Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Yeah but can that shoulder push bale hay? 🙄

No sane woman would post pictures of herself on this thread.

I strongly suspect that's a picture of a woman you don't like for some reason, that you are absolutely well aware that she is not in very good shape, and you've posted that picture to provoke nasty comments about her figure.

Maybe start off with a good friend, as I do like other suggestions that will maybe help you to feel better about yourself but I well think that can start with friendship. Do you have any hobbies at all? Could you develop one and try and find likeminded people and then join them in embracing some of the ideas on here.
I m not sure I agree with just trying to change your face or wear more make up as I think the confidence has to come from within, and I think having a good friend will help you to see what you have to offer.

im sad you feel the way you feel, genuinely but you are right about life being difficult for unattractive people. It's strange as I do the best I can with myself but I am not attractive. I wear make up, dress nicely, have a reasonable figure for my age but I have a very sharp, pointy, uneven face with wonky teeth and cross eyes. I'm not attractive. But sometimes I am grateful for that because I've had to develop a personality and I have done that and therefore I can say I'm unattractive but I'm a popular member of our social group, stand out at work, am kind and compassionate. But I'd also go as far as to say I'm ugly. It's not that people have said that to me or anything. I just know I am. On photos I'm never the attractive one but it's all in your head really as when I make the effort I can lie to myself that I look good. I'm blessed. I genuinely believe it in that moment. But I think for me it's a sliding scale. For me I look good. So I'm a 7/8 today as I've made an effort, slapped some make up on and I'm feeling confident in myself. But put me next to an attractive woman and I know the reality is that I'm a 3 😂. And this is the reason I don't want a photographer at my wedding as I know people say that you should feel like a princess on your wedding day and I will. I really will. But then I'll look back at photos and realise i actually didn't and so I'll stick with my memories.

my point is it's trickery really. Mind games you can play with yourself ❤️

I couldn't give a shit what comments people make about my body. They wouldn't be any worse than when I was fat. If I was vain I wouldn't have posted a photo of myself in a field wearing my scrubs and with my hair looking shit. It's not even that flattering a photo as my arms look chubbier than they are due to the position.

I know I'm in better shape than the majority of UK women (despite what Ilyama the hidden supermodel says lol) and tbh I actually started lifting weights for health reasons and as stress relief, not to look good. Most of my training focuses on performance and with a 145kg deadlift I'm classed in the 'elite' category for women although I don't compete.

The responses say far more about the people leaving them than about me. The accusations that I'm happy to 'settle' for a guy that thinks I'm ugly but wants my body. The insinuation that I'm only after a quick shag and don't value an intellectual match etc.

The truth is that I'm happily engaged, have a good job, and have a very positive outlook on life. I posted a photo without really thinking and that's pretty much the sum of it. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it and I'm surprised that other posters are given that they're all in much better shape than me and so happy with their lot. You'd think they'd go easy on me out of pity lol.

Anyway, I hope the OP finds happiness. I'm off to the gym.

I think you look in great shape.

And agree. Any woman who isnt overweight will find it quite easy to get a partner.

Not sure if op is still on this thread, although her last post said she didnt want to make it about self-esteem. I think that is where you are lacking.

I doubt like saying bad stuff about others, but I see lots of 'ugly', overweight and obese women who are married or have partners. I really dont think looks facially or physically is why you've never been in a relationship.

There is so many ways to connect with people these days. And it's still not too late.

I know the feeling and I developed a don't give a shit attitude very young. I met my husband at 16 and we got married when I was 17 still together now at 41. But even he has made comments about his friends why he got with me. Last week he said if it wasn't for him I would never have had children. But I don't make an effort at all my hairs always in a bobble don't own any make up and I developed rosecsa (don't know if that's spelt right) on my face while pregnant half on my face is full of broken veins. He even says I should wear make up but why should anyone have to change to suit others. There is someone out there for everyone just hard to find sometimes.

Sal

How old is your husband?

I'm not pretty either and when I was younger I had acne, loads of horrible blackheads, greasy skin that nothing seemed to help. My hair was frizzy, I have a wide nose that is too big and dark circles under my eyes, I have always struggled with my weight and have noticed that male attention goes up and down depending on my weight.

I had a lot of rejection from men in my youth, I did have boyfriends but often I would be rejected outright or even if the guy went out with me he always let me know that I wasn't pretty, didn't have good enough legs to wear a certain skirt, that I was too fat. I never felt like I was prized and adored and as soon as some better looking girl came along I'd be dropped and sometimes then they would try and come back to me like I was only good as a stop gap. Guys my own age didn't get crushes on me and ask me out only older men seemed to like me probably because they thought I'd be easy pickings.

When I was 19 I had a good male friend at university, I hadn't been thinking about him that way at all really but everyone told me "Gareth really likes you" "Gareth is crazy about you" and I noticed and could see and feel it too, how he'd always be focused on me 100%, how he lit up when we were together and he always wanted to be near me. So one night I asked him how he felt and he told me to my face how he didn't fancy me and said "I like girls that look like that and he pointed across the room at a pretty, petite blonde with silky hair and a tiny nose. He said he did like me better than any girl he'd ever met but not to look at. Anyway I was devastated and our friendship was ruined after that as well as any trust I had in knowing when try and advance a relationship. Funnily enough Gareth didn't have a girlfriend for many years at all and when he did finally get one she looked very much like me, so I think he spent a lot of time holding out for someone out of his league. Often the only men who would pursue me were much older men who probably thought I'd be grateful for the attention but I've never liked much older men and would rather be alone.

I wish I could have been pretty to benefit from the halo effect or projecting all these positive traits onto to pretty people, I think it opens a lot of doors and have seen it happen where the best looking get the chances that others equally talented or even more so get passed over for. I've been guilty of it myself seeing someone beautiful as more special or deeper than they really are. I like looking at pretty girls too, we all do I think.

I do have a husband now and I'm older so even the prettiest girls of my youth have wrinkles, grey hair poking through and saggy bits so its all evens out in the end I guess. I appreciate that being pretty might have drawbacks like I can imagine that if I'd been prettier I might have not met my husband as I wouldn't have been single. I would love to experience what it is like though to be a beautiful girl born to a nice middle class family as opposed to a plain / ugly one born poor.

46

Thanks and I agree.

I often feel like you could do a brain transplant of a confident person in many of these situations and the results would be quite different. Self esteem was definitely my main failing but the way I gained it was by improving my figure as that's where my insecurity lay.

Same with my job. I suffered mild imposter syndroms and was only able to overcome it by getting to a stage of competence where I knew I was competent because the results were clear and inarguable.

I have a better body than face (face is fabulous, but my body is out of this world, obviously!) but if I could choose I'd have it the other way round.
Attitudes to women's bodies have changed over the last decade or so, and amongst young women in particular, being slim isn't considered that important for attractiveness. A pretty face and lovely hair tends to be far more important, with many young women who are considered exceptionally attractive being significantly overweight. I think the emphasis on being slim is more of an older woman's preoccupation.
(Not that that's remotely helpful to the OP, but the thread appears to have taken a tangential turn.)

I’m pretty average but have found it really interesting that very attractive women I know haven’t had the best time with men. It’s all been based on looks and they’ve found it incredibly difficult as they’ve aged, they feel they haven’t got anything that makes them attractive anymore. There’s a real crisis that is totally alien to me. Relationship success isn’t really to do with looks, more personality and confidence.

As for blokes catcalling, I’ve always been a bit more alternative so have had the ‘don’t fancy yours much mate’ etc loads. These blokes just have to be written off as brainless turds. You don’t want to take notice of that type of man. Their opinion is worth fuck all.

As someone else suggested, get a dog rather than a cat, it’s so much more sociable, and dog people are genuinely very nice. You just need to start getting out there and not thinking about how you look, it shouldn’t make a difference. We’re all individuals and most of us aren’t model pretty, and that’s a bit of a curse anyway.

