Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

I've a very very noticeable physical deformity that I was born with, in fact,it's got way more noticeable as I age. Of course I've had comments from guys although more often women. I'd rather be remembered for my looks than acting like a gobshite to be fair.

I've never actually had any trouble attracting men. I'm sure some wouldn't be interested because of it but so what? I've been with my husband for 24 odd years. I do remember being horrified the first time he saw me naked but he kept telling me and still does I'm beautiful and perfect for him.

I mean what is ugly? My grandmother always said "One man's meat is another's poison". I did hear several people commenting on why my good looking husband was with someone like me. He though it hilarious.

As for the other poster saying he probably fantasies over someone more conveniently beautiful he probably does. I've th odd fantasy about Jack Grealish ...

@Possimpible again you have singled me out for an unfortunate choice of words for which I apologised. And the next bit, I am not a liar and have worked with many people with differences including famous ones. Would you like me to send you examples of my work?

Mumsnet attracts the angry and you need to have a pop at the other two posters before me. I have a pronounced disability so do not make assumptions about someone trying to help. Too many people on this thread have been 'telling their story'. Mine would make you weep but it's not about me. Some of us have overcome discrimination too.

i believe you fall in love based on personality not looks. Do you put yourself out there on match dot com?

Look around you, are only attractive people married or in relationships? People not considered conventionally attractive are just as likely to have a family as anyone else. You only live once OP and f there is something you want go out and get it. You are the only thing in your way.

I'd hate to be the person that remembers someone solely because I thought they were ugly.

I was called ugly as a youngster, never the popular girl or the one anyone fancied. I blossomed but inside I’m still that insecure girl and now I’m ageing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, my husband told me yesterday that I was ‘so beautiful and he feels like the luckiest man ever’ sometimes I look in the mirror and like what I see (4 times out of 100) probably. You will have a beautiful part of you (you sound like you have a wonderful heart). Don’t wait for men to approach you etc, maybe try some online dating.

Hey OP we live in the UK, hardly anyone here is attractive. Most people are plain or quite unfortunate looking. If it’s any consolation, you’re probably one of the least delusional people on this board.

Can people stop minimising the OP's post by posting a load of cliches like "it's all about personality", "looks don't matter" and so on? 🙄It was the first thing she said.

@FancyFran the other posts have been reported and removed. I didn't say I didn't believe yous worked with people with facial difference, I said that makes your comments even worse. Stand by that. Can't believe you're having a pop because a couple of us on this thread dared to reveal we had facial difference and were relaying our lived experience - it's not all about you. Anyway, I have better things to do with my Sunday than argue on the internet ✌️

Love this post so much!

As a fellow unattractive (but confident) woman, I totally get it. My ex-husband was an actual model and everyone (even my boss at the time) commented on how good-looking he was. One of my colleagues was really surprised he eent for me. 🤷‍♀️ His appearance was his only good quality though 😬and after awhile I honestly couldn't even "see" his good looks anymore because of what a repulsive person he was. I left him 😁

I remember Raquel Welch, a stunningly beautiful woman, saying how lonely she felt at times in her life. Being a 'head-turner' can be quite burdensome.

As the person ages and sees their looks change, they can suffer from societal and professional pressure to 'keep their looks'. If looks are taken away due to an accident (eg that lovely young woman who had acid thrown in her face, how heart-breaking for her, but she has risen above the temptation of feeling embittered), even more to deal with.

everything in life comes at some cost. There are trade-offs in everything. Our physical appearance is so deeply personal to who we are. It's about coming to terms with who we are as a complete package, physical, mental, spiritual, and making the best of that package we had no choice over when we were born.

Im not sure what you hope for from this thread @SundayMorningTeaForOne Perhaps nothing other than validation or solidarity. Can you make this next phase of your life more positive in terms of what you know you can offer the world. I bet it's more than you recognise because you're measuring success only by relationships/dating and what others think of you.

Take back the power and be comfortable in your own skin, it's the only one you have. Be yourself, because everyone else is taken!

I wonder why the answer so many have given is "lose weight"?

Being fat does not equal being ugly.

Just to add, if anyone has seen Happy Valley- my ex-husband has a very similar look and mannerisms to Tommy Lee Royce's character (except the serial killer bit) 😂

I’m very, very plain. I’ll never forget two men walking past me and one said to the other ‘she’s yours mate!’ In that tone and manner where it was perfectly clear it was not complimentary. If you’re not plain or ‘ugly’ you won’t understand this.

This was 28 years ago in Norwich outside M and S, that’s how well I remember it, and how I felt.

My grandmother always said "One man's meat is another's poison"

You triggered a memory of my granny's thought on beauty whenever I used to worry about my looks as a child/teenager @happyasaseagullstealingchips

"Beauty is but skin-deep" which I remind myself of daily, because as humans it is so easy to be dazzled by what we see before us and fail to appreciate and value what's hidden from view.

You are compassionate and empathetic. That's what make you beautiful.

