Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 11:05

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 10:41

You can describe the behaviour to social services without referring to your son as an 'awful, violent, abusive individual'. You can seek support from others on the Internet without using those words. No matter how stressed and tired you have become ..and OP was seemingly sat with a glass of wine by about 9.30 with everyone sleeping so had time to herself at that point and yet continued to vent and swear at randoms on the Internet. Then the tiny few of us who dare to question this set up are set upon with anger and vitriol. Crazy.

And you know what happens when you downplay and filter?

”you don’t meet threshold”.

fghj149 · 31/07/2023 11:05

I don’t think YABU at all OP. It’s annoying and he should have left a bit earlier. Sounds like you’ve been dealing with a hell of a lot xx

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 11:09

WinterDeWinter · 31/07/2023 10:34

She was, as I'm sure you're aware, making the point that violent individuals can often have specific targets, eg domestic abusers don't tend to hit their bosses.

You're either being disingenuous in pouncing on this, or you're a bit dense.

Show quote history

Why do you feel the need to insult people’s intelligence when they disagree with you?
You’ve done it to more than one poster.

It is not helpful to conflate the behaviour of domestic abusers with children who are ND.

It’s dangerous.

EarthlyNightshade · 31/07/2023 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you saying that he would be looking for more support from them or are you saying it as another attempt to make the OP feel worse?
It's hard to tell.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Helpful.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:11

@JenWillsiam - I know..but clearly the OP isn't downplaying anything. We have support from SS for our son - we fight - but never would we refer to our son as an 'awful, violent, abusive individual'.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 11:11

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:11

@JenWillsiam - I know..but clearly the OP isn't downplaying anything. We have support from SS for our son - we fight - but never would we refer to our son as an 'awful, violent, abusive individual'.

Is he violent? If he is and you’re not telling people that you’re not helping him.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:14

@JenWillsiam - blimey this is hard work..yes our son can be violent ..SS are aware it is in his support plan. However this does not make him 'awful' and he is our son - he is not some 'individual'.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 11:18

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:14

@JenWillsiam - blimey this is hard work..yes our son can be violent ..SS are aware it is in his support plan. However this does not make him 'awful' and he is our son - he is not some 'individual'.

I’m so glad that you’ve never hit the stage of utterly broken and don’t know what to do. Lucky you.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:22

@JenWillsiam - is that all you can say?? I can only assume you think it is okay to refer to a 12 year old child with additional needs as an 'awful individual'. As all parents with children who have complex needs I am exhausted, mainly with fighting the system. Sorry that you will only be satisfied to hear that I might be 'utterly broken'.

EarthlyNightshade · 31/07/2023 11:23

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:11

@JenWillsiam - I know..but clearly the OP isn't downplaying anything. We have support from SS for our son - we fight - but never would we refer to our son as an 'awful, violent, abusive individual'.

It's nitpicky, but she did say "awful violent, abusive..." and not "awful, violent, abusive". I took that to mean the violence was awful not the individual, but I can see that that is open to interpretation.

I am glad that you have found help, and I really do mean that.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 11:27

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:22

@JenWillsiam - is that all you can say?? I can only assume you think it is okay to refer to a 12 year old child with additional needs as an 'awful individual'. As all parents with children who have complex needs I am exhausted, mainly with fighting the system. Sorry that you will only be satisfied to hear that I might be 'utterly broken'.

Yes. That’s all I can say. As a disabled adult, as a parent of two disabled children who’s been there. Who’s been at the end of every tether I’ve ever had I’m not going to expect anything of broken parents. Not a single thing. And there’s not much I won’t forgive.

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 31/07/2023 11:35

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 10:41

You can describe the behaviour to social services without referring to your son as an 'awful, violent, abusive individual'. You can seek support from others on the Internet without using those words. No matter how stressed and tired you have become ..and OP was seemingly sat with a glass of wine by about 9.30 with everyone sleeping so had time to herself at that point and yet continued to vent and swear at randoms on the Internet. Then the tiny few of us who dare to question this set up are set upon with anger and vitriol. Crazy.

Exactly.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:44

@JenWillsiam - well as a disabled parent of two disabled children I am sure you are well versed in the inner workings of the social care system. You say you are at the end of your tether and I sympathise. As a mother of a child with complex needs I can also empathise. I am pleased for you that you can forgive most things and I assume from your post you can forgive someone referring to their 12 year old child with additional needs as an 'awful individual.' You are also happy to insult me for not being totally broken - nice!

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 11:45

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:44

@JenWillsiam - well as a disabled parent of two disabled children I am sure you are well versed in the inner workings of the social care system. You say you are at the end of your tether and I sympathise. As a mother of a child with complex needs I can also empathise. I am pleased for you that you can forgive most things and I assume from your post you can forgive someone referring to their 12 year old child with additional needs as an 'awful individual.' You are also happy to insult me for not being totally broken - nice!

I’m not at the end of my tether. I haven’t been for some time.

I have not insulted you anywhere. Do not lie.

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 31/07/2023 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 31/07/2023 11:53

(Slight derail, but we r at 666 replies!! First time I've seen that on Mumsnet!! So just commenting to mark it!! 🤣😈✌️🎇)

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:57

@JenWillsiam ..so you're not totally broken ameanoldscene 'Lucy you!' Hope you don't talk to people like this irl. I am taking your advice and giving up @HungoverBeforeDrunk .

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 12:00

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:57

@JenWillsiam ..so you're not totally broken ameanoldscene 'Lucy you!' Hope you don't talk to people like this irl. I am taking your advice and giving up @HungoverBeforeDrunk .

