I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

[Fuckingfumin]

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP said she went out to collect him, she said he was now in his room. How is it possible to interpret that in any other way than that she collected him and he was at home at the time she posted? Why would you ask where he is when she has said exactly where he is? There is literally nothing incoherent about her post.

Of course we have all been angry at our children. Most of us don’t go and write stuff such as one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual

Thats bloody an awful way to speak about your child! No excising it. It’s not ok to speak about your own child like that.

No excusing it*

He worked all day Saturday so OP was dealing with all three kids on her own, one of which is prone to violent outbursts. On Sunday, he had plans all afternoon so the one opportunity he had to offer OP some respite, he chose to give himself a lie in instead.

So he was selfish for not doing his fair share of the parenting, for not pulling his weight. He left it all to OP to deal with it all. It was her day off as well and she didn't get to "have a break".

@Tapasgoofy - absolutely agree. I have an SN DS who has extreme behaviour issues which are both sometimes threatening and exhausting but I would never, ever go onto the Internet and write that he was an awful, abusive individual. However the majority of posters do not agree and consider this poster to be some kind of saint.

Her post IS unclear, a very rambled rant, my initial post was explaining why OTHER people were repeatedly asking where the 12 year old "awful violent Individual " was later described as awesome, clever etc, complete 360°description BTW.
I understood the post, it was other posters that didn't and in response the OP got arsey with people.

Having seen some of the recent cases in the news I think any parent or caretaker who starts talking about their child with such contempt and bitter language needs to get some help or respite ASAP before something happens.

@red78hot, FFS have a bit of empathy. OP has had a hellish couple of days, and she has on this thread been met with a load of posters who know nothing about what it is like living with a child like hers but who, on the basis of not even having bothered to read her posts, jump in to attack her. She would have to be a highly unrealistic saint not to react to that.

And there really was absolutely nothing that was unclear about her 12 year old's whereabouts.

If your child was hitting you, throwing chairs and calling you a cunt, how would you describe that?

The OP appears to have made a mistake saying this in AIBU, but if you are not able to describe that kind of behaviour as it is, it is not going to be possible to get the help the family needs.

Just here to give you a virtual hand hold OP, 💐 I’m sorry that you have had some really harsh replies. I can’t imagine how it must feel trying to shield your little one from such scary and unpredictable behaviour in their home that is meant to be their safe place, keep your marriage together and keep your own head above water. I wish some of the people replying could spend a week in your shoes.
I really hope that DS 12 gets the support that he needs soon.
Maybe twice a month you and DH cover for each other on that one day off, while the other one gets a day off to completely relax? Or your 4 year old could go with that parent to have some safe and relaxed time away from DC 12 and one on one time with a parent? That would essentially leave you and DH two days off a month to spend time together which isn’t much but it sounds as if short term something has to change here because you each need a scheduled time when you can switch off without DC 12 around, and your littlest needs to see a happy, relaxed parent and some sense of normalcy too

I've no advice to offer but just want to give you some 💐.

You sound at the end of your rope and I'm wondering when the last time you got some time to yourself.

I cannot fathom what your home life is like but if there is anyway you can swing even just a few hours of me time, please do this.

@Fuckingfumin I've been reading this thread and just wanted to send another voice of support. My ds is younger but I felt like I might be looking into our future, we've had violent behaviour since he was 4 and he can be utterly awful at home but is the sweetest, calmest, most considerate child for the rest of the world. It was only after our sendco listened to what we were telling them and advocated for a camhs referral that I started to realise he had additional needs. The sendco has also on multiple occasions been very straight up with my about their concerns as my DS gets older and bigger - the look on their face when they've done this has made me think very carefully about what our future could look like, and to start trying to put in place support so we hopefully don't reach a time when he's actually dangerous to the rest of the family (so far camhs assess this risk as medium).

I have minimal experience of all this so far but in that short time have received several similar comments to some of those on this thread. People mean well but unfortunately many lack the ability to understand that their experience isn't universal. The poster who implied your son's behaviour is in part because he must know how you really feel about him actually had my chin on the floor. Like the op I love my son utterly and completely; I'm also allowed to say that his home behaviour is frequently awful, scary, and exhausting.

That some posters are reading support, validation and empathy as treating the op like a saint is bewildering to me. If someone comes to you at the end of their tether do you just point out all the things they could have done instead, or do you listen and hear them without judgement? And if you read this and think it must be made up, I think you should be very grateful that you have the privilege of not having experienced anything like the op is going through.