I hear the loneliness in your post. Please improve your social circle - join a club, volunteer etc. And pls get another companion at home - cat or dog it doesn't matter as long as you have family.

Sending yiu a huge hug xxx

In the nicest way, some men would shag anything (some even non-human things).
So if you wanted to date or have sex you definitely could.
Obviously it’s not love but lots of people have never been in love/loved.

There is absolutely such thing as pretty privilege or curve privilege and I understand that I’m fortunate to have not been born ugly or too pretty that I get beaten up on a night out.

My friend was in a fire as a baby and his face is deformed and scarred.
He doesn’t bother with online dating because he knows he won’t get anyone.

I also have a friend with cerebral palsy and men don’t approach her, not because she’s not pretty or because they’re horrible but because as humans we have it built in us to go for the fittest mate.

There does need to be physical attraction but If you are not physically deformed then you should count yourself lucky.

If you are overweight and ugly then why not lose weight?

At the moment you have no confidence because you’re overweight and ugly (and lack of confidence is the biggest turn off).
Why not focus on healthy eating and exercising which will help you lose weight and gain confidence.
Even if you decide not to try dating at least you will feel good about yourself.

You say that, but being overweight myself (and very plain), the added weight does me no favours with my already challenging facial features.

Once you start losing weight and gaining confidence you’ll also be able to join clubs or gyms where you will make friends.

You can even start going on singles holidays and start making friends there too.

Focus on finding ways to love yourself and then getting some friends.
Then a relationship will follow.

OP don't buy into this beauty myth- it's all rubbish.

Having such poor self esteem limits our lives.

The issue is the way you feel about yourself, not the way you look.
Tackle the inner critic - there is a road to happiness.

You have more control over your self limiting thoughts than you think.

This isn't about being ugly or not, this is about claiming your right to a good life.

I have never been "beautiful", even when I was younger, but that had nothing to do with how my life has unfolded.

Have you had any form of therapy or counselling OP?

No of course but OP is obviously self conscious about her weight and looks.

Her weight is something she can change though, so it’s all about her finding more confidence and self love.

If she was happy with her weight then I’d never suggest she loses weight but it doesn’t sound like she is.

I am really fed up living within a society which brainwashes people (mainly men) to believe that a woman’s worth is only in her looks and figure. It is so sexist and misogynistic.
I am 50 now and just don’t remember this being such a thing when I was growing up, people on tv and in the music industry etc were often just normal looking. Of course there have always been attractive people and they have been held up on a pedestal since time began but it’s turned into something so much more than just beauty. Women are supposed to look like sex dolls or Barbie dolls. Filters are frequently used on all sm platforms so you never know if the person looks like that in real life or not. I very rarely see people in Rl with such perfect skin for example.
Personally, I am someone who is more artistic than practical and so my views on attractiveness goes way beyond standard aesthetics, I love to see unusual and different faces. I would not find someone with an unlined botoxed face with pumped up lips and a ‘perfect’ figure attractive. We are all so unique and society should embrace this rather than shove all women in the same box in which we should all look similar.
There is a guy I follow on SM (can’t remember his name), he is a photographer and travels the world taking photos of all different people, all different ages and ethnicities and they are all unique and all have their own attractive features. When he shows their finished pic they are all so interesting to look at and the more ‘quirkier’ faces the more interesting.
Ugliness is only seen by people with a very narrow view on what is important in life.
OP, I really hope you find some piece with how you feel about yourself. I bet my bottom dollar that many, many people would be drawn to you for a whole myriad of reasons.

I'm so sorry. I have experienced what you talk about, I had severe acne in my early teens which of course made me ripe for comments such as ‘you can't be a girl, you have too many spots to be a girl’. A woman at a bus stop said to me ‘you've got too many spots’ in disgust. My GP said at a routine appointment ‘does your face bother you?’ which made me feel absolutely awful.

But I became very attractive as I got older and it completely changes the world. Now I'm older, 40s, it’s pretty strange noticing how differently I'm treated by the younger ones who see me as some kind of old lady instead of someone they want to shag.

As I've put it to people in the past; if men want to shag you the world is completely different.

I'm not sure if people realise this dynamic or not.

Do you want to be a mother? You can use a sperm donor to have children, I mean it’s an option.

As for depression, if you're reacting to your surroundings it’s not a clinical condition, it's just a reaction to something upsetting. You can't medicate away your situation.

@Possimpible I had reported the post .
And you made it all about you. As to your two fingers, how charming.

I work in retail and I can assure you that physically unattractive people find partners!

Ugly is not about looks, it's about personality imo so while you may consider yourself physically unattractive I highly doubt you are ugly.

That being said, if you are going around projecting this view of yourself to others then yes, I can see why it's a turn off. You may not like the cliche but you need to love yourself before you expect anyone else to love you.

Get another cat, I think that will help make you happier, maybe look into some therapy? Positive affirmations daily (3 things you're grateful for) can help with your mindset.

But OP, only you have the power to change how you see yourself. Sending you a hug, I feel like you need one.