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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner, chronic illness, resentment

232 replies

Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 09:58

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 17:31

He has noise cancelling headphones he wears constantly when were out or he's at work. Yes it's noise, people, unexpected changes to things like delays or someone blocking an aisle.

I know it's not normal. It's frustrating he keeps insisting it's "I don't like my job" or mundane causes like that because I know that doesn't make people start screaming.

Likewise the complaining and negativity- I find it hard to put into words but it's NOT normal. He keeps complaining about one small thing sometimes for maybe months on end hours each day. Like an obsessive thing.

OP posts:
Scandipandi · 30/07/2023 17:48

I know it's not normal. It's frustrating he keeps insisting it's "I don't like my job" or mundane causes like that because I know that doesn't make people start screaming.

Is it because he can’t understand what is happening, haven’t had a real explanation from the doctor’s because they simply don’t know, and so he is desperately blaming random things in hope that a change might help? He seems stuck. It sounds horrible for both of you.

Hibiscrubbed · 30/07/2023 17:50

I really don’t now how you stick it, OP. It sounds absolutely grim. He is totally destroying you, let alone your life.

I know you love him but he isn’t doing anything to sort this. It sounds like he doesn’t need a country house, or a city house, or a gluten free diet, or a new job, or more money…he needs an extended stay in an in-patient unit.

And you need respite from the utter misery he is inflicting on you.

anon2022anon · 30/07/2023 17:54

You poor thing. I do feel for him too, but more for you.

I agree he needs counseling, but I think it needs to be some kind of treatment to help him accept his chronic illness/ that his life has changed.

ladyofshertonabbas · 30/07/2023 17:58

Does he lose his temper at work? I bet he doesn’t. He’s not treating you right.

Scandipandi · 30/07/2023 18:00

He keeps complaining about one small thing sometimes for maybe months on end hours each day. Like an obsessive thing.

What do you actually say to him when this happens and how do you say it? And what is his response? Does he understand? I’d walk out over this alone.

FuppingEll · 30/07/2023 18:10

I think I would lay it all down to him one last time, tell him about EMDR, tell him that you need him to try it, if not for him for you. Then I would leave and go to the other house for a few weeks, give yourself some breathing space. Tell him if he hasn't had his first app by the time you get home you are going to have to make it permanent. If he loves you he should fight for you.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 30/07/2023 18:17

Why are you wasting your life with someone you treats you like this and who makes you feel the way you do?

I really think you need some kind of counselling.

Escaperoom · 30/07/2023 18:22

You are not married, you are renting property, you don't mention any kids or pets. So it seems you have no ties to this person except those you choose to impose on yourself. Four years into your relationship he basically became someone else. Would you have ever got together with him if he had been this person in the first place? I'm sorry but I don't think I could stay with someone in these circumstances. What will happen if your mental health declines and you have a complete breakdown? Would he then be supportive to you as you have been to him or would he say he couldn't cope and walk away.

CherryMaDeara · 30/07/2023 18:25

If he won’t get counselling then I’d leave him.

It may be the kick up the bum he needs to get counselling.

Quartz2208 · 30/07/2023 18:30

You may both love each other but I think that is the problem, neither of you are willing to see that the co dependency isn’t helping either of you. You cannot save him and trying to is costing you. You are enabling him down a path of self destruction and taking you with him

at the very least a trial separation will give you time and space to see what happens and whether he sinks or swims. Together you both sink

RandomMess · 30/07/2023 18:31

If he won't seek help for his mental health then I'd tell him it's over.

He isn't willing to do the work of managing himself.

Quartz2208 · 30/07/2023 18:34

@Sundaybleugh did he have a head injury

MatildaTheCat · 30/07/2023 18:58

@Sundaybleugh you are posting repeatedly about him. What about you? You’ve said over and over that he doesn’t accept he has any psychological problems so it seems unlikely he will engage with therapy or EMDR .He might attend if you issue an ultimatum but that’s vastly different from engaging.

Please start talking about you. Your feelings, dreams and thoughts about your future. He may have settled for a life of anger, misery and pain but you don’t have to.

Original poster
Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 19:25

@Quartz2208 No. If he had this would make more sense to me!

@MatildaTheCat I've lost track of me completely.

My hopes and dreams used to be us together, in our country house with wellies and a dog and sailing the world. How can I feel those things positively if the person I'm doing it all with tells me almost every day that the life we have is so bad he can barely stand it?

It's that that's made me so sad inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 19:28

You know what would make me feel better? Is just ONE time for him to say he loved something except me.

Our new house
The weekend
A night out

If he just once made me feel like he'd had a great time and was happy.

