Partner, chronic illness, resentment

[Sundaybleugh]

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

@JibbaJab

After it first happened he had much more obvious signs of distress. Paranoia. Physically jumping at noises. Cognitive difficulties.

He calmed down, and then came the fibromyalgia. Sore wrists at first. Sore fingers. Tiredness. It escalated and escalated.

Now he's able to do very complex thinking but it tires him and drains him because he says he's always got brain fog.

Like you say, he's 24/7 alert. His exact words are that he feels like he's waiting for a bomb to explode overhead at any moment.

I know everyone is saying to leave and they're probably right but I know that's going to be difficult. I'm in a similar situation although I have now backed off significantly and we have our own separate lives.

I just couldn't take it anymore - it was so draining all the time. H does do this with some other people but it's not as bad as with me - but now I just walk off. I know that's rude and harsh but I have to practice self preservation.

Disabled people aren't exempt from being abusers.

@Scandipandi when it first started I'd reason with him - because the negativity is irrational. Then I'd realise he didn't respond to reason so now I just try and distracted him by talking about a pleasant topic, or I tell him I'm going out / blocking him because his ranting is upsetting me. He always apologises and stops after I've exited for a few hours.

Yeah just like that and for me I buzzed internally everywhere along with that feeling like I was going to explode myself.

At the end of the day you can't help him if he won't take action himself. However, if you haven't experienced it then it's hard to understand. It's not always a case of you want to feel or be like that. Sometimes you are not aware and others you are so low on energy it's like there is nothing else available and that's where the negative and irritated side comes out.

I tried every medication thrown at me and it didn't touch anything and just made things worse. In the end the doctors abandoned me because they couldn't figure it out.

I could do complex tasks and that involved computers and I soon realised, too much thinking or concentrating overloaded me and especially computer screens. I had to reduce my time in one or two hours stints then go away from screens for a while.

Maybe say to him look this isn't viable, you care but you can't continue like this and neither can he. Say, look there's another guy who's been through it and is out the other side and it can happen but it won't unless you figure out what it is that's causing it and deal with it. It's likely connected to that event he witnessed and he needs to deal with it. Talk he needs to talk, let it out and most importantly rest and heal.

It sounds as if he is hooking you back in every time you walk off or ignore him by apologising and telling you he loves you. He knows he’s gone too far and is probably terrified you will leave for good. I wouldn’t stand for it. It’s not dismissing his mental health problems but you aren’t the person to sort them out. He owes it to himself and to you to seek further help. Lots of helpful ideas here but he needs to do it, not you.

@JibbaJab thank you

To everyone else. I think leaving for a while so he has the space to make this decision for himself is a good idea. I think I'm a crutch, an outlet, and when I'm away he'll be able to step outside of this and see the wood.

However, leaving him wouldn't make me happy. That might not be what is fashionable or cool or even "healthy", but I love this person and we're ultimately going to have each other's back's always.

I know he's not being a "good partner" or meeting my needs but he's sick and I think frightened so I'm going to try some much tougher love, but it'll still be love.

On his worst day he's still the best person.

Sorry!

@Zepherine I used to think that and it made me angry. Now I see its more like a compulsion he can't stop. He is happy for me to cut him off or leave because he doesn't want to harm me but he can't stop. He needs some kind of help to be able to stop and I understand its his responsibility to find the courage

Your partner is very very traumatised. He is psychiatrically unwell. The fibromyalgia is all a result of his mental state.

He has to undergo treatment (drugs and therapy) in order to start recovering. There's just no two ways about it.

That being said, he is using you as his punching bag. He might not be fully aware of it, but he is being abusive and manipulative. Look what he's done to you.

You need to leave, or he needs to get himself treated - or both.

@Sundaybleugh I have long covid or fibromyalgia- I honestly couldn't say which . I have all the symptoms of fibro but some days are worse than others and it also started shortly after I had covid and my 4th vaccine.

What I have found though is I feel improved in a quiet non stressful environment, so it's easier to cope with pain or weird sensations lying quietly on the bed doing deep breathing excercises with some chilled music and an ice pack at the back of my neck and read a book followed by a few simple stretching and calm physio excercises . Ranting and shouting is the worst possible thing for booting up his adrenalin constantly and causing flare ups. I think he needs to see someone experienced in PTSD, a physical therapist and I can't help but think some beta blockers or anti depressants might help in the short term . I rarely say it but I honestly think he's borderline needing sectioning with this kind of behaviour - we don't use the expression these days but it sounds like a total nervous breakdown. The problem is he's giving you one as well .

I think you need to say that his issues are making you unwell and you need to take some time away to de stress and he needs to seek mental and physical help to get him out the rut and that if he doesn't you will feel he is quite happy making you unhappy. Whilst you are away you are probably doing him a favour as he will have no one to actually rant to and might have to learn some internal coping mechanisms rather than simply dumping his anguish on you. And do tell him that if he constantly sends you rolling news of his anguish he will be blocked.

This sounds incredibly difficult op, my husband has chronic health problems- fibromyalgia, digestive issues (suspected coeliac), chronic fatigue, insomnia, doesn’t like being around a lot of people, struggles with social anxiety etc.

We went through a very difficult patch a few years back, the constant moaning, nothing was ever right etc. It’s so very hard to remain supportive and upbeat when some is draining the life out of you.

we had quite a few falling outs. In the end I’d just calmly said things like ‘I’m really sorry you’re struggling but I’m not sure how else I can help or support you right now’. I’d then carry on with whatever I was doing. He eventually realised that he was the only person who could change how he felt about everything, we had exhausted every option from CBT to meds, vitamins to meditation.

