Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Somebody like Camille Cottin who has a very large, protruding nose yet is considered highly attractive

This woman is no where near "ugly". Please don't further minimise how it feels to be unattractive.

Men aren't the arbiters of, well, anything. Liking a guy who doesn't feel the same isn't the definition of ugliness. Why do you think this?

Trust me, I'm not minimising. It's all subjective , I've felt ugly myself on many occasions and only feel better now I've 'fixed' the physical features I disliked. I've been called ugly too. I'm saying that people can have so called ugly features and this doesn't mean they are 'ugly' as a whole.

Make up,a good figure and nice clothes etc don't give immunity from the nasty comments though. I am thinking of a politician, I won't name her, who gets slated constantly for the way she looks. I think she looks okay. She's young. Has beautiful hair, very slim and fit, dresses stylishly, wears full make up. But she's got quite a long thin face and prominent teeth, and obviously that's what these cunts (male and female) pick on. The name calling is cruel and relentless on s/m. 'Horse face' and all that. I think also of Arlene Foster, who again looks perfectly fine, dresses well, but because she looks a little butch and naturally has quite an intense expression, she gets dragged continually too. Or Margaret Beckett back in the day. It's not about failure to 'make an effort'. Making an effort isn't good enough for the bullies. The common denominator is misogyny, both the male and the internalised. Societies have real problems with women who look unconventional, have asymmetrical features, or look more masculine than average. Whether it's cultural or has some evolutionary-biological basis, god only knows, But it seems to cut across times and races and cultures. It's horrible. Yes I agree with you about a bump on the nose, irregular teeth etc, or facial hair, monobrows - those things can be fixed, others can't., easily. How you overcome it depends on the sensitivity, mental state and resilience of the person being attacked too, I suppose.

I hope these comments have been helpful, OP. I really, really feel for you, it sounds like you have a lot of pain. We all feel horrible pain like this at some points, life can be so cruel. Some of us can see - clear as day- that we are all the same in this, we are all connected to each other, and we want to help each other out. So please, if there are kind and loving people in your life who want to help, accept help wherever you can. When your life is on a high (it will get there), you can be the one to help others.

Much love to you xxxxx

@SundayMorningTeaForOne I too have felt ugly for most of my life so can empathise with how you feel. I too am a huge cat lover and absolutely believe that an animal can be the best of friends and the loss of that relationship is a bereavement as any other. I do have a partner, but not many friends; I'd be happy to make a new friendship so please do feel free to message me if you'd like to chat. You never know, we might be in the same area and could take a walk.

What does she owe you? She already replied earlier.

Ive been thinking about you all day OP, even though I was at work for 8 hours. I’m really saddened that you feel this way but I can see why. I hope you get another beautiful kitty and feel free to PM me.

It's not about making an effort, I'm sure OP does, it's about whether her current style compliments her in the best way. Yes unfortunately there will always be trolls and bullies out there, their comments are disgusting. They will target certain people, I mentioned SJP above who has been voted one of the ugliest celebrities.

@greenteaandmarshmallows thank you apology accepted. I had been terribly upset all day.
Sometimes our brain picks up on words not normally used by us if we are tired (I am unwell at present with a relapse of a health issue).
I do know about facial differences. I grow up with a huge broken nose from 2 (not the worse thing I know) My mother (a beauty) thought it was character building. Bloody old cow. At 21 I had it fixed after a childhood of name calling and bullying. I have spent my working life in the beauty industry. I work with plastic surgeons, dermatologists, abuse charities etc. We're not all peddling the myth of the elixar of youth. I am very well known. And yes I am on TV. However sometimes a little colour can be transformative. It is also art to me.
I am married but I can honestly say I have never put make up on for a man. I actually don't like them very much. If another woman admires my lipstick that makes my day. I have a DD who was attacked for being beautiful. She has sought to change her gender which I believe to be connected to the constant misogyny directed at her. She is now at university and becoming a furious feminist.
We are all different but I get the loneliness factor. Until I met my husband I was the unwanted child.
My books and my dog were my friends. I hope the OP tries some of the suggestions.

I am another ugly, or was. All these normal people do not get it. There is a HUGE difference between being average or even plain, and being downright ugly. I know. I have had A LOT of plastic surgery which has taken me from downright ugly, to average (can't do much about that underlying bone structure) It is exceedingly difficult to have an ugly face and maybe I am the only person replying who has been both hideously ugly, and just ok looking.

You can't change something's in life but you can change how you react to them. I would work on my mental health with an aim to feel comfortable with who I am. Consider what you want in life, is it a partner? A baby? Then look at how to achieve that. You could look at using personal ads or do some online dating research. You could look into how you could have a baby without a partner. What support there is from services.

It’s terrible that we are supposedly a sophisticated society yet discrimination against people with random physical characteristics they cannot help and are born with still occurs. I am not in this group myself so cannot comment but I’ve seen it play out and it sickens me.

It’s toxic patriarchy that places so much emphasis on looks for women. Attractive ones get on yes but thats a poisoned chalice we are also subject to men’s hatred if we don’t fancy them and get leered at on a daily basis. Plus we all age out eventually anyway. The utopia is that looks matter far less and we are genuinely valued as the people we are not our outward appearance which is a random lottery.

I was about to say pretty much the same! And op im the same age as you. I don’t feel pretty at all though and I think that is Because of the way men have treated me. There’s some good make up/ hair tutorials on youtube that are easy but do it for you not for men, they ain’t all they’re cracked up to be! I think confidence can change the way people see you aswell so try and work on your self Confidence, im trying to get mine back through therapy and I would recommend maybe looking in to that. I know of people less pretty than me who get lots of
attention due to the fact they radiate self
confidence and are happy in their own skin. 💐

I don't agree that being attractive or even beautiful is in any way comparable to what the OP is describing. The most beautiful women in the world are able to play down their looks if they so choose and pass largely under the radar. No one is so facially beautiful to every man that if they dress to minimise their attractiveness they will be subject to constant harassment. Obviously they shouldn't need to play down their looks but at least the option is there, unlike for ugly women who can't hide their faces.
And yes, men turn nasty when rejected by good looking women and may insult them. But there's a huge difference between being insulted when you believe it's baseless (because you know you're beautiful, you said so!) and when you believe what they're saying to be true.
I'm a good looking woman. I've experienced harassment from men. Would I compare my experiences to that of an ugly woman? No, as it would be completely tone deaf. Being good-looking for all its (minor) disadvantages is a privilege, that very women suffer because of, and it's offensive to the OP to suggest we're all in the same boat, when I'm fairly certain not one 'beautiful' woman would swap and be 'ugly'.

You’re right, it wasn’t helpful. And I missed the response.

Probably seen too many threads started by people who never return. Apologies OP.

I have some friends that are overweight and unattractive. Many of them are liked by many people and people treat them super well because they have a really attractive personality.

I feel for you I do. Society has lost what is normal, without makeup. You are just a normal woman, there's nothing wrong with that. Please have a look at people without their make-up videos, just to have a reality check of what women look like naturally. I hope that it makes you realise, we are all just average without the make-up skills to look the way most look today. I have no make-up skills at all, and to be honest, I wouldn't feel great with so much make-up on, but that's just me. Make-up definitely gives you confidence. Confidence is attractive. If you want to lose weight a health way, read the obesity code by Dr. Jason Fung.

it's offensive to the OP to suggest we're all in the same boat, when I'm fairly certain not one 'beautiful' woman would swap and be 'ugly'.

That's the key point, I guess. While neither guarantees a perfect life without shit from men (and I'd love to know what does), which would any of us rather be if those were our choices?

You mentioned that you'd had therapy in the past @SundayMorningTeaForOne and I wonder if that might help you now?

Reading your update, you come across as slightly defensive and also not willing to take on board any of the helpful suggestions that posters have given you.

It's all very negative from you. People were trying to be kind to you and make helpful suggestions.

For example, you don't have to go overboard and do the 'fake ten, nails, make up' etc . Most women don't live like that! But if you feel that 'being ugly' is the cause of all your unhappiness, what's lost by investing in advice on make up, hair and clothes?

You are only 40. It's not too late to create the life you want.
You can certainly make new friends, or even change your job. Working part time must hold you back in some ways unless you are doing something very well paid.

The point is you have given yourself the 'ugly' label. And you're trapped in a cycle of thinking you are ugly and blaming everything you're unhappy about on that.

There are plenty of people who aren't oil paintings, but who have partners, fulfilling lives etc because they refuse to let their looks dictate how they think and behave.

@TheWorldisGoingMad Those photos are just scary. Is that the best example of what make up can do for someone? More likely to make the OP run a mile.

I do struggle to understand not because I'm stunningly beautiful but because I never see anyone ugly or hideous as you are describing. I see people who are less attractive but actual ugliness is not something I see. Sometimes when I see less attractive people, I can easily spot a way in which they could look better...hair, make up, a different style of dress. But actual hideous looking people are not something I see

@Theworldisgoingmad that's not makeup it's photoshop.

I think it’s the word “ugly” which is causing the issue. Ugly means unpleasant, distasteful , repulsive, for many people. Which is why many of us struggle to accept the use of the word when applied to someone’s looks, as we have not felt that reaction ever looking at someone.

where as for many others it means simply, unattractive. If the op had said, life as an unattractive woman is horrible, it would have had different connotations and responses. It’s the word ugly many of us are struggling with.

unattractive and ugly have two very different meanings for a lot of people. Myself included. I can look unattractive if I don’t make an effort, i can scrub up ok if I do, I have seen unattractive people, but I’ve never ever met someone who I would consider ugly.

so I think it’s the word itself that’s causing the disconnect.

I have no idea if you are actually ugly or not but if you don’t feel confident with your appearance - have you tried to enhance it - loose weight if you need to, groomed eyebrows, good hair-cut, etc. Dress well.

Can you change job so that you will be working with a larger group of people ? Have you hobbies and interests ? Volunteering ? Can you hold an interesting conversation - up to date on world happenings, politics, local politics, etc ? How do you feel you come across to others leaving looks aside - are you a good listener ? Can you carry a conversation ? Might you come across as domineering or loud ? Or the opposite - meek and mild ? It sounds trite but you need to get out there and create opportunities for friendships, etc.

Loads of people find it difficult to meet someone in real life/day to day situations these days - have you tried online dating ?

It is difficult to ‘put yourself out there’ but you are not going to find a fulfilling life indoors by yourself. Maybe stop hiding behind your feelings of being ugly ?

It's both, but a lot of it is makeup.

It will look very different in real life, though.

Makeup, skilfully applied, can make a huge difference. Witchcraft, sometimes. This shouldn't surprise people. We've all seen optical illusions.