Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry you are feeling low about the way you feel you look. I was just wondering if there is any part of you that you feel good about? For example, eye colour, or lovely shiny hair? Do you have a nice ample bust? If there is anything, focus on that, draw attention to that, even if it is something small.

Also just wanted to say I admire you so so much for your daily walks, keep it up, walking is so good for your physical and mental health. Mine have fallen by the wayside, but you have really inspired me to

start up my daily walking again! So thank you!

Xx

I don't think all the "why not start a diet and go to the hairdressers" comments are at all helpful. This isn't a cheesy hallmark movie where there's a makeover montage and suddenly her whole life changes for the better.

Don't focus on the superficial. You are unhappy in your life. A great new lipstick and a slimmer waist won't change that.

Think about what makes you happy, what interests you and makes your life enjoyable, and go do that. Focus on doing things that make you happy. If that is dating, put yourself out there and try online dating. I believe there is someone for everyone.

Do you have hobbies you enjoy? If not, start. One positive to your situation is that you have free time to pursue interests and try new things. If they suck, move on and try something else.

Good luck op. You sound really unhappy, and I hope you manage to find a way to be happier.

I remember seeing a teenaged girl on a train once and being struck both by how extremely ugly she was and how utterly miserable she looked.

I'm no model / oil painting myself, but it must be tough to feel highly unattractive.

Sorry if it's been mentioned. But meet up online? There are a heap of people there .

Haven't read the thread but probably what I'm going to say is against the grain (to say the least). Is your ugliness fixable with surgery / fillers? Have you a particular problem area? You're 39. There is still just enough time to meet someone and have a family. But you need to act today. Don't waste another moment. Go for a consultation at somewhere like the Consultant Clinic. They can do full face augmentations. All with dissolvable filler. You could get something more permanent at a later date. It is absolutely tragic if you allow your appearance to torpedo your aspirations for a family.

I know 99% of the people on this thread will talk shit about needing to love yourself, you can't really be that ugly and men are the problem. But they haven't lived the reality of your life and are dismissing the reality of this world. Their trite advice will consign you to this fate while they enjoy their husbands and kids and luxuriate in the idea that they were nice to a woman on the internet today.

@SundayMorningTeaForOne

I'm so sorry you feel like this, but I'm willing to bet, as lots of other posters have said, that you're nowhere near as ugly as you think you are. I feel you slightly because right up to about 15 years old, I was fat, (4 stone overweight,) with curly gingery blonde hair and freckles.

At school in the 1970s it was quite rare to be fat and I was mocked and goaded and had stones thrown at me and was spat at (by lads AND girls.) I was beaten up in the changing room at school for no other reason than I was (allegedly) 'a fat ugly cunt.' The girl who beat me up while her 2 friends held me down said she hopes I get cancer and rot to death. Heartbreaking to hear, but even moreso as I had just lost my nan at only around 57 to cancer ... I got called fat tank, fat slag, fat slob, jabba the hutt. and all kinds of nasty names Obviously ugly top ginger top. and freckly cunt and God knows what else!

A lot of girls in school at the time by about 14-15, had a boyfriend/had been kissed/had had sex! but I hadn't. (Wasn't bothered about sex, but I seemed to be virtually the only one with no interest from boys.) I was laughed at. I never having had a boyfriend, never wanted a cigarette, never had alcohol and I got mocked for all three.

I actually wanted to be an actress when I was younger and I looked in the mirror, and thought 'who's going to want to see THIS on posters and in magazines and on the screen?!' I was full of self loathing, as even my own extended family members had a pop at me being fat, on a weekly basis... Even neighbours had a go, and shouted over to my mother 'you not put that girl on a diet yet?!'

And then 16-17 I decided to start getting fit and going to the gym and start running and cycling and swimming and eating healthy ... I lost four stone. And dropped 4 dress sizes. It sounds a bit mad and a bit shallow but all of a sudden I had mens heads turning left right and centre, and I was being asked out probably once a week by different men of all ages from my own age right up to 40! I also had women telling me I look SO much better now I am not fat. And I am 'part of the club' now I am slim. It's horrible. People are so shallow.

