Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

I have only read the first few replies but what I picked up on is that anyone with a disfigurement is deemed ugly. I haven't got a disfigurement but interesting how disfigurement is classed as ugly.

The whole theme of this thread (and society) is change yourself to be slightly more acceptable.

Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

You are not an idiot for doing that! In fact, I think it shows there's a tiny flicker of determination that's still there.

When you go out for your walks, keep your head up, meet people's gaze if you can. Try a small nod or a 'hello' if you feel safe enough. Most of the time, that will be it. Occasionally, a short conversation might ensue.

The loneliness statistics are horrendous in the UK. We live in fractured societies. If you meet two people on your walk, the chances are at least
one of them feels lonely some or most of the time. You could really make someone's day.

Start small.

The idea of having a complete beauty revamp can feel like just too much work when you're sad and your confidence is in your boots.

So that would be my suggestion. Keep going on those walks and try to make a small human connection if you can. And build from there.

@IncompleteSenten yes exactly what I was thinking!

I'm sorry you feel this way.

But I don't believe it's how you see it.

There are - let's be frank- some very unattractive people out there who get partners at the drop of a hat.

I know you won't like this or maybe even believe it, but it's very possibly the vibes you give out. If you have always considered yourself ugly, you may come over as withdrawn and standoffish.

Looks only go so far in finding a partner. Look at all the ugly men and women who are married!

It's more about who you are. Your personality.

If men ignore you, why are you waiting for them to make the first move/ contact/ start talking?

I know women who would be considered very plain, (putting it kindly) but they have compensated by being very outgoing, or kind, or good at something (a hobby/sport etc) where they meet other people who see beyond their faces.

If you haven't already, are you making the most of what you could change?

ie lose weight, dress in clothes that suit you, take advice on your hairstyle, go to a department store counter and ask for a make-up makeover? I'm sorry if this sounds patronising, but if you hate your appearance and feel it's the issue, have you asked for help? Do you have a close friend who could give an honest opinion of what might suit you?

I’m sorry to are feeling this way for so long.
have you tired to just accept this and just live yourself for the person you are.
i know it’s a cliche but there is often someone out there for everyone with a similar interest or personality.
maybe the love of cats could bring you together with someone. Nearly 40 isn’t old at all. If you wanted to have a child there are donors. But it’s your personal choice.
having children isn’t easy and also having a partner isn’t easy. There is no perfect for anyone with beauty or kids or partner. Maybe try to learn to love yourself create a network around you of people you can talk to about your interests and maybe join meet up. Please try to find your peace with yourself. Sadly my friend died a couple of weeks ago from a terminal cancer. It will be over one day. Make the most of it while you are here.
Live life and enjoy it for you. All the best to you. X

Yes!

To the posters objecting to the word disfigurement I have reported my post and the two before mine. I am not able to amend mine to express what I actually ment. The poster that singled me out has not answered my later post apologising so I assume they were looking to score points insulting me not help the OP. I have worked throughout my career advancing the lives of people with post trauma issues. I am not an idiot or nasty person who seeks to abuse others. I was tired after a difficult night and wanted to give the OP some advice.

OP I completely understand what you mean but also I do think you need to address your self esteem via therapy and other life changes - not to get laid, but to engage with the world in a more positive way.
There are lots of not at all conventionally attractive people who are extremely charismatic because of the way they affect the world and engage with it. The wonderful Tracy Emin is one who comes to mind.

If you're convinced you're ugly op, then I'm not going to change your mind. I can't see you after all, some people are good looking, others not so much.

So what? Be ugly.

You can still study. Get a job you love. Travel. Have fulfilling hobbies. Meet like minded people, build relationships, maybe settle down if you meet the right one. Enjoy nice food. Go interesting places. Have a nice life.

These things are not exclusively for attractive people - just for people. Both attractive and unattractive people do these things every day.

As others have said- start small.

You don't mention any hobbies or a social life. Or work? Do you work? Do you have women friends?

If you enjoy walking would you consider joining a walking group- going out once a week or month? No one will be judging you on your face there.

Get out and meet people where you all have a common interest, like a hobby or something where everyone is a volunteer.

Rather than focusing on what you don't have, focus on what you can change.

My friend is around 20 stone, and has alopecia.
I have never known her to put make up on, ever.
She is also bubbly, vivacious, exudes warmth and is kindness itself. I'm not kidding when I say she lights up a room and is the lynch pin of her family, her work team and our group of friends.
Her husband is head turning attractive but is utterly devoted to her.
It really isn't all about looks.