Finally he is at the ‘acceptance’ part in his life. It’s a challenge but we’ve managed to make it work. He works for himself from home, he has a siesta most afternoons (he’s very iron deficient and can’t physically or mentally cope by 3pm). We plan things sometimes but he knows the expectation from me is ‘no pressure’ so if he’s having a bad day, I am mentally prepared that he might not be able follow through with plans and there’s no argument- ironically because he doesn’t feel any pressure more often than not he feels he can ‘cope’ with whatever activity or outing we have planned. Otherwise we take each day as it comes.

He no longer moans incessantly and can now laugh at himself for being ‘special’ (his word).

you need to find a way to stop letting him effect your mental state and he needs to accept what he’s dealing with and have the confidence to come out the other side.

If you can both navigate this, you’ll both pull through and learn to laugh with each other again. Wish you both the best of luck 🤞

So, it is screamingly obvious to me, reading this thread, that everything he (and you) are going through stems from this one traumatic incident that he witnessed however long ago it was.

He has almost certainly developed PTSD as a response to this and then the fibromyalgia has developed - also as a response to this. You are trying FODMAP/plant based diet etc etc etc, but none of this is going to help unless the trauma of the original incident is dealt with.

From his point of view, dealing with the original incident is extremely scary (he would have to relive the incident for EMDR to work) and so he finds it easier to continue with the status quo - this is why he is so reluctant to seek help for it.

However, he is dragging you down - you are not responsible for his happiness - no-one is responsible for another person's happiness (except potentially in the case of dependant children). You say you have left him before, but gone back when he promises to seek help.

I think that if you want things to improve, you are probably going to have to bite the bullet and be cruel to be kind - leave him again, but this time, don't go back until he has actually sought help. You and he cannot carry on like this - you are bearing the brunt of his frustration and anger, and feel that you don't want to make it worse, but he can't possibly be happy with the way things are. If you are too entrenched into this to be able to see the wood for the trees, then I would recommend you get counselling for yourself as well.

Good luck

I think it's time to use assertiveness techniques like the broken record.

Every single text, every complaint and out burst you respond with

'You have PTSD. You need professional help. I can't help you there.'

Or whatever wording suits you.

And simply repeat it in the same words and the same tone of voice every time, neutral, calm, not engaging, not trying to reason or calm him down. And walk away / switch off phone / go back to what you were doing.

Sounds like he has PTSD and needs help for that.

*So, it is screamingly obvious to me, reading this thread, that everything he (and you) are going through stems from this one traumatic incident that he witnessed however long ago it was.

He has almost certainly developed PTSD as a response to this and then the fibromyalgia has developed - also as a response to this.*

@Jadebanditchillipepper is spot on. However it's not necessary to relive the trauma to put it to bed. Send him this video if you think he'll actually watch it;

s

Another woman writing her life off for a man who won't help himself. Nothing to see here.

I hope you do make the 'temporary' move, and that it becomes permanent once you have the benefit of viewing the situation from a distance.

In your situation I would really push him to get help from someone who specialises in PTSD.

I want to give you one small piece of advice for the fibromyalgia.My husband has had this for many years now but the one thing that helps at night is a weighted blanket.I know this won’t help the ptsd,but it will go some way to relieving the fibromyalgia..

I have read a lot of the thread and your replies.

You have my sympathies, I have a DH who is generally lovely in every respect - apart from being very negative at times. He dislikes crowds, buses, travellers, immigrants, brexit, seagulls, and there is usually a few rants everyday about one or other things, and when things goes wrong its the end of the world and somehow its always his fault because he is such a failure. It can be draining at times.

I have started to say that he is entitled to deal with his frustrations however he wants, its not my place to say what is a correct response or what isnt. But, I have the right to handle his behaviours however I want to.

In your shoes, I would be saying to him that I understand him blah blah, and sympathise with how he feels blah blah, BUT in order to support him I need to be supporting ME. And I would be going off to your other property for a couple of weekends. It sounds like underneath all this crap, he is still a nice guy who does want the best for you, he just loses sight of it all.

Well nothing will change then and you're going to spend your life shackled to an abuser.

And everyone here is totally wasting their time trying to help you 🙄

It's not always as clear cut as someone being abusive. OP already stated they were fine before the traumatic event.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone but if you're ever unfortunate enough to fall sick in this way, you would understand how difficult and life changing it is.

Yes it's not OP role to put up with it but the decent thing is to help someone who is clearly struggling to come to terms with it rather than throw them under the bus, considering they've been together a fair amount of time.

For me, this was actually the thing that in the end (after 20+ years) got me to leave. I really understood at last that I would never ever want someone I loved to live the way I was living. I would never want to do to someone I loved what was being done to me. And yes, the reason was valid and yes they couldn't help it. They couldn't help it; only I could help it.

It's kind of irrelevant that he was fine before the traumatic event, though.

OP is now in a relationship with a man who is abusive. He shouts, slams things around and screams on a daily basis. OP, by her own admission, is miserable and spends large amounts of time in tears or just feeling numb.

I do understand it's difficult but being sick is not an excuse to treat your partner like shit. He has a responsibility to get better and he isn't doing that. OP shouldn't waste her life with someone that behaves this way, no matter what the reason. Life is too short.

If he was fine before then
Chances are that with therapy he will be fine again
If he chooses not to take therapy or anything to try to recover then op is right to leave until he does
And if he cannot recover , op is not obliged to live in a way that is destroying her.

Yeah I get where you're coming from, it's not right to put up with that. As I said he needs to stop being in denial and sort it out, which is clearly issues with trauma and not dealing with those issues. However, having experienced it myself there is a possibility he isn't quite in his right mind and that's where he needs support to deal with it.

But yeah if he just flat out refuses to seek help and it's been a long time to no avail then it's flogging a dead horse and is being selfish, abusive as a result. Can't help someone who won't help themselves.