Can I just say that life as an ugly woman is horrible.

[SundayMorningTeaForOne]

I’m going to get very personal, so I’ve name changed for this one.

I hope we can be grown-up about this topic and no one’s going to hit me with the ”everyone’s beautiful in their own way” or claim that I have self-esteem issues.

Anyway, when I was younger boys really wanted to let me know how ugly they found me, so often made comments when I walked by.

When older I was loading some stuff in the car and men walked by and made those truck in reverse beeb-beeb-beeb sounds, you know letting me know I’m fat.

When out, men don’t talk to me, I’m not saying they have to be interested in me - this isin’t even what I mean, they complitely ignore me, talk to everyone else around us/ table, I’m air apperently.

I’m turning 40 next year. Never been on a date, never even been asked out on a date. So if anyone here want to argue my ugliness must be in my head, what more proof do you need.

Getting older has woken me up to the fact that I’m not going to have kids, I don’t have enough money and only family members I have I my prent and the way that they are, they are not going to support me with a child, so I can’t have a child on my own.
I don’t have enough resourses.

I can’t ger over the fact that I’ve went through life and never been loved.
No one’s ever cared about me, no one saw me as someone they’d (at least try) want to share and build a life with.
Always doing everything on my own, how tired I have become, I didn’t even notice it until I felt totally broken.
My cat died almost two years ago, she was the only one I’ve ever said good morning and good night to, now I just say to an empty room.
How sad is that?!

I honestly don’t know what keeps me here, why did I stay here for all these years. To still be alone.
Everyday I get up and go for a walk, no matter the weather, and feel like an idiot for doing that.

And in case someone wants to jump and say I must have depression, I just want to remaind that this is my life, had been always.
I’m just getting it all out. I think anyone would be very extatic if this is how their life had gone.
I had hope when I was younger / was happier, years / decades roled by and it wore me down.
That’s it.

Yes, agreed! Lots of ‘unless you’ve got a facial disfigurement…’

I’ve got a facial disfigurement and have a husband, career and children. Things aren’t always perfect, and I wish I didn’t have it, but for goodness sakes there are far worse things!

To the OP, this is not revolutionary but get a haircut and colour, learn what you can about make-up and apply it, try to lose weight if possible, and would highly recommend getting a new cat.

Apologies I’ve only read to page two, as the comments about facial disfigurement are horrible to read!

I remember watching a documentary where that lass off gogglebox went to live with a remote tribe of people. One of the guys said he was lower status because he was ugly. I think it's just an inherent human thing sadly.

I think it's likely that there is a man out there for you. Equally anxious. Get together and people will be jealous of the cuteness between you two. Don't worry. People always think they are uglier than they are. Promise. Everyone is anxious and worried.

I agree it really sucks if you are not conventionally pretty. I take great inspiration from Sinead O’Connor who chose not to trade on her looks.

I on occasion have been called ugly. Jobs, status, friends, money, men, promotions come cheaply to the fair. The only thing I can say is that the most exceptional people that I have met were by instagram standards ‘ugly’. The slight advantage about apparently not being ‘gorgeous’ is that it outs the shallow and I wd dump anyone who made me feel I wasn’t valued.

Believe it or not there are many people who definitely do not judge by appearances and a few good friends are worth 1,000 fake. Getting a man or being rich isn’t a silver bullet. Though I agree it wd be nice to experience that, so I am not going to patronise you.

Honestly, I wd get a dog .. they get you out and about and are great friends. I was at a country show and this lady had bought a beautiful lurcher type and he had clearly opened up a whole new happy world for her with coursing and showing competitions.

I find your post more of a reflection on your self-image than how others perceive you. Some people are so determined to see the worst in themselves they design their whole personalities to turn that self-perception real. The truth is most men aren’t picky. I was always the fat, ugly, ungroomed, ‘smelly’ friend (lol I used to go to clubs unshowered straight after gym etc) but I was confident - I made it work.

At 40 picking nice men up at clubs won’t work. The trick now is to go somewhere you will meet nice men in a relaxed environment over shared interests. Join a climbing gym (they are more social), or a local social / walking group, put yourself out there. It’s scary but THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Don’t be a supporting character in your own life - if you want a boyfriend go and get one.

