Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

If you really feel that your looks are not good . Why not volunteer at Visual impaired clubs that way you meet who don't give a fuck about looks .but you will have to be the one who says hello 1stv.

Do you not have any female friends? Is this just about wanting children? Is there anything attractive about your life? Do you do anything interesting, are you funny, or amusing, or intelligent? What or who do you find attractive, or do you tell yourself you would find anyone who paid you attention attractive (but pay no-one any particular attention yourself)? Are you even aware of the majority of people, or only the ones that pay you negative attention? There are plenty of people around like you, but it’s hard to locate others who only define themselves in terms of their negative attributes, because who wants to seek out someone with no redeeming features? Are you looking for someone with no redeeming features?

It’s true that only very physically attractive people can get away with being very boring people with no interests, intelligence, or charisma, but still attract attention. All you have expressed is what you do not have to offer and how easily hurt you are likely to be. There really is not much anyone can say about that, except that they are sorry you feel that way, and there are loads of people out there just like you, but you’re never going to find each other, because you appear not to be looking for other people lime you, just wondering why nobody’s making an effort with you. You may not be clinically depressed, but you’re not far off. It’s incredibly difficult to find others to share your life with if you don’t like your life and are actually just hoping to be rescued, not to share.

Everywhere one goes there are obese and not conventionally good looking men and women in loving relationships (I don’t like the word ugly and I don’t think anyone is ugly unless they are an awful person). This is not about appearance it’s about self worth and confidence.

Forget all the advice about weight loss and hairdressers. You need someone to talk to about your life and your relationship with yourself.

And yes, it does have a lot to do with our parents. My mother never made any secret of the fact she found me unattractive and it seemed to really annoy and disappoint and embarrass her. She was very much of the view that the most important thing a woman could be was beautiful. Which is why you probably really need counselling.

'Too many men are just absolute arseholes. I actually saw the concept in action on a training course. A very attractive woman was put down by an arsehole on the lines of "Your may be very attractive, but you',re not very bright". '

Oh my god this has brought back flashbacks of when I was younger and men used to say things like this to me! 'You're very good looking but...' they'd call me stupid, tell me my tits were too big, I needed to get contact lenses, all sorts. I was fine the way I was and actually I wasn't even particularly attractive, it was just something they said to try to hurt me because I was a young woman.

Let’s imagine that you’re never going to have a romantic relationship, there still many other ways to can have a good life.
You need to find a good circle of friends, try activities like choir, walking groups, etc.
Also, if you have a spare room, could you foster a child?
Being ugly may have deprived you of romance but it’s your self esteem what is not allowing you to live the life to the full.

I think the comments say everything about the blokes and the type of men they are and nothing about you. Blokes Making these comments to/about women are trying to look cool in front of their mates. These are not the type of men whose opinion women should value. They put people down to make themselves look better, they have delicate egos.

OP forget wanting a man or wanting male attention, focus on getting happy within yourself and leading a fulfilling life independently. I do believe there is someone for everyone BUT it’s too much to expect them to make your life complete.

Concentrate on yourself and doing things for you. If it helps confidence wise get your colours done, a full make over, a hair cut. Exercise daily, those endorphins can lift a low mood and build confidence. Join clubs, groups, walk peoples dogs, aim to slowly build your social circle and make some new friends. It might be that you need a low dose of antidepressants to shake things up, alongside talking therapies.

I can't suggest anything, but you sound very low, and sad.
I'm sorry this is how you feel.
I don't want to say anything trite, or patronising.
I wish you well.

I was like this. Men think it’s fine to just grab hold of you, comment on you, try to pull you constantly. It really really put me off men as a young woman. They scared me, l just felt like l was their communal property. Horrible.

I’m with someone now. He’s very respectful. But it took a long time.

Op would you consider anti depressants? I honestly don’t think anyone is really ugly. I suspect you aren’t. You might have body dysmorphia though. Men gave me that little gift too.

My friend has received abuse on the street from men suggesting she has a fat bum and she's one of the skinniest people I know! Don't take abusive comments seriously.

You can be ugly and fat I won't deny it if you say so.

Both has a kind of solution and that solution start changing your own thoughts about yourself. Actitud is half of the deal.

Change your style, lose a bit of weight, or not, just changed your style, be more adventurous and wear that clothes you like but you think nobody will appreciate on you. You will appreciate it!.

Your hair,your glasses if you use ones, anything to make you fell better with yourself.

Changes start form the inside. You don't have to run to get injected half a little of fillers but you can go to a saloon and someone who knows can design a beautiful eyebrows. Eyebrows make a big difference in a face.

Do you use make up? Are you willing to use it? Go on a course. Some people do magic contouring.

And love yourself, that is he most important part. Actitud is half of deal.

My DM used 'unlovely' to describe certain people. Nothing to do with their face or size, but more about their self care - dirty hair, un made up, frumpy/damaged clothes etc etc. And very much to do with their personality - miserable, moany, not smiling, droopy posture etc.
All of those things are fixable.

I bet you don’t look half as bad as you think you do. Could you start doing things to make yourself feel better? Treat yourself to some nice beauty products (nice skincare products and a lip balm if you’re not comfy doing anything else). Start saying nice things to yourself. If you always feel people are judging you then you may look as if you think that which puts people off. Can you get another pet?
Being ‘beautiful’ is not key to having a good life - being happy in yourself is. Be kind to yourself too.

