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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he went too far? *CW*

237 replies

Chatbags · 29/07/2023 11:20

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

OP posts:
Annaishere · 30/07/2023 01:42

@Chatbags hi, I’m sorry I didn’t read your post from the start. I think it was pretty clear from everything that you clearly meant it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2023 01:46

Chatbags · 30/07/2023 01:40

Just seen your subsequent posts that you didn't read the OP. I don't know what part you were responding to then, but that's fair enough.

The part where it's more important to tell women off for supporting other women than it is to condemn horrible behaviour.

I'm so sorry you had to read that. Flowers

Original poster
Chatbags · 30/07/2023 01:50

Thank you @MrsTerryPratchett 💐

OP posts:
Annaishere · 30/07/2023 02:13

I’m sorry op. I really was just trying to help

Original poster
Chatbags · 30/07/2023 02:29

It's fine @Annaishere. Most people don't say sorry online so thanks for saying that.

OP posts:
Feministwoman · 30/07/2023 03:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Feministwoman · 30/07/2023 03:18

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 02:13

I’m sorry op. I really was just trying to help

No, you really weren't

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2023 03:19

I’m so sorry. How often does he want sex or do you generally have sex? (You don’t have to write this online, rather just as a question to yourself). I see he’s back from a period of time away so I’m just wondering if there is going to be any space for you to process what happened, what he did to you. I’m not expecting you to actually answer me in terms to timings and so forth. I’m concerned about you and if he’s going to initiate again soon. Flowers

Nimblesandbimbles · 30/07/2023 03:57

Excellent posts@ClementWeatherToday. OP I found it so upsetting to read your opening post. I can see myself reacting in the same way. You seem to have a good understanding of your husband’s need to control/ dominate. It’s scary that he could do this because who knows what else he is capable of. I hope you can get support in real life too. You deserve a better life for you & your daughters OP.

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 05:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BrunoMarzipan · 30/07/2023 05:05

Do you think he'd do this again?
I hate that you have suspicions he has a temper. You have an underlying fear of him.
No does mean no, if you've just met someone or been together a long time. I'm so sorry this happened, and I understand you not wanting to report it or leave, it would probably be the biggest upheaval in your life. It's very easy to say leave but so hard to do.
I know you were frozen, but (gently and honestly) what would he have done if you knee'd him in the balls and said stop? Would he have still carried on?

💐

ZickZack · 30/07/2023 06:46

I'm so sorry, op. Your husband is dirt. Absolutely 100% categorically clear that you said no, nevermind once (which should be enough) but multiple times. Please leave him , now he's done it, I wouldn't put it past him to do it again every time you "step out of line"

LadyPenelope68 · 30/07/2023 06:52

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2023 01:07

It's not nuanced and you are a rape apologist. I hope they ban you. I'm reporting.

I’ve reported as well

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 06:54

I’ve already apologised to the op for not reading the full post

Hibiscrubbed · 30/07/2023 07:07

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 06:54

I’ve already apologised to the op for not reading the full post

You should apologise for leaping to being a rape apologist in the face of a woman saying she’s been raped by the her husband. Your ineptitude at not clicking ‘see all’ is the least of your problems.

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 07:09

I’m not a rape apologist. She asked if he’d went too far. My response was based on a few sentences that I read

Hibiscrubbed · 30/07/2023 07:22

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 07:09

I’m not a rape apologist. She asked if he’d went too far. My response was based on a few sentences that I read

We all knew he was a rapist from her first post. Why didn’t you?

Annaishere · 30/07/2023 07:24

I don’t know if he is but the background that I didn’t read is that he was in fact let known very clearly how she felt on the matter. Which I didn’t get from not ready no properly. Why would I want to apologise for rapists that’s crazy

ClementWeatherToday · 30/07/2023 07:53

@BrunoMarzipan I know you were frozen, but (gently and honestly) what would he have done if you knee'd him in the balls and said stop? Would he have still carried on?

Why are you asking that? It's not the OP's responsibility to "fight off" her husband. It's his responsibility not to rape her. I can't believe people still have to explain this. And she couldn't knee him in the balls because her brain had shut down her body as a protective coping mechanism while she was being attacked.

Questions like this are part of the reason that women aren't confident to report rape in the first place, and then why the conviction rate is so low. "Why didn't you fight him off?" "Do you think he was just confused?" "If you'd kneed him in the balls he might have stopped." "She didn't physically stop him, so it wasn't rape really, even though she told him no multiple times." "It's not enough to tell a man no while he's raping you, you have to make him realise that you mean it!" All of these comments are bullshit.

(To answer your question, he'd either have stopped continuing to rape her, or he'd have physically escalated his attack on her - which is part of why we sometimes freeze to protect ourselves. Either way it is completely irrelevant, because he would have still raped her. Then, the next time he would know to make sure he'd pinned her legs first.)

What is wrong with some people!? How is she supposed to know what he would have done if she'd kneed him in the balls mid-attack, and why would it be relevant anyway??

Littlemissprosecco · 30/07/2023 08:20

Morning OP, hopefully some sleep has put some real perspective in place for you and you’re feeling a little more together today.
Rape is rape. It is one of the most awful things that can happen to a women. There is no excuse.
How you proceed with your marriage and life is totally dependent on you, but take some time to think and get some real professional support for yourself ( don’t leave it too long, or feelings will fester and get brushed under the carpet only to reappear at the worst time, trust me!), as this will likely affect your view on everything in your life. I wish you all the best with moving forward from this, not all men rape, and not all women understand rape especially within marriage. Surround yourself with people who do, who love you and who will help you move forward in whatever way is best for you. Think of yourself and your gorgeous girls.

Littlemissprosecco · 30/07/2023 08:22

oh, and as this thread has shown. You’ll have nonsense. Just ignore, and focus on what’s important to you. 💐💕

JMSA · 30/07/2023 08:29

Please print out this thread and show it to him. Men like him won't believe it from 'just' you, as he doesn't respect you (sorry, OP Flowers). It's harder to deny something when a majority are saying the same thing.

StopStartStop · 30/07/2023 08:37

No, don't show it to him! Print it out (or just your posts) and show the police, Women's Aid and anyone else who might be able to help you.

And as someone who was repeatedly raped, and coerced, within marriage let me just say that fighting him off won't work, telling him to respect you won't work, being really nice and good won't work...all you can do is leave. You will, eventually. One way or another.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 30/07/2023 08:38

Oh god OP, I'm so sorry he did that to you.

Can I ask, has he been completely 'normal' with you since then?
Did he not question the fact that you walked out and slept in your DD's room?
Because if not, that screams to me that he knew exactly that he'd done.
Not that there's any room for denial, of course. I just mean that he can't claim he got 'carried away' - he knew he was assaulting you right from the off.

CatOnAMushroom · 30/07/2023 08:43

OP can you contact womens aid or a domestic abuse service local to you to get some support and help you with what you choose to do next

It will feel like a huge step telling someone in real life so you could read out your op or some notes. They will have heard this before and will be able to help and support you and help you to stay safe.

There will be no pressure to report/involve the police but they can support you with your choices