I don't mean to be nasty, and my assumption could of course have been incorrect, but I was just describing an experience relevant to the thread.

Oh no. Perhaps 'unfortunate' looking people should just go live in a colony or something?

Teenaged girl on the train could have been a brilliant scientist or artist in embryo, but let's not see beyond the face eh.

Women like you are part of her misery.

Well aren't you the fucking lucky one then. 🙄
You'll just be remembered by anonymous MNrs for your nasty judgemental opinions about other (teenage) women.
I really hope that young girl didn't notice your pity.

@vinoandbrie People are cruel and stupid, you're a damn sight better than anyone that thinks a facial disfigurement means you're ugly or unattractive. Half the people spouting that shit will be single and lonely, you’ve got your kids and husband

I hear you, Op. I'm not attractive and very overweight, although I wouldn't use the word ugly about anyone including myself.
With the greatest respect to the posters who are suggesting makeovers and losing weight, I think they don't realise that it feels pointless.
What has worked for me is self acceptance. I 'm mid 50s and I don't care what shallow, looks obsessed men and women think of me any more. As my boss said when she wore tailored shorts to work in the heatwave, if they don't like my stubby legs, they don't have to look.
I had a few dates when I was younger but no long term relationships so at about your age I adopted two girls. That is a whole other story but I'm not close to either of them now. They've hurt me so many times and I've recently had to build a bullet proof shield around my heart because they came close to destroying me. I was also referred for counselling by my GP and that has been a huge help. And I've been on anti depressants for years. I don't drink but I do comfort eat. Whatever gets you through the day in my view.
I'm lucky in that I have two sisters although we're not particularly close, and some very good friends. Even if you're quite a solitary person like me, maybe widen your circle by joining a walking group, book club, choir, voluntary work, whatever floats your boat. There is a group where I live which meets at local pubs and cafes for anyone just to turn up to and have a chat.
I have two cats and a dog (the dog and one of the cats were acquired by daughter and subsequently passed to me) and they're a reason to get up in the morning. The dog sleeps in bed with me, one of the cats on the other side, and I know they love me as much as I love them. There are so many unwanted pets so please consider getting another one. If you feel silly going for walks by yourself I believe there is a website called borrow my doggy, or I'm sure elderly, ill or disabled people in your community would be glad of someone to walk their pooch.
The other thing I'm doing is making plans for my future, a future which may well not include my daughters. I want to move from the Midlands to the coast and start a new life for myself there. Although I'm not I'm a position to go just yet, I'm researching property, jobs, public transport, medical facilities etc.
I know how it feels to be so hopeless and sending big hugs and wishes that you start to feel better soon x

Where did I say I thought she should live in a colony? Yes, she could have had many brilliant qualities, and probably does, but it's ridiculous to suggest people don't make judgements based on what someone looks like.

I wish I could give you a hug. I really do ❤️ I am so sorry that you feel this way, and FWIW I don’t think you come across and depressed or deluded or anything. You are being honest about how your perceive your situation, but I am so sad for you and the loneliness and general exclusion you feel. Genuinely sending you a lot of love xxx

I understand what you’re saying and accept that, but it’s not a reason to be alone. You also get “ugly” men, and they “pair up” which is where the term league came from, “she is out your league”, “ His punching above his weight”. Etc.

so just because you think your ugly, that’s not reason enough to be alone, if you didn’t want to be.

But if you go for ugly blokes they inevitably feel entitled to pretty women and think you are beneath them.

@Dolphinnoises

honestly think the only answer is to turn your eyes from the mirror to the world outside.

I think that’s goods advice. Maybe try volunteering, some kind of group travel (quite popular nowadays), or some meet-up (website) groups. Some of the people there may also be lonely and looking for companionship - as well of course as engaging in an enjoyable activity/ hobby.

People do judge others attractiveness, but what can be even more important (even for men) is a person who smiles, displays welcoming and confident body language, and is interested in what others have to say.

The physically unattractive person in the meet-up group who displays those attributes will be more popular (and have a lot more fun) than the physically attractive knockout person who is quiet, doesn’t engage, and looks serious. Doesn’t mean you need to be like that all time, but consider it more a skill that can be deployed in short bursts to make connections.

