I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

Well it’s not your FIL’s or your husband’s fault that your child is like this. It’s not your child’s fault either, but that goes without saying. Your FIL and your husband still want to spend time together on his big birthday, you can’t be annoyed with them for that.

You’re at the end of your tether, and that’s understandable, but your husband has done nothing wrong in wanting to be with his dad on his birthday. And so what that he got up at 9.30 on a day off? He wanted to leave at 11. That’s plenty of time to get ready and help you with a few things before leaving.

3 hours of that is travelling and I imagine an 80th birthday lunch involves more socialising that just eating lunch. OP you can be livid about your situation which sounds awfully hard but unless you had agreed a time for DH to be home by I dont think being livid with him is particularly useful.

Because how you wrote your op wasn't very readable, understanbly because you are angry but I had to read three times to make sure.

Anyway, I don't think DH has done much wrong, a bit selfish to not get up and help out but it's his dad's Birthday so cut him some slack for leaving later.

Perhaps you should sit down and make a plan/troubleshoot that you both agree to if one of you is out for the day such as phone call checks, maybe helping in the morning or sticking to set times for leaving and coming back, make a routine or plan for your son to do something he generally likes to avoid issues like today.

It was a bit confusing in your OP to be fair.

This is the DC that you wouldn't take to a family event due to his violent behaviour. The same DC that you received a call from as he was being beaten on?

As long as your DH does his fair share normally, I can't see the issue with him having a lie in. If he always lays in and doesn't do his fair share, then of course the situation isn't ideal.

Sorry if it was confusing.

I was anger-jabbing at my phone.

Im calmer now.

I don't ask him what time he will leave now because all I ever get is a curt and short "I don't know!" Snapped at me.

You sound like the end of your tether, it's not really about the dinner. In the future sending the younger dc with your db would make sense to me, but really you need support to work out how to manage your elder child, im guessing there's a lot more to it

I think if he was getting a day off he should have dragged his arse out of bed earlier and let you have the lie in.

Ot sounds incredibly stressful OP. What support sre you getting in all of this?

Wondering if you can get some respite care and have social or 24 hour care look after the troubled child for a little while? it sounds like you all need a break. Sending sympathy to all of you.

I think you're being massively unreasonable - and I have an SEN child.

It was his DAD's 80th BIRTHDAY FFS!!!

Give the lad a break.

Plus, your 12 yr old can't be that bad if he goes out with his friends no problem for the day? You've only one one child to deal with then all day?

I feel sorry for the husband! 7pm is in no way late, and certainly not on your Dad's special birthday.

Younger DC would never go. He would spend the whole time crying and asking for me.

Unfortunately because he is witnessing which is essentially domestic violence, he is understandably clingy and tearful and never wants to leave my side.

We aRe getting support with this finally though, after a year of screaming out for help in all directions. But the damage is done.

Why would you 4 year old be ‘terrified’ about being woken up and made to get in the car? It’s hardly a traumatic event.

The next day is Monday? They’re both at work?

Well frankly yes! I have a 12 year old and there's no way I'd let her hang about with your son with a history like that. What if he seriously injures someone? He's your responsibility at 12 years old.

OP it sounds as if the key here is communication.

Your DH went to his dad’s birthday lunch. He wasn’t unreasonable to do that, it’s his father’s 80th and it’s not unreasonable for him to have gone.

But when your ds called to be picked up you called dh assuming that he would be around the corner. Clearly you hadn’t actually agreed on a time he would come back or even discussed it.

Family life is difficult right now, and it’s not unreasonable for him to have relaxed and even enjoyed a bit of a break, and that’s likely why he didn’t think that he should be on a curfew given you didn’t actually discuss it.

As an aside, if your twelve year old is too violent to go to a family dinner, is too violent and out of control to not be trusted to not smash things and fly into violent rages, then he absolutely shouldn’t be out on his own with no adult supervision.

In the same way that you feel your DH was wrong not to come home sooner, you are wrong to let an out of control child out with no adult supervision.

Keep up, Iv already replied to the OP saying this

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.
that’s why. Because your home life is unbearable. Id have stayed the night for a break.

you need to both have decent breaks in this situation. It is important you take breaks too.

Please start the thread again and imagine from a 4 year olds perspective, what it is like to live in a home of domestic violence and how disconcerting it is to be pulled out of your bed having just fallen asleep and put into a car to collect a crying and shouting sibling.

Not exactly Disneyland, our house.

Do now infer that I'm exaggerating anything.
Walk a mile in my bloody shoes.

I didn't really understand your post.

However, you are definitely being very unreasonable to say this about your own, pretty young, child:

we have children, one of whom ... is an awful violent, abusive individual.

You don't sound very nice, though I hope you feel less stressed and all works out well for you soon. Really hope your child has some support from someone caring

It is his father's 80th birthday his father might not be around much longer. Why did you not just take the children out for a while and let them run around in the fresh air to let them burn some energy off? 7pm is not late.

Tell him you don't mind if he stays out to 12am or whatever but it feels less stressful dealing with your 12yr old knowing when he will definitely be at home.
You're not asking him to control the time he spends out but to lower your own stress, if you know when he is coming home and he sticks to it you will be less likely to be angry or in a mood with him? he should appreciate that.

I would have expected OH to have the kids in the morning 100% but I would probably have said this before hand. I think your OH owes you a full day off next weekend. I hope things improve op.

He wasn't at his friends.
and it wasn't for the day.

What are you reading?

He had been out for about an hour with some friends at the park when his arch nemesis turned up.

Ive had all the children for the last 48 hours, stuck in doors because it's been possible g it down.

what posts of mine have you been reading?

Why should he have rushed home from his family to help you out when one child (as planned) was out and the other was in bed? Could he have reasonably foreseen that his son was going to get into trouble?

I think your comment is really harsh.

Obviously if they OP is exposed to violence why should they hide that they think their child is abusive? Caring about their child doesn't mean their own safety and opinions shouldn't matter