To not want this child in my home?

[AlastorMoodysMadEye]

I feel like I should caveat this with me not actually holding this child responsible. She’s 4 so her behaviour isn’t necessarily something she can self regulate but it’s awful behaviour that her parents also seem to be unable/unwilling to address.

But I’ve had it. Every time she’s here things get broken - from cups to walls and furniture - because she repeatedly plays with or climbs on things she’s asked not to. You ask her not to eat anywhere but the table and she’ll grab her food and run off to the bathroom/bedroom/couch and smear whatever she has wherever she is. You ask her to leave things alone and she won’t until you wrestle them off her and then she will throw a massive tantrum, which can be ear-splitting and often involves her kicking out and more things being damaged or people being hurt.

Obviously the answer is don’t have her back until she behaves but if I set a rule like that it’ll cause the most almighty family row, with generations getting involved, and I’m not sure, knowing that it would be coming, whether I’m actually being unreasonable as how do we expect 4yo children to behave? And I’ll be told stuff is less important than faaaaaaamily.

So AIBU to actually put my home and belongings (and shins) ahead of family unity? Or do I have to suck it up and have my house trashed whenever she comes.

Nobody should pass comment if the child is being destructive in somebody else as house?
The child may well.have SEN I am the parent of a severely autistic child with severe learning disabilities who.has extremely challenging behaviour but I don't allow him.free reign in someone else's house ,we don't take to.other peoples houses other than my parents .

She sounds a bit like my son at that age, he was later diagnosed with autism. I hated going to people's houses as it was exhausting trying to run around after him, handling tantrums etc with the pressure of someone sitting there with a cuppa expecting a chat! I agree with others there are 2 issues, the behaviour and the bad parenting.

If the child behaves like a destructive toddler then you'll have to set boundaries as you would for that age, no going upstairs, all rooms but one locked etc. And tell family why you have had to do this, you could phrase that the alternative option would be them following the child around the house and that wouldn't be comfortable for them, either way you are not OK with the child damaging your house. I remember the huge sense of relief when people set boundaries for us, locked doors etc, or when they told the child 'no one is allowed in that room'. When you spend all day having battles with your child its awful to be doing it again with an audience in an unfamiliar place, especially when the new environment can be part of the trigger in the first place. That's coming from the perspective of a conscientious parent, it sounds like your family members don't seem to care!

Indulged child - you are not unreasonable to not have them in your home

Too many children are starting school lacking in basic behaviour ( if there is no sen then this is bad parenting) and respect

I wouldn’t worry about the family kick off - then can have their home destroyed - just shrug and say ‘ is her behaviour acceptable?’ Like a broken record

I’d honestly simply say that you find her behaviour too challenging to have in your home.

Support her parents from a distance. Meet in other places. If she darts off, let her parents deal with it.

You are entitled not to have your home wrecked. Perhaps she has an additional needs. Perhaps her parents are crap. Who knows. Either are possible (or both.) Either way, find ways meeting outside of your home.

Your house your rules op it’s not ok and difficult to keep your child on track with this kind of crazy stuff.
maybe there’s something going on maybe adhd or similar
non the less only meet in the great outdoors
with a parent present
it’s not ok

Whatever the reason for the behaviour, I'd be declining visits on the basis that you house is "not safe (and can't be made safe) for such a lively child" and that you "cannot be responsible for her safety". I agree, whatever the reason, its not ok and you should not have to change YOUR home to cope with the needs of someone else's chiled, even a family member.

I have the impression that little girl is naughty because her parents let her be. Indeed, looking the other way is much easier than constantly correcting and educating. But even if she has SEN there are ways of educating her. No reason at all to let her have a go at what-/who ever she wants. No child comes with an instruction manual and with SEN you might need an encyclopedia but letting that girl run wild is not an option. How is she supposed to ever go to school? Fit in a group of children?

wow, would not be putting up with that. I would NOT be nice to her about saying it isn't acceptable, and give the proper stink-eye, even if it makes her mildly wary of you, it will serve the purpose.

I’m the parent of a very unruly 3 year old 😂😂 he can be an absolute nightmare at times, BUT I am on top of him, I would not allow him to carry on in the way you have described. I follow him around non-stop and would take him out of the house if he was behaving like this. My son is definitely not special needs, he is just a pain in the butt ha ha but I take full responsibility for his behaviour. He is nearing 4 now and is getting much better in all fairness.
from what you have described the main issue is the parents,
they should come prepared, I take snacks, tablets, toys etc wherever I go to keep him entertained, and I certainly wouldn’t just leave him to it. I’d be horrified. Maybe a chat with the parents about it, but really they shouldn’t need to be told. I suppose they could be worn out and at their wits end, but still not really an excuse.

