Partner, chronic illness, resentment

[Sundaybleugh]

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

I mean, it sounds to me that OP gives him plenty of support - and he's still angry and shouty and not willing to engage.

OP is clearly not planning on going anywhere so there's not really any advice anyone can give her at this point. It's sad, really.

Guess it's hard though if you care about someone and you want to help to try and get back to how it was. I wish I had that support when I was in the worst, I just got a higher level of abuse instead so he's lucky he has someone willing to try.

I've come across so many people though who are like 'well I'm sick forever then' and just do not think to try and fix it for themselves. I mean mine didn't totally fix until I got away but I went from bed ridden to fully functional without any help or medication and that was just solely listening to my own body and changing my lifestyle as much as I could.

Problem is if it continues he will get worse and in turn OP may find herself sick also as a result so, I can see the other points of view like yours tbf.

This.

He sounds awful. Completely selfish. You are not his support human. You have needs to and you deserve for these to be fulfilled.

I'd leave him. He's not helping himself by not getting treatment, and his behaviour to you is abusive.

You can't go on like this. Your own mental health is spiralling because he takes it all out on you & won't seek counselling or anti depressants. He needs a wake up call. I'd keep a diary for 1 week, recording every negative rant & text , then show it him & say you can't live like this, he's dragging you down with him: & unless he gets help fo his PTSD & depression you will end the relationship.

Dont even bother.
Waste of time.
Just leave and from a distance say you will speak again in 3 months if he has gotten help

I think in the immediate term you could do with a break. Go to the countryside bolthole for a break for a week. Tell him you’re exhausted and need time to relax. Sleep and take care of yourself.

In the longer term he needs to undergo some very intensive and serious mental and physical treatment. If he refuses to do this that has to be a deal breaker. Consider stopping the country bolthole, and throw as much money as possible at the problem.

good luck OP i really feel for you

This. I hate to see you subsume your life to his, OP.

Why not go live in the other house for a while, don't ruminate, just "be" whether it's walking, watching TV, pampering yourself, getting immersed in a book or hobby, and experience what life is like without all of that chaos...

You could break up and still be his friend and help occasionally from a distance, without sacrificing your entire life to this toxicity.

If he really loved you, he wouldn't want to put you through this day in, day out.