Partner, chronic illness, resentment

[Sundaybleugh]

I'm feeling guilty because I'm angry at my partner and I'm not sure if he can or can't control what's going on.

We used to have a great life.

About two years ago he witnessed something awful and developed some after effects. At first he was just jumpy, sleepless and cried a lot.

Then he started getting rages. Rages at everything. Buses. The weather. Anything and everything.

Then he got fibromyalgia and he's got agonising chronic pain and our life has disintegrated.

I've become more or less a carer. I do absolutely everything. And work full time.

Any leisure activities have become an ordeal because he complains the while time, says he's miserable or starts shouting.

I don't mind Looking after him, I've done everything I cam. But it's hard.

We don't have sex anymore.

His endless loop of negativity has made me very depressed.

Everything is about him. Literally EVERYTHING. If I've got a major life problem he twists it around to be about him.

He wakes me up every single day by him screaming in the shower or slamming things around the bedroom.

He's seen endless doctors but he won't go to counselling. He says he hates his job and life but won't take any steps to change them.

I tread on eggshells.

I love him and I know the person I love is in there somewhere and I'm sorry he's in pain and I don't want to leave but I feel like the happy person I was is gone.

We are just two miserable people now. I stopped crying. I just stare into space now and live my life on autopilot. None of it is enjoyable.

This weekend I have a life problem to deal with, but I can't talk to him because he'll make it about him and how HE can't handle stress.

So I just feel resentment today. I'm so tired of him not helping himself. I'm so tired of his relentless misery. I'm so tired of nobody caring about ME or whatever I might need that day.

I'm also so sad that he's in so much pain.

Am I a bad person to be thinking all this?

Aside from HIS PTSD I think the important thing is that OP herself is depressed, apathetic, overwhelmed and a shell of her former self.

OP you are suffering too and your judgment is a bit impaired as a result—you need time, peace, therapy, care and compassion even to just get the breathing space to make a decision about the marriage. I really think you should separate for a year or so for self care and then, after you feel more yourself, you will be able to divorce him (or resume the marriage).

this will be best for him as well. He gas dragged you down and used you to cope. But this has made him dependent without forcing him to fix himself. Its (possibly) absolutely the PTSD at issue—I’m a therapist who works primarily with trauma. His coping mechanism is not working and you are getting a kind of PTSD from trying to support him. I second the suggestion of EMDR for him.

I think staying is going to destroy you both.

You are (accidentally) enabling him. By the sounds of it, he is becoming worse. So what are you achieving by staying, it's not helping him get his life back on track, but it is allowing him to keep acting this way which isn't helpful for him either.

If you leave it might jolt him out of his existence and realize he has to address it And you have a chance of happiness again.

I can't imagine how hard this is, but I'm really not convinced staying is the solution.

Agree with this. I was in a very similar situation with my ex husband who refused to address his issues related to MS and mental health. It made family life impossible and I was essentially a carer for him and our two sons. In and amongst all this he also found time to have an affair and had very little appreciation for everything I did.

Eventually (after many years) I couldn’t take it anymore and we divorced. Of course, I was the bad person in the eyes of some people for not sticking with him but I could literally feel my life draining away. I remember the staring into space and not even crying. I spent years doing it and just couldn’t see any hope anymore because he wouldn’t acknowledge his issues.

About a decade later he messaged me to apologise for being so awful and to say that he realised now he was very emotionally immature and didn’t want to take responsibility for himself. I haven’t looked back and life has been great since we separated. I had actually forgotten what it felt like to be happy! And life doesn’t just have to be for existing, you deserve some joy too. Don’t live like this for as many years as I did, it’s such a waste.

Firstly sending you a big loving hug,
Of course the obvious solution is leaving him but thats easier said than done, maybe thats the right thing for you to do, acknowledging its not working is the first step in the right direction.
On a more practical level you need to start looking after yourself and you need to start putting yourself first, even if just something small - do it and do it today - something just for you.
You said you were very sporty and used to enjoys being out and about, - you've got to get out even if just for a walk, fresh air and time alone will give you time to think about everything and put things into perspective Reconnect with old friends for a coffee etc.

