I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

Your poor 4 year old. Your living situation sounds appalling.

If your older child is extremely violent and unmanageable, at what stage does he need to go into care.

I think people are struggling to understand why your neurodivergent 12 year old was at the park without supervision.

I have a violent DS with ASD and other complications - a lot of what you have written really resonates (to the extent that our younger DS has triggered a safeguarding visit from social services after reporting what our home life is like at school) but we only now allow our DS age 14 out alone without us nearby. 7pm isn’t late for your DP to be out for a special event. You sound completely at the end of your tether and in need of more support.

I get it OP. I lived with a sibling who was like your son, and I completely understand why your 4 year old is terrified, especially when woken up prematurely.

And I get why your son has to go out with friends. As a troubled child, he still needs positive interaction with his peers and to have a good time. There's no point in removing a positive activity where he behaves well in favour of keeping him home as a punishment. It's just crap luck that he ran into someone who has a problem with him.

Op I feel you need to delete this thread. People who don't have SEN children don't understand. Mine is only 5 and isn't violent to us, but does have outbursts, so I can imagine what you must be going through.

I think time to yourselves is good, as it gives you chance to recharge, so I don't think DH was being unreasonable. But maybe next time for both of you, discuss what time each other will be home, so there's no miscommunications.

I assume your child has ASD? Have you reached out to some charities for help and advice? In the south east, we have charities like Autism Apprentice who are great. Reach out as much as you can op. And just think, you're going down the right path, you've had a referral. Keep focusing on that light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh do shut up

Op, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all of posters to suggest that if he is that violent with uncontrollable rages then he shouldn’t be allowed out unsupervised. It’s a disaster waiting to happen and another child (or your child) could end up seriously hurt.

You are clearly struggling, understandably.

In your OP your first post you wrote this confusing line which is why lots of people could not work out where your child was/is:

"So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per."

Hope your ok OP ❤️

There are indeed utter arseholes on the thread. Jesus.

OP, you are exhausted and broken and I'm astonished that all those arseholes can't see this. You also sound as though you are struggling with shame and guilt and a lot of conflicted feelings and I really, really feel for you.

Will you be getting family therapy just for you and DH? Because at the moment, the only thing that can be sorted quickly is his behaviour in relation to all this - and from what you said about his habitual curt 'I don't know' when you need to know when he'll be back (for your sanity, which is also critical for his children's wellbeing) he is responding to your mutual shit situation by adding more shit for you to deal with.

You have to tag team this stuff. One person being absent with no defined ETA is a huge deal to the parent who is coping with their second day alone with a violent adolescent and a very young child who is terrified.

Plus it's 1.5 hours away?

OP, maybe ask mumsnet to delete this thread?
People are being incredibly judgemental and nasty - which is the last thing you need. Of course dealing with your 12 yo on your own would be difficult, even dangerous, without throwing another child into the mix as well. Yes, you and your OH both need respite from the horrible situation you're currently in, but not at the expense of the child/ren or other adult in the house. I'm not sure what the solution is but I hope you can find one, soon. So sorry this is happening to you all. :( 💐

Just, wow.

I think for his own Dad's 80th, you could cut him more slack. You should have both thought of a better arrangement so you were not left alone for so long. His Dad's birthday at that age is a big deal and he should have been able to enjoy the occasion.

Were you not able to agree a time your partner would be back by? If so, what's he said about over-stepping it? If not... then... are you just feeling massively unsupported and massively not-communicated with, by him?

Is this looking like a 'family mess' when actually, the simple problem is that if you had his support, you'd be dealing through all this just fine?

What happens to the DC when you are both working? What age is the third child? If your 12yo is so violent and causing such terror in your youngest should you be looking at residential care? I know it is but that simple, but if you describe it as domestic violence should he be staying in the family home. What happens if he seriously hurts the 4yo?

I’m sorry this all sounds dreadful!

@Acourtof why? Who is safeguarding the 4 year old? Or do they not matter.

So your 12 year old is violent and you can't deal with him yet let him go out alone so others have to deal with him.

Imagine if someone says or looks at him wrong.

Sorry OP. You can’t simultaneously be angry at your husband for leaving you with a child who is so violent it takes two parents and a police presence to control him in order to protect your own children, but are happy for him to be completely unsupervised with other children in public places.

It sounds like you may need social services intervention. They can help you out it's what they are there for.

There are some proper arseholes on this thread

I was going to ask if you are phoning the police because that can hurry them up the queue for help. Are SS involved? Your youngest needs emotional support. It's a tough situation when it's a child inflicting DV.

This poor woman is at breaking point - she doesn’t need judgement , it sounds like a living nightmare . I’ve been in the OP’s shoes , dealing with a DS with ASD , it’s not temper or rage learned from parents fgs .. the meltdowns are like nothing on earth .. believe me .. I remember many years ago my DS swinging his heavy school bag into my stomach mid meltdown (when I was five months pregnant ) because I hadn’t forewarned him we were going shopping when I picked him up from school .

OP has explained this upthread. I reply to one of the many posters weigh zero understanding of ND kids who jumped in with their judgey-pants on before you did.

😵‍💫

I think you sound quite rightly incredibly stressed but I think you are being unreasonable in regards to him only just leaving at 7. He must feel the same about life as you do, he enjoyed the day with his parents. I understand it’s ‘unfair’ but I would just make sure I had the same opportunity in the near future.