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Original poster

Partner, chronic illness, resentment

232 replies

Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 09:58

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 30/07/2023 10:59

I think he needs an ultimatum - he either gets help for his negativity or you leave. No-one would blame you. This is no life at all and one day you will wake up and wonder where it went but by then you will have lost your best years.

mangochops · 30/07/2023 11:00

It doesnt matter if he's nice to you but only angry at the world- just look at the effect its having on you- just existing, feeling numb, depression, having no motivation to even get washed etc. There is no nobility in having a mental breakdown for someone else because you want to "be kind". How is you becoming a depressed shell of yourself helpful or good?

Read back your own words and really absorb them- you are crying out with unhappiness and its not right.

LadinLee · 30/07/2023 11:03

It sounds like PTSD and there is treatment available for this. EMDR has good results.
He has a medical condition which he's refusing treatment for and it's clearly not going to get better on its own. His fibromyalgia symptoms will also improve if he gets PTSD treatment.
He is choosing to be like this, he doesn't have to live his life like this.
Time for an ultimatum.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 11:17

user1471538283 · 30/07/2023 10:53

You need to leave and recover your mental health.

His screaming in the shower is deliberate. He can control this.

You've lost all joy because of your situation. You are reacting appropriately to the stress.

Exactly.

He's not stomping and screaming at work or out in public. Only around you.

He CAN control it, but doesn't think you are worth controlling it.

He doesn't care about the effect on you.

So why do you stay?

towriteyoumustlive · 30/07/2023 11:18

How old is he?

If he won't seek counselling then I'd deem this unreasonable behaviour. My husband is a very negative person which is so draining but nothing compared to your partner!

He clearly needs help, so I think I'd be telling him you've had enough of his constant melancholy so he either seeks professional help or leaves.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 11:20

Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 10:41

I've talked to him many times. Nothing changes.

He just complains he hates everything. His job. Where we live. People. He's not got enough money. He doesn't have any fun. He's trapped and hates all of it.

I tried everything. Holidays. Complimentary treatments. Diets. Planned adventures. Nothing worked. He was relentless in his misery.

I cried all the time at first, then just gave up. I'm seriously depressed now. Barely wash. Just get up every day and do what I have to until the only good bit of the day (unconsciousness when I'm asleep).

He said he hated the city, so I stretched myself financially to get us a bolthole in the country which is what he said he needed because he thinks the air pollution and noise make him ill. And he said he wanted to do countryside activities.

All He's done is complain about that.

Hates the travelling.
Complains we have less money.

I suggested we spend a few days a week in the country. Seeing as he complains every single day about the city.

Claims he can't work from home (he can, his colleagues do). Then claims if he could he wouldn't want to be "stuck in the house"

Nothing is ever any good for him.

He hides it with everyone else. It's just me who gets this.

I don't think it's me - he seems to really love me and says he does and doesn't like me being not with him etc but deep down I wonder why I don't make him happy, why NOTHING in our life is good.

He says life is terrible but the only good bit is me. But he doesn't seem to enjoy me or get any benefit.

Hes not a bad person. He's not mean to me. He's very kind and loving a lot of the time.

He's just so negative. If you heard him go on you wouldn't believe it...its absolutely mad

Look at what you've written!

He doesn't love you. You're his convenient whipping boy, servant and financial resource.

You deserve better.

HopelessEstateAgents · 30/07/2023 11:20

Assuming you have no kids, what's keeping you there? He's emotionally abusive. Illness is not an excuse

ditalini · 30/07/2023 11:27

He BELIEVES that it can't be helped by therapy but he's very likely wrong.

It sounds hell op. To be brutally honest, giving him an ultimatum to give therapy an honest try or you will leave (and following through) might be the best thing you could do for him.

If he does engage with treatment then his life might be less shit.

If he doesn't, and you leave, at least one of you has a chance at something better.

Barleycat · 30/07/2023 11:33

You need to tell him honestly the impact this is having on you. It's not fair to you, if he's not going to try to get help and stip being a misery then you should leave him, he's dragging you right down with him.

Mortgageportgage · 30/07/2023 11:34

Just leave. He's decided he wants to live his life in misery. He can't make that decision for you as well unless you let him.

Prelapsarianhag · 30/07/2023 11:45

He may talk nicely to you but he is simultaneously abusing you.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 30/07/2023 11:48

He's not horrible TO me, just AROUND me.

A distinction without a difference.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 30/07/2023 11:49

He needs to get help for the trauma, and that needs to be non-negotiable. If that can be effectively treated, all the symptoms will be relieved, including the fibromyalgia, which most likely stems from the same cause. Him not seeking help is causing misery for both of you and he needs to deal. Or you need to think about leaving. This is no life for you.

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 11:49

It’s not his chronic illness that is making him behave this way - I have several chronic illnesses and I don’t go around treating people like that - it just sounds like he is using it as an excuse to walk all over you and just behave how he wants to OP. 💐

Original poster
Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 11:59

I really don't understand what's wrong with him

OP posts:
LadinLee · 30/07/2023 12:07

Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 11:59

I really don't understand what's wrong with him

PTSD

billy1966 · 30/07/2023 12:10

OP,

Clearly your mental health is deteriorating around him.

Loving him is neither here nor there.

He is dragging you into the gutter and you are allowing it.

He won't get help, but is prepared to drag you down.

He will ultimately be fine, but you will be left broken.

Loving someone does not mean accepting this.

I'm married 30 years and I wouldn't dream of accepting it.

You are 4 years together and unmarried, you do not owe him your future.

Sorry if that is harsh, but if you were my daughter I would be horrified at your sacrifice.

IMO it is highly unlikely your average man would stick around in a similar situation.

His refusal to get help is your out.

Don't waste any more of your time on being a grumpy mans skivvy.

cestlavielife · 30/07/2023 12:15

Leave
Temporarily or permanent

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

So he is an adult refusing to take charge of his life
He will drag you down with him
You have the right to leave

It might bd the push he needs to do something fir himself
Staying, he wont change
Maybe he wont change if you leave either
You have one life. You ve tried. It s destroying you.

TwilightSkies · 30/07/2023 12:15

You don’t have to live like this. You have gone above and beyond what a good partner would do. You’re like his therapist, carer and emotional punchbag.
He has to want to change.
I’d give him an ultimatum. He seeks proper help, stops the negativity or you leave. He weighs you down.

mangochops · 30/07/2023 12:16

Sundaybleugh · 30/07/2023 11:59

I really don't understand what's wrong with him

Well, its pretty obvious that PTSD and health conditions have affected him and made him angry and bitter. But it doesnt really matter does it?- he refuses to get help for either so the why is kind of irrelevant if he wont do anything about it. You cant force someone to engage in therapy, they have to want to do it and he doesnt.

cestlavielife · 30/07/2023 12:17

giving him an ultimatum to give therapy an honest try or you will leave (and following through) might be the best thing you could do for him.

Or just leave and say you happy to talk in 3 montgs if he gets therapy

TheCatterall · 30/07/2023 12:19

@Sundaybleugh loving someone doesn’t mean you are right for each other. It doesn’t mean you have to stay together.

he won’t get help.
he won’t change.
nothing is ever enough.

once he retires and is around you 💯 of the time he will suck even more life out of you.

my ex was like this. We were both good people with our own issues but together we just didn’t work.

it’s ok to love someone but have to leave for your own mental health. You are entitled to happiness. You will not find it with him.

Lentilweaver · 30/07/2023 12:20

Leave. I have a friend with fibromyalgia. She is lovely and fun. When she is ill she will cancel our meetings but she manages to be pleasant and kind to all including her husband.

Doggydarling · 30/07/2023 12:23

Please get away from him, even for a few weeks to give yourself space to think, rest and recover enough to realise that you've become his punching bag. I know he's not physically abusing you but he is abusing you. This year I 'celebrate' 40 years of fibromyalgia, I'm 52 so I've had it most of my life, it started after a viral infection aged 12, it has changed my life but not ruined it, I understand how showering hurts, its like needles of acid piercing your skin sometimes but no one has ever heard me scream because that's not necessary, the days I can't shower I have a stand up wash, I'm married 15 years and retired 2 years before that because of the fibro, its a shit disease but its not your partners main problem, he needs help for his mental health and if he's not willing to accept this I firmly believe you have to save yourself and leave him. Don't destroy yourself on a lost cause. My husband is brilliant, he accepted my illness from day one, he's carried me to the bathroom when I'm having a massive flare but two nights ago I cried because of leg pain, I did that in the spare room making sure I couldn't be heard because him worrying about it wasn't going to help either of us. We still live two individual life's, today he's away at his hobby, I'm currently in bed with our two little dogs, husband will bring home a takeaway dinner because I'm tired and getting over a cold but hopefully next weekend I'll be away camping with my friends, I'm not always capable of going but when I am I make sure to make to most of it, Fibromyalgia is a damn painful nuisance but it doesn't have to stop your life and certainly shouldn't be used as a tool to abuse others which is what seems to be happening to you. Your partner won't go for counselling but I think you should and make plans for a future without him.

Quartz2208 · 30/07/2023 12:26

mangochops · 30/07/2023 12:16

Well, its pretty obvious that PTSD and health conditions have affected him and made him angry and bitter. But it doesnt really matter does it?- he refuses to get help for either so the why is kind of irrelevant if he wont do anything about it. You cant force someone to engage in therapy, they have to want to do it and he doesnt.

Show quote history

This - he is choosing this, people with PTSD and fibro aren’t like this. He could get help he doesn’t want to.

You cannot save him, indeed you being there means he isn’t facing up to what he needs. The status quote is current,y slowly destroying both of you. You leaving will give you the life you deserve. You leaving could give him the impetus to change or it may not, but there is a chance it will.

staying destroys both of you. Leaving saves you and potentially him.