Focus on making yourself happier.
What do you like to do? Your daily walk doesn't seem to spark much joy.
Find a hobby that you enjoy and throw yourself into it.
Move to a different area.
Start a uni degree.
Look at what you can do to help others, maybe volunteer?

Actively engaging with meaningful activity is well known to help with depression and improved self esteem.

I honestly believe we put too much emphasis on finding a relationship to make us happy.

OK, you might not be beautiful but you can be a gorgeous person even if you don't want to hear that and dismiss it as a cliche.

Being ugly is hard but it's necessary to find worth and goodness in other things. Career, personal talents, making the world a better place. I know a woman who runs volunteer sessions for children and the elderly in our neighbourhood and she's what you would call 'ugly' but it never crosses your mind because that's not what's important. She's married with children and has a large social network.

People can definitely be awful and can say horrible things. But that's not the be all and end all. And that type of person will often do it to any woman, sexually harassing a woman they find beautiful or insulting a beautiful woman because she rejects them.

The comments about facial disfigurements are upsetting
Not sure if anyone follows Jono Lancaster on socials but he has treacher Collins syndrome and therefore unusual facial features. He is a motivational speaker and incredibly successful (and a bit young fir me but very attractive)

I really disagree with all the comments suggesting hair cuts, make overs, fake tan.
So shallow.
OP listen to the posters that are talking to you about working on your self esteem, addressing your low mood and filling your life with meaningful activities and making friends.

Please join some groups - anything at all that interests you. It's a way of meeting people combined with doing something you're interested in.
And it would be amazing if you could start doing some voluntary work; you'd be helping people at the same time as meeting other like minded volunteers.
I agree with getting another pet, it's very therapeutic, as you know.
These things will fill your mind with positive things to think about, and although this won't stop you from having these feelings about yourself, these activities will take up more space in your brain so that there would be less focus on the negative messages you are giving to yourself.
Please make a GP appointment to discuss how you're feeling and ask to be referred for talking therapy. I guarantee you the therapist will immediately identify work that needs to be done on your self esteem and self worth, they absolutely won't place any emphasis on the way you look, but they will place emphasis on the way you feel you look and explore issues surrounding your confidence.
Good luck OP. You can make positive changes to your life.🤗

And I mean, look at Linda Evangelista. One of the most beautiful .00001 on the planet and now won't leave the house because of bad plastic surgery. She is beautiful but feels hideous. The average or below average woman is probably a lot happier than her.

In what way is Hillary Mantel not attractive? Sorry I don't want to derail the thread, but she was quite a pretty woman, she gained a lot of weight through botched treatments of her endo, but I read her memoir and she describes being a very slim young woman and the photos prove that she was good-looking.

OP, there are women out there who are not attractive in the conventional sense, and they have ended up in abusive or dysfunctional relationships with the most awful kind of men who have exploited that fact. In many ways you've dodged a bullet. Many, many of those women, now trapped or living as single parents, would envy your freedom. It really is a case of the grass being always greener.

You haven't mentioned a job or interests. It does sound as if you need therapy, and the therapist would probably tell you to focus on yourself and not some mythical man. Yes, we are programmed by nature to want a mate, but frankly that need tails off a bit as we get older. Look at the positives -you can study, travel, volunteer, you have the freedom and time to do that. Helping others in sometimes a good way out of depression.

I second this.

I wouldnt say Im exceptionally beautiful, but Im good looking enough. Ive never had a shortage of interest from men... Only it never was the "correct" kind of interest.

I am 40 and single, and have lost interest in dating. I am in the process of becoming a single mom, though.

You sound lonely @SundayMorningTeaForOne. I make up for my lack of romantic relationship with friendships and family. Do you have friends or family you can lean on?

OP, just to reinforce what PPs have said...

Being plain per se isn't a barrier to finding a partner, or friends. I know women right across the 'looks spectrum' and often the happiest relationships are those with the least glamorous people. You might not end up with Brad Pitt (but see below). I know you say you are not depressed or have low self-esteem, but as others have said, the first objective is to care for yourself more and express that by taking more of an interest in clothes/hair etc etc. Not because of the male gaze, but because it will make you feel better about yourself. It signals to the world that you value yourself, you are worth it (excuse cliche) and that communicates to others, both men and women, in terms of gaining respect. It really, really is worth doing.

