Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Hi OP, there's varying degrees of ugly looking/acting people in the world and they manage to procreate. Your time may still come just crack on and find someone other people overlook and jobs a goodun'.

The point these posters are making is that good looks do not bring happiness. Happiness is found in other things.

Maybe life isn't difficult for you but don't speak for others.

Yeah, like one or two others who posted something similar, life is not a bowl of cherries because you're physically attractive, and you do get pestered a lot by men, harassed, and hit on and treated like a piece of meat, and it's also assumed you are a bit thick. And other (not as attractive) women DO get jealous and bitter. You are also just as likely to not have successful relationships with men, or to get treated well by men.

Not sure it's helping the OP, to state how attractive you are, as this isn't about that, but as you and someone else said, everyone is entitled to an opinion based on their own experience, and no-one has a right to tell you to start your own thread.

If I had to describe myself I would say I look a bit like Sally from Corrie. Pretty-ish but still fairly standard! And I still got a couple of women over the years (in the workplace) who were catty to me, as the men thought (as a petite blonde,) that I was a 'cutie.' Also got some hate from one of my neighbours a few years ago, because her husband used to chat to me, and she was threatened by me.

So yeah, life is not a bowl of cherries if you are reasonable looking/attractive. Nevertheless, it is harder if you are NOT.

Really don't know how to help you though @SundayMorningTeaForOne as no matter what anyone says, you seem to be dismissing it.

All the best. xx

There are kinder ways to deliver that message rather than going on about how beautiful they are.

And life hasn’t been easy for me for a number of reasons - but it has had nothing to do with my looks.

@SundayMorningTeaForOne your update makes you sound like an absolutely lovely human being.

You have a job. You have a lot of hobbies. Many of those hobbies require skill and talent, so you are clearly gifted with intelligence. You have friends. You are clearly someone who is engaged with the world and interested in many things. These are all winning qualities.

Other posters have asked what you want. I think that's a good place to start.

Work out what it is you really want for yourself in the next 5-10 years. Then work out how to get there. If you really want a relationship, you will have to put a plan in place. It won't just happen. These days online dating needs to be approached like a job hunt. You dedicate an hour a day, you send out 10-15 speculative messages, and you go on 2 dates a week. And you see what happens. You can't be passive about something you truly want. If it's a child rather than a relationship, look into fostering/adoption or sperm donors if you want to be pregnant and have your own biological child. Find out all the information you need to make an informed choice about what would be the right path for you.

I would suggest working on your self esteem to ensure you feel good about yourself moving forward would also be a great idea. Talking therapy, volunteering, doing a course or some other form of achievement based thing to boost your self confidence - whatever strikes your fancy. How you feel is not just down to your external appearance. You have developed a belief system that says you are not a worthwhile person. That belief system needs to be broken and rebuilt as a new, positive one - and then whatever happens moving forward - a relationship, parenthood - or maybe neither of these, if that's what you decide - you will be happy, because you will be able to find that happiness within yourself rather than externally.

Do want to add as well. People suggesting hair styling and make overs, it doesn't really help. I went to try and find a new style for my thinning hair and the hairdresser made me feel worse about how thin my hair was. The cut itself didn't even make a difference either. Many people don't have the extra cash for new clothes and make up too.
Also, this whole 'You need to love yourself before anyone else can love you'. Sure, it has it's merits but many, many people I know only now love themselves because they have a partner and their self esteem is none existent without one. So saying you can't have a partner without self love is bullcrap.
OP, I have been on here many years and never related to a post so much so again, thank you. I'm so sorry you are experiencing the same emotions but you really have put my feelings into words today x

JR here, I'm not a troll. I'm empathising by saying I hear you, I believe you, you probably are ugly. She specifically said she didn't want people saying 'oh but everybody's beautiful underneath....blah blah, l bet you look fine' etc
It must be shit to be judged for your looks. My point was there are an awful lot of people who will judge this way, men in particular. That's not going to change in her lifetime so if she wants a better life she needs to do something drastic. She wont change the world. Become the mother she wants to be, or surround herself with people who have different values particularly with regard to beauty. I think my advice is just as helpful as anyone else's.

Sadly I saw this with a friend of a friend.

It can be victim blaming especially when the woman in question is ugly not just plain or average.

And why is it that if you are ugly you are expected to have tons of confidence to counteract it, what if an ugly personal is just naturally introverted? Should they pretend to be what they are not so we can say they tried hard enough?

Good for you. But don't presume to speak for others. I know a woman who was sexually trafficked and pimped at a young age, if she hadn't been so beautiful she probably wouldn't have been targeted. Having very good looks can make life more dangerous.

What an awful way to feel. Who are you OP? Because you are not just how you look. And what do you DO? You sound as if you live life under this constant scrutiny from outside parties and that’s all that matters. You can drive a car - I can’t. Do you enjoy driving? Do you have interest or knowledge in anything. Books? Art? Crafts? Can you create anything?

I think you’ve narrowed down your life by carrying this belief that because you’re not classically ‘beautiful’, life is pointless.

I can’t really say any more than that because I believe you really need some outside help. You’re only 40. There’s time to recalibrate things so that you don’t continue to carry around this aura of self-disgust with you. Best of luck and get yourself another cat when you’re ready.

People don't come and say hello to me for similar reasons but they tend to be friendly enough if I say hello to them. I think it's necessary to be more proactive and go and join things.

If you want to lose weight and look brighter you can try and cut out ultra processed foods. If you live alone it's much easier just not to have them in the house.

In the 2000s you could hide behind an avatar and get into computer gaming. You might still be able to with some gaming.but you might feel better if you can get outside with a walking group

I’m not going to invalidate your feelings by saying you’re wrong. However what I will say, is that I also have never ever looked at someone and thought “wow, aren’t they ugly”. I think we’re always harder on ourselves. Also, beauty is subjective. I think my husband is very attractive but others may think he’s not. I think confidence is the biggest problem here. I agree with others about trying to lose weight (from a health perspective too), maybe trying some nice skincare and makeup products, hair cut, nice clothes, and use your skills and kindness where you can. Hugs 💐

Nobody has 'gone on' about how beautiful they are. That's complete hyperbole.

I and others have just said that the OP's belief that being beautiful = perfect life is not true, as they are 'beautiful' and not living a perfect life.

My looks have made my life more difficult for me. And it's not because I've made bad choices with men. Being raped by a man who wanted to punish me for not wanting to date him was not a choice I made. Being stalked by a man I didn't want to date was not a choice I made. Having to leave the job I loved because of sexual harassment was not a choice I made.

I'm so glad your life hasn't been made worse by your beauty - but mine, and others' have. Perhaps your experiences aren't universal?

I'm in my 50s and enjoy being invisible to men these days. Better than getting mean comments about my appearance. I find women seem to want to be friends. Im a widow and im enjoying my female friendships

This is what I wanted to say.

When you meet the exacting aesthetic standards of men, you're objectified and have verbal abuse thrown at you. When you don't, you are ridiculed and have verbal abuse thrown at you. Whichever way you cut it, in other words, you can't win.

Our entire society has conditioned both the sexes into believing we exist for the titillation of men, and has conditioned women in particular to pull out all the stops to behave, dress and look in such a way as will earn them male approval.

OP, I want to pick up on a particular comment of yours:

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

I'll venture a suggestion you might not want to hear in your current mindset, OP - which is that your self-esteem is currently so low, and your confidence so shot to ribbons, that you're not at present able to see it in any other way.

Yes, this could well indicate that your 'ugliness' is in your head. People take us at our own estimation. You don't like yourself very much. There's a possibility others are seeing you as you see yourself. There are many people who don't meet society's expectations of beauty, and who are have found fulfilling relationships.

There will be some hard knots to unpick here, but perhaps when you're able to face these some therapy might be necessary to explore what's happened to make you feel so awful about yourself. You could work, very gradually, one step at a time, on learning to love and value yourself.

What good qualities do you have? Do you have any talents you can be proud of? (Everyone can find at least one, if they really look). You love animals - are you interested in volunteering for wildlife conservation? Nature is very healing. Do you find pleasure in swimming, riding, walking in the fresh air? Make an appointment with yourself to do at least one of these activities once a week. The difference it can make to your mental wellbeing can't be overestimated.

Buy clothes in beautiful fabrics that give you pleasure to touch and to wear. Dress for you. No one needs the validation of rude, ignorant strangers: we are not on this planet to decorate it for shallow men.

You deserve to be kind to yourself, and to value yourself. You deserve no less. Please, keep telling yourself this - if you do so often enough there is every possibility you come to believe it. It will take time, if this pattern of thinking has become entrenched within you, but you absolutely can do this.

One step at a time

Just to add, I'm definitely no oil painting, but I don't find it affects women wanting to be friends at all.

Same here. The worst is the constant negging, honestly. I still get at at 38. My anxiety and depression are so bad I barely go out now, and yet when I do, I get the same old put-downs from people assuming I'm arrogant.

I'm also disabled, and it's not immediately obvious. The absolute bile and vitriol I get is unbelievable. I need help from cabin crew on planes to put my luggage in the overhead locker because I can't lift anything over my head, and I get so many 'princess' type insults. I have priority boarding and special assistance on flights because I need extra time to board and sort out my seat with special cushions and adjustments, and at least 50% of the time, the gate attendant barks at me that I have to wait because it's special assistance passengers only, causing everyone to stare.

But who cares, right? It's 'insensitive' to give a counter argument on a thread of a woman who thinks her life is awful because she's ugly, even though she's (apparently) fortunate enough to be healthy and able-bodied, unlike me.

Honestly, most people, including me, aren't classic beauties. Most people are pretty ordinary looking. I've had people comment on how wide my nose is, how short I am etc... I focus on a few characteristics I have that I really like. I build on those. I like myself irrespective of what other people think. Be nice to yourself. I have rosacea. I still take really good care of my skin and mind it, because it's part of me and I love it, no matter what it looks like. Love yourself and look after yourself, OP. You are valuable.

I fully sympathise, but I'd venture to suggest that this has nothing to do with the way you look.

I have a horrific background of abuse of this nature by men. It goes back to early life - if you've been a victim of child abuse or abuse in your teens, other abusers can pick this up as if you're transmitting radio signals only they can receive. I don't know why or how. But therapists who work with victims tend to be in agreement that it's a recognized pattern.

There are many complex reasons as to why abusers abuse, what makes them attracted to one victim as opposed to another victim, and to home in on them. A long course of EMDR therapy has shown me as much.

But in the many sets of answers that came up in response to this question, physical appearance was not one of them.

If this place wasn't crawling with trolls and journos I'd really enjoy to see some make up free/filter free pictures and posters could say what they felt would be the feature of other posters they believe to be their stand out features.

Unfortunately that won't happen because trolls and journos exist.

I'm not going to waste my time giving my opinions on beauty because you're not someone it'll help, you want to believe that you're ugly, maybe you are, maybe you're not. Maybe you'd die on the hill you're ugly to others and not accept that it's actually not your business if I think you're ugly or pretty, I don't have to have the same standards as you and maybe I just find things attractive others don't.

There's a FB friend I have who is extremely large, has crooked teeth and isn't generically what people class as beautiful. I find her fucking stunning. I don't even know her, she seems nice enough, but she's got the most genuinely contagious smile, I see her selfies, often with a caption apologising for her looks and honestly I'd happily give her a shake.
I'm dying to tell her I think she's absolutely lovely looking, but her self esteem is so shot to shit I think she'd worry it was disingenuous.

This thread also has fucked me off about how people look when they're not typical looking, fucking behave, look at the amount of gorgeous people out there born with a cleft lip etc, or who doesn't fancy Peter dinklage? He's well fit, his height and traditional dwarfism looks don't stop that!

I am pretty - more so in my 20s and I was REALLY isolated and unhappy. I felt the same feelings as you and even when men made it clear they thought I was nice to look at, I didn't belive them or care.

Only very horrid people are truly ugly.

Do you have enough money to get your hair done or some pretty clothes? A nice bag? Jewellery? Do you try make up? A lot of prettiness is cleverly painted on you know.

Another pet companion is a great idea. You sound like you need something to cuddle.

Im very lonely sometimes. It’s very difficult being an adult and our communities are not what they ought you be. I’m sorry people are so unkind. Those people are ugly.

Were women horribly mean to you? I hope things are better for you now.

I sympathise, and instead of saying "oh I bet ur better looking than you think" , I would say, write down what's important to you, what can you do as a single person? I did this when facing being single forever. It helped.

Sorry, but no.

Attractive women are far, far more likely to be harassed. One of my best friends would describe herself as very plain, and she has barely ever had any harassment in her life. She says she's pretty much invisible to men, and it makes her life so much safer.

I'm sure other women here will know what I mean about the sinking feeling you get when you realise you've caught someone's eye. That feeling of being stared at, desperately hoping you won't be followed off the bus or forced into a conversation you don't want and can't get out of.

I still wear a mask on public transport because I'm vulnerable to Covid, often also wear a hat now because of a hair issue, and the level of harassment has massively decreased. Being invisible is so, so much better than being seen as prey.