How to politely ask FIL to NOT touch me

[Bluesky5512]

I’ve known FIL for the last 15ish years. He is 75. He has been a thorough gentleman all through. Inlaws live in the US, we visit them every year. MIL passed away a couple of years ago in a sudden accident. Ever since FIL has been visiting us more often and at times staying for 2-3 months at a time. We stuck a friendship during his recent visits. We talk about politics, astronomy (is was a professor) and yoga (my passion). I see him as a father figure and a friend. DH works in a hospital and I work from home. I take FIL out and about with me - grocery, school runs etc

He has been acting weird lately. Pinching my cheeks, Putting his hands on my shoulder, and yesterday on my waist. WTF !! I was totally taken back and he doesn’t seem to realise. He was never a “creep” IYKWIM. But this touchy behaviour is making me very uncomfortable. I don’t know how to tell him to stop without ruining our friendship.

This topic has exploded! From he must be a nice man missing his wife to sexual predator :) I think it is wise to step back and not read too much into things before you know what is at play. Imagination can run wild and vilifying him to a pedophile could be an exaggeration. Next clear step is addressing this with him, letting him know that you don't like being touched. How he behaves next will give you more insight into what he is. If he makes a fuss, starts blaming you that you are imagining then he is a manipulator, if he accepts it and moves on then maybe it was a misunderstanding. Even if he accepts it I would still keep an eye on him around your daughter only because this whole incident put a new light on him. If he makes a fuss and shows a different side then more drastic measures should be taken. When is he planning on returning to US?

Oh, so you assume a woman disagreeing with you and not being impressed with your Be Kind "reasoning" must be angry or drunk? Charming. What's balanced about not supporting a woman on the receiving end of unwanted touches? It doesn't matter why he's doing it or whether he's sad or lonely or whatever, she doesn't want him doing it. It's also obvious he knows this, because he's targeting her when she's alone.

What a horrible situation to be in

yes it’s creepy so he misses his wife and has become attached to you and wants to touch you to show affection to feel close perfectly normal feelings to have

But so what it’s not invited. This is very typical male entitlement behaviour this is what makes me comfortable I like it so shall carry on

You seem oddly fixated on imagining scenarios about my history. If I was angry, why not? Don't you ever feel angry on behalf of other women? Do angry women frighten you? As it is, no, I'm laying out what's been going on as described by OP, and what I feel is more scorn or disdain for those excusing FIL's behaviour.

As women (and girls) we absolutely do not need to be compassionate and understanding when we are dealing with males who feel entitled to put their needs and wants first regardless of how it makes us feel

Scorn and disdain you appear to be most familiar with.

Kindly point out where I have ever sought to "excuse FIL's behaviour".

In the context of the original post, no need for such an (over)reaction. A bit of compassion and understanding, huh?

thats what you posted GeorgiaLove

No woman and girls do not need to show compassion and understanding when we are being made to feel uncomfortable by a man who feels entitled to touch us simply because he wants to

I meant compassion overall. I never stated compassion for the man alone.

Are you presuming he (the man) feels "entitled" as you suggest? Do you have anything that might remotely be termed Evidence for this? Thought not.

Yes that he has repeatedly touched the op without any invitation to do so (the op hasn’t moved closer to him, held her arms out and had stated on a few occasion that she doesn’t like to be touched) and it’s never been reciprocated

he just carries on pushing boundaries and this shows in how he is touching her too it’s become more intimate

that’s enough evidence

and once again women and girls do not need to show compassion and understanding when they themselves feel uncomfortable

And I mean the op has stated on here that she doesn’t like to be touched

she shouldn’t need to inform her fil just because he feels he suddenly wants their relationship to be more touchy feely

No just I read what the op posted

Coven 🙄 rest of your pathetic post is not worthy of a response

He's feeling you up.
That's what this is.

⬆word!

Your argument is as weak as your grammar.

She makes herself look worse on each post. If anyone is over thinking over emotional it isn't you HRTQueen lol

Lol please don't stop it's super entertaining while I wait on my flight home from vacay

The kind of disinhibited behaviour you describe can apply to both men and women. And yes, as a matter of fact mum has an interest in both mine and my husbands’ friends who are much younger than her, and, yes, her behaviour could be construed as creepy until you realise that the dementia is controlling her behaviour and she’s powerless to stop it. Or are you suggesting that she’s turned into a sex pest at the age of 92 ?

You clearly have no experience of living with dementia or you would recognise a lot of what the OP describes as symptoms of the onset, and you would also know that trauma, such as bereavement - especially sudden and unexpected bereavement, can be a factor. There’s a lot of angry women out there - understandably so if they have been subject to abuse or unwanted attention, and I’m not trying to minimise that in any way, but allowing your own experience to cloud judgment and condemn the OPs father in law as a sex pest helps no-one. He’s the right age for dementia onset, he’s recently bereaved and he’s displaying behaviour that fits. And if it is dementia it will only get worse, so there’s nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain by getting it checked out.

Benzodiazepines and some prescription sleep medication can cause ‘disinhibition’ including sexualised and other behaviour that would normally be out of character. My mothers’ dementia causes disinhibition with similar behaviour to that of the OPs FIL. Her dementia treatment includes medication to try to control it.

OP won’t be able to consult his GP directly but either the OP or her DH can make the surgery aware of his new behaviour and their concerns. Once aware of the situation, the GP will then take appropriate steps to check things out. That’s how we flagged my mums’ behaviour changes to her GP and it led to the appropriate investigations and a formal diagnosis and treatment for vascular dementia.

It absolutely does matter why he’s doing it. If it’s the onset of dementia the behaviour won’t stop, it will deteriorate until it’s properly diagnosed and treated.

No amount of protest by the OP will stop it because it’s impossible to reason with a dementia sufferer - they don’t control their behaviour, the condition does. The number of posters who think that those of us suggesting possible dementia onset are trying to ‘excuse’ his behaviour, or are suggesting that the OP should put up with it, is really concerning. Dementia isn’t an excuse, it’s a possible reason and it’s depressing that so many grown women can’t see past their own issues sufficiently to recognise the difference. No, the OP absolutely should not put up with it, but she should recognise that by her own admission this is new behaviour and taken together with his age and recent bereavement as a possible contributing factor, it fits.

If it’s dementia, the only way to try to control his behaviour is to get the appropriate treatment, so it’s in everyone’s interests to at least investigate before progressing to the dirty old man option.

This.

FIL's behaviour needs to be dealt with. If it is an early sign of dementia, the only way to deal with it effectively is to get it diagnosed and treated. If it is not dementia, the required approach will be different. Checking if this is dementia is the right thing to do for both OP and her FIL.

it’s in everyone’s interests to at least investigate before progressing to the dirty old man option.. I expect that most people would consider the “dirty old man option” step one and a serious degenerative disease the option to be “progressed” to. Frankly he’s more likely to be copping a feel than selectively experiencing dementia, but the “test” would be to firm up boundaries and require him to stop pawing OP.
Honestly I don’t think you have to fall out about it OP. Tell him you don’t like being touched next time it happens, you’ve told dh, then either he complies or the consequences are you don’t hang out with him.