I always wonder if part of the issue with extremely attractive people is that they constantly have new people chatting them up. I'd imagine it's easier to get the wandering eye when you can get pretty much anybody you want.

Any woman who isnt overweight will find it quite easy to get a partner

sure. But it’s not any bloke will do. It’s a decent partner, a good partner. A kind, intelligent, partner, a loving partner, even a financially stable partner, a partner we find attractive, have shared values with. That’s what a partner is. Not getting with some random who wants sex.

And no any women who isn’t overweight can’t just get one. Look how many marriages end in divorce. How many women in unhappy relationships. Women who are a healthy weight.

As relationships and being with the right person is so so much more complex than body weight alone.

physical attraction is key in the first stages, but it’s not what takes it from a shag, dating to a relationship, and a then committed one at that.

Your husband sounds horrid

Of course you would have kids if it wasnt for him.

Any woman who isnt overweight will find it quite easy to get a partner.

That simply isn't true.

sure. But it’s not any bloke will do. It’s a decent partner, a good partner. A kind, intelligent, partner, a loving partner, even a financially stable partner, a partner we find attractive, have shared values with. That’s what a partner is. Not getting with some random who wants sex.

Well, yeah, that kind of goes without saying. But if you're extremely overweight you limit your options unless you're famous or have some other asset (e.g. with men it could be lots of £££).

I wasnt commenting in terms of getting a good partner.

Op said she had never been asked out at all, or ever had anyone say yes when she asked them out. She things she is so repulsive looking and this is the reason why she hadnt had a single date. I'm saying no that's not the reason at all. Anyone can get a date.

It is true though. Even average looking women are absolutely inundated on dating websites in a way that men just aren't.

I met loads of nice men while OLD but I had pretty strict criteria/standards for who I'd meet in RL. In the end though I met my partner through a friend by chance, but I'm confident I'd have met somebody via dating if not. I don't believe in 'the one'. I believe there are normally several that fit the bill and maybe even more that appear to but ultimately don't.

Yes, it requires some effort but it's about as easy as it's ever going to be if you have a reasonable personality and are slim. I imagine it's way harder for average looking men that aren't confident, for example.

No, i dont think there's a link. If attention happens all the time there's no novelty to it and you're not going to have your head turned by just another man's bla bla bla.
I think with men the opposite can be true actually. Men get very little attention compared to women, less attractive ones practically none. They tend to be the ones who get over excited by any interest because they don't want to let a rare opportunity slip by.

No, I'm sorry but it isn't true. You don't get uglier with every passing year. It's actually very insulting what you're saying.

Disagree on the not being overweight will find you a man. I am considered fairly slim at 8 and a half stone and around 5'3. It's my face that is the issue. Very long, massive, pointy nose, thin lips, no boobs. Pale. I could go on and on. Only thing I have going for me is bright green eyes but even they are overshadowed by the massive nose. I unfortunately inherited my nose from my grandmother and the thin lips too. I've been slimmer in my youth also but again, that didn't change a thing. My face is unfortunately just really ugly and unpleasant to look at.

We are not talking about 'average looking women'. We are talking about ugly women.

This!

I am average looking. I have been rail thin and overweight. I’ve had a more or less successful marriage for over thirty years and had two children. I went through the same thing around age forty.

I think if a person is at all insightful there comes a time when one realizes, often reluctantly, that the only relationship of stellar value is the one we have with ourselves.

Other relationships are the icing but the relationship we have with ourselves is the cake. I am not saying to love yourself because I absolutely hate that advice. It is trite and doesn’t tell you how.

If I were to tell you how I came to accept and appreciate myself it most likely would have no value to you. There are systems, religious or not. There are affirmations and self confidence classes and online programs or books everywhere.

At the very core of all of these is the acceptance that nobody is going to come and rescue you from yourself. No matter how pretty, thin or rich you are. No matter how the beauty culture, romance and sex industries, not to mention social media, make it look externally.

The journey is inward. Pick a system that appeals to you and come to know and understand yourself.

Happy trails.

PLEASE STOP deriding yourself like this!