Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

@Comedycook I agree that plenty of women are just unattractive and/or fat rather than ugly. But it seems disingenuous to say that you never see a truly ugly woman. Perhaps you're very unobservant, or perhaps you live somewhere where those women hide themselves away, or somewhere chic and expensive where really ugly women (who are realistically speaking unlikely to have a rich spouse or a great job) can't afford to live. If you live in a fashionable part of London you're far less likely to see ugly women than if you live in a poor town in Scotland, for instance.

Wow! Yes, mind never catching up with the face! I still feel like how can my boyfriend want to be with an absolute dog like me! You never get over being ugly, really.

Can you hold an interesting conversation - up to date on world happenings, politics, local politics, etc ?

this, to an extent. The op said men when they approach their group don’t talk to her, but I wondered if she talks to them as her friends do,or sits silently expecting to be ignored. Yes people can be arseholes, but seldom if you say something to a stranger in this sort of setting do they totally ignore you and refuse to respond.

the op also seems reticent to change her aappearance even though she’s unhappy with it . Which we all know can be done and drastically but with effort. Weight has the biggest impact on our appearance, either under or over when significant.

I gained weight over the last 18 months or so, went from a 10 to an 18 and back to a 12 now as I lost weight over the last 5 months , but the difference in my face has been astonishing.

I went from a slim face with high cheekbones and deep set eyes, to a round moon face with triple chins, no cheekbones and hooded puffy eyes and now back again. Even now I catch sight of myself in the mirror and am quite shocked by just how different my face looks.

@ilyana I hear you. I don't bother anymore. Several hundred £££ later and I realised I'm happier at home with a glass of wine and a box set. I know people make these suggestions on here with good intentions ( go to MeetUp! Join a gym!) But in reality doing these things can sometimes just make you feel even worse about yourself. As you said: it's shit.

i say this only as a VERY ugly woman who faked vague prettiness through diet exercise hair make up in my 20s and somehow got married and had kids. having children may not be what you imagine so be careful. One of My children has inherited my ugly features, fatness and my cystic acne, and terrible skin. Watching them experience what I also went through is excruciatingly painful..she now has anxiety and depression because of it. I feel awful for bringing her into this world with my awful genes but of course I never show it. Just be aware that history repeats itself often in families and think carefully about having kids. These are my private thoughts and honesty, sorry if it upsets you.

I asked a self defined 'ugly' woman on a thread once what made her ugly. I was expecting her to respond with either a list of subjective or 'fixable' characteristics related to body shape, quality of hair or skin, bad teeth etc, with maybe the odd fixed facial feature that wouldn't be considered attractive by most. She very frankly responded describing a list of features that each one taken separately would be seen by most as undesirable, but when put together would clearly result in an appearance so far from what is considered attractive in a human face, that she would indeed stand out because of it.
Like many posters on here, I'd been poised to advise on 'improvements' and self esteem. But it stopped me in my tracks and I realised that would be very patronising to a woman with a mirror, who is telling us what she looks like.
I think the flat out denial that ugliness exists isn't helpful as it reinforces the idea it's shameful. A bit like people insisting a size 16 cant be fat instread of saying you're of value even if you are fat, or in this case ugly.

Good point. Also, a lovely sense of humour and a genuine smile never fails to win people over. Join a slimming group, you will for sure make friends. Act positive.. I do tend to avoid really very negative people whatever they look like. Have a goal, ie, joining a dating site, selling plants on a market stall and make baby steps towards reaching it. You might be surprised.

PS … I wanted to say, you sound like a lovely lady.

Just checking in again, OP.

I too have been thinking of you. You are young and your life is still ahead of you.

I know you may think many of us are being glib with advice about hair and clothes etc but I would urge you to give it a go if you can afford it - what have you got to lose? And you might find it helps to show how much you value yourself in your presentation. As I said before - it's not about the male gaze but about caring for yourself and that's so important. Of course, you may already be doing this, in which case - sorry for redundant advice.

Put some time into researching both jobs and hobbies which are likely to attract kinder, less judgmental people too. You don't need vile people in your life, so try to eliminate them as much as is in your power. Also, have a few stored-up come-backs ready for horrible people. Revolting scummy men are often taken aback by someone just coming back at them. Even saying 'You haven't looked in a mirror recently, then?' is better than nothing.

You are so, so worth it - please don't lie down and take it! Even if you are inclined to dismiss most of what's been said here, I think you should make some positive changes and just see if it improves life for you.