Unfortunately. there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop you feeling how you feel, but my sympathy and empathy is with you in buckets. If I was you and I was 40, I probably would feel a bit upset and down. I'm so sorry. No help at all, just sympathy and understanding.

This is what people are up against, making assumptions because of how people look. Seriously that's an awful thing to say.

Attractiveness is a strange thing - it comes from how you think, listen, speak, behave, treat others and so much more. Some beautiful people are dull or thoroughly unpleasant.

'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.' I still don't know who said that first but it's one of my mantras.

We can't change our age, height, bone structure, eye colour, skin tone etc etc.

We can change how we choose to think. That affects how we feel, which drives behaviour - and has results.

You've said you don't have depression, that this is your life - but it's possible that this is your life lived with depression.

You've said your cat was so important to you. Pets are known to be great for mood and giving focus and purpose, and you've been without for two years. It's possible to grieve deeply for a lost pet and this too can trigger depression.

Had you considered adopting two rescue cats? Doing a lovely thing, giving them companionship and twice the pleasure for you?

Please see your doctor and discuss depression, if you haven't already.

Other people matter, company can help. Find a walking group in your local park. A walking holiday. Volunteering.

Female friendships matter. Whether it's the local WI or other women's groups, get your friendship circle strong through shared interest.

It's going to involve a big shift in the way you think, changing how you think, speak and write about yourself.

Then taking control over the things you can.

You mentioned weight. With absolute respect - I recently realised I had sunk into menopausal obesity and am with gritted teeth doing something about it - you have absolute control over that. I know this will trigger some -but the only people responsible for our weight are us.

Yes to your daily walk! 👏 I do that, I think the only time not was during the snow and illness.

Gentle exercise - I've started following very gentle stretching programmes and feel I'm more supple, getting more graceful, less stiff and lumbery.

With weight and health more in your hands, a more positive frame of mind, a friendship and companionship circle growing, then maybe think clothes, makeup and hair.

So what if you are physically ugly? Men are ugly, rank, overweight yet so many of them are still given the respect and love that all human beings deserve.
I am sorry you are unappreciated. You have so much to offer.
I've seen others recommend getting another pet. Pets are great companions.
All the best to you.

Maybe she was miserable about something other than her looks?

There are plenty of ugly men out there. Why not find one and start a life together?
Perhaps it’s too late to have children but you never know.
As an aside, one of my friends is an absolute stunner. No surgery, just natural beauty. Both of her parents are very unfortunate looking. So you wouldn’t necessarily have ugly children.

I was reading about an interesting experiment the other day.

A group of women, were told that they were going to be interviewed, and before hand they would have make up applied, to make it look as though they had a horrible facial scar.

After the interview, they would have to feedback whether they felt that they had been treated differently, because they were scarred.

The women saw themselves with the fake scar in the mirror, but once they were away from the mirror and about to exit the make-up room, the make-up artist, said that she needed to add a quick adjustment to the scar, but what she actually did, was to wipe the scar off.

So essentially the women went into the interview thinking that they had a scar on their face, but they didn't.

When asked for feedback after the interview, 100% of the women said that they felt that they had been discriminated against because they were scarred.

Which shows how much we interpret things based upon what we think is happening, versus actual reality. Or how easy it is to completely mis-read what people actually think of us, based on our own perceptions.

OP as I get older I realise that men are not the be all and end all. I ll go further… I ll say that men and their attention is becoming less and less interesting. In fact, I think women are more interesting. And it is now FEMALE friendship I long for. I m starting to LOVE getting to know women. Finding out what makes them tick. Listening to the life stories. Sharing a coffee or a glass of wine. My very best days are days spent with other women. Discussing peri menopause. Talking hobbies. Talking pets.

