Partner, chronic illness, resentment

[Sundaybleugh]

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

We have two houses now. Do I just go and live I the other one by myself?

Yes! For now at least. You seriously need to think about yourself for once. Seriously.
Or you’ll become this other person and you won’t remember who you are anymore and can’t come back to being you.

Go. And then have a proper shower, put on clean clothes and drag your arse out and do something even if it is just going to a cafe or cinema.

He can pick which house he wants to stay in.

When he “acts like nothing happened “ that is dissociation. OP you are not a therapist and its not necessary for you to do a therapist’s job! It is hard work to work with people with severe PTSD! It is slow, difficult work—even EMDR!—esp because if the dissociative aspect.

You do not have to diagnose and rediagnose him. His resistance to getting help is part of the problem. But you can’t solve it by knowing more. He needs a trauma specialist. That person will have experience with the kind of screen if negativity he throws up. They will not try to blame you or problem solve for him. The problem is his trauma response not you, the noise, the coworkers or the other stuff he bitches about.
Dont let him use you as a stress relief toy or a dumping ground. Every time he complains to you he relieves some of his existential angst but he transfers it to you without fixing the source of the problem. Tell him “I won’t have these conversations ir texts with you again.” If you have complaints take them to a therapist.” Then just leave/block when he starts. No one changes except when the pain of doing nothing gets to be harder than the pain of change.

This. Because it can’t go on.

OP, it's time for some self care. On planes they tell you to fasten your own oxygen mask before trying to help someone else - reads like you've given him your mask as well as his own. You're exhausted.

It must be awful for him. It's so obvious as many have identified that he has untreated PTSD from whatever he saw. It has damaged him profoundly and its effects are multiple and deep.

His refusal to do the one thing he needs to do, which is to acknowledge he has suffered mental trauma, is the blockage preventing him from healing. He needs expert specialised psychiatric help, not a GP. And not you.

And until he seeks that, he will continue to suffer physical and mental distress - and to inflict that distress on you as the only audience / target. This will only get worse.

As others have said, you're not his doctor, carer, mother, support animal - you're his partner and you're suffering from him.

Time to make it about you, too. It seems distancing yourself could help, if only for a while. Take up that other house and have some peaceful nights and mornings for some self care. Make showers and baths luxurious and comfortable.

Switch your phone off during your work day so you can focus on something other than him.

Speak at fixed times in the day so you can be geared up and ready to deal with it all, not at his whim.

I'd suggest you write to him. Set out what you've said to us; this was a practice run.

Remind him there are two in the relationship and you have rights too.

Explain exactly and clearly what his behaviour is doing to you, the effects on your health.

Do you want to continue with the realtionship? If yes, set out your requirements - that he needs psychiatric help and refusing to seek it is a relationship breaker.

If not - tell him.

And don't let it slide. You shouldn't have to do this but it's your only option for both your sakes.

@Mygosh not offended at all lovely, just explaining I didn't see a point.

@Pugdogmom if it were as simple as that I'd have just let him stay home on bad days. The trouble is he's sort of desperate to be constantly on the go. He is like a caged lion at home. So weekends became an ordeal.

He'd wake up early, in pain and desperate to go out, but then the noise, crowds, traffic would make him visibly shaken and very frustrated so it wasn't fun.

I thought getting our country house would mean we'd have easy access to the outdoors, peace and quiet etc. Time will tell as we've only had it a month and not fully settled yet.

Any changes of routine, travelling, lack of sleep... basically anything can set him off. He cant relax and just rest and "be". I wish he could.

I think that's partly his nervous system but partly because we used to be extremely active. Hiking. Sailing. I think he's grieving that he feels he can't do those things now.

Three years ago he was doing marathons and now he can barely make the stairs.

I feel all the time like I'm hyperventilating. He can't relax so he makes me feel rushed and nervous like it's a complete emergency to wake up early and go on some trek where he's going to be moaning and in pain.

We do still have fun. It's just glimpses though.

He doesn't behave this way at work, so I am sorry, but he is doing this at home because he can

Get yourself to a counsellor op

You cannot continue
You cannot cure him
Depression fallout is real look.it up
I've left several times and he is desperate for me pto come back and promises he'll get help then doesn't do it

So you need to leave and tell him to get help and then in few months you talk if he has gotten help and tried to turn this around

He doesn't listen to you when you complain about how his moods and temper affects you.
You equally aren't listening to the majority of posters here when they say get out and move on with your life.
He's ruining your life for you by not considering you and failing to take responsibility for his own recovery.

Yes, agree. You must get away from him.

Even a trained therapist would break down spending 24/7.

And i still say he could control himself if he wanted to. Does he scream in Tesco? Or only around you??

If he lost the use of his legs he'd go to professional rehab to learn how to cope.

This should be no different but he's using OP as his dumping ground.

OP, three years of enabling him has harmed you and not helped him. Right?

He does actually sometimes scream in tesco.

I am listening to people.

He screams on trains. On buses. I try and avoid completely any situations where it might be noisy or crowded if he's having a bad day.

It's been three years but I've spent a lot of that confused. I thought he must be dying because he felt so bad. Doctor after doctor. I was convinced he must have some kind of cancer eating his bones to explain the agony and why he can't move sometimes.

It's not been a straight forward journey.

You desperately need to see a counselor.

Is there something in your background that compels you to sacrifice your life in this manner?

Good luck 💐

Fibro can be triggered by trauma as it activates permanent fight or flight mode. You say you're doing diet but how far have you gone with it? He needs to have minimum carbs, minimal sugar, cut out seed oils. Have plenty of protein and healthy fats, it's not easy to do this at first but becomes "normal" after a while

Things we do:

No gluten
No dairy
Low fodmap (he swells up abdominally)
Supplements of all kinds
We eat relatively vegan.
No booze

He does drink lucoxade constantly to keep awake.

We do hydrotherapy, massage, oils , meditation, heated blankets, and one of those tens pens.

We tried exercise...he felt no better and no worse.

He hasn't tried the physio yet but that's all the GP has referred him to.

His pain isn't helped by painkillers.

I'm completely accidentally lying. Tiredness. We eat lots of chicken and fish and rice and low fodmap veggies.

The only thing is sugar
We can try cutting that

Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

I've had chronic health issues for 20 years including fibromyalgia I try and always look on the bright side and never scream at anyone.

Your DH is abusing you.

Perhaps he could look into LDN as a treatment for fatigue, fibromyalgia, ptsd and anxiety, been life changing for me.

I suspect his physical difficulties are not the issue though.

I'd get to counselling yourself to facilitate leaving him.

You are just existing not living life.

You can leave. He doesn't have to ruin your life. Sure chronic illness is awful as are mental health issues, I have both, but he doesn't have to be a twat and you don't have to stay.

He does actually sometimes scream in tesco.

He screams on trains. On buses. I try and avoid completely any situations where it might be noisy or crowded if he's having a bad day.

Holy moly , that is NOT normal and is nothing to do with the fibro. That is mental anguish. Yes fibro can cause sensitivity to outside stimuli, my family have to use a double inside voice when I have a flare up but I've never screamed like that and my flare up pain makes me seriously suicidal, where even movement from breathing is torture.

I see now why you've posted

Is it the noise he doesn’t like on trains etc? Could noise- cancelling headphones help a little bit when he is overwhelmed?

The only thing is sugar. We can try cutting that

Sugar causes inflammation which causes pain. If i have some sweets then I really know about it the next day. That needs to be cut right down.

Painkillers do nothing for me either, really would reduce the sugar though, and also the seed oils (rapeseed/sunflower etc)

I take a supplement called revival7icecubes you can find them on insta and Etsy, the really have made a massive difference to my pain levels (not a dodgy mlm scheme btw and before anyone asks no I'm not on commission as know what it's like on here 😂)

You can't wave pom poms and support someone who doesnt want to help themselves OP. You can't pour from an empty cup.

I suggest you get yourself along to your bolthole by yourself for a week or so to decompress and have some peace. Tell him you're going to re-evaluate your life because you can't live like this anymore. He must make a choice on whether he's going to drive you away or bloody engage and help himself.

His pain isn't helped by painkillers

Oainkilkers aren’t really used for chronic pain though. He needs a specific anti depressant or anti Seizure med that work in the pain receptors.