Really sorry to read your post but I doubt you are ugly. However, life as a “fat” woman (your description) is harder … as all the many threads on mumsnet testify. If you have always struggled with your weight, even as a child/teenager, that will have affected your self esteem and made you think (wrongly) that this means you are ugly. Are you on dating apps? My sister met her future husband online aged 39 and had two kids in her 40s. Adoption or fostering, as others have suggested, are also options. Meet up is a great website for meeting friends/possible romantic partners. Put yourself out there, smile, tell yourself you’re worthy of love (you are) best of luck.

I don't think that's the whole truth. What about the husbands of beautiful women - do they never notice other women, never fantasize about them, never cheat? It isn't about how attractive or otherwise the wife is, it's about the need for someone different, "the grass is always greener".

OP, you say that nobody has ever loved you. I would argue that this is very common among beautiful (and indeed average) women too. Being pretty doesn't mean that your parents will love or even like you, and the men who ask pretty women out normally just want a trophy girlfriend that they can brag about and then discard.

Can I just say that being disfigured doesn't stop you from being attractive

Men, as a class, are horrible (notwithstanding the nice ones, blah blah). They've been socialised to objectify women - the contrasting but at root similar experience of the 'beautiful' woman upthread is just as much an example as that. If my sons had ever behaved like the boys you describe in your OP, they would have been in real trouble. Why take the shame of that behaviour on yourself?

Then the word 'ugly'. I've been thinking about all the people I know and I can think of one (one!) person I consider markedly unattractive. But I wouldn't call her ugly. What does that even mean? Buildings can be ugly. Behaviour can be ugly. But people, physically? Nope.

I know we've been banned from talking about self-esteem in response to you, OP, but the hint in your OP about 'how [your] parents are' suggests that your upbringing may possibly have taught you damaging lessons which are affecting you to this day.

@montecarlo7 You’re right, my SIL is incredibly naturally beautiful and man after man has cheated on her, treated her like rubbish. I can still never understand why she isn’t able to find someone who loves and respects her.

I'm late 60s and I can remember back through the years where I've been both put down by blokes and even some "friends" in the looks department but also have been given some lovely compliments too. As a late teenager, I was often hit on by blokes already with someone or married but also, I didn't get the ones I fancied the most, they weren't interested in me.

I did have boyfriends, did get married, divorced many years now and no kids. I know I can look pretty ok a lot of the time but I'm not interested in relationships at this stage of life, I'm pretty ok with being partnerless. I also have a cat.

Blokes are awful at times, usually when in a group, they wouldn't bother to be horrible to you when they are alone. I think a lot of them need to look in the mirror more often too, there are just as many unattractive men around although I think they probably have mirrors that actually do lie.

Honestly, I don’t think most people notice what others look like very much. Not as much as they notice the messages conveyed through expression an body language. Kids can be cruel and it sounds like that has had a lifelong negative impact on you.

My heart goes out to you op. You may not conform to the general view of attractiveness, but as others have said, plenty of 'ugly' people are in relationships and have full lives.
I sensed from your op that you perhaps grew up without much support or love from your parents. If this is the case it may have left you with very low self-esteem, which could have made you defensive and suspicious of people who did make any attempt to connect with you.
Maybe I'm on the wrong track, but if I'm right, counselling might help.
Another thing to improve self-esteem it to help others worse off that you, so perhaps helping out at a charity like MIND or whatever would be good for you.
I am so sorry you've got to 40 and still feel this way.

Haven't rtft yet, but this is what springs to mind whenever anyone mentions ugliness, and it's as true as ever.

TheaBrandt · Today 08:27
At least no one has piped up with that bloody Roald Dahl quote

It was still early 😂

So even if you were on the other end of the spectrum it comes with its own problems and does not guarantee happiness or a good relationship.

The comments you have had shouted at you out of car windows, when you're very beautiful come with the same horrible feeling but instead of 'you're fat' comments, it's comments that turn you into a sexual object and make you feel ashamed for existing. Different comments, same feeling. These men are misogynists and they make all kinds of women feel bad.

OP I've seen both sides of this. I started out as the ugly duckling. As a teenager both girls and boys told me, every single day, that I was ugly and would never have a boyfriend. Something started to change in my late teens and by the time I went to uni I was the hot redhead. I still wasn't conventionally attractive, but men did want to fuck me. They'd still comment on my looks, quite openly. But the thing is as much as you might want to be the attractive one, you'll still be judged for your looks. And that's the problem. Fine, there will a (large) element of physical attraction in whether someone wants a relationship with you. But so many men feel the need to comment on a woman's appearance, and pay no heed to her other qualities.

I think you need help to decouple your self esteem from male approval of your looks. Men can be utter bastards to you whether you're good looking or not. If they think you're attractive, they'll often say you're ugly, just to get their rejection in first.

I'm now happily with a partner but I met him later in life and never did get to have children, because I was too screwed up by the earlier bullying to be able to have a relationship and I couldn't afford to be a single parent. Please do get help to be happier with yourself. There is much more to you than how you look.