Good luck! x

I don't know what the OP wanted from her thread, other than 'getting it all out'.

A few posters have asked her since, and she's not replied, only counter-acted their advice with a 'can't do, it's all too late' response.

@SundayMorningTeaForOne If you are still reading, what is it that you want?

Do you want advice and suggestions?

There are some lovely, well-meaning people here who are trying to help.

But is that what you want?

If this was just a 'This is my life, it's how it is always going to be, and I hate it' fair enough.

If you are receptive to suggestions and want help maybe you can come back and say what you feel able to try.

You don't sound depressed but to be honest you do come over as 100% negative and unwilling to embrace some ideas on how you could change your life.

It's not disingenuous, it's true. Very few women are actually ugly if they have the time and money to spend on their appearance.

In most cases it's because they need better (fitting) clothes, a haircut/touch of colour, maybe work done on their teeth, they're overweight or stressed out or all five! Seriously - very little is unfixable if you can afford it. I do live in a fairly affluent place (although it's hardly Kensington or Mayfair - just a well-to-do-ish town in the south of England).

Yes exactly. I live in London but not a trendy place...suburbs. I do see lots of women who at first glance may look unattractive but it's mainly fixable. They are often just skint, exhausted...not enough time or money. As an experiment I just googled ugly...even the results didn't look like ugly people to me. Ugly is an absolutely dreadful word. As for men...I mean who cares. Some men have thought I'm stunning and some men wouldn't touch me with a barge pole..

This is an incredibly sad thread - sad and frustrating in equal measure. That a society structured toward patriarchal interests should make anyone so disgusted by their own looks that they will resort to expensive, painful or dangerous surgery affects me on a really visceral level. It's a faulty, superficial, diseased society which is at fault for this state of affairs, not the individual who is naturally distressed by it.

If you view yourself as beautiful, or even conventionally attractive, it's good to have that confidence. I've nothing to say about my own perception of myself: first because I don't think it a consideration that matters, second, because I'm not the one who can make that judgment call. We can never know how others see us; nor would there be an evolotionary advantage to our species if we were all attracted to exactly the same people. I've been attracted to some people in the past who returned my interest and others who've had no spark or inclination toward me whatsoever. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Another important point is that everyone's looks are fleeting. Age the great leveller is going to catch up with every one of us one day, if we're lucky. And if it does, this is a privilege rather than the reverse: one that not all of us will have. This will likely affect people in different ways considering their value system and what store they set by other things in life, aside from superficial appearance.

As far as I'm concerned, the invisibility some women dread is the reverse of anything to regret. Value yourself and you don't need validation of your appearance by superficial male strangers who think women are put on this planet to decorate it for them.

Fuck. That.

What? That woman is attractive to start with - look at her symmetrical face, large eyes, full lips and good bone structure. Hardly an example of the wonders of make-up - personally I prefer her without the make-up.

If that's supposed to inspire us ugly-mugs to cake the slap on - that woman is as far removed from what I look like as an alien from planet unknown.

What an awful thing of your mum to say. Did you tell her how awful it was? It is so hurtful though and easier to just be quiet. But she was wrong and you know it.

@LilacRain12 she was talking about you achieving things, she herself merely achieved being a terrible parent in saying such a thing to her own child.

Exactly. Without makeup she looks like a young Angelina Jolie. With it she looks like Alien AI Barbie. We have very strange ideas of beauty if we think she's plain without makeup and better with it.

It shows how she really feels. That I am a disappointment and an embarrassment. Yet she questions why I have such low self esteem. Madness.

Value yourself and you don't need validation of your appearance by superficial male strangers who think women are put on this planet to decorate it for them

But OP would like a meaningful relationship, she's not looking for validation by male strangers. She can value herself all she likes, if she's not attracting a partner then all the self value in the world won't plug that loneliness.

@LilacRain12 you achieved a BA?!? Bloody well done, I didn’t make it through my diploma it was that friggen tough. That is a fantastic achievement and you did not deserve that comment.

Great post seraphina

op i'm so sad for u and sorry this has been your life. i really hope that you can take some of the good advice given here and use it to advantage yourself.

op sorry i meant to say also, go and adopt a couple of cats who need a home, their love outweighs human love at times.

Stop peddling the narrative that people get 'uglier' with age. It's disgusting, untrue and damaging. Stop saying looks fade. Just stop FFS.

I see it constantly on this site 'your looks will fade'. It's absolutely vile.