I read something once in which various women were being completely honest about their relationship history (all kinds of women, from model-beautiful to people who thought they were ugly) and a very beautiful woman said that she'd never had a good relationship in her entire life. She said that her looks attracted the sort of men to whom looks are paramount, and they are not very nice men! To them, women are just trophies, status symbols, and can be ill-treated and discarded pretty brutally. She was lonely and insecure in middle age despite her beauty. She didn't trust men and they'd treated her badly, so being gorgeous isn't always the passport to earthly happiness.

OP, please at least try some of the advice on here - look after yourself, up your personal presentation (it might be great already - I don't know!) for your own sake. Make an effort to meet new people in contexts where nicer, kinder, more thoughtful people tend to go. You are in very young middle-age and you mustn't give up on life! Make some new friends of both sexes and keep busy - is volunteering a possibility in a social environment - ie, not where you'll be alone, but with a team of others? A friend of mine met her partner doing this in her 50s.

Good luck OP, and DO NOT GIVE UP!

Very true. I’m not exceptionally beautiful but I am pretty even at 50. A lot of the attraction is that I’m very smiley though. I just always feel that I could be exactly the same person but if I was ugly no one would be interested.

I have some male friends who I’m pretty sure are only friends with me because they hope for something more. The funny thing is that I’ve got absolutely no sex drive so that wouldn’t ever happen.

I used to be a bit of a floozy so like you, I know what men are like. However, there were a few men (maybe twenty percent?) who didn’t react to my outrageous flirting.

What I would say is that it’s exactly the same for ugly men and to a large degree, short men.

It’s a very sad situation that you find yourself in. It must be dreadful for you to feel so low.

My advice would be to get a dog. You would then have a companion on your daily walk and the opportunity to speak to other dog walkers. In my opinion dogs are by far the most loyal friends you can have.

I hope things improve for you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low, however I have to disagree with your pov about so called ugly people.

Firstly, I'll get slated for saying this, but a large proportion of men are complete arseholes, even the 'nice' ones, they truly believe that women are there for their sexual pleasure and entertainment. It's just how they think. Do not ever place your self worth on what any man thinks of you. I mean have you actually seen men?

Plenty of extremely physically unattractive people have happy lives and partners. They do, it's a fact.

If you are truly unhappy with how you look, you can improve this. Again, not very acceptable to say on here, we are all supposed to love ourselves the way we are. But it's a fact that if you lose some weight, get a good haircut, slap on some make up, buy some nice clothes. You will feel different. I'm not naturally pretty at all, but I can scrub up pretty good.

I sympathise as I have always been ‘ugly’ - hate that word but it is what it is! Boys (mainly) at school used to call me ugly and have horrible nicknames for me. This did abate as I got older and although I got married I didn’t get much male attention beforehand (had a few dates/snogs/one nighters - prob cos they looked at my figure/hair rather than face?!) and I probably ‘settled’ for dh as once I’d met someone compatible who fancied me and vice versa I thought the odds of that happening again were remote (sorry dh!!).
In my younger days (at uni and beyond) I made myself as attractive as I could be without having a face transplant by making most of figure, hair, make-up etc.
I also think I’ve not got jobs cos of how I look (maybe doesn’t apply now I’m in my 50s but def in my 20s) and I’m very self-conscious still when I go anywhere people don’t know me, I think they’re always judging on looks. I have probably cultivated my personality to be friendly, funny, etc so people are ‘attracted’ to me like that and look past the face.
Have you got a nice smile (does a lot for a face), eyes, hair etc? Have you got friends, can you try and meet new people if not? What do you do for work - are you friendly with colleagues. As a friend someone’s looks wouldn’t bother me at all as long as I clicked with them.
I can’t help on the child front but I have friends now who always had boyfriends when younger but for whatever reason ended up not getting married or having children - it’s not all because of looks - also there’s the option of going it alone (don’t recommend unless you have family support).

Reading your post, it sounds like a confidence issue more than anything else. Yes attractive women have doors opened for them, but it doesn’t have to be the opposite end of the scale for more plain women.

I have worked with many plain women in the past, and they were all married and had busy social lives. Your post tried to say your looks have held you back, but honestly, I read it as you holding yourself back.

I don’t often say this but I do think you are someone who would benefit from therapy. You need to build that confidence and self esteem up.

Was just thinking precisely that.