I know you said you suggest counselling for him but what about you ? I think it could really help. Living with someone like this is mentally and physically exhausting, he's spewing all this negativity and your soaking it up like a sponge.
You know People do change and not always for the better and sometimes you have to save yourself from going down with the ship. With this current trajectory where do you see yourself in a weeks time, in a months time,next year, 5 years from now ?
That old saying you can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink is so bloody true, a person can only change if they want to - its hard work to change and its safer and easier to stay stuck.

The question really comes down to - don't you deserve to be happy ?

I think you already no the answer.

Leave. You’ve done more than enough.

Totally agree.

I think you should stop trying to fix him. When he texts you at work endlessly, tell him you’ll talk to him when you get home and put your phone on silent. You need to start prioritising yourself. You say you were sporty but are you doing anything sporty these days? Do you have outside hobbies and interests away from him? Friends you can go out with etc? Stop suggesting solutions. It seems as if you have done everything you can for him so invest in yourself. It might give him the jolt he needs to realise he needs sort himself out. It sounds miserable at the moment for you both.

That sounds very tough. You need to look after your own mental health, have you talked to your doctor?
Also there are support groups for carers, might you find some support and help through them?

His fibro is a trauma response. And being in chronic pain is casting a miserable lens over everything. He can heal from this miserabilism therapeutically, but he has to want to.

(In the mean time, you don't have to keep living like this. It's okay to draw a line and say you need to live your life without being dragged down all the time.)

This. Totally within your rights to leave now, if you want to.

But I'm guessing you are not ready for that. Would you consider making him going to therapy a condition of you staying for a while? You don't owe it to him to sacrifice your life to him and care for him endlessly, when he is refusing to help himself, and not making any effort to care for you.

Cruel to be kind time, I think. It's not even good for HIM to be stuck in this cycle, never mind you. He needs to take ownership for his own recovery.

Just my two cents sorry for length. I am a guy and I have been suffering with the same going on ten years but it was extremely severe and it affected everything including my memory and cognitive function, my body was in self destruct mode.

I went through endless tests and nothing could be found and nobody understood why but put it down to extreme levels of prolonged stress and I ended up with that diagnosis. It's complicated but upshot is I've come to realization I've been in an abusive marriage and now that I have left, I am no longer sick, it's all gone. In my circumstance it was the home environment but it may be something similar lifestyle wise or he's not dealing with the issue somewhere.

What I can tell you is it's awful, you are no longer the person you were and your body is alien and it does drive you insane because you cannot live or function as you previously did. He's likely feeling depressed due to this and also shame.

However, having said that I did not give up and refused to let it take a hold of me and this is what he needs to do. He needs to change things his body is telling him something and if he doesn't it will get worse and affect those around him. He needs to understand it's okay to get sick and it's okay to seek help, what's the alternative, rot and lose everything in the process?

Some things that allowed me to survive and get a handle on it:

• Stress and emotions was the catalyst, whether that was positive or negative but especially negative. You may find the angrier he gets the worst it is, needs to find control because it's draining. This was also the same for stressful events or others creating stress.
• Sleep he must have a schedule and consistency in sleeping patterns, if you do this it allows you to heal.
• If he feels off or weak, can't concentrate lay down in bed for however long it takes to get energy. Initially I would be in a semi sleep state for three hours daily that went down to ten minutes. It's overload, he needs to shut down periodically.
• He needs to eat foods that are actually nutritious. Sugar makes it ten times worse, likewise so does coffee but tea was okay for me.
• Drink water and avoid sugary drinks, even now this affects me in some way still. If I drink like coke, my head goes and I lose focus, become irritable and eventually I crash.
• Exercise even though may not have energy just walk for ten minutes it's something. I went from not being able to walk at all to now walking miles every day.
• Take care of hygiene but keep water at a reasonable temperature, too cold or too hot spurs on symptoms I found.
• May find weather affects too, cold made me sick and the heat made me sick. Keep warm in winter and cool in summer.
• Don't bottle up feelings or what is frustrating him, that leads onto negative thinking and he'll be sucked down into that cycle and drain.

The spoon theory makes a lot of sense when you are going through it, look it up. Most people can go to sleep and wake up with say 20 spoons (energy) but when you are experiencing this you can wake up with any amount. That could be two, ten or twenty. However, simple tasks may only use one spoon for everyone else and people regain spoons throughout the day. In his case it may use five and doesn't regain throughout the day. Some days are good you have lots of spoons but other days you only have half or less and you are wiped just by getting up.

Another way to think of it is a faulty battery in a phone. It just keeps losing charge everything you do, just being on it's draining it's charge. With this everything is affected, not just mobility or the sickness but thinking and mood too.

Getting angry, worked up uses these spoons too more than you would think it would. The amount of times early on I went into the abyss of sickness just from getting anxious or frustrated it was the same every time. I had to learn to be neutral and keep myself level. I had to change my way of life, take away all the fluff and live simpler.

Obviously in my case I now know the underlying cause but all of the above is what I found while trying to navigate it and it worked to allow me to live a functional life day to day. In the end I was left with just pain after making these changes and the environment was the last key, I no longer have pain, it's all gone.

Ultimately he needs to stop being in denial about it because that in itself will likely be accounting for a lot. His body is saying slow down, change of course, environment, needs to heal but it cant.

I hope that helps.

Leave. You have no life, are depressed and are a shadow of your former self. You deserve more. So much more.

You cannot help a man who will not help himself.

This is good advice.

It's not your job to fix him.

Sounds like he’s got PTSD and his automatic nervous system has gone wonky.

His won’t improve without trauma therapy (like EMDR). If he won’t get help, I’d seriously consider ending the relationship.

Even ill people have a responsibility to themselves and others.

He sounds utterly awful. What a horrible person he must be to subject you to all of his inner shit 24/7. I would leave, I would have left long ago, but then I'm not cut out to be anyone's carer, and certainly not someone so negative and angry. You must be an incredible and very lovely person to have done so much for such an ungrateful and bitter man but it's time to stop and get your life back.

Agree, completely. I say this from very direct personal experience.

Save yourself first. First rule in dangerous situations.

It’s not fair to say he’s awful, necessarily. He’s been traumatised. He needs to address it though.

OP, you might find books by Peter Levine interesting.

I have fibro, it is a broad spectrum in how it effects people but what is HE actually doing to help himself? Is he eating a low inflammatory diet? Is he taking any supplements to help? I personally don't take anything from the Drs as it just made me feel worse in different ways. Tbh it sounds more like the original trauma that is making him this way, has he had any counselling?

I want to say something a little bit different, only because there's a caveat being given here, which I understand but (having lived it) I think is wrong.

You can leave him even if he can't help it. You don't need to sacrifice yourself to his needs. You matter. You can leave him nicely. You can separate without severing, if you need to.

Think, if it were you: would you want to do this to another person? A person who loved you wouldn't want this from you or for you.

I sympathise with him up to a point. PTSD is an absolute bloody nightmare. Where my sympathy runs out is at the point where he refuses therapy, choosing instead to dump his trauma on you.

@Sundaybleugh you’ve identified that you are unable to help him and he is refusing to help himself. You’ve also identified that you are deeply depressed so actually you need to focus on that and do all you can to feel better.

I suggest you speak with your GP and look at getting some therapy from someone good. Consider your own diet and exercise. Consider spending some time away from your partner while you work on yourself and carefully consider what you want from your life.

I suffer from chronic pain and I spend a large part of my time managing that. It’s a bit like a jigsaw I put together and figure out what helps and what doesn’t. I also suffered from PTSD after a specific situation and yes, I had therapy and did have EMDR which helped a lot. (I never use the word ‘worked’ because in my experience there’s never one magical solution).

One of my absolute resolutions was to not demonstrate my pain unless it’s completely unavoidable and not to complain incessantly because nobody wants to be around a big wet cloud of misery for long. It’s possible.

Wishing you a happier future. In short, do for yourself what you wish he would do for himself.

I'm sorry
I don't get it
Witnessing an event brought on fibro?
I'd leave
I'm sorry
I couldn't live with someone who didn't make me happy

My partner also has a chronic health problem, so I'm saying this from an informed pov - no health problem means you have to accept being your partner's emotional punch bag, or a non-reciprocal relationship.

I've had periods where I've been responsible for solo parenting, housework, earning all the money we had, no sex, helping dp with personal care. The weight of it was a struggle. But, if he had been unpleasant or unloving, I don't think we would still be together.

He has pain and has experienced trauma, but he has responsibility for how he responds to that. It's not right that he treats you like this.

I found this app helpful:

https://www.curablehealth.com/clara

Not sure I'd want to stay around someone if they didn't take responsibility for their own pain, especially if they took out their angst on me on a regular basis.