Partner, chronic illness, resentment

[Sundaybleugh]

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

No, you're not.

He can't help the fibromyalgia but he's refusing treatment for his mood and it seems like that, more than anything, is destroying your relationship. You've basically become the receptacle for all his anger and frustration. You shouldn't have to live like this and you shouldn't try to.

I have so much sympathy for his pain and hand on heart I don't mind no sex or doing everything or changing our lifestyle.

But his mood is so stifling. So draining. Sometimes he will text me at work for 5 or 6 solid hours to complain.

Nothing I suggest is good enough.

Everything is a catastrophe.

His life is pointless he says.

And the anger is so relentless. I've no idea how he has the energy.

I feel like I'm drowning

Have a look at the Fibro Guy programme - you can find local centres via instagram. They have a proven track record for helping people manage their Fibro.

Thank you!!!

Even people with long term health conditions or mental health issues are capable of being supportive partners. They are also capable of getting as much support as they can and actively seeking to improve their situation.

You are allowed to hold your partner accountable for their actions. You are allowed to be unhappy and want it to change. You are allowed to want more from a relationship. You are allowed to leave.

This isn't purely down to the fibro. I know people with chronic pain on top of multiple other conditions that leave them housebound and unable to work who don't go around screaming and can manage to be supportive.

Your husband needs help for his mental health but if he refuses then I wouldn't blame you for leaving him.

You need to talk to him and explain that you're happy to help him etc, but he also needs to help himself as it's getting you down and you can't continue like this.

It's tough love because you'll end up leaving him if things don't change!

Does he treat everyone in his life like this or only you?

This.

It's your one and only life here on planet earth. Then done for all eternity.

Is this how you want to spend it?

How long were you together before the incident? I'm just wondering if his true personality came out after that and actually he's always been a bit like this but it has gradually got worse. If he was a totally different personality for many years beforehand and you had a great relationship then id be more inclined to give him a chance on the condition he agrees to therapy, but perhaps this is just who he really is in which case why are you still with him?

He may have fibromyalgia but he's also being abusive. You can be both chronically ill and an unpleasant person.

I wouldn't waste anymore of my life with someone who behaves in that way.

I've talked to him many times. Nothing changes.

He just complains he hates everything. His job. Where we live. People. He's not got enough money. He doesn't have any fun. He's trapped and hates all of it.

I tried everything. Holidays. Complimentary treatments. Diets. Planned adventures. Nothing worked. He was relentless in his misery.

I cried all the time at first, then just gave up. I'm seriously depressed now. Barely wash. Just get up every day and do what I have to until the only good bit of the day (unconsciousness when I'm asleep).

He said he hated the city, so I stretched myself financially to get us a bolthole in the country which is what he said he needed because he thinks the air pollution and noise make him ill. And he said he wanted to do countryside activities.

All He's done is complain about that.

Hates the travelling.
Complains we have less money.

I suggested we spend a few days a week in the country. Seeing as he complains every single day about the city.

Claims he can't work from home (he can, his colleagues do). Then claims if he could he wouldn't want to be "stuck in the house"

Nothing is ever any good for him.

He hides it with everyone else. It's just me who gets this.

I don't think it's me - he seems to really love me and says he does and doesn't like me being not with him etc but deep down I wonder why I don't make him happy, why NOTHING in our life is good.

He says life is terrible but the only good bit is me. But he doesn't seem to enjoy me or get any benefit.

Hes not a bad person. He's not mean to me. He's very kind and loving a lot of the time.

He's just so negative. If you heard him go on you wouldn't believe it...its absolutely mad

We were together four years before the incident. He was always a bit of a ranter, but he was happy. He was so much fun. Such a good listener. Amazing sex. We were both so sporty.

Now we're like two different people. Shadows or something. I coped well for ages, but around 18 months in I just collapsed. I started really mentally struggling from his negativity.

Is this how I want to spend my life?

No. But I don't care much. I just feel blank. Absent of any desire for anything or any joy. I stopped going out or doing anything. I just exist now.

Has he tried EMDR?

If he's pleasant around everyone else, just not around you then you can leave him.

Then he gets to be pleasant 100% of the time and you get your life back on track.

You say you're partners rather than married, so presumably it's a case of splitting the assets etc and going your separate ways.

He is unhappy with you, so set him free.

Do not feel guilt, look towards a life without an anchor of doom dragging you down.

Please leave, he sounds awful.
if it’s permission to leave that you need you have from all of us. Start packing and go. This afternoon is fine to go.

How is holding down a job with this behaviour?
If he's only like this at home, with you, then you have grounds to pack up and leave.
This sounds intolerable.

Another vote for this. Going through bad experiences or health issues is not an excuse to treat people like shit. It never was and it never will be. Especially if he wont take action to help himself via counselling etc.

I'd leave. You will spend the rest of your life being his emotional punch bag otherwise.

Oh I’d leave.

You need to leave and recover your mental health.

His screaming in the shower is deliberate. He can control this.

You've lost all joy because of your situation. You are reacting appropriately to the stress.

Leave. You have no reason to feel any guilt- you have twisted yourself into a pretzel trying to help him, accommodate him, support him, moved house to help him, cared for him- none of it has made the slightest difference. Nothing you do for him here on will make a jot of difference because the issue is within him and we cannot change others, only ourselves.

You really dont have to live like this- life is short and you deserve to be happy too.

Take your life back - you don’t have to stay with him. He’s like this with you as he chooses to be abusive - you can leave.

He's not horrible TO me, just AROUND me.

His words to me are always nice. He just saw me crying and came over and asked how he could help me feel better. He says nice words to me every day.

It's everything else he hates. And it's me who listens to it.

Yes he goes to work almost every day. No idea how sometimes as he wakes up in agony but he almost always goes.

He's not tried EDMR. He won't really try anything. He's persuaded this isn't a mental problem it's a world problem.

This. He sounds like he's still going out to work and, presumably, he's not raging around the office. He's choosing to act like this towards you. I'm not unsympathetic - I have PTSD as well as a chronic illness that causes pain and fatigue - but I work very hard at minimising the impact on my family including taking medication and engaging with counselling because it's the least I can do for them.

He hides it with everyone else. It's just me who gets this.

this is the sentence that jumped out to me