives in her opening post to cause an argument? Read the full thread! My kids are arseholes sometimes, I never tell them this and they don't pick up on the underlying fact I must "hate them" . If there is genuinely one mum on here that has never needed to vent for just 5 minutes, then resume parenting normally again, please put your comments up.

DuckPuddledJemima · 01/08/2023 02:51

I haven't read it all because some of the answers are goady AF and your anger is palpable.
I have been you. It's a bloody hard path. It got so bad and dangerous for my youngest son's mental health that we had to get police permission to travel in the first lock down and send our son to my parents for 6 months.
Im so glad you mentioned camhs involvement, now you have a foot in the door, please ask them to refer your son to Forensic camhs. They analyse EVERYTHING. from pregnancy to now. The tests they ordered and assessments they did lead to a significant amount of help for our boy. And he was out of control. We actually know now that his brain has parts missing and is wired differently. I hope you get help. My son is just 18 now and thriving in an Sen college studying carpentry. He works part time and is very stable. It was the transition build up from primary to secondary coupled with hormones that triggered him. Truly wishing you some peace. Hold on, it gets better.

Mikami · 01/08/2023 11:32

I would be fuming too. What an awful situation to be in anyway let alone be left like that.

I hope he seriously steps up.

Pineapples198 · 01/08/2023 12:06

I don’t think either if you are being unreasonable. Your husband works full time and by the sound of it family life is tough, it’s his fathers 80th which by anyone’s standards is a pretty big event, if it takes an hour and a half to get there it’s not unreasonable to be gone that long. If we visit my parents 90 mins away we leave the house around 10 and don’t get back until 8:30pm. I think if it had been you going you wouldn’t think it was unreasonable. That being said, I do think he was unreasonable to get up late, sort himself out and go - that is quite selfish of him. he should’ve got up early and helped as much as poss before leaving and asked if you needed anything else before he left.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable either - you’ve struggled all day by yourself in a horrible and stressful situation and we’re expecting your husband to be back to help. I have a child with additional needs myself and some days expecting DH back at 6pm only for it to be 7:30pm can tip me over the edge into irritated and fed up.

My suggestions would be - sit and have a chat with DH once you’ve calmed down. Explain how difficult the day was and that next time you would like to avoid the stress by making a plan in advance. You’d like him to do x y z before he leaves. You’d like him to be back before bedtime to help out. Ask if he has any input or ideas. Arrange a day for you to go out and have some time to yourself while he has the kids.

ask for more help with the 12 year old - what have the school recommended? What they can offer? Is there a youth club he can join? Do you have a club in your area for struggling / violent teens? Guidance counsellor? Depending on his needs is there medication he can try, for example ADHD can be successfully medicated.

sending a virtual hug to you OP