Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Get another cat or pet if that helps in some way

I have never seen anyone who is ugly. I would never think that another person was ugly. I accept people for who they are. I wish that I could make you feel happier. I wish I had the words to help you. If I could give you a hug, I would. You sound like a lovely person.

I hear you. I’ve wondered what it would be like to be beautiful. I see beautiful women getting help in shops and in life in general whilst I’m left waiting. They always get help and people are nice to them. I’m invisible really and people don’t acknowledge that I’m there. Most men like looks and some women use their looks to get what they want. Keep on with what you’re doing. Best wishes

Have you tried being flirty with men, they do find confidence attractive.

Jeremy Bamber was very attractive. Didn't help him with the prison sentence

Honestly people who say "it's not how you look" are frigging delusional. You might have a bloke, but don't kid yourself he isn't looking at beautiful women online and wishing (and wanking) blokes don't seem to suffer the same amount of self doubt.

But that's not about how women look, it's about how men behave. I was stunning when I was younger, but it didn't stop men cheating on me and generally treating me like shit. The most beautiful woman I know found out her DH was seeing sex workers behind her back for years. Not that fantasising about other people is comparable to cheating, its normal and women do it too.

I think you need help to decouple your self esteem from male approval of your looks. Men can be utter bastards to you whether you're good looking or not.

I couldn't agree with this more. Don't look to them to provide you with validation. OP, please get some counselling. I think you can get yourself get to a happy place. That daily walk says you have the grit to do it.

I agree, it doesn't speak to anything apart from men's entitlement.

Hi OP,

I’m really you are feeling like this. I agree with a lot of posters that life can be harder when you don’t comply with societal norms of what is “attractive”. I also agree that romantic relationships can be harder. I thought it was very interesting what a previous poster said about being very attractive and receiving unwelcome comments from men which essentially reduced her just to her looks - I agree that is just the flip side of the coin of objectifying women and equally as dehumanising.

What I would say is that - with all of the above - it can be easy to think looks are the be-all-and-end-all for women. But they’re not. Your looks will not stand in the way of you excelling at your job or making meaningful friendships. I can promise you that your friends will see you through different eyes than random misogynistic men on the street. They will value you for your kindness, your humour - all the things that really matter. Your looks only matter to people who really don’t matter.

And I feel at the moment that your self-perception is skewed as you’re seeing yourself through the unkind eyes of strangers rather than the true eyes of people who actually know and care about you.

Also, I wonder if some voluntary work with animals might be of interest? As you know, animals see the true essence of a person. It could be a way to meet like-minded people whilst feeling good about yourself for doing great for society.

Wasnt he a serial killer? of course he got a prison sentence, being attractive doesnt mean you can murder loads of people and get away with it. But there is research to say its a general trend:

Also, see these men on the street who shout things at women (whether insulting or catcalling) - can we petition Parliament to round them up and put them in a zoo or something? Totally not on in 2023

Theres as many ugly men, if not more!

Absolutely no one is perfect.

Well done on hour daily walk! There’ll be many people envious of your discipline and motivation to keep that up.

Idk in my opinion you can't frigging win as a woman, with my ex who I had 3 kids with, during an argument, when I asked why he was so mean to me when he professed to love me, he said "because you are cleverer than me".

I mean seriously how insecure can a person be.

The daily walk is good. The gym would be even better - exercise releases a lot of positive energies naturally. Try a woman-only gym if you don't want to encounter twat-men.

I agree.
I watched a programme years ago with a man who has Treacher Collins syndrome, he was talking about the impact on him., he and his partner were thinking of having a baby. At first I was looking at how his face was different, I hadn’t heard of the syndrome so I was working out the impact of it, but very quickly he was really attractive to watch. He is an attractive person whose face is unusual .
I have found that sometimes if a face is unusual to me, or very uncommon eg a very different appearance from anyone that I have seen before, it takes me a little bit of time to visually take in the features . I find their face interesting, I like the differences. I also find anyone I like attractive to look at, I like them, so I like their face.
I don’t look at people and think “ugly”.
Really the only time I have felt revulsion is when someone smells really terrible, a human fear of disease I think that we all feel, or when someone seems a very unpleasant person, cruel, creepy or evil.

