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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son's sweets back to the shop?

175 replies

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:14

I was in the park today with my kids, boy aged 10 and girl aged 5, my friend and her kids, boy aged 11 and girl aged 4.

The boys started to get a bit bored so I gave them my card and said they could go over to the shop and get a pack of 6 ice lollies for us all. Son started to say he doesn't like ice lollies as they are "melty and annoying" this isn't true, he eats ice lollies all the time but whatever, I relented and said he could get a SMALL sweet instead. I clearly specified one sweet, about the size of the ice lolly. Other kids just wanted ice lolly. Fine.

Son then comes back from the shop. Says he does want ice lolly now and proceeded to pull other stuff he got from his bag. One massive bag of crisps, like a sharing size bag, and two big bags of sweets totalling £6 plus the £1.50 box of ice lollies he now says he wants one of.

I said no, he's taking the mick and he knows better than to abuse the trust I give him when I give him my card.
I told him he could have an ice lolly only now and I took all the other stuff back to the shop. I didn't shout or get angry or anything but I was firm and told him no, he's not keeping it.

DH thinks I should have just told him off but let him keep the sweets and crisps.

AIBU?

OP posts:
strongcupofTea · 29/07/2023 15:33

You should be able to give your child your card to pay for things at the shop. I was going to the shop for eggs and milk etc by the time I was 7. My mum would give me a £5 note or whatever and I'd be expected to bring back the change. Wasn't allowed sweets though, which looking back was a bit mean considering I was doing jobs for my mum.
If he's old enough to know right and wrong and have some responsibilities then this is on him, not on you OP. Just use this as an opportunity to teach him a lesson about stealing and trust.
I probably wouldn't return the goods cause I'm lazy but I would hold them back and make him earn then gradually.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/07/2023 15:33

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:34

We all share cards in my family. DH and I use each others and I give mine to my son if he goes to the shops for me which he does sometimes. I've even given it to my mum or my friends to pay a resturant bill if I'm going to the toilet or something. That's the beauty of contact less, eh?
Would giving him cash be any different, really?

If you ever have reason to query a card transaction and the bank finds out you have allowed other people to use your card, they are unlikely to reimburse you for any fraudulent transaction.

Batshit1 · 29/07/2023 15:35

My eldest dd will try this kind of thing if she can and in the past has bought a giant bag of hairibos with my card when she as told she could buy a ‘small sweet’. I took them off her gave her a a handful and we shared the rest out best time we had a film night.

I think it’s natural for kids to test the boundaries a bit like this and I can definitely remember spending more of my mums change than we were allowed when she sent us to the shop for something. I don’t really think there any need to overreact as long as they know you aren’t going to let them get away with it.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2023 15:35

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 15:02

It is YOUR fault you gave him the card. It is not the shop keepers fault.

You should bear the consequences and not the shop keeper.

Throw the sweets away or give them away. But don’t involve the shop keeper.

Is it even legal for you to give him your card?

Show quote history

Op hasn't blamed the shop keeper. And as it's a COOP not an independent store I very much doubt the money will come out of the managers pocket anyway. Altho presumably if unopened they'll end up back on the shelf

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 29/07/2023 15:41

YANBU in the slightest. Of course the treats go back - he wasn't given permission to buy them.

However, I do think you were very silly to give a 10 and 11yo access to your bank card.

DinnaeFashYersel · 29/07/2023 15:48

YANBU

He needs to learn. If he's going to be trusted with the card he has to learn it's not a few for all.

TakenRoot · 29/07/2023 15:50

I am surprised you can return edible stuff to shops like that. And I do know transactions cost them.

You knew your Ds was winding you up with the lolly refusal. Also kids behave very differently together than on their own (always less reliable). So I would have confiscated all the other stuff to be used over coming weeks instead of any other treat purchases and restricted him to a lolly, as you did.

sanityisamyth · 29/07/2023 15:58

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2023 14:17

He's too young to be given your card. I've seen this again and again and parents wonder why it goes wrong. But I agree with you taking the stuff back. If it was a small shop, it's cost them money.

My 9 year old DS has my debit and credit cards (and Apple Pay) and is more responsible than I am with them. I quite often ask him to go the shops to buy some stamps or some milk etc and he does exactly as he's told.

IDontHarte · 29/07/2023 15:59

I would have taken them back too, he's old enough to know what he's doing

Tangled123 · 29/07/2023 16:09

I wouldn’t go back to the shop (unless I needed the money back), but kid wouldn’t get to keep the sweets either. I’d either share them between us all at the park, or taken them home to be shared later (or just eaten by me).

UpaladderwatchingTV · 29/07/2023 16:11

I'm interested to know whether YOU took them back OP, or whether you made your son do it? It's obviously fine if you did it yourself, but I think I'd have made him do it, as the embarrassment of having to ask for his money back, may well have been another lesson in why he shouldn't buy things he didn't have permission to.

EhrlicheFrau · 29/07/2023 16:14

I am not sure the shopkeeper has to take the food back, unless there's something wrong with it. In all honesty I am shocked that you (and others) seem to think it's ok to give their child (or someone else) their personal card to use - that's technically seen as fraud! For now I'd be making sure he knew that he betrayed your trust, and make sure everyone gets to share these treats at home. Next time give him cash or transfer money to his account/card in advance.

Floralnomad · 29/07/2023 16:15

Tangled123 · 29/07/2023 16:09

I wouldn’t go back to the shop (unless I needed the money back), but kid wouldn’t get to keep the sweets either. I’d either share them between us all at the park, or taken them home to be shared later (or just eaten by me).

This .

HarrietJet · 29/07/2023 16:20

Gettinagoldtoof · 29/07/2023 14:25

Too young at 10…?! My son was travelling across London on the underground at that age and would sometimes take my card if he’d left his at his dad’s for example. We agreed he could get a snack, and he would come home proudly telling me his snack only cost 30p as he’d wanted to save me money. 10 is totally old enough to be responsible, aware of finances and care about the feelings of others.

I think what you did was great parenting actually. You gave him trust, he broke it and you resolved it. He won’t do it again (hopefully!) He can do stuff to rebuild your trust.

Show quote history

Most children travel across London on the tube at this age, certainly.

Most children of this age are not routinely handed their parents bank card to buy "snacks". Weird to conflate the two...
Btw, he paid for a 30p snack by card? Why not just give him a couple of quid?

HarrietJet · 29/07/2023 16:20

sanityisamyth · 29/07/2023 15:58

My 9 year old DS has my debit and credit cards (and Apple Pay) and is more responsible than I am with them. I quite often ask him to go the shops to buy some stamps or some milk etc and he does exactly as he's told.

Show quote history

😵‍💫

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 29/07/2023 16:46

Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 14:34

We all share cards in my family. DH and I use each others and I give mine to my son if he goes to the shops for me which he does sometimes. I've even given it to my mum or my friends to pay a resturant bill if I'm going to the toilet or something. That's the beauty of contact less, eh?
Would giving him cash be any different, really?

Well it’s giving him wide ranging access to your bank account not giving him exact change so yes, very different.

I haven’t been asked for a PIN on my card in the last couple of thousand pounds of transactions (multiple ‘tap and go’ under the £100 limit) so you could be looking at losing a lot of money either to him deliberately spending extra (as here), him making a mistake (thinking £95.00 is £9.50 for example) or someone seeing a child as easy to steal from.

SmudgeButt · 29/07/2023 16:48

I've no problem with you sending your child to a shop to buy things. I've no problem with you giving him cash to do this. I've no problem with people ensuring their children can become responsible by having their own cards etc.

But if your bank discovers you are letting anyone, OH, DC, Mom, use your card they can close your account. If you ever try to dispute a charge with your bank they will tell you it's your own fault and they will be right. You are breaking the T&Cs of having the card.

And yes, you should have confiscated all the extras he bought and either returned them (assuming the shop would take them) or put them away for another day to be shared by everyone. And given him a firm lecture on what happens to thieves.

OnAWobblyFence · 29/07/2023 16:50

Just deduct from his pocket money and move on.

Sigmama · 29/07/2023 16:51

Nah, not worth the bother, he's just being a bit cheeky, if you have time to return them, why didn't you go in the first place

TakenRoot · 29/07/2023 16:56

UpaladderwatchingTV · 29/07/2023 16:11

I'm interested to know whether YOU took them back OP, or whether you made your son do it? It's obviously fine if you did it yourself, but I think I'd have made him do it, as the embarrassment of having to ask for his money back, may well have been another lesson in why he shouldn't buy things he didn't have permission to.

Risky.

A refund to the card may have shown that it was not the child’s card, in which case the shop are obliged to keep it.

Original poster
Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 16:58

Sigmama · 29/07/2023 16:51

Nah, not worth the bother, he's just being a bit cheeky, if you have time to return them, why didn't you go in the first place

Because as I said in my OP, he was bored and wanted something to do so I let him and his friend go to the shop for the ice lollies.

OP posts:
Gettinagoldtoof · 29/07/2023 17:00

HarrietJet · 29/07/2023 16:20

Most children travel across London on the tube at this age, certainly.

Most children of this age are not routinely handed their parents bank card to buy "snacks". Weird to conflate the two...
Btw, he paid for a 30p snack by card? Why not just give him a couple of quid?

Show quote history

My point was a child of that age is actually very capable of having an adult’s card and not taking the piss. I gave him my card to get a snack as he needed it for a fortnight until returning to his father’s where he could collect his own card. The card had a nominal amount on it. I was demonstrating that he knew he had a budget of around a quid a day for two weeks and tried to save so he wouldn’t even spend that much.

I was illustrating that he is old enough to use my card. Old enough to know what to do with it. Old enough not to be silly.

KeyWorker · 29/07/2023 17:01

I’m actually surprised the co-op let you return it.

Original poster
Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 17:02

UpaladderwatchingTV · 29/07/2023 16:11

I'm interested to know whether YOU took them back OP, or whether you made your son do it? It's obviously fine if you did it yourself, but I think I'd have made him do it, as the embarrassment of having to ask for his money back, may well have been another lesson in why he shouldn't buy things he didn't have permission to.

I told him he was wrong and why in front of his friend and I confiscated his stuff. I thought this was sufficient and didn't feel he needed to be humiliated as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applescruffle · 29/07/2023 17:03

pinkishlemonade · 29/07/2023 14:59

Of course it would. You’d give him the money he could buy sweets for, not an unlimited amount.

Show quote history

An unlimited amount? Wow. I'd like your bank card 😂

OP posts: