Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

I said "see", I think. Just like anyone else, if I meet someone I have a different, more rounded, impression from just seeing them.

My DB had a beautiful wife and when she divorced him he said well, when I married her I thought if I can fuck that for a few years, great.
He now has a beautiful girlfriend and she's just flown in to visit his family and he's said, laughing while he said it, she might get stopped at immigration because she looks like a prostitute coming in from xx country to work.

Attractiveness is no protection from hideous men.

I think some people need to be more honest with themselves. Are they really targeting men they find unattractive and then being rejected by these men they don’t even like anyway? Why are they judging others in ways they do not want to be judged themselves? Are they capable of not objectifying others?

Their trite advice will consign you to this fate while they enjoy their husbands and kids and luxuriate in the idea that they were nice to a woman on the internet today.

I think without seeing the OP, none of us can really advise her on making changes to her appearance, particularly not anything as dramatic as surgery. I don't have a husband and kids, partly because as I said above, I was bullied about my appearance as a child. But a makeover didn't change that, changing my mindset did. It wasn't about how I looked but about people's attitude towards my appearance.

I was beaten up and abused for having red hair. A lot of small minded and stupid people told me that would stop if I dyed my hair, to which my response was why the fuck should I? And if I was treated like that for different hair colour, can you imagine how other people were treated whose appearance stood out more?

I think the OP first needs help to tackle her mindset. Once she starts being happier within herself, then she can consider whether changing her appearance might help her, or might just feed into her insecurities. Look at people who have plastic surgery. How many have a bit and then think 'oh right, that's fixed, now I'm happy'. And how many just end up in a cycle of never being happy and continually trying to fix something? If the OP can fall into the former camp, fine. But if she risks falling into the latter, it will make her situation worse, not better.

@FancyFran it's a peace sign. First day on the internet? Good luck with your report, as I did not say anything offensive I have my doubts it will be removed.

Why are so many people suggesting 'sperm donor'? The OP sounds in a fragile place, the last thing she needs is a late-life pregnancy with some completely anonymous man. Do people really think a depressed mother with chronically low self-esteem is going to be in a position to mother a child and fill them with confidence and self-love? Mothers who struggle with their own self worth project all their insecurities onto the child, and being a single parent is hard enough. Maybe after successful counselling and a complete re-evaluation in the way you see yourself, but as a quick fix to her loneliness - Jesus, no.

I always thought I was ugly and fat, I thought I would never meet someone and get married because no one would find me attractive/nice and I am now married with 6 kids. I met my husband when I was young. And he calls me beautiful everyday.

There is someone out there for everyone.

Maybe you perceive yourself as those things and it affects your confidence and self-esteem that much that that's all you see yourself as.

I wasn't told I was beautiful by my family, very rarely and mainly when I was wearing makeup.

Even my sister was told constantly how beautiful she was. And my mother told my husband that he should see how tall and beautiful my other daughter is, big beautiful brown eye. Such a strange comment to make I thought. And then no comment to compliment me.

A lady at my church told my aunt, who is that beautiful girl I see you with and my aunt told me and I said that's nice she sees you with a beautiful lady. My aunt laughed and said she was talking about you !!!!

I always lacked self confidence but in the end my husband always boosted me up, calls me beautiful and funny and says nice things about me to the kids too. He's my rock and he's drop dead gorgeous himself. Both men and women stare at him so I cant be that bad if I picked up that hunk and married him. Haha !

Try maybe feeling better about yourself by your good qualities. Maybe join a women's group. There's always the possibility of getting another cat or two!!!!!

Look after yourself and you're not ugly at all. :) you're wonderful! God doesn't make ugly!

Yeah, it doesn't mean you're ugly just because you're fat, but it's an absolute fact that the vast, vast majority of people will be more attractive, and more physically appealing to others when they're not fat. (They will also look better, as clothes look better on a slimmer figure.) No-one likes to admit this but it's true.

I don't mean you have to be like 7 stone/size 4, but just no more than two or three stone overweight. The majority of people are not going to be attracted to really obese people. That's just a fact of life ... And I say this as someone who was a fat child and teenager, and who has been down to 8 and a half stone and up to 16 stone over the past 40 years, and is now somewhere in the middle ... I look better 'not obese' and so does everyone else genuinely. I know it doesn't sit well with people to admit this, but it is true.

Op so sorry you feel this way. But you can change your life right now if you want to. You are only 40 and plenty of time to meet someone or change career.
Sit down and write a 5 year plan for what you want to achieve. Consider things like:
Can you study to go fir a new career?
Can you apply for a new more interesting job that pays a bit more?
Is there a hobby that you enjoy where you could join a club to meet new friends?
Are there local clubs you fancy joining?
Are you interested in online dating? (you may not be interested but it's an option to consider)
Do you fancy a new hairstyle or clothes that may make you feel better (if you don't have the money now may be save a few pounds each month for a pamper salon visit at Christmas)
Do you want to decorate your house/home a bit
Have a think about what will make you happy.... Then make a plan and do it!! Good luck!

Hey OP we live in the UK, hardly anyone here is attractive. Most people are plain or quite unfortunate looking

I think that’s what’s what was behind Boris and Nigel’s Brexit campaign.

Really interesting and this thread sadly exemplifies everything wrong with this world. One kind of sees where Sinead O’Connor was coming from! I am definitely average and have a double chin that never goes what ever weight, black bags under my eyes and a nose I seem to be too big … which is never attractive … but maybe they keep the creeps away. I have been called both ugly and pretty. Thankfully, I enjoy my own company and gain most of my happiness from reading, knitting, walking, nature, travelling and exploring. I am lucky enough to have a companion/ bf who seems to adore me and we go out and do great stuff at weekends .. but it took a VERY long time finding!

@FancyFran you're coming across a lot more bully like than the PP you’re targeting.

I'm so sorry OP and those boys and men were fucking jerks! And I'm sorry you've had such a shitty time no one deserves to be treated as you have or to feel the way you do,please know there are lots of us on here that do genuinely care. 💐

I agree with the pp about getting another pet, I have 2 dogs and they give so much to my life,we did have 3 and our lovely big boy(he was a massive Greyhound we rescued as a pup)passed away and we were all devastated despite still having our 2 lovely girl dogs it was still so hard so I can only imagine how you must feel since loosing your cat.

It’s true

Sorry you are feeling this way.

Sorry those men made those remarks to you. That was hurtful and cruel and it was because of the sort of people they are, not because of who you are.

Your arse was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Those remarks are traumatising. They can create a very strong memory that keeps popping back up.

Even normal 'happy' childhoods can be traumatising, because it doesn't take much to traumatise a sensitive child (and all children are sensitive to comments from loved ones!)

Yes it's a 'fact' that you are nearly 40 and don't have a partner.
But then, you start telling yourself 'the story' about that which cast you in the same role, and always have the same outcome.

The Compare and Despair game is one you know well. You never win it though because you're very bad at it because the machine you play (your fixed and rigid way of seeing yourself) is rigged to always make you go home sad and broke.

You are pinning your self worth to your appearance. And to your lot in life.

But your values in life are stronger than that.
Your role as a person on this earth.
Your value to people around you, your ability to experience yourself in a variety of ways and to add value to your life in other ways.
All these things might lead you to a massively more fulfilled life.

What do you want your life to be about?
From what I hear, it's about Love.
It's about bringing people into your life that you can love and care for, and to feel that reflected back to you. It's about doing activities and actions that are meaningful for you, rather than you thinking 'what's the bloody point!'

This is a great workbook that will make you think a bit outside the tiny room you've imprisoned yourself in.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Your-Mind-Into-Life/dp/1572244259

Okay, attractive people do have advantages and get treated better by strangers. That's well established. Plus I've experienced both sides myself - I've got a conventionally pretty face, then one day I had to go on a medication that caused terrible acne. Like actual weeping cysts. It was frankly gross. I definitely, 100% got treated much worse by strangers and in casual interactions. But so what? Those aren't the people you build your life around. No-one's going to be pretty their whole life unless they die young. Its just not true to think that only pretty people get meaningful friendships and relationships. People who are kind, interesting and open to experience will always attract others, whether they are pretty or not.

Yet more cliches being repeated:
"Ugly is not about looks, it's about personality "
"don't buy into this beauty myth- it's all rubbish"
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

OP, you'll note that you are getting some understanding from fellow plain/ugly women, and a handful of realists on the head.

To everyone else, this is why she made the thread. She just wanted to say how bloody difficult it is. But you respond with denial. I think it's because no-one wants to acknowledge the ugly nature of the truth: Good looks are critical in our society. Good looks matter, they make an absolutely huge difference and they are largely not subjective. They are objective, and not a myth. They are not about personality, they are about the physical.

*the thread

I don't think I'm ugly, but I am definitely plain. Especially now I am older. The best thing that can be said about my face is that I look friendly. That'll do for me.

OP, I'm not going to tell you that you can have everything you want, or that it will all be okay, because that would be ignorant and dismissive of me. But I do think that we can all look at what we can do with what we have (and I'm not talking about looks!).

Is there something you have always wanted to do? Maybe an evening class? Or volunteering with a cat rescue? These things will probably not bring you love, but they will fill your time, help you to feel valued, and probably to make friends. Nobody can tell you how to get the things that you think would make you happy, but we can help you to make the best of the life you actually have.

And yes - get another cat! Animals are wonderful. Rescue one from a shelter and then know you've done the great thing of saving their life and giving them a happy life at your side.

There's hardly anyone I've met in life I'd class as ugly. Most people are plain/average. Looking good does attract more people initially but it doesn't make a difference to relationship longevity. If anything the average looking people have longer and happier relationships as it's not all shallow. Perhaps you just have been little self confidence. Losing weight might help your self esteem. Sorry about the arseholes that bullied you, I know things like that can hurt and stick with you.

They're the other way round if you zoom in. The peace sign.

My advice to you OP - join a gym. Get into strength training, eating well and work on your self-esteem.

I agree.

Body work can be transformative.