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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son's sweets back to the shop?

175 replies

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:14

I was in the park today with my kids, boy aged 10 and girl aged 5, my friend and her kids, boy aged 11 and girl aged 4.

The boys started to get a bit bored so I gave them my card and said they could go over to the shop and get a pack of 6 ice lollies for us all. Son started to say he doesn't like ice lollies as they are "melty and annoying" this isn't true, he eats ice lollies all the time but whatever, I relented and said he could get a SMALL sweet instead. I clearly specified one sweet, about the size of the ice lolly. Other kids just wanted ice lolly. Fine.

Son then comes back from the shop. Says he does want ice lolly now and proceeded to pull other stuff he got from his bag. One massive bag of crisps, like a sharing size bag, and two big bags of sweets totalling £6 plus the £1.50 box of ice lollies he now says he wants one of.

I said no, he's taking the mick and he knows better than to abuse the trust I give him when I give him my card.
I told him he could have an ice lolly only now and I took all the other stuff back to the shop. I didn't shout or get angry or anything but I was firm and told him no, he's not keeping it.

DH thinks I should have just told him off but let him keep the sweets and crisps.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Totaly · 29/07/2023 14:17

I have also done this. What would he learn fro
being allowed to keep his treats?

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2023 14:17

He's too young to be given your card. I've seen this again and again and parents wonder why it goes wrong. But I agree with you taking the stuff back. If it was a small shop, it's cost them money.

VinEtFromage · 29/07/2023 14:19

If your finances allowed it, I'd have kept the other treats for everyone to share over the weekend, but there would have been consequences for breaking my trust.

Original poster
Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:22

He has his own gohenry card that his pocket money goes on and he regularly goes on errands to the shop with my card. He knows better.

And it was a small co-op.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 29/07/2023 14:22

He stole from you and your DH said he should get to keep (eat) the stolen goods?

YANBU

PuttingDownRoots · 29/07/2023 14:25

Give him cash only in future. He's proved he can't be trusted.

Gettinagoldtoof · 29/07/2023 14:25

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2023 14:17

He's too young to be given your card. I've seen this again and again and parents wonder why it goes wrong. But I agree with you taking the stuff back. If it was a small shop, it's cost them money.

Too young at 10…?! My son was travelling across London on the underground at that age and would sometimes take my card if he’d left his at his dad’s for example. We agreed he could get a snack, and he would come home proudly telling me his snack only cost 30p as he’d wanted to save me money. 10 is totally old enough to be responsible, aware of finances and care about the feelings of others.

I think what you did was great parenting actually. You gave him trust, he broke it and you resolved it. He won’t do it again (hopefully!) He can do stuff to rebuild your trust.

ohtowinthelottery · 29/07/2023 14:30

You shouldn't be giving your card to anyone. I think if you read the terms and conditions of issue you'll find it in there. So YABU to give him your card. What happens if the machine requires the PIN? Have you given him that as well?
At least you now know not to trust him.

Growlybear83 · 29/07/2023 14:30

Sorry, but if you give someone else your card then you've really only got yourself to blame. Children do get carried away in sweet shops and he probably didn't really appreciate how much he had spent. I would keep the things he bought and share them out with the family, and learn not to give your card to anyone else again!

Original poster
Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:31

Gettinagoldtoof · 29/07/2023 14:25

Too young at 10…?! My son was travelling across London on the underground at that age and would sometimes take my card if he’d left his at his dad’s for example. We agreed he could get a snack, and he would come home proudly telling me his snack only cost 30p as he’d wanted to save me money. 10 is totally old enough to be responsible, aware of finances and care about the feelings of others.

I think what you did was great parenting actually. You gave him trust, he broke it and you resolved it. He won’t do it again (hopefully!) He can do stuff to rebuild your trust.

Show quote history

Thank you. I was surprised he did it tbh as he is generally a good kid. Maybe he wanted to impress his friend, I don't know. I don't think he'll do it again though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:34

We all share cards in my family. DH and I use each others and I give mine to my son if he goes to the shops for me which he does sometimes. I've even given it to my mum or my friends to pay a resturant bill if I'm going to the toilet or something. That's the beauty of contact less, eh?
Would giving him cash be any different, really?

OP posts:
Positive41 · 29/07/2023 14:39

This is so OTT.

Growlybear83 · 29/07/2023 14:55

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:34

We all share cards in my family. DH and I use each others and I give mine to my son if he goes to the shops for me which he does sometimes. I've even given it to my mum or my friends to pay a resturant bill if I'm going to the toilet or something. That's the beauty of contact less, eh?
Would giving him cash be any different, really?

Yes it would be different because you could have given him the amount he needed to buy the lollies.