No. Not anymore. Being broken and drowning is a permanent state. Things can and do get better.

Lucky you is not an insult. It’s a statement because you are lucky to have not reached the depths of the Op. lucky you because you’ve maintained a position where you judge others. That’s not me insulting you. It’s a simple statement. Just like I am lucky to have come out the other side. Only for me I was able to take away that you don’t judge people until you’ve walked in their shoes. Plus I’m very aware that we could quite easily find ourselves not ok again.

Ironically the only person who has got personal, who I have deliberately ignored you’ve now decided to align with. That says a lot.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 12:01

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 12:00

No. Not anymore. Being broken and drowning is a permanent state. Things can and do get better.

Lucky you is not an insult. It’s a statement because you are lucky to have not reached the depths of the Op. lucky you because you’ve maintained a position where you judge others. That’s not me insulting you. It’s a simple statement. Just like I am lucky to have come out the other side. Only for me I was able to take away that you don’t judge people until you’ve walked in their shoes. Plus I’m very aware that we could quite easily find ourselves not ok again.

Ironically the only person who has got personal, who I have deliberately ignored you’ve now decided to align with. That says a lot.

Show quote history

Not a permanent state 🤦🏼‍♀️

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 31/07/2023 12:02

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 11:57

@JenWillsiam ..so you're not totally broken ameanoldscene 'Lucy you!' Hope you don't talk to people like this irl. I am taking your advice and giving up @HungoverBeforeDrunk .

And she desperately needs to have the last word!! 😉 ....as per her next post!! Sensible to leave ameanoldscene :) (I have left too but can't help dipping back!)

ReyFinn · 31/07/2023 12:02

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 11:27

Yes. That’s all I can say. As a disabled adult, as a parent of two disabled children who’s been there. Who’s been at the end of every tether I’ve ever had I’m not going to expect anything of broken parents. Not a single thing. And there’s not much I won’t forgive.

Show quote history

Agreed, I understand what you're saying completely. Certain posters are just wanting to pick holes for the sake of it, best ignored.

One of them has said she's leaving the thread at least twice yet can't help themselves 🙄

Hope your day is going much better, OP, and the vipers didn't make you feel even worse. I suspect you're made of stronger stuff though! Best wishes.

Stickytoastandhoney · 31/07/2023 12:05

AnchorWHAT · 31/07/2023 10:37

Oh op, i feel for you, my Ds was similar, from being young he was always hard work, got expelled from nursery for goodness sake. kicked off regularly called us names, hit out, threatened me with a knife, gave me bruises and a black eye, wished me dead from cancer etc etc. after the turmoil he too sobbed in my arms saying sorry sorry. I honestly dont think i handled things as well as you sound like you are doing and yes he had a younger brother who witnessed all this. We got no support anywhere, school were not bothered as he mainly behaved himself there, all his rage was at home. I did a parenting course which taught me very little i wasn't already trying, he did counselling for anger management, we fought for help a Sw came to visit and said we were a lovely supportive family and they could do nothing 🙄CAHMS eventually saw us and the person we saw said…. Cant diagnose anything so cant give him medication ( not what we were seeking) and he would either grow out of it or end up in prison! So fucking helpful eh. We persevered and kept trying to keep to our rules. in our case there was no diagnosis but i suspect ADHD anyway the upshot is that he grew up into a really lovely man, he is 30 now, still a bit quick to anger but a caring empathetic well liked guy we are very proud of him and have had many grown up conversations with him about his past behaviours and he just says he is grateful that we stuck by him and loved him. No idea what your DS prognosis is but wanted to say stick with it it may turn out ok in the end which is hard to believe when in the midst of things. My only advice is to try to get some respite in some way for yourself if you can, keep your relationship with DH as good as you can (him too obviously) working together is what kept us sane and together, he knows he was out of order leaving you to it alone for so long but when things are calmer have that conversation and try to agree some ground rues that are supportive to both of you. Hope i don't sound patronising i just wanted to share.

This ^^is exactly what you need, someone you can talk with who has been in your situation, a place where you can vent without judgement and get support and advice. If there isn’t support group near you try starting one. Maybe your sons key worker could help here. Anyway just wanted to to say I’ve been there and it’s okay to vent without judgement 💛

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 31/07/2023 12:05

ReyFinn · 31/07/2023 12:02

Agreed, I understand what you're saying completely. Certain posters are just wanting to pick holes for the sake of it, best ignored.

One of them has said she's leaving the thread at least twice yet can't help themselves 🙄

Hope your day is going much better, OP, and the vipers didn't make you feel even worse. I suspect you're made of stronger stuff though! Best wishes.

Show quote history

Can't help myself! Tis true! Though slightly unfair that every person who has so far disagreed with @ReyFinn and @JenWillsiam has ended up being put down and backed into a corner, or forced to leave the thread! Don't worry, I'm leaving again (though might take a sneaky peak again tonight. Hope that's ok with you both??)

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 12:09

ReyFinn · 31/07/2023 12:02

Agreed, I understand what you're saying completely. Certain posters are just wanting to pick holes for the sake of it, best ignored.

One of them has said she's leaving the thread at least twice yet can't help themselves 🙄

Hope your day is going much better, OP, and the vipers didn't make you feel even worse. I suspect you're made of stronger stuff though! Best wishes.

Show quote history

And despite no engagement continues to comment and tag me. It’s almost like she cannot stay away and has to have the last word whilst consistently ignoring what people are actually doing. Standing by the vulnerable struggling OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread