Partner, chronic illness, resentment

[Sundaybleugh]

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

@7eleven that sounds horrible. I will read properly through everything shared here and am really grateful.

I think part of me needs a Good Will Hunting moment where I just cry on them and they tell me it's not my fault. Because I feel terrible. Inadequate. Worthless.

I'm not sure why but I feel like that.

I think he probably would go to counselling and get help if he believed it would help. He thinks changing job and having more money would fix it but I really don't believe that.

I wish I could shake the nagging feeling that there's something wrong with me and this is why this is happening.

It’s not you, I’d bet my mortgage free house on.

It’s horrible for you to live with and you shouldn’t. Imagine being him, though. His life is currently a nightmare.

It doesn't matter what caused it. He is refusing therapy and would rather take it out on the OP and make her life miserable. That why I would leave him. That is not the behaviour of a loving partner.

Do you see a counsellor?

If not, I suggest you do

100% agree with this
He's not willing to engage and you don't get the make someone else miserable.

God OP run! A life where you can't even have a cup of coffee in the am without being interrupted is not worth living. You are not his support human.

@7eleven he acts like his life IS a nightmare, but I grapple with understanding that when ostensibly its not at all a nightmare. He actually has a very nice life pretty free from stress or upsets. So him acting like it's a nightmare is confusing. Maybe I'm just not able to understanding what's going on inside him.

These are very wise words. He can't help how he was affected by whatever he saw, but this would be a dealbreaker for me:

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I have struggled massively with my mental health (and still do), I have been sectioned and still have days with things are remarkably challenging so I'm not judging with no insight.

It's not the OP who needs a counsellor, it's her partner
Op needs to leave him

Will you PLEASE stop worrying about him and start worrying about you!

You can't fix him and he doesn't want to get help to fix himself. You are a receptacle to dump all his misery into. You are not a partnership.

You need to get help yourself so you can extract yourself from this mess. You don't want this to be the rest of your life

She needs to find the strength and objectivity to leave him. That's why I suggested she see someone

How old are you OP? Do you really want to live this way forever? He is never going to change. He doesn't want to. You've done enough.

I understand how you feel. Without wishing to be patronising, this is something that is happening intrinsically in him and is completely unaffected by his external life. What his life is like is pretty irrelevant, which is why the things you’re doing aren’t working.

Basically, he’s stuck in panic, danger, in peril mode. That switch we all have is stuck in ‘on’. He is subconsciously living his life like the sabre tooth tiger is behind him.

I think you have two different things going on.

Fibro - I've had this for over twenty years. There is nothing you can actively do to cure it. Nothing. Most GPs won't even prescribe painkillers due to NICE changing the guidelines recently. He will need to change his lifestyle so he can pace himself. Can he do hybrid working? Not every Fibro sufferer responds positively to exercise, in some cases it can cause more harm. Good nutrition never hurt anyone so make sure your diets are good. Sugar can cause pain in sufferers so worth watching. Fibro can fluctuate throughout the day, so he could wake up crippled but be fine by evening. It's a real head fuck with no light at the end of the tunnel and that's why he might be releasing his rage at the universe.

However. Whatever he witnessed needs to be dealt with. Absolutely. And he needs to go back to the GP and try to get help with that. It may or may not have a knock on effect with fibro symptoms but it's a good place to start.

All those saying fibro is a trauma response can you link to reputable sources? Several hospital consultants have never mentioned it to me, ever. All I've got is sorry, find a way to live with it.

OP I didn't read the whole thread, just your posts so I'm not sure how much other people have raised this.

It is so obvious this is a trauma response (as is the fibromyalgia. It's known to be an embodied form of PTSD.) He needs to use a programme/website called Curable. Google will bring it up. It's for pain but it helps other fibromyalgia symptoms too. It is fantastic and can get him much better physically. If he doesn't want to pay for it, he can watch some videos on YouTube called Pain Free You by Dan Buglio. However, and this is a big however, he has to want to use these resources. They can't be forced on someone. It takes courage to do any kind of therapeutic work.

Honestly, if this was my partner I would have to walk away and give him some breathing space to sort himself out simply because he's getting aggressive and it's having an impact on you. It's not as simple as saying this is his fault but there are consequences to him acting out rather than recognising he has a big problem and needs help. If you stay with him it sounds like you're at risk, not because he will hurt you physically but because this kind of behaviour has such a devastating impact. You deserve to be safe and happy too. EMDR would help him a lot alongside Curable. There is so much you can do to reduce PTSD symptoms.

If he won’t take charge of his condition and depression etc i’d make it clear I couldn’t continue to live with this lifestyle.

he needs to sort out therapy and deal with his anger, negativity etc.

and I’d make it clear I’m not waiting around forever.

@Sundaybleugh in the nicest possible way you are enabling this even though you love him - you are staying. You are doing everything you can to fix him. And when that fix doesn’t work you are moving onto the next one. You can’t fix him. Only he can do that.

my son tried to hang himself with a belt when he was 10. He had wished and talked about dying since he was 7. The stress and trauma have led me to have several stress related conditions. Constant shingles. Constant spinal and facial neuralgia. TMJ. Hair loss, migraines. All stress related.

its shit. I’m in pain so much. But I’ve researched and experimented. I have hobbies that help, physio exercises. I do mindset work. I look for the positive in life and embrace it. I factor in for the rest days I need and I crack on. If I lived with my partner and let the negativity and pain win I couldn’t forgive myself for pulling them down like he is to you.

You. Cannot. Fix. Him.

If he doesn't get help for his moods, you should leave him.

He is dragging you down with him.

There is so much research linking trauma and fibromyalgia. And please don't think there is nothing you can do for it. So many people are recovering using the theories of John Sarno (with lots of recent NHS doctors trying to share his ideas). Have a read of the The Way Out by Alan Gordon or Deepak Ravindran's book on pain. Both are excellent.

Here are a few recent articles to read

Miró, E., Martínez, M. P., Sánchez, A. I., & Cáliz, R. (2020). Clinical manifestations of trauma exposure in fibromyalgia: the role of anxiety in the association between posttraumatic stress symptoms and fibromyalgia status. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 33(6), 1082-1092.

Romeo, A., Tesio, V., Ghiggia, A., Di Tella, M., Geminiani, G. C., Farina, B., & Castelli, L. (2022). Traumatic experiences and somatoform dissociation in women with fibromyalgia. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 14(1), 116.

Thompson, L., Van Dyne, A., Sadler, M., & Cronan, T. (2023). The Indirect Effects of Recalled Trauma Severity on Pain Ratings among People with Fibromyalgia: a Moderated Mediation Model. Behavioral Medicine, 1-13.

The anger, indignation and physical pain are all leaving him with less room for his feelings, which I imagine are very uncomfortable for him right now - he needs to see a councillor to address all of this, I know it's easier said than done to make him go and see one if he doesn't want to though. I really feel for you, you sound like a wonderful partner to him. At some point it is okay to put your hands up and say that you have done everything you possibly can to help him 💐

Almost all medical doctors are quite uniformed about trauma. They see humans as a collection of body parts. It’s the neurologists and psychologists who understand the mind/body connection.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/fibromyalgia/causes/

https://www.emjreviews.com/rheumatology/article/central-processes-underlying-fibromyalgia/

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S004901721730481X

http://shura.shu.ac.uk/22595/3/2055102918802683.pdf

You say he hides it from everyone else.

No he doesn't. He's just clued up enough to realise everyone else won't take his shit. So you get it all.

If you're happy to accept it, carry on.

If not, run like hell

Thank you everybody. All this info is really helpful. It's hard to wrap your head around invisible illnesses, and harder when the person is telling you it's external things that are the problem.

I've bent myself into shapes trying to change those external things but I objectively see even if you hate your job (and I don't believe he actually DOES hate his job), I can't see how it would make you THIS I'll or THIS unhappy.

His version of things has never added up. The life we have now was his dream life. And now he's acting like its the worst imaginable life in the world.

I'll try all these things, but if he should sew someone, is there any advice on finding someone who's understanding of this type of issue?

I feel like if he went to counselling he'd spend £60 telling someone for an hour how awful his life was and the counsellor would just believe that. He's even made ME believe that.

@TheCatterall I am so sorry. That sounds like the most painful thing. I hope your son has found wellness now?

I really don't see why OP should spend any more time waiting on her DP to change his mindset or seek out treatment. She's spent half of their relationship being his mummy. Enough.

If it was a married couple that had been together 15 years then fair enough, I'd say give him more time. This is not the case.

I am saying this with absolute kindness and empathy- you are enabling this. This is not your issue. Please make some boundaries and hold them for your owm sake.

My partner has had psychological health problems before (genuine illness caused by trauma) and i was just the same as you, googling everything and doing all the work. In the end, years later, i now have serious health issues related to stress, i wish i’d stepped back and let him hit his rock bottom to be able to help
himself- i helped no one, even after all that effort.

My situation was more complicated and entwined, in your situation, i would move out and say he needs to seek help
until he is ready to be in a respectful relationship again. Even just the screaming and constant messages are too much. This is all not your job.