Honestly - I love my family. Adore my kid. BUT…. Having kids has massively dented my marriage. And I can completely understand all those studies that say people without kids are happier.

All this to say… how about a hobby. I am lucky enough to do a lot of horse riding. Mainly women my age (40s) seem to be doing it. And there is often a lovely sense of community (there is some bitching tho). But cheaper hobbies would work too. Walking? Hiking? I can honestly say what you look like wouldn’t take away from me wanting to be your friend and get to know you

Life is short. Try to find your (female) tribe.

It's great getting to know women, they also eschew people who are not attractive. I have been sidelined my whole fucking life.

I’ll say this again.

I think you have body dysmorphia. Try and seek help for that.

Hi OP... I'm what you call "striking" but I'm told in a beautiful way. I've got long black hair down to my bum.. brown almond shaped eyes, and proportion features. I have a big bust, shapely legs and a small waist...

Do you know what?

I'm a single parent after an epically failed abusive relationship. I have a DD5 who has behavioural problems and sees her father in a contact centre.

My previous relationships consisted of wasters, man children and sad to say a married man who would never leave his wife for me.

Dad's at nursery only talk to me when they're alone, when they're with their partners they act like they don't know me.

Men look at my chest before they look up at my eyes to talk to me.

Ugly or beautiful.. its all the same and deeply shaming to me that my relationship history has been so catastrophic. I've resigned myself to also being alone.

Please don't think it's a reflection on how you perceive yourself to look. People and life are just cruel but you just make the best of it.

I wonder how you get on with your colleagues? Do your workmates include you or exclude you? If you get on well with those who know you it suggests you have a nature and personality that others like. So many people, even good looking ones don’t have those qualities.

I hope you come back to the thread OP. Lots of support and good wishes for you, you might get some positives from it.

Some of the posts on here sound as if they're advocating a makeover on the scale of Fay Weldon's Love and Lives of a She-Devil.

Status is the thing. As an unattractive single woman you are the lowest status. Most people are driven by status, sad but true. If you were rich as fuck you would have hangers on dripping off you.

Wow. I have a facial difference and the way PP have just thrown that out there as an obvious exemption from being 'normal' (again, fucking wow) is disgusting. @FancyFran , the fact you didn't mean to be offensive is even worse, that must be your actual opinion. You should really stop making excuses and take a long hard look at your (normal looking, obviously) self. I can't believe you've worked with people with a facial difference and come on speaking like you're an expert.

OP, I'm recently married, have had a few long term relationships and plenty interest from men. I'm also a normal weight, a nice person, have a good job, a few hobbies, and make an effort with people. Stop making excuses. Make an effort just to make friends first of all, it's easier to meet people romantically if you have other interests and something to talk about.

Yes of course that's possible. But either way I'd hate to be the person that someone remembers years after a brief meeting because of my unfortunate looks.

I am so sorry to hear this it must be so hard honestly. It is so sad that looks are so important in our society. I can guarantee, somebody will love you though. You are an amazing person

Ok so you’re ugly, so what? Try dating ugly men, not everyone in this world is going to turn their nose up at you and if you put a bit of effort into improving your confidence then you’ll be a damn sight more attractive too.

That should say *healthy weight

I'm so sorry you've been mistreated, OP.

Men can be so bloody cruel. Boys used to bark at me- to make it clear they thought I was a dog- and throw stones when I was a teenager. It's given me a lifelong sense of insecurity I'm still getting over.

You need to find a way to love yourself. The relationship we have with ourselves is the longest one in our lives. You need to learn to love and respect yourself regardless of what you weigh, what you see in the mirror etc. It's hard but it will make life a lot less painful.

And whatever you look like, confident people give off a 'Don't fuck with me because I won't take it' vibe that makes bullies less likely to have a go.

Cook yourself food that YOU enjoy. Treat yourself to books and magazines if you can afford it. Get some exercise, even if it's just walking.

And when you're ready, if you can, consider another cat. Pets are incredibly therapeutic. I love my cat so much and would be bereft without her.