Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Do you have a particular feature that you think makes you ugly? That might be something you can alter. The other thing is that some famous people who to me seem ugly in their features don't look ugly in total e.g Zoe wannamaker.

Sadly I think thr poster who said she was beautiful was attacked for exactly that reason, she is beautiful. Which proves her point. It’s not always easier.

Not to discredit your hardships op, but I guess I'm consider conventionally attractive and it has never worked well for me.

The attention I receive is cat calling, pestering, and crossing my boundaries/harassment.

The men I've been with have all disrespected me and used me for my body. I struggle to find a man that sees me past my looks (and I'm not a stunner they are just all really superficial)

So the grass isn't always greener. I don't know if it's worse to be ignored and preyed on....

*or not and

At school I compared myself unfavourably to who I perceived as pretty, popular, cleaver girls in my class. I know now that I’d have still felt like I did if I’d have been born with their characteristics. Something else must have been going on with me.

I realise now that they were no more attractive than anyone else and what actually made them stand out and shine was maybe self acceptance, confidence, self awareness, self respect, self love, knowing how to use what they had to make the most of their attributes. Something like that.

I’ve heard on the grapevine, someone who needs to look good for their job, it’s not necessary to be beautiful, only to appear beautiful.

I’m sorry for your experiences and I’m not surprised it has affected your self esteem. From your post you sound intelligent, witty and down to earth, plus you have interests and empathy. With all that you can be happy - even without good looks or a man.

To me you don’t sound depressed but you do sound like you are going through a rough patch and could do with making some changes in your life. My suggestions are based on some of the things that have brought me happiness in my life and DONT rely on a man/friends/family.

Do get another pet. We love our pets so much and losing them is very upsetting. I’m sure you gave yours a wonderful life and now you are able to do the same for another. Since you work part time you could consider getting a dog. Do you like dogs at all? I have dogs and cats and can honestly say the love and companionship you get from a pooch is beyond compare. Plus it’s company for lovely walks each day and will get you exploring new places and talking to new people. We dog owners are a friendly bunch. But failing that defo get a cat.

Have you thought about volunteering? Look for something that matches your interests. I have done lots of volunteer gardening and conservation projects as that’s my thing but I’d love to volunteer at an animal rescue or greyhound rescue. It’s very rewarding and another great way to meet new people whilst giving a little back. Most people who volunteer are nice folks who I think you will find share your values.

Finally, meditation is great for finding your inner peace and the happiness within. I’m not remotely flaky or new age - I’m a very down to earth person. But I have practised meditation off and on for years and have always found it to improve my general level of contentment significantly. Going in person is great but you can do it on zoom too or even on your own with apps or YouTube.

Sending you hugs and hoping you find a happier place soon.

everything you say is true. I was ugly but I had soooooo much plastic surgery. Yes, boys and men LOVE to let ugly women know they are ugly. Yes, you get treated like you don’t exist.

I am now utterly average -plastic surgery can only do so much when your bone structure is the way it is. The difference in how you are treated as an average woman and an ugly one is night and day

I was so traumatised by dealing with being so ugly that I decided I would never have kids because I could never risk passing on my dna and having a child look like me.

OP i dont' have time to read the whole thread so maybe someone else has said this but - the looks thing is something of a distraction. It's often not really about that.
I know at least two of my close friends (one male, one female) who are attractive, intelligent, popular, witty and both reached their mid-forties without ever having had long term relationships. There is nothing wrong with them - they are great and each is very attractive and well liked and the centre of their social circles, but somehow no partners. Sometimes it just happens that way.

However - the man has just within the last six months met his first ever proper partner - at age 45 - at a time i know he is very unhappy with the large amount of weight he has gained quite suddenly in recent years. So for him at least it's been more of a change in attitude than a sudden increase in his attractiveness.

Don't mean to sound trite. It's just been quite interesting to watch (as a single person myself it has made me think)

Good luck. Hope you can find stuff that makes you happy, as that is always attractive. (and if noone has said it, get a dog! I'm a total cat person too, but dogs give british people a great excuse to talk to each other, so they are very useful if you dont' have a lot of people in your life)

Also join FB, join lots of dog and puppy groups, only click on dog or puppy posts or videos until your algorithm is spamming you all day with stuff that puts a smile on your face….or cats/kittens if you prefer.

Get a dog. You’ll love it and it will love you. Dogs are the best company! It will force you out of the house. You’ll walk more which will be good exercise and boost your endorphins and possibly help with weight loss. You’ll meet people out on walks so you’ll be more social.

I’m sorry to read this and I’m not going to patronise you by saying ‘I’m sure you’re not ugly or beauty isn’t just physical (it isn’t though).

At the risk of sounding like a complete wan**r I’m not ugly, I come from a good looking family, put a lot of effort in to my appearance blah blah. However, I spent most of my 30s & 40s single, I just couldn’t meet anyone! And honestly I’m also a nice person (I don’t go around thinking I’m amazing, I was just trying to emphasise that looks don’t always mean you’re always in a relationship or fighting offers off)! I met my Husband at 45.

A few things
Do you work?
do you live alone?

I think tackle the things you can control

You say you’re overweight and so if it bothers you you can do something about this. Plus I feel like you need more social outlets so maybe join something like slimming world and go to the groups?

Definitely get another pet- a dog maybe?

You clearly love walking and so perhaps join a walking group?

Get a nice haircut?

focus on your best bits, we all have some! Eg I hate my tummy- I have loose skin and it’s the first place I put on weight, it’s gross. I’d love a tummy tuck but I’m too scared! But my legs are ok so put more effort in to them 😂..

Oh and you could foster a child
and you’d get paid? I think perhaps focus yourself first but it is an option.

Anyway, good luck. I hope try some new
things and come back and tell us how you’re doing!

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. I hope you manage to work on your self esteem issues. This will probably sound cheesy but I can't think of any truly physically ugly people. There's more to be being an overall attractive person than beauty although that is part of it. People can be rather on the plain side but have no trouble attracting lovers/spouses.

I've also known some good looking people whose horrible personality shows on their faces.

I think what Roald Dahl said in The Twits was true.

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.
^^
A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

No one can solve your inner loneliness which is really quite sad. However, I have to say a dog really is man’s best friend. I know you said you had a cat but they are independent and want you at their leisure. A dog will love you unconditionally . You can walk together, eat together, laugh, play and cry together. Please consider this. I am sure you are such a caring person that could offer so much given the chance. Best wishes

@SundayMorningTeaForOne...... what is it that you want? List the top 3 things....

Be in a loving monogamous relationship?
Lose your virginity?
Have a baby?
Get another cat?
Lose weight?
Make more friends?
Get a new hairstyle?
Get a new job?
Go out and about more and socialise?
Get a whole new wardrobe?
Learn to be self confident?
Learn to let go of all the nastiness of the past?
Learn to know that you are whole and worthy?
Learn a new hobby?
Have make up (cosmetic) lessons?

What is it that you want?

It's not the way you look, it's your victim mentality that's the problem.
You can chose to lose weight, get a make over, spend time and money on yourself, find your own sense of style.
I am an attractive women, l work at it.
I chose to live happily alone with my pets, relationships are very unstable and over rated in my opinion. I enjoy my freedom, peace of mind, calm and quiet life. I am not lacking.
I have lots of interests, l am warm and friendly, l make the effort to engage with people. I work really hard on my mindset, because it's never your circumstances, it's how you perceive life.
Negativity is an ugly trait, it drains the joy out of everything.
When you have a problem, focus on the solution, take positive action.
I would imagine your issues have a lot more to do with your general disposition than the way you look, and that's what you need to work on.

From my experience it’s not to do with looks but how much confidence you exude. Ofcourse all things being equal conventional Eurocentric beauty helps. I had terrible self esteem (dysfunctional toxic family) when I was younger and i think everyone detected the negative energy whereas my friends who weren’t better looking than me had great self esteem (caring home life etc) and seemed to attract literally everyone. I realised men like women who smile lots and have no issues, sod that. Have you thought about joining a gym? I don’t mean it in a weight loss/change your body type of way but the exercise is good for mental health and lots of women say lifting weight and getting stronger gives them confidence to not give a shit. And it is easier for ‘beautiful’ people to say they have it hard too, it’s not the same thing so I do think that’s insensitive and I say that as someone who has conventional beauty but like I said it’s more it than looks, it’s a state of
mine which isn’t easy to achieve if you have certain messages all your life telling you you’re not good enough so i recommend therapy to explore it.

It's not the way you look, it's your victim mentality that's the problem

This is harsh but true. I know an absolutely huge lady who is not conventionally attractive...she is married to a gorgeous, really nice man. I'm on holiday at the moment... there's a lady at my hotel who is not attractive and is very large. She's married with a family. I see less attractive people in relationships all the time. It's really isn't about how you look. It's about confidence which sounds really clichéd but is so true.

I was just flicking through my phone looking for any jobs advertised for decorating and stumbled across your letter and had to sign up to the site to write to you to say that you have had a hard time with your outlook about yourself and it disgusts me how hurtful people are but the people you have had around you arent perfect in any way. The thing is you can ask the most attractive people about themselves and everyone of them will have some kind of hangup about their looks even the most stunning models or Hollywood actresses and they will all find something not right or imperfections they are not happy with?the thing is that you have had small minded immature people in your life who make themselves look like absolute idiots who have nothing better to do in life but judge others when they should be looking more closely at there own issues so please don't let anyone bring you down don't give them the satisfaction of ruining you and who you are becuse everyone is beautiful in one way or another and I don't know where you are in the world but I would gladly meet up with you and take a walk somewhere and let people look it would actually wipe the smile off there faces 😉 your big and beautiful be proud of your features and don't hide away from yourself never ever think any different and love you stand tall and be confident you will be a different person but never think you are unattractive or overthink your surroundings with others judging you because they are not it's a wicked frame of mind you just see people and think they are saying or thinking the worst of you but 9 times out of 10 your thoughts have been the shit for brains bullies you have listened to growing up ? I haven't seen you but I know that curvy women are lovely and Don't have to prove anything to anyone so hopefully this is will brighten up your outlook and take a look in the mirror at least twice a day and see you are beautiful you really are be yourself like yourself and feel good about yourself I hope you're feeling better about things now I know it hasn't fixed anything but every now and again read this to yourself and hopefully make you smile 😊

It's really brave of you to post this. I hope youve seen that there are lots of small changes you can make to improve your life should you wish.
You are still young and have a lot of life left to live.
Try and focus on what makes you happy.
Im a dog person and as you like walking I'd say get a dog! They truly are the most loving creatures.
But as you have a had a cat, then do get another.
Some of your hobbies can be done in groups, like walking, knitting. I think if you found one or two new friends you'd have more experiences to enjoy.
Each week, think of something you'd enjoy doing and do it. Would that be visiting the library, a nearby town or park?
Build in tiny new steps to changing your life.
You don't have to make massive changes to improve things, you just need to start with now.
I think you sound like a great person to know and I'm really sorry that you're in this position.

For those who've posted that most men aren't fussy, as long as they're 'getting it', I'm not sure what type of men you've been hanging out with but that isn't my experience at all.

News flash, men are no different to women, there will always be those who aren't that fussy, but there are an awful lot who do have a 'certain type' that they gravitate towards and not necessarily just about looks.

It's about the aura they project, the confidence they show in a social gathering and the way they communicate and interact - are they engaging, do they really listen (not just make every conversation all about themselves), show interest in and want to get to know others on more than just a shallow level.

Those personality traits, which can be nurtured and developed through life, enable anyone, absolutely anyone, to form meaningful relationships with others - not having looks isn't the be-all and end-all. People with looks have it easier in some ways but often don't value what they have and may not feel they need to develop and project their personality.

This sounds so sad and I hope you find happiness. I know people who aren’t the most beautiful but make the best of themselves and through their personalities make themselves very engaging. And we will all lose our looks so what’s on the inside counts the most. I agree with some of the other advice here - go to a stylist, invest in a makeup artist session, getting a new hair style and colour, get a personal shopper to help you choose clothes that flatter you etc. and work on your confidence and make interests? ultimately your best friend is you.

I was just flicking through my phone looking for any jobs advertised for decorating and stumbled across your letter

WTF

To be honest...I can go from looking utterly horrendous to really quite good...makeup, hair, clothes can really be transforming. I'm not saying this because I think you need to change but because it will boost your confidence.

Many hugs, OP, be more kind to yourself.

Get a new cat, when I lost my cat 4 years ago, the grief was hard, getting another made it ease.

We might not have children naturally; but there is always fostering & adoption, being a step-parent should life head you there.

Join a singles group online; it has really helped me, just par taking in conversations with other human beings, hearing their opinions and there has also been meet up’s along the way.

You don’t need a fella to be ‘someone’ or acceptable to society. Recently told a sex pest to do one as that’s the problems you run into when you don’t value yourself (advice seen in above group) and I’d rather be single.