It also puts you in a bit of a vulnerable position with your bank of you give your card to a child (or someone else) and they were to lose it or have it stolen. It's worth checking the terms and conditions of your card as many banks don't allow anyone else to use your card.

pinkishlemonade · 29/07/2023 14:59

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:34

We all share cards in my family. DH and I use each others and I give mine to my son if he goes to the shops for me which he does sometimes. I've even given it to my mum or my friends to pay a resturant bill if I'm going to the toilet or something. That's the beauty of contact less, eh?
Would giving him cash be any different, really?

Of course it would. You’d give him the money he could buy sweets for, not an unlimited amount.

Trying2understand · 29/07/2023 15:00

I also wouldn't let him have the sweets. I suspect he was trying to impress older friend. Keeping your cool and just following through with consequence etc., is definitely the best approach. Hopefully a lesson learned. I would try to talk to him about it a bit later, so he can better understand both why he did it and why it wasn't okay.

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 15:02

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:14

I was in the park today with my kids, boy aged 10 and girl aged 5, my friend and her kids, boy aged 11 and girl aged 4.

The boys started to get a bit bored so I gave them my card and said they could go over to the shop and get a pack of 6 ice lollies for us all. Son started to say he doesn't like ice lollies as they are "melty and annoying" this isn't true, he eats ice lollies all the time but whatever, I relented and said he could get a SMALL sweet instead. I clearly specified one sweet, about the size of the ice lolly. Other kids just wanted ice lolly. Fine.

Son then comes back from the shop. Says he does want ice lolly now and proceeded to pull other stuff he got from his bag. One massive bag of crisps, like a sharing size bag, and two big bags of sweets totalling £6 plus the £1.50 box of ice lollies he now says he wants one of.

I said no, he's taking the mick and he knows better than to abuse the trust I give him when I give him my card.
I told him he could have an ice lolly only now and I took all the other stuff back to the shop. I didn't shout or get angry or anything but I was firm and told him no, he's not keeping it.

DH thinks I should have just told him off but let him keep the sweets and crisps.

AIBU?

It is YOUR fault you gave him the card. It is not the shop keepers fault.

You should bear the consequences and not the shop keeper.

Throw the sweets away or give them away. But don’t involve the shop keeper.

Is it even legal for you to give him your card?

Sherrystrull · 29/07/2023 15:03

I would have done exactly the same thing with my 10 year old. At this age they start getting more independence and push the boundaries of that. They need to know that we will push back. My dc has done it with swear words, road safety and buying extra things in a shop. Each time it has led to a conversation about boundaries and he hasn't pushed them again as he knows the consequences.

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 15:03

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:34

We all share cards in my family. DH and I use each others and I give mine to my son if he goes to the shops for me which he does sometimes. I've even given it to my mum or my friends to pay a resturant bill if I'm going to the toilet or something. That's the beauty of contact less, eh?
Would giving him cash be any different, really?

Just because you often do it with no consequences doesn’t make it ok. Each time it’s a risk that YOU take.

Poppins2016 · 29/07/2023 15:04

I might not necessarily have taken the sweets back, but I definitely would have confiscated them and not allowed him to have them (they'd be hidden and then go into general "household treat" circulation after an appropriate amount of time had lapsed).

Actions/decisions have consequences.

aSofaNearYou · 29/07/2023 15:07

I'd have kept them (and eaten them myself at my leisure) rather than taking them back but either way, YANBU, he shouldn't have got to keep them.

Poppins2016 · 29/07/2023 15:09

...was there perhaps some influence from the other boy that explains why your son behaved out of character? Either encouragement or pure showing off? Not that it would change my course of action but it would explain the behaviour...

Deadringer · 29/07/2023 15:14

Well you thought you could trust him with your card but you can't, lesson learned. I wouldn't return the stuff, but I wouldn't have let him have it. I would either share it out or save it for another occasion.

MigGirl · 29/07/2023 15:21

I have a 16year old and a 12 year old. I don't give them my card. It's either cash or I will transfer money into their banks.

I could easily see DS (youngest) being persuaded by friends to spend more money. It's not just about trusting them It's about others to and it's your own responsibility to keep your bank details safe. What if the machine had asked for your pin? You are not supposed to share these things.

I don't even give DH my card, we will sometimes for online purchases but then he or me are both there. 🤔

Raindropsoncanvas · 29/07/2023 15:21

Perhaps he was showing off or thought you might feel uncomfortable to show displeasure in front of your friend. Possibly neither of these thoughts went through his mind. You’ve taught him and his friend a valuable lesson.
To have absorbed the additional purchases into your family’s treats would have demonstrated a degree of acceptance, an accommodation of your son going beyond your boundary.
No. Mum’s word should be final in this instance.

rainbowstardrops · 29/07/2023 15:29

Bloody ridiculous giving him your card! Doesn't it tell you not to share your pin with anybody, which I presume he'd have to if the contactless didn't work (which often happens).
I wouldn't have taken the items back but I also wouldn't be trusting him with my card any time soon ever and he'd have an ice lolly or nothing.