Partner, chronic illness, resentment

[Sundaybleugh]

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

Leave. He doesn’t want to get better he just wants to rant and moan. You’ve barely been together 5 minutes. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? Put him in the bin

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=emdr&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItcDatsq2gAMVXIBQBh1qdwReEAAYASAAEgLhBfD_BwE

You need a highly qualified professional. I’d look for a psychologist and expect to pay £120 per session.

Be aware that it’s possible to train as an EMDR therapist on a weeks course so make sure you find a psychologist, not a counsellor. Any less than £120 a session and I’d move on.

We've been together coming up for seven years, not five minutes 😞

Thank you @7eleven

I'm going to look into this and just put my foot down on it. Neither of us can go on like this.

The people saying ‘put him in the bin’ or ‘he’s attention seeking’ do realise that they’re one very traumatic or several less traumatic events away from being like this themselves, right?

This can happen to literally anyone, in the right circumstances.

It is his responsibility to heal though. OP can’t live with it.

My EDMR counsellor was amazing. And she charged 60 quid.

You've only had 4 years of being in a relationship with an actual partner. So, you've had approx. 3 years being a parent to him then...

Can you see how you're sacrificing your life to try and make someone happy? I hope you don't want DC with this man OP. No doubt all the issues would rear their head yet again during the early years of parenting. It will all be on you.

You've done so much already and the years are just going to keep going by in a miserable blur if you let him drag you down too. I've seen it happen to good people. You can't fix him.

I think you need therapy OP.

Why are you putting up with this shit? He's awful. Being unwell and having PTSD isn't an excuse to be a dickhead.

It's not his true personality, that's a stupid comment. He's traumatised. You both are. You both need counselling. Think hard before you leave. It's really hard being ill. I know it's hard, the position you're in.

Jesus Christ, she’s not mothering him. He’s ill. If he had an accident and lost the use of his legs would you say the same?

I totally agree that he is responsible for his healing, but the ignorance and lack of compassion on this thread from some people is horrible.

Best of luck @Sundaybleugh. Feel free to message me, but I’m leaving this thread.

Some people’s attitude towards mental health problems is absolutely fucking disgusting.

The people saying ‘put him in the bin’ or ‘he’s attention seeking’ do realise that they’re one very traumatic or several less traumatic events away from being like this themselves, right?

Nobody is obliged to stay with someone who behaves like this, though, no matter what causes it.

Lots of people go through traumatic events and don't go around screaming and slamming things around every morning for three years.

I think you should go stay in the other house while he gets help, whether he believes in it or not he needs to know you will leave unless he does. Is it so far you can’t go from work to the one he’s in then home to sleep? Id be tempted to leave recorders to be honest to find out if he screams in the shower every morning if you’re not there.

Maybe you leaving would shake him up enough to get help.

Might end up being the best thing for both of you

Some people’s attitude towards mental health problems is absolutely fucking disgusting.

No, people are saying that poor mental health isn't a reason to treat your partner like dirt every single day. Lots of people struggle with their mental health but they don't behave in the way OP's partner is behaving.

If he really cared, he would get himself into counselling, not slam and rage and shout at OP every single day of his life.

OP - since your health is starting to suffer too I would give him an ultimatum. He seeks the relevant therapy for whatever he witnessed or you will leave. Don't focus on the fibro side for now. Break it into smaller parts. If what others say is true then his fibro will be significantly eased by doing the first. I say this as someone who suffers from multiple, very painful, auto immune conditions.

I will hold my hand up to ranting against the universe (and complaining) but I've never screamed or banged doors. Mostly reserve my ranting for crap drivers 😂I'm always willing to change the subject and have apologised profusely to my family. I try very hard not to grumble, usually a roll eyes and say not again, but I have taken note of other posters saying even that can be draining.

Have you suggested couples counseling? How would he feel about that?

I don't feel like relationship counselling would help. We both know this is a HIM problem rather than an US

He's often in agony, he's physically sore to the touch, he's angry and depressed.

There's no problem between us aside from trying to change those things so we can enjoy life.

He has days - sometimes a week or two - where he is better and its like having the old us back.

We're still in love. Through all this.

You need to leave him before he drags you under with him.

It sounds like you're enabling his misery tbh.

While you put up with it he has no incentive to change. The best thing you could do for him (and yourself) would be to leave. It would give him a strong reason to change.

It sounds like trauma caused all these issues which is treatable with therapy but he has to want to change.

With you there being a human punch ball he will carry on as he is.

1000 times this very insightful comment. Please,OP, the time for asking “why” this is happening is long past. It is happening and it is crushing you. He will not get better with you there and you will get worse.

You need to put your own oxygen mask on and afterwards you can re-evaluate. The work of Stephen Porges and also Peter Levine and Pete Waller might be useful for you in understanding his situation but the basic fact is that he, snd he alone, must learn to manage snd live with his trauma. As long as you are there for him to use as a buffer/chew toy/support he will not do the work he needs to do which us psychological. That is the bottom line since everything else has been ruled out.

Has he been diagnosed with PTSD? Surely someone in the medical profession has joined the dots?

This is in your OP. So it's not this bad? Or you are minimising now some posters are encouraging you to stay? If it is as bad as this then this is no life for you. I will say this, setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm never ends well. Only he can change the dynamic. If you choose to stay, if I were you, I would get therapy for myself. You need an outlet. You have shouldered his problems for long enough and you are sinking. I will not apologise for focusing on YOU. YOU deserve to live happily. YOU matter just as much as he does.

It’s like living with a festering open sore. It will not improve without help.

I just thought that it might open up other treatments, if your partner felt more comfortable going to counseling with you. Sorry if I offended you. It's not all about who's 'fault' it is, it's helping him to understand how he makes you feel.

I have a partner who lives with chronic pain, and it can be awful. However he doesn't act like this. Anger actually sounds like distress for the person he once was, and can take time to adjust.

However, you need to live your own life. If my partner is having a particularly bad day, I do my own thing, see friends/ family or whatever.
Although in your case, I wouldn't be putting up with his behaviour. He either gets help or you part ways. Or relationship counselling.