Being honest tell the parents straight that you love them visiting but they have to respect your house & your belongings, so when the little one starts misbehaving you tell her no that’s not allowed & if she continues & the parents do nothing simply ask them to leave, just say since your not willing to abide by my rules & parent your child please leave & don’t come back until your willing to tell her off, if you want to see me before that we can meet at your house, the park,a local soft play or cafe & catch up but until the wee one has learned boundaries & respecting other peoples belongings I can’t have her over, I’ve actually had to do that with adults instead of the children lol

It's about the parent's not attempting to modify or control her wild behaviour -that is obv the real issue.

My kids have lovely cousins who were extremely physical and aggressive with my kids and our stuff when they were all little. I really resented that my sil and bil didn't intervene and set any rules. They are older now and all grew up to be really nice kids. But I dreaded the visits when my kids were small.
I would lock all the doors of rooms you don't want her to get into. Remove as many breakables as possible -it's annoying and she will still find things you don't want her interfering with.
If she is four and about to start school, you may see a difference and/or any issues may be flagged and better dealt with.
Ultimately, saying something is likely to frame you as being precious and will create the nasty atmosphere you're concerned about.
I know the family think I'm ott and not much fun which irritates me but I think they're inconsiderate and rude. Still love them. Just how families are sometimes.

Nope, I couldn’t deal with this and I have a neurodiverse child. Key is still putting in boundaries and ensuing they can self regulate, burn off energy etc and a house in a not the ideal place to do this.

Sounds a bit like my 4 year old boy. We try our hardest but are going through the process of having him diagnosed with possible ADHD.
might not be a case of her being “naughty” so be careful and perhaps like another poster has suggested, meet at the park or somewhere?

Sen or additional needs or not children have to have boundaries and have to learn to behave in an acceptable manner in certain places. If they cannot then they do not go. In this case it sounds more like over indulgence and lazy parenting and if that means the family suffer the consequences of jo linger being invited into your home that is on them.

I would not host again. I would also tell them why, if they ask. If she is in your house again though, I think I would be shouting at the parents saying you don’t want your house to be trashed and they must entertain their child or go home! I would be most upset if something in my house was broken through bad behaviour (I am not overly precious either).

Another parent of an autistic and an ADHD child here. I also can relate to a lot of what’s being said about your nieces behaviour as . Not sure if it’s been suggested but she sounds like she has a lot of traits of Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and this is something that can go hand in hand with children that are autistic and ADHD. Also PDA - Pathological Demand Avoidance. This particularly can become an issue once they find their own voice and can communicate well. In my experience anyway. But as has been noted, SEN is not an excuse to just push boundaries and behave in such a way. These issues need addressing by the parents and pronto or she will become so out of hand they won’t want to go anywhere with her.

I would not host again, period. You aren't obliged to.

Suggest everyone rent an Airbnb together. Maybe being charged breakage fees will open their eyes.

Sounds like she may have some additional needs. Do the parents need some support?

YANBU OP. My husband’s friend’s child is just like this and it’s easy for the PPs to say “Let their parents deal with it” but in my experience they don’t parent and come round someone else’s house to relax, forget they have a child and let the hosts parent. I feel frazzled when they finally leave: trying to cook, host and constantly making sure their child doesn’t hurt themself trying to climb on sharp edged furniture. But then there’s the cleaning up to do when they’ve been allowed to run around with coloured food, despite saying they need to sit at the table.

Always meet somewhere else. It’s so much easier to just sit back and let their parents get on with it that way, I find.

As a compromise, meet up half way for lunch. But do it in a child friendly place, soft play, trampoline park etc. she might not be able to manage herself so arrange it that she can just go wild safely. It’s not ideal, but neither is being taken to places that aren’t child friendly. Btw I don’t disagree with you, it would drive me mad.

That’s most definitely not normal behaviour for a 4 year old. Imagine if she behaved like that at school?! Good luck OP

fuck that, her parents sound useless. I understand they are prob ground down by her behaviour but she needs watching like a hawk, they shouldn’t let her wander off doing what she likes.

I had a friend with a kid like this and we rarely met in our house. That sounds tricky for you though.

I also used to be embarrassed in pubs and restaurants when she was running around and her mum ignored it but I learnt to detach a bit.

Maybe the ‘feral brat’ has Autism or ADHD. Sound’s out of control. If the parents haven’t come up with an explanation I would just say it’s too much having them there.

HRTFT but my 20 month old twin DGS are not dissimilar & we have found the use of brass cabin hooks placed high up on the doors of bedrooms, bathrooms & the pantry has at least slowed them up & concentrates the behaviour into rooms where they can be more easily supervised.