I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

Proving stuff as I go along, thank you, you just did it again.

These are the comments you have made that are a problem.

No autistic person is like another autistic person. Some autistic children have violent melt downs. Particularly when you throw in dual diagnosis. Others develop serious mental health disorders. Others cannot access school. Others won’t eat. Others internalise all those violent feelings and self harm. Or don’t eat. Or explode inside. Or trash their rooms. Or cannot form friendships. There is an enormous diverse range of behaviours that you see amongst autistic children and adults. Think back to yourself at 12 and the things you found the hardest. Now imagine someone says “oh I don’t do that, you’re CHOOSING to do that”. It’s short sighted, ignorant and unrealistic.

What is clear from all of this that you have a significant deficit when it comes to cognitive empathy. And likely emotional empathy. Presumably that’s a choice as it’s not something my 10 year old struggles with to the extent that you seem to?

ps. Read the goddamn DSM, ICD and update your training.

Source 1. Just 1.

Why is it a problem though? If we are all different then why is how I communicate a problem?

You are saying just that, you are saying adults choose their behaviour but kids don't. You are not applying YOUR own ideas and are just hypocritical. So if I am not choosing to speak like this then why are YOU not accommodating it as my need?

No it isn't a choice, that is so ignorant of you to say so, I mean all of us are different and sometime we can't help but speak like this to others. Yes I have a great deal of empathy but not to people who are rude to me.

I update myself often on the DSM and ICD maybe you need to update yourself on how they are created, it might teach you something you never knew before! Then you might learn something.

One by Leah Somerville.

Link please.

Actually I didn’t say adults choose their behaviour ands kids don’t. I said kids brains aren’t developed. Adults are. That doesn’t mean their brains aren’t impaired.

If you know your lack of empathy isn’t a choice why don’t you know that a 12 year old isn’t by default making a choice when they lose it at home? In their safe place? A well known behaviour pattern. I’m not taking issue with how you communicate - I am taking issue with what you are communicating.

I thought you had read widely, surely you already read both sides of the coin?

The way you are speaking to me and not accommodating how I am speaking shows that you are saying that.

But why are you taking issue with it if it isn't a choice?

Wtf is going on with this thread, a mum is stressed out close to losing her shit & gets all these weird responses.

Yes she’s unreasonable for some parts but fuckin hell can anyone blame her?

Hope things improve soon op.

I cannot be well read on something that doesn’t exist. You’re the person who says she conducted a study that evidences brains continue to develop. I cannot produce what doesn’t exist. The onus is on you to evidence your claim. But a very quick google shows me she looks at adolescent brains and development. Nothing like what you’ve claimed.

Ah so you do know how to google. Well done, keep going!

Because your degree of impairment means you should not be working with neurodiverse children or giving parents advice on how to support or manage their behaviour. Your disability means you don’t have the capacity and your lack of knowledge means you’re further impaired.

And there we have it “I cannot source it so I will send you on a hunt for a golden goose”. It doesn’t exist. As you well know. I knew this was exactly where we would end up. I would request a source and you inevitably cannot provide one. Much like when I asked you to source the ever changing diagnosis and you suddenly admit it’s not that the change the diagnosis it’s just that you don’t agree with
them.

You’ve dug a hole.

Nope there we have someone too lazy to research because you're scared of what you might read that it shows different to what you think. It shows that there are plateaus before 25 and into 30s and states that maturity for the whole brain is between 30 and never.

Nope not at all, I am making a choice to communicate like this to prove a point and it damn well is proving a point. I have a masters thank you so you just proved you work in the deficit with people with ASD who don't or can't achieve, thank you for proving my point beautifully.

Again, I cannot find what does not exist. If you have it source it. Share the link. If not stop wasting both our time. If I said to you there is a rainbow shark living on the moon and you asked for a source “google it” isn’t a source. You made the claim, it’s on you to evidence the claim.

Hardly. I mean it’s sweet that you think because you’re clearly impaired that means I think all autistic people are, but that is definitely not what I said. I have clearly stated it’s your impairment, not that of autistic people. And I clearly made the point that what one autistic person can or cannot do has nothing to do with another. You are really just providing more evidence for my assessment of you, not autistic people, just you.

Hun, the only thing you've proved is that you're lying through your teeth and have zero understanding of neurology, diagnosis, psychology, or anything else relevant to this thread. We can all see it.

Can people please stop laying into weewillywinkie. Weewilliewinkie has said they don't communicate well and people are just poking and poking.

As it happens, weewillywinkie has some valid points. Somerville's.contribution to understanding brain development is important and relevant. Debates around the DSM and ICD and the way they classify mental illness and neurodevelopmental disorder are important and relevant. Not everyone accepts the word of DSM and ICD as gospel. There is considerabel.debate and criticism in the literature about both of these systems of classification. Not everyone considers the existing research on adolescent brain development as having all the answers and research on brain development continues to grow and offer us more insights.

It's fine for weewilliewinkie to hold a different view from several mumsnetters. It's fine they aren't communicating their view in the best way. They have already explained their communication difficulties.

Please leave weewillywinkie alone. They are allowed to express a view. And stop with all the 'you shouldn't work in the field...' comments., it's not your right to criticise their job choice. Leave them alone. If they r doing a bad job a manager will pull them up on it. Just leave it.

Give the guy a break. Maybe for one day he felt that he was living rather than existing. Your lives sound hard.
Just make sure that you get some time back for you.

Exactly. It's obvious they have no idea what they're talking about, and they've Googled bits and pieces to try and appear experienced, without actually understanding anything.

It’s called masking. It’s not a choice.

Masking is not a choice - correct.

But if you have the ability to mask then you have the ability to control some of the violence.

I'm a massive believer in if you are having to make then your needs aren't being met. No one should be in a situation where they have to manage more than they can.

In this case it seems the ds son has severe issues with social communication and is vulnerable when outside the home alone.

The result of that is he comes home and the mask comes off.

People are questioning whether allowing him out alone to mask and then come home and be abusive to the family are the right choice.

It's not an easy choice and there isn't a right or wrong answer but if you post a thread people will have opinions and will offer advice.

OP isn't in a place right now where she can accept it. She's raging against the world and it does feel like everyone is against you in this situation.

I've been there with my own ds (but he self harmed rather than hurt others).

Proof is the pudding when I've asked OP simple questions because her posts aren't clear due to anger and she's raged at me despite me saying numerous times I've been there and get it.

OP the thing that worked for me was being honest with myself. Making a list of what triggers exist. Making a list of what effect X has and the response (Y).

Then deciding what battles I would fight first. Which X's were things I was willing to happen despite knowing Y would be the outcome.

Then I had my list of things I wouldn't allow to happen or would stand firm on and worked on those things and the emotions around them with ds and how they could be manageable.

The good news is we came through it in the end and ds now competes England in his sport. You just have to take baby steps and pick your battles.

But despite feeling completely unable to control meltdowns in my house, I have never had one outside the privacy of my home. It's like my brain knows there is a boundary that can't be crossed, so I well believe that @Fuckingfumin 's DS isn't violent to anyone outwith his family.

Your whole post was great explanation of masking.

However you say and op has said her ds isn't violent to anyone outside the house.

Yet ...... her dh went alone because apparently her ds will call them cunts and throw chairs at them if they go out for lunch with family.

So he either isn't violent outside the family home or he is.

And if he is there is a risk at some point he won't be able to control it when out alone.

Tough decisions to make

Look through their previous posts. WeeWillieWinkie is a primary school teacher whose views on a previous thread about mental illness are: ‘Mental health labels are made up and not based on anything scientific whereas physical ones are’. I would take anything she says on this thread with a huge pinch of salt. She is not a SEN specialist. She thinks ADHD symptoms could be down to diet, PTSD is made up etc. She is not a hcp and should not be advising others.

Yet she is happy to use ‘labels’ to excuse her own poor communication.

Though she is not the only one here to have an empathy bypass. At least she has a known communication disorder. I am shocked at how many people here cannot ‘read the room’. The OP was not asking for tips on managing her son or navigating care pathways. She was in a state of anger, distress and anxiety and needed support and validation. The (well-meaning or not) advice can come later.