Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I'm fucking livid. Am I allowed to be livid? Because I am.

701 replies

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 19:30

Did I mentioned that im livid?

Both DH and I work full time.
he works Saturdays.

we have children, one of whom has additional needs and is an awful violent, abusive individual.
We are getting support from psychiatrists and we have a key worker. You may link this to my previous threads.

Its my FIL's 80th, we were all supposed to go to theirs 1.5 hours away for a surprise lunch.

Only DH went because we didn't want a violent outburst our 12 year old and for him to call us all cunts and possibly throw a chair at us, like he does.

So DH decided he would go alone.

He was planning on leaving at 11am.

He didn't bother hauling his arse out of bed until 9.30am.

Tonigbt I'm putting the smallest to bed, he's asleep and 12 year old calls me in tears asking me to collect him as his bully has just punched him repeatedly in the head.

I call DH thinking it's 7pm so he must be round the corner as it's quite late.

no, he's just left.

So I have to wake up and drag out a crying pre-schooler to rescue the other one Who is now throwing things round his room in a rage as per.

Im absolutely livid that DH has just left.

Why the fuck did he need to stay until 7pm? When he knows full fucking well what it's like here.

You go for a birthday lunch, you leave by 5, 6 latest surely??

OP posts:
ReyFinn · 31/07/2023 07:37

itsgettingweird · 31/07/2023 07:26

It’s called masking. It’s not a choice.

Masking is not a choice - correct.

But if you have the ability to mask then you have the ability to control some of the violence.

I'm a massive believer in if you are having to make then your needs aren't being met. No one should be in a situation where they have to manage more than they can.

In this case it seems the ds son has severe issues with social communication and is vulnerable when outside the home alone.

The result of that is he comes home and the mask comes off.

People are questioning whether allowing him out alone to mask and then come home and be abusive to the family are the right choice.

It's not an easy choice and there isn't a right or wrong answer but if you post a thread people will have opinions and will offer advice.

OP isn't in a place right now where she can accept it. She's raging against the world and it does feel like everyone is against you in this situation.

I've been there with my own ds (but he self harmed rather than hurt others).

Proof is the pudding when I've asked OP simple questions because her posts aren't clear due to anger and she's raged at me despite me saying numerous times I've been there and get it.

OP the thing that worked for me was being honest with myself. Making a list of what triggers exist. Making a list of what effect X has and the response (Y).

Then deciding what battles I would fight first. Which X's were things I was willing to happen despite knowing Y would be the outcome.

Then I had my list of things I wouldn't allow to happen or would stand firm on and worked on those things and the emotions around them with ds and how they could be manageable.

The good news is we came through it in the end and ds now competes England in his sport. You just have to take baby steps and pick your battles.

The OP started a thread to vent about her husband pulling a bit of a dick move.

She didn't ask to be interrogated, judged and patronised.

Surely there have been times in your life you just needed to vent, and not be given 'solutions' and made to feel worse?

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 07:37

*WunWun · Yesterday 20:36

Do you imagine that everyone who commits domestic abuse punches everyone they meet in the street and friends too?

Peopl, including children, unfortunately lash out at home because that's where they feel safe to do it*

Can we not try to push the narrative that domestic abusers are people who are overwhelmed in life so go home and release this on someone they feel safe to do so?

Weregoingthroughchanges · 31/07/2023 07:38

I think people are giving advice re her son as that the issue is not her husband going out for the day it’s that her son/she is at a point of crisis. I really hope the support can be put in place for them all.

However I think I recognise her from another thread and bold statements and language in the OP set the tone for the thread, she then goes on to say she’s actually a highly qualified person on the field of helping SEN families which at that stage is mostly ignored and she gets more annoyed.

itsgettingweird · 31/07/2023 07:40

Surely there have been times in your life you just needed to vent, and not be given 'solutions' and made to feel worse?

Nope. I understand if I choose to vent at people then they will offer advice. I also understand it's my choice to take the advice or not.

I've never been rude to people who are gracious enough to listen to my rants and venting and then offer me what they think will be helpful suggestions.

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 07:46

Op, you might find it helpful to have regular contact with a counsellor.
Counsellors just listen without offering advice or opinion. It’s a good place to vent.
Mumsnet isn’t designed to do this. It’s natural for people to want to advise on here.

supersonicginandtonic · 31/07/2023 07:50

@MerinoCashmere I thought I recognised the username. Quite worrying she's a primary school teacher.