You said 'meet'. What do you think when you meet someone @LaPerduta? I am human, I see what they look like, but I also hear what they are saying. I make a judgment based on that. If they are clever, kind, thoughtful, amusing. Or conversely a shallow, narcissistic or nasty twat. What they look like is not going to be the thing I remember.

Fucking hell.

Yeah, that's just the character assassination op needed.

You're a peach aren't you?

@Allmyghosts

But if you go for ugly blokes they inevitably feel entitled to pretty women and think you are beneath them

I don’t think that’s the case for the majority. And I think on modern dating apps etc, it’s more often the case of women who are “overrating” themselves - only considering the top 10-20% attractive men of their age demographic when they’re barely in the top 50% of women themselves.

Another vote for a new pet. If you go out walking every day, perhaps get a dog? Get a cat as well!! Or 2 cats!! Fill your life with pets.
When I got a dog, I was honestly staggered by how sociable it is. Every time out walking with him I chat to other dog walkers. It's one of the best things about having him, other than the unconditional love.
Hang in there OP. X

Because it's so uncommon in our society to notice someone's attractiveness or lack thereof...

Maybe I expressed it badly, but I was trying to say I understood the OP's point.

i see lots of people having their breasts/teeth/lips done that look so fake, a friend with average looks wont let anyone see her without makeup.im ok looking but over weight,try and boost your confidence,a nice person who cares is attractive just as much as a good looking person,as people have said i have seen lots of not good looking people with partners,try and mingle a bit night class/hobby etc,get your confidence up the rest will follow, good luck,xx

Sending a hug, beautiful people have it so much easier.

The world's biggest divorce payment was to a former beauty queen who said being beautiful opened up the world. She married a billionaire and then money opened it up further. Has a fantastic life with so many opportunities.

Now back to normal folks, many are lucky and meet someone with something in common. There are lots of ugly men too, however, men tend to shoot higher and look at women out of their reach, apparently women look lower or to no-one.

Can you join a walking group to meet people? As people get older the searching for looks etc might wane? A new dog or cat as company too.

Good luck

OP, I am ugly as fuck. Seriously. Have been since my teens. Big bulbus porous nose, unfortunately placed hairy facial moles the "best" of them on my chin and hanging off the end of my nose. Small eyes and thin hair. Huge ears. Terrible crowded, weak teeth - I had a mouthful of black fillings by my early 20s. I come from a family of 5 siblings and I can truthfully say we have all been prodded with the ugly stick.

All of us had relationships when younger. Then all married/did the family thing. All have careers. We went out and enjoyed life. Thankfully, while most of our offspring are not conventional raving beauty's, the ugly stick was less heavy on them!

If you have sat at home lamenting your ugliness and blaming it on everything that hasn't gone the way you wanted in life you are looking in the wrong place for answers.

The suggestions above to try make up and contouring are well meant but superficial. It won't solve a single issue. If anything it will make you feel worse because you can't "transform" your vision of yourself.

You have already spent too much of your life focusing on your ugliness. It is up to you what you focus on for the next 40 years. You have a lot to offer, take small tentative, and increasing risks and get yourself out there - clubs, volunteering, take an interest in other people, enjoy getting physically and mentally healthier, see your GP if you need help. It might not be the life you envisioned or wanted, but it can be fun if you let it.

I remember watching a documentary where that lass off gogglebox went to live with a remote tribe of people. One of the guys said he was lower status because he was ugly. I think it's just an inherent human thing sadly.

I think it is. But the good news is that most people can get by well enough with just a couple of friends and/or a life partner. We don’t need to be universally welcomed, just make two or three decent connections. In fact, I think younger people who are Mr / Mrs popular and have 100s of acquaintances often realise as they can older that those quantity over quality connections/relationships are absolutely worthless.

OP I can't read the whole thread as I'm going out but I can totally understand your feelings as I could have written your exact same post. The only difference is that I'm a few years older and though pregnancy is technically possible it would be extremely unlikely now.

If you want children and you're sure, look into using donor sperm before it's too late.

Secondly, I have been both obese and slim, and as a slim woman with an ugly face I would still get interest. Many men overlook a plain or unattractive face if the body is good, so work on that if you can. Also, being slim will help with getting pregnant.