Not one person has described OP as a Saint, give it a rest will you. Talk about kicking someone while they are down. Just because you wouldn’t behave a certain way doesn’t mean someone else is wrong because they do something differently. Are you implying that the way you live your life should set a precedent for everyone else?

May i ask if you have had an almost teenage son call you a cunt, throw chairs at you, scream and God knows what else, possibly for years and possibly every day?

MN is meant to be a safe and supportive community for people in all walks of life going through life’s hurdles, it’s not like OP’s son is sat reading her post.
It she wants to put across how shit she feels and what a desperate situation she is in- which I’m sure feels really cathartic- she can and she should NOT be attacked by snarky people like you.

And in reply to your AIBU, I think yanbu to expect better communication from your husband, I have sympathy with him staying out for longer than anticipated/planned as it's easy to do - even with everything at home - but not communicating with you is the shitty part and I'd be angry as well. I hope you start seeing some change with the new medication soon, and that the other support starts to help you and your son.

Lovely post.
My heart goes out to anyone in this situation.

She was, as I'm sure you're aware, making the point that violent individuals can often have specific targets, eg domestic abusers don't tend to hit their bosses.

You're either being disingenuous in pouncing on this, or you're a bit dense.

Oh op, i feel for you, my Ds was similar, from being young he was always hard work, got expelled from nursery for goodness sake. kicked off regularly called us names, hit out, threatened me with a knife, gave me bruises and a black eye, wished me dead from cancer etc etc. after the turmoil he too sobbed in my arms saying sorry sorry. I honestly dont think i handled things as well as you sound like you are doing and yes he had a younger brother who witnessed all this. We got no support anywhere, school were not bothered as he mainly behaved himself there, all his rage was at home. I did a parenting course which taught me very little i wasn't already trying, he did counselling for anger management, we fought for help a Sw came to visit and said we were a lovely supportive family and they could do nothing 🙄CAHMS eventually saw us and the person we saw said…. Cant diagnose anything so cant give him medication ( not what we were seeking) and he would either grow out of it or end up in prison! So fucking helpful eh. We persevered and kept trying to keep to our rules. in our case there was no diagnosis but i suspect ADHD anyway the upshot is that he grew up into a really lovely man, he is 30 now, still a bit quick to anger but a caring empathetic well liked guy we are very proud of him and have had many grown up conversations with him about his past behaviours and he just says he is grateful that we stuck by him and loved him. No idea what your DS prognosis is but wanted to say stick with it it may turn out ok in the end which is hard to believe when in the midst of things. My only advice is to try to get some respite in some way for yourself if you can, keep your relationship with DH as good as you can (him too obviously) working together is what kept us sane and together, he knows he was out of order leaving you to it alone for so long but when things are calmer have that conversation and try to agree some ground rues that are supportive to both of you. Hope i don't sound patronising i just wanted to share.

You can describe the behaviour to social services without referring to your son as an 'awful, violent, abusive individual'. You can seek support from others on the Internet without using those words. No matter how stressed and tired you have become ..and OP was seemingly sat with a glass of wine by about 9.30 with everyone sleeping so had time to herself at that point and yet continued to vent and swear at randoms on the Internet. Then the tiny few of us who dare to question this set up are set upon with anger and vitriol. Crazy.

Why does the op need to tone down her language

to make others feel more comfortable - that is your issue not hers you do not have to respond the her messages - it’s not about you

we have all felt at sown point negative feelings towards are children thankfully most of us are not in the terrible situation that op is in. The constant worry for her children and she lets off steam and all you can think about is a few words said when it’s obvious the op is close to breaking point

you can love and despise your own child’s behaviour when living under such circumstances trying to protect a younger child these emotions will be familiar to some and that others do feel that same will be a relief

I am hoping that social services would not turn someone away for using words like this. The desperation in the OP is apparent.

The only thing is by Keeping them all cooped up at home and not taking them out is not protecting the 4 year old old it will make things worst. Having saw the impact on another family where this has happened and seeing the affects on another child who is in the 4 year olds position is devestating, it has a huge huge impact on that child's mental health.

Social services definitely need to be involved they all need respite.

Hi everyone. Can we ask for your help in getting this thread back on track, please? Personal attacks and inflammatory posts are not helpful to the OP or indeed anyone who is genuinely trying to help.