Glenthebattleostrich · 31/07/2023 07:52

Morning OP. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are this morning. The lack of understanding on this thread has been truly astounding and you have been given a really tough time.

I work in a support role in a support role in a secondary school and am truly disgusted by the lack of support for our kids in general. Not from the school but the lack of anything in outside areas because of funding.

You reference ADHD and ODD in some of your messages and I wanted to talk about one of our kiddos with these. She is now on medication and it took about 3 weeks to see an improvement. Now she is showing how lovely she can be. Don't get me wrong she's still a bugger to deal with but the violence has calmed down and she can be brought back down using 'her' techniques. All the kids needs are different and how we calm them needs to be differentiated as I'm sure you know.

Does your 4 year old get any additional support? Is she registered as a young carer? That makes all the difference. Again, sorry if this is something you've done, just a thought. I'm sure you'll make her school/nursery aware and they will be able to support too hopefully.

Lastly, I did ask before but what support are you getting? You need some, because you are dealing with so so much. What breaks do you get?

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:06

HungoverBeforeDrunk · 31/07/2023 05:12

Can people please stop laying into weewillywinkie. Weewilliewinkie has said they don't communicate well and people are just poking and poking.

As it happens, weewillywinkie has some valid points. Somerville's.contribution to understanding brain development is important and relevant. Debates around the DSM and ICD and the way they classify mental illness and neurodevelopmental disorder are important and relevant. Not everyone accepts the word of DSM and ICD as gospel. There is considerabel.debate and criticism in the literature about both of these systems of classification. Not everyone considers the existing research on adolescent brain development as having all the answers and research on brain development continues to grow and offer us more insights.

It's fine for weewilliewinkie to hold a different view from several mumsnetters. It's fine they aren't communicating their view in the best way. They have already explained their communication difficulties.

Please leave weewillywinkie alone. They are allowed to express a view. And stop with all the 'you shouldn't work in the field...' comments., it's not your right to criticise their job choice. Leave them alone. If they r doing a bad job a manager will pull them up on it. Just leave it.

Sorry no - what they’ve said about the OPs sons behaviour being a choice because he only does it at home is a huge problem and is a very harmful position. That view should be challenged. it’s nothing to do with communication style.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 08:09

MerinoCashmere · 31/07/2023 07:30

Look through their previous posts. WeeWillieWinkie is a primary school teacher whose views on a previous thread about mental illness are: ‘Mental health labels are made up and not based on anything scientific whereas physical ones are’. I would take anything she says on this thread with a huge pinch of salt. She is not a SEN specialist. She thinks ADHD symptoms could be down to diet, PTSD is made up etc. She is not a hcp and should not be advising others.

Yet she is happy to use ‘labels’ to excuse her own poor communication.

Though she is not the only one here to have an empathy bypass. At least she has a known communication disorder. I am shocked at how many people here cannot ‘read the room’. The OP was not asking for tips on managing her son or navigating care pathways. She was in a state of anger, distress and anxiety and needed support and validation. The (well-meaning or not) advice can come later.

Show quote history

Now that explains everything!

jeaux90 · 31/07/2023 08:28

OP just to say I think he was unreasonable to be out that long considering the situation at home.

My DD14 has ADHD and ASD and her medication has helped enormously. You mentioned up thread that his behaviour has got a lot worse since starting secondary school.

My DD couldn't cope with the noise, large classes etc of her primary. Her behaviour was really bad at home as she was just completely overwhelmed and I got to a point where decompressing didn't work.

She is now in a small secondary school, class sizes of 12 etc and it has dramatically helped. I don't know if an alternative school is an option for you but see how the medication works first of course.

Lastly, some of the posters on the thread have given me the rage. They have no idea what it's like. Hope you have a better day.

red78hot · 31/07/2023 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WinterDeWinter · 31/07/2023 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WinterDeWinter · 31/07/2023 08:52

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 07:37

*WunWun · Yesterday 20:36

Do you imagine that everyone who commits domestic abuse punches everyone they meet in the street and friends too?

Peopl, including children, unfortunately lash out at home because that's where they feel safe to do it*

Can we not try to push the narrative that domestic abusers are people who are overwhelmed in life so go home and release this on someone they feel safe to do so?

That is cynical and disingenuous- you must know that’s is not the point this poster was making.

this is not a game, you know. Not an amusing battle of wits. It’s someone’s very difficult life.

billy1966 · 31/07/2023 08:53

You poor women that sounds so hard.

No advice, just enormous sympathy for you.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 31/07/2023 08:56

He didn’t do anything wrong. He slept in til 9:30 and visited elderly relatives until 7?! So?!

I also don’t think you needed to let the 12 year old out alone?

WinterDeWinter · 31/07/2023 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Back atcha. If you think she’s not genuine then don’t comment - report it. Troll hunting is against mn rules as I’m sure you know, precisely because it can be so hurtful to people in genuine need.

ameanoldscene · 31/07/2023 09:02

@WinterDeWinter - 'back atcha' - wow, just wow..get something better to do. Thought this thread was about the OP not you.

GrinAndVomit · 31/07/2023 09:04

WinterDeWinter · 31/07/2023 08:52

That is cynical and disingenuous- you must know that’s is not the point this poster was making.

this is not a game, you know. Not an amusing battle of wits. It’s someone’s very difficult life.

Show quote history

Sorry. You’re going to have to break it down how I’m being disingenuous.
I used the post in its entirety. I replied to it using the same context.

It’s an incredibly damaging narrative to try to find common ground between domestic abusers and children who are masking their ND needs.

EarthlyNightshade · 31/07/2023 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Have you never been angry with your child and then got over it?
I get annoyed with mine for filling his room with cereal bowls and not coming home on time - then a while later he is funny and caring and all fine again.

It should be ok to vent on a forum and it should be reasonable to realise that although the post was in AIBU, the poster is needing support and not to have everything torn apart.
Some of the posts on here are appalling (not this one judging by the standards of many others). I guess some people are not able to support others but also not able to scroll by without posting.

I hope things are better today, OP. I've been thinking about you and your family and hope you get the support you need.

ChristAndHisBike · 31/07/2023 09:16

OP, firstly I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I've been where you are, very similar diagnosis for my own son. I recognise os much of what you've said, from the sheer mortification of public meltdowns, and the stress on relationships, to the sadness and remorse felt afterwards by a child who - despite everything- is still a loved and funny and bright human that you cherish.

I can also relate to the masses of well-meaning but utterly misguided 'advice' from people who want to help in some way but are sadly clueless, and also the twattery from people that just want to blame you for the situation when actually, you're the one desperately trying to hold it together and stopping it all from going totally nuclear.

I know how hard it is. My own mental health took a complete battering and has never really recovered. One thing that helped us all was residential school, but that was only facilitated because my DS couldn't cope at school, either, and was excluded. It took a year of me fighting to get it out in place, and that was with a SW and disabilities team (thankfully) on our side. Holidays and weekends were often testing, but the routine and structure helped him massively. But I appreciate that's not necessarily the answer in your situation.

Have you had a carer's assessment? I believe you'd be eligible for one (and it sounds like you know the system pretty well) I'm not sure if this would prove helpful (our local carers support offers things like afternoon teas when really I could do with therapy, lol 😭) but it might give you some space to think about yourself and what you need.

I won't tell you to stay strong or offer other platitudes, because you and I both know you have no choice but to stay strong, for your son, and your family. But please do try to keep something back for yourself, even if it's just a blessed hour of wine and SATC. Sending love and solidarity to you.

GrannypantsMagee · 31/07/2023 09:23

Fuckingfumin · 30/07/2023 22:26

I never came here for advice on my child, to be challenged or have suggestions.

I came on here to ask if I was being unreasonably livid about my husband.

Show quote history

If I was you, which I'm not, I'd be really angry with husband but probably not fucking livid. You're both dealing with a highly stressful situation. You sound like you're doing an amazing job of fighting for support. But you're human, you and husband need to breathe every now and then. He had his opportunity and he took it. So I'd be angry but kind of understand that. What I don't understand, unless I read this wrong, is why he couldn't take the four year old with him? That I'd be pissed off about, why leave the younger child out of a family meal, for you to deal with both at home?

red78hot · 31/07/2023 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 31/07/2023 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How did you think he managed to get into his room if he didn't come home.

He was out. He rang OP. OP woke up younger child. OP went out to collect older child and they came home. Older child is now (or was when the post was written) throwing things around in his room.

I don't see what was confusing...