OP it is hard in a culture where female people in particular are bombarded with images of how they “should” look, to ignore that and just enjoy the body you have, but it is so important to resist it. Do physical things that help you enjoy moving. Deakin and Blue, who sell swimwear, have little films on their website of women who have felt uncomfortable in their bodies and gradually felt better due to cold water swimming. Something small like that, doing any exercise regularly helps us connect with our physical selves and feel more confident. I am trying to get back into exercise for this reason, I just feel better as a whole person when I am moving around happily.
Try and remember how you felt as a very small child, on a slide or the swings, and find something that gives you that feeling again. Even just dancing around your room to disco tunes.
Having a conventionally beautiful face is luck, it is like being born into very affluent circumstances. But neither of those things necessarily make for a happy life at all.
Being a happy and fulfilled person can be hard depending on personal circumstances, but finding small chunks of joy in your day, and doing things that you enjoy is key.
Do you have good friends OP ?

Not a "serial killer" in the traditional sense. He was convinced of having murdered his family for the inheritance, but there was/is a lot of debate over his guilt. The jury could have acquitted him and he didn't have to get a full life's term. Very very few people got a full life's term.

I experienced a lot of negative comments about my looks when I was younger too. It's why I roll my eyes when people say women/girls are bitchy and men/boys aren't. Men can make very bitchy/nasty comments, it just doesn't get labelled as bitchiness. Look at how some men are on social media!

just to say, teenage boys are horrible! Please don’t let these early experiences ruin your life. When I was at school I got called scabby Abby, ugly etc as I have a skin condition, psoriasis. Not to diminish your feelings though. Have you thought about therapy? You sound like you have low self esteem and that could help you build and realise looks aren’t everything. I do think happy/ confident people draw others to them. Could you find a club, community etc to help? I found dopamine dressing helps me as people always talk what I’m wearing (love or hate haha) and not my face. I joined an online community about it and they are all lovely and friendly.

The ugliest man that I know, has the most friends of anyone else that I know. His personality is such that you can't help but be drawn to him. He's funny, the life and soul of the party, with a huge belly laugh that's infectious. I honestly don't even think he thinks of himself as ugly, because he is so self assured and confident. No problem attracting women.

That @JudgeRudy comment needs removed. Troll or just imbecile, it's really not helpful. Piss off.

This is a sad read, I'm so sorry OP and also sorry to the reply from the other side of the scale (so to speak). Being "ugly" or being "beautiful" seems to bring problems in similar ways with certain men it seems.

I second all the posters saying to get another little cat, I love my cat, all my cats I've had and they definitely bring joy and love regardless of what else is happening in life.

Also hobbies and interests are good, although I get it that it's hard to put yourself out there. My DH has a friend who is in his mid 40s now, good job, good chat, no kids and still keeps himself in good shape. However he makes no effort whatsoever to meet someone. He won't go online, he won't go out in real life, when he does he doesn't want to speak to any potential interested women yet he has admitted to me and DH and to other friends that he is miserable being single.

In my opinion it's self confidence that is the best thing (or at least the easiest) to change. It's not a physical change you are stating you can't change, so a mindset change plus wee changes like a new hair cut, clothes etc can also help. Small changes to make big mood changes. Low confidence is horrible I suffered with it for years and I look back and think how upsetting it was to be that way.

Sending love.

Also, find a hobby where it’s about your ability - not how you look. Crafting, drawing, photography, writing book reviews, lifting weights, anything! Having an outlet really helps with low mood I find.

@Katiemag catcalling from a vehicle should result in a driving ban. If it did and chances of prosecution were high, I think it could.

Not the point of this thread and sorry OP I cannot add anything to the comments made thus far.