I feel this overwhelming grief that we're losing our happy times. What's the point of doing anything nice if he thinks it's awful?

He thinks EVERYTHING is awful. I'm genuinely not exaggerating that it's like everything is just terrible.

OP posts:
Mistymountain · 30/07/2023 19:36

I think you've tried your best and understand you love your partner, but the life is being sucked out of you. I think you need start the process of emotionally disengaging and leave, for your own sanity.

hallana · 30/07/2023 19:48

It's so hard, believe me I know. But you can't make him happy. Staying doesn't make him happy. You can see that part.

What would a kind stranger want for you? Can you think of yourself as much, or as little, as a stranger could?

Don't exist only as a bin for someone else's rage and pain. You are a human being.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 20:18

hallana · 30/07/2023 19:48

It's so hard, believe me I know. But you can't make him happy. Staying doesn't make him happy. You can see that part.

What would a kind stranger want for you? Can you think of yourself as much, or as little, as a stranger could?

Don't exist only as a bin for someone else's rage and pain. You are a human being.

Very well said.

You deserve more out of "your one wild and precious life."

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 20:21

Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 19:25

@Quartz2208 No. If he had this would make more sense to me!

@MatildaTheCat I've lost track of me completely.

My hopes and dreams used to be us together, in our country house with wellies and a dog and sailing the world. How can I feel those things positively if the person I'm doing it all with tells me almost every day that the life we have is so bad he can barely stand it?

It's that that's made me so sad inside.

Why do you stay? Seriously.

If someone repeatedly told me that all my efforts were pointless, I'd get the hell away from them.

How do you define "love," because I'm not seeing much. He's fucking using you as a trash dump instead of making an effort to seek professional help.

JibbaJab · 30/07/2023 20:24

I think you need to try and get across he is lost in his own torment and it's not healthy. I've been there and he may not even realise it's not just pain, sensory issues but his way of thinking is being impacted too.

I know you want him to appreciate things and say things but he may be quite literally lost and doesn't even realise, it's almost like auto pilot that's the only way I can describe it.

Have you noticed any cognitive issues like losing focus, mixing up words or stammering by chance? Also look at his eyes because that was one indication for my neuros, they saw my eyes were lagging behind I couldn't track right along with I was replacing odd words for things but I thought I was saying the right words.

I also lost a lot of time, entire days would pass in a moment and I forgot things, misplaced things all the time.

He cannot get a hold of it unless he accepts reality and that steps need to be taken to address it. Brushing off the issue or putting a plaster on certain aspects won't fix it.

Even the pain being touched, loud noises, sudden changes was the same with me. Even clothes hurt my skin, barely audible noises sounded extremely loud, I was hyper vigilant 24/7.

I spent the last five years unable to be in the cold or wind, the sun because it hurt so much and all my doctors said it's just how it is now. No, it's not and I found the more you avoid it the worse it gets. So, I made myself experience the wind, the cold and touch and noise it got less and less extreme to where I could feel things normally again.

Honestly, his body is in overdrive and everything he is experiencing, the pain, sensitivity, sensory is a result of whatever it is he is not confronting or dealing with and it's likely to be mental or emotional and or environmental stress manifesting.

I was told I was going to be like this forever, no medication worked and made it worse and that was that. Now I have found the root cause it's nearly all subsided and I'm getting my life back, like I'm finally awake and back to how I was before.

There is hope but he needs to see it for what it is rather than accepting his lot and don't take doctors word as gospel they don't always get it right or do what is needed.

CaroleSinger · 30/07/2023 20:33

Sweetheart, what are you actually getting out of this? You deserve to be happy too. Your life is going to pass you by if you're not careful.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 20:39

What ages are you both, OP?

ssd · 30/07/2023 20:52

Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 19:28

You know what would make me feel better? Is just ONE time for him to say he loved something except me.

Our new house
The weekend
A night out

If he just once made me feel like he'd had a great time and was happy.

I feel this overwhelming grief that we're losing our happy times. What's the point of doing anything nice if he thinks it's awful?

He thinks EVERYTHING is awful. I'm genuinely not exaggerating that it's like everything is just terrible.

Do you know what would REALLY make you feel better?

Start to love yourself.

You are not responsible for his happiness. Who said you were??

Shropshirepie · 30/07/2023 20:55

Poor man, he is in a serious rut and moaning has become his second language. I’m in no doubt he loves you but you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.
It’s soul destroying and he’s taking you with him into the pit of despair. You need a break - go and stay with family and friends or spend a week by the sea, eating ice cream and watching the seagulls. Get some joy back into your life, you deserve it.

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