Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Not entirely. See my post at 0845. We should call the bastards out on it, as I have said. There are a couple of other posters who are also agreeing that it's the menz that are the problem here.

I was an ugly child: round NHS glasses and a noticeable squint, chipped front teeth, lank, mousy hair that managed to be untameable, even when it was cropped, big nose, thin lips and eyes which someone, rather delightfully, describes as the colour of 'cow poo'. Even my mother failed to find me attractive. After stating how pretty my older sister was, I asked her if I was pretty. 'Looks aren't everything, Ontetwo3', she replied. 'You will have to work hard in life!'

I hoped there would be a sort of 'Ugly Duckling' type transformation in my teens, but there wasn't. I developed spots, my body morphed into a dumpy pear, and my nose grew even bigger. Boys used to dare each other to ask me out, just for a laugh.

Adulthood came, and I remained aesthetically challenged. I was also approaching 40, I had never been on a proper date and I was (dare I say it) a virgin! In earlier generations I would have resigned myself to being a maiden aunt or joined a convent. However, it was the late 90s, so I answered some 'Lonely Hearts' ads.

There, I met my husband. Our courtship was a rushed affair and we were married within three months of meeting. We had two (beautiful) sons.

I will never regret having my sons, but I do wish I had not rushed into marriage. My lack of confidence made me gallop away with the first male who paid me attention.

Yet, as I got older, I began to realise that although I still had a huge nose, thin lips, wrinkly skin, no boobs and a saggy arse, these things really did not matter. There were so many other descriptors that could make up an identity. For example someone could:

work hard, be reliable, be a shoulder to cry on, be intelligent, have a great sense of humour, keep calm in a crisis, be sensitive, be trustworthy, be fun, be quiet and studious and so on and so on.

Like you, I love my cats, and I consider my capacity to care for them and bond with them to be a quality that is far greater than my big nose. I also have a great deal of resilience and have developed advanced problems solving skills. These traits are much more useful to me now, than a pretty face would be.

Got to love those posters who pop up to moan about how hard life is being spectacularly beautiful. It’s like a lottery winner moaning to a homeless man. 🙄

marriage and kids are not the only way to be happy but the emphasis that society puts on them make life very cruel and hard.a lot of married people are not loved and the nuclear family is a contributing factor to climate emergency..Yes it is hard and I believe every word you say about yourself.We need a way of life that includes all people not just the married and kids, not just the beautiful but all, old and young..I think you need to start by getting out if you can and maybe working with animals in a voluntary way if you can.Or if you feel really ugly how about dating a person with visual issues-sight loss.Not joking necessarily or perhaps fostering children might make you feel more connected.Do you have any friends that might support you if you wanted to have a baby by yourself? but do remember that a lot of attractive people are alone too.

oh and if men abuse you get a mirror out and put it in their face

Being a women is really impossible isn't it. No matter what we do the men treat us like trash. Attractiveness isn't just about looks, you can have an attractive personality etc. find your vibe and go with it

I get where you’re coming from OP, sadly. It is indeed shit. I find ‘happiness’ by surrounding myself with animals, dogs don’t give a fuck what you look like. Adopt a couple of kittens, volunteer at a local dogs home…it doesn’t replace a conventional happy ever after but it does help soothe the soul.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lvHJHiIUbvA&pp=ygUQcHJldHR5IHByaXZpbGVnZQ%3D%3D

This is an interesting video about "pretty privilege" from someone who doesn't feel that they have it.

YADNBU OP

Your feelings are both valid and correct.

I was a fat child/teen, back when it was really not cool to be fat.
At 20 I lost a ton of weight, miraculously without loads of loose skin (I mean I wasn’t toned but it wasn’t hanging off me either) and suddenly I was this tall, pretty, size 10 girl and OMG life was different. I spent a good 5/6 years living my best life. Moved to London, good career, did some TV/modelling on the side. Met a handsome man, married well….and then I had two children.

Now don’t get me wrong I love my kids but I get ZERO chance to care about my appearance anymore. I feel disgusting most of the time and certainly don’t look good anymore. In my opinion it’s harder have it briefly then lose it than when I’d never had it, if that makes sense. Obviously that’s just my personal opinion but you’re totally correct, life is a lot more fun when you’re attractive x

fostering children might make you feel more connected.

I really wouldn't advise that. Children who need fostering are far from straightforward. You need a huge amount of resilience and through no fault of her own, I don't think the OP has that.

You are 39 and want a child. Why not get pregnant next month?

OP, I want to thank you as you have summed up my feelings exactly. I am 39 soon and in the exact position. Single, no kids, no friends as they have all moved away or I stopped being useful to them. Hate my job but not able to find anything new. I also have chronic health issues. My dog keeps me going but I had two up until recently, one passed away last year. I dread to think where I would be without my current one.
I have always been ugly physically as well. Massive nose, flat chested, look like a kid. I could go on. Not helped by the fact that I have a brother who gets commented on as being really handsome all the time and growing up, a best friend who was 6ft, blonde, legs which went on forever and very pretty. Men would always address her when we were out and would ignore me. Both my siblings are in relationships and my sister always being treated by her partner. She doesn't have to pay for anything and constantly out fir dinner, cinema or on holidays.
I hate my life and feel there is no point to me. I can see my future now and it is terrifying. Menopause will be upon me soon with 2 chronic health conditions also to handle and I will no doubt be doing the bulk of the care for my parents. My father even said he would expect that. They are still fairly young now but my mother in particular is already very much older than her years, showing memory issues and becoming very 'doddery' even though far too young to be like that. I worry she is getting dementia but she won't seek help and even seems proud of the fact she doesn't go to the doctors. Both my parents are extremely generous but have little social life or a life away from the family which means I often feel stifled and irritated as it's like it suits them to treat me young and also that they are being unfair expecting so much from me in an emotional sense.
I feel so ashamed of myself and really, you have summed up all my feelings. So thank you because I was struggling to find the words myself. I'm sorry you are also experiencing this. I know exactly how it feels. Soul destroying xx

People can be cruel, I'm pretty average but still have experienced some cruel remarks about my looks (and yet I've also been called cute many times, it's very in the eye of the beholder I guess). Just this week some women in a Facebook group I'm in were making fun of my appearance (grown women in their 30s at least with kids, acting like immature children) for no reason, we'd not had a falling out before this.
I know some unattractive people that have found love usually through a shared interest.
I do agree though that attractive women have a mostly easier life than unattractive ones. Men do prefer to be friends with attractive women, plainer ones do get ignored.
Maybe you should get another cat OP, they are wonderful and don't judge our looks

I’m sat here now with my two cats snuggled up to me after a really shitty night. Life is bloody hard work and all this self love sounds great on paper but it’s not actually easy to do, I’ve never managed it. I’d recommend rescuing animals- they give me a reason to get up and show me all the love. I’m not sure where you live but I’m always looking for new friends after moving around so much, feel free to drop me a message if you fancy a wine and sharing cat pictures.

But being beautiful IS hard for many of us. The OP needs to understand that being beautiful would not make her life any better or make her any more likely to have a mutually satisfying relationship with a man. She has created a fiction in her head that it’s her looks are preventing her from finding happiness when it’s simply not true.

Being treated like a piece of meat by men, as a threat by other women, and as an object to be stared at by others, with everything else about you being ignored and devalued because all you are is a pretty face and nothing more is really not that great an existence. I was born with the face and body I have. I didn’t earn it. I can’t claim any credit for it. I just happen to have genes that have arranged my features in a way that society finds conventionally attractive. Do you think it makes me feel good to have a quirk of nature be the only thing people find interesting about me?

The OP bemoaning that her life has less value because she’s ugly needs to understand that no matter WHAT you look like, men will be shits to you. Reducing the value of your life to nothing but how favourably men perceive you as a sexual partner is a sure fire way to depression and unhappiness. I wish more women would wake up and realise this. Patriarchy exists to control and diminish women by making us think that a man’s perception of us is the only thing that matters. It’s a lie. We don’t have to believe it.

Okey, gosh so many replies.

I’ve been reading them through and I’ll just jump into some of the suggestions/questions.

About getting another cat, yes it been on my mind. First I didn’t want another, because I couldn’t see loving another pet as much as I live her. I don’t want to sound crazy, but she was the one constant in my life for over 20 years, she was my reason to keep waking up. So I haven’t been ready.

Then about sperm donor and my parents, I remember years ago watchin Jane the virgin and laughing and thinking how that was probably the only way I’d ever have a baby and that if I was catholic I’d call the vatican.
My prent aren’t bad people, they are just very into themselves, my therapist told and gave me reading material about emotionally immature parents and there was parentification of a child happening when I was growing up. So they just wouldn’t be useful, if I were to hand them a baby, they’d most likely looked at the baby and just waited for the kid to raise them.
So I can’t trust/count on them at all.

I have hobbies. Knitting, drawing, playing the piano, gardening, I love baking, yes they are the introverts dream interest pretty much.

I have a part time job. It’s a small, very small, business, only few workers and often in different shifts, so mostly I don’t even see them. Or I/they work at home.

It gave me a pause that so many thought I’m talking about celebrity level of looks, I’d happily settle for average.
And considering that so many suggest to get a tan, nails, lose weight, make-up…. It seems many of you have much higher expectations to women’s looks than I do actually.

I was really hoping that this wouldn’t have become about ’low self-esteem’ because of two reasons, at least.
One: how many people would actually have high self-esteem, if they’d never been asked out (btw, I have asked men out, got turned down. And that is of course okey) and is about to become a 40 year old virgin (that god damn movie, man) of course it would effect anyone and everyone.
And two, the way people treat me, if I’m the only one being ignored, everyone else at least at some point is chatted up and get into dates and relationship, what other conclusion one could make.
I’m just being honest, I don’t think lying is the way.

And the comment no one is ugly, it must be personality.
Are you being mean on purpose, or did you think that was going to be helpful, if yes - how?
How is saying I must have ugly personality going to help?

The wlmen I know are very focused on and mostly talk about their husbands and kids, so they can’t be exactly supportive. We live in such a different realities.
And it’s still not the same as building and actually sharing a life with someone, right? If it was, wouldn’t everyone be single and just hang out with friends?

And finally, there was one amazing commenter (I’m sorry I can’t remeber your username) who said that 40 is a bad age, and hormones going for the last effort.
Honestly, I could really see this.
See my teenage years and all of my 20’s I was pretty much fine. I accepted my lot very well already at that age. I’m not going to say it never hurt, of course it did, but I stood high.
For the past few years, 4-5 years have been suddenly awful. I thought it was my parent getting older, my cat getting older and bwing sick and suddenly the realzing that this is it. Once their gone, I’ll be alone and my own age creeping up and soon not having even the option of having baby on my own.
I think this was a major thing.
Also had naive hopes of things turning around at some point, but never did, and now waking up to that.

The honest truth op. Is female attractiveness is often not about facial structure but about presentation.

sadly body weight is a key part of that, often fit/toned/healthy weight is perceived as much more attractive than significantly over or underweight,

good hair, in a style that suits your face shape, it doesn’t even need to be natural, you can even get extensions now just to add thickness if an issue there , a good cut and colour, well conditioned, healthy

If required, artfully done subtle make up, to smooth out skin tone, enhance the good and disguising the not so great Ie eye bags, dark circles etc.

good clothes, in that I mean clothes that fit, and suit the wearer, again enhancing the positive and disguising the not so great, and in good condtion

good underwear, to smooth or lift.

Healthy skin if it’s on show, a daily moisturiser to avoid dryness, add sheen, often a subtle light fake tan for a healthy glow.

seldom is any of this natural, it all takes effort, thought and self care. Even for the most beautiful in society, they don’t just look like that with no effort, It takes time and and a lot of effort.

people look at the whole Package.

And of course there are those with beautiful facial features, look at someone like Margot Robbie or any other beautiful woman, if they had poorly done hair, no make up, very over/underweight, as both change your face shape, illfitting clothes on an unhealthy frame. they would not be perceived as quite so beautiful as they are.

@gemstoneju Yes, I believe people with depression can be good parents.

OP I have to pull out every trick in the book to make myself moderately attractive. I spend considerable time and money on hair, clothes, makeup to look presentable. I cannot roll out of bed looking beautiful. Do you make much effort with your appearance?

Also you seem so sad in your post, and I feel for you. But do you think your sadness makes you present an aura of unapproachability and lack of confidence? Because bullies attack those who they think will put up with it, and people do not seek out people who look downcast. It may be a case of faking it till you make it

And definitely get a cat.

I think when you decide something like this you will twist everything to match this

'I have decided I am ugly so everyone who is not very nice to me is doing it because I am ugly'

No offence but I don't think people give other people that much thought peoples lives are usually too busy

Start your own thread.

If you think that a part of the way you are feeling is because your chance to have children is slipping away then you can do something about that. Honestly. I know it seems really big and scary and easier to just float along not making any changes but you're unhappy with your current life and it's not going to change any time soon unless you make a change. Having children is something which does have a time limit on it and you don't want the opportunity to pass you by and then live with regrets later on. I'd be seriously considering it in your shoes.

It's all about self confidence. I have known beautiful women who can attract men's attention until the moment they open their mouths. And the same men who insult you because of your physique are the ones who are only looking for sex.

It's all very well saying that unattractive people can come across as more attractive if they exude self-confidence, but when you're treated badly from the start because of your looks, you're not likely to develop self-confidence, are you? I think that as an unattractive female you are never given the benefit of the doubt over anything (for example if you make a little mistake, people don't just shrug it off), you're never the one people are likely to want to choose for anything, to invite to a party or whatever. You're the one who is less likely to get a job or promotion. You're more likely to be bullied at school or at work. You'll find it more difficult to make friends, even female friends. You're more likely to be your parents' least favourite child. I agree that some ugly women do find husbands, but I've noticed that the husbands tend to be very unattractive too. And how many don't find husbands?

i admire people with good posture, I have a squint spine so am never going to stand v straight. Which is why I am interested in it.

I would look at losing weight and getting a sports therapist to get your posture fixed.
I am not good looking but am tall with a resting bitch face - no one makes comments to me

if you look cowed down people with their own complexes